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Daddy
Chapter 1
Introduction
Why I wrote this book
Once while travelling in a cab with my son Tanish, I observed that our driver kept peeking at us in the rear view mirror. He then began humming a lullaby in a local dialect of Uttar Pradesh to himself. The pain and emotion in his voice was palpable. He later confided that he was missing his son who he had left behind in Allahabad while he worked here in Mumbai. Every year he would take a month off from work to visit his family in Allahabad. That was all the time he could eke out to be with his son. Every time he went home, he saw his son had grown considerably from the last time they met. It saddened him that he had missed out on some of the most magical moments of his early life.
This incident got me thinking about the sacrifices fathers often have to make for their family. The watchmen in my Mumbai apartment had a similar story to tell. They too meet their family only once every year. The agony of being separated from your child is hard to deal with no matter what your economic or social status. Be it a soldier manning our country’s borders or an IT professional who has to spend months abroad on work, their suffering is the same. Often you read about successful actors and cricketers rueing about their nomadic lifestyle that denies them the simple pleasures of watching their kids grow. When I think of that cab driver or my watchman, I feel extremely fortunate that as a writer I had the chance to closely witness Tanish’s evolution.
Caring for a baby has always been considered the mother’s domain. In fact, all books on child-birth or raising a baby have been written from the mother’s perspective. Hence, they do a great job in defining her duties but often leave out the dad’s role. When I heard I was about to become a father, I found very little literature to guide me through this journey. In today’s era where traditional gender roles stand re-defined, a man is as involved in bringing a baby into the world.
Fatherhood, like almost everything else in today’s world, is complex and layered. For the older generations, the role of a dad primarily involved looking into the financial needs of the family. Dads of that generation often kept themselves detached from their kids, sometimes deliberately. There were occasional indulgences in the form of bedtime stories. But for the most part they believed that their task was to discipline the kids. Mothers, on the other hand, were affectionate and indulgent, making up for the father’s aloofness. Today, we see a role reversal of sorts, which is not unrelated to the larger change in gender equations. Interestingly, I now find that most dads tend to be more indulgent while it’s the mothers who are in the policing mode.
The physical labour of carrying a baby and breastfeeding aside, there is virtually no department that a modern father is not involved in. He witnesses his baby enter the world and at times he cuts the umbilical cord. He also wakes up at night to put his crying baby to sleep and changes diapers. He’s there when the baby needs vaccination shots and keeps a check on medicinal needs. It might surprise you but a dad also feels a lump in his throat when he has to step out to work every day, leaving his baby behind for a good 10-12 hours. A modern dad takes a keen interest in his kid’s education, doing a thorough research on the right school and curriculum. And on weekends, he becomes his kid’s best friend, indulging him with a movie and ice-cream!
The thought of writing this book first came to mind when we were still trying to conceive. Strange as it may sound, I believe I forged a spiritual connect with my son even before we knew of his arrival. As a writer and a creative person, I had a vivid imagination of my life with my to-be child. Two years on, I’ve been lucky to have had the good fortune of enjoying fatherhood as extensively as I hoped to.
Being an ambitious and career-driven man, I was unaware of my propensity to love a baby. Today, I’m certain that no amount of professional success can substitute the simple joys of fatherhood. In fact, I’ve devoted so much of my time to Tanish that at one point I felt like his mother. The flip side was that he’d want my attention all the time. If I stepped out without him, he’d throw a tantrum. At times I’d end up yelling at him, but then at the very next moment I’d realise that his behaviour was a sign of his trust in me. I had become his best friend.
As much as I relished the importance, I also knew that this excessive dependence on me was not good for him. It was limiting his social outreach and behavioural growth. I then took up a consultant’s position with a TV channel that kept me away from home four days in the week, while my wife Ramyani started spending more time with him.
At times I’ve wondered if my deep emotional connect with my son makes me an exception. What goes through the mind of men juggling high pressure corporate jobs? Were they as elated about fatherhood as I was when we found out we were expecting? In the course of writing this book, I chatted with a cross-section of dads across different cities and professions to answer all my questions. I was quite amazed to find that even the relatively taciturn ones were more than forthcoming when they started talking about their child. From an obsessive mid-40s dad who would mail a new picture of his daughter to close friends every day, to one in his late 20s trying hard to squeeze in more time for his son and then to an adoptive father whose eyes light up at the very mention of his daughter, this book chronicles the life of a new-age Indian dad.
But none of this would be possible without the contribution of the new-age mom. So a big shout out to them for allowing us to experience pleasures which our preceding generations did not. This book is as much a tribute to the modern mother as it is to the modern father.
Chapter 2
I Want to Become a Dad…But Am I Ready?
My first paternal pangs
Being a father is undoubtedly the toughest job you’ll ever have. It is also a daunting experience. Once you know that your wife is expecting, it is natural for every guy to ask themselves, ‘Am I ready?’ I guess I’m a bit of an exception to this rule because I’ve wanted to be a father for as long as I can remember.
On a cold wintry morning of November 1982, at around 6-6.30 AM, my dad kick-started his Bajaj Super scooter with me standing in front and my heavily-pregnant mom seated behind. We drove straight to Telco Maternity Hospital, some 5 km away from our home in Jamshedpur. Three hours later, my younger brother Tanmay was born.
The image of my baby brother curled up near my mom and our journey home two days later in an auto rickshaw will forever stay with me. I was barely six years old at the time, but Tanmay’s arrival made me feel like a grown-up overnight. I’ve often heard that when the age gap between siblings is more than four years, it’s common to spot an early maternal/paternal instinct in the older child. The theory held true in my case. At his slightest discomfort, I would swoop into action by gently swinging Tanmay in my arms. I taught him how to play cricket quite early and when the other kids in the locality were busy, we’d bat and ball by ourselves for hours together.
When Tanmay got admission in Loyola School, where I was already studying, I took my responsibilities more seriously. Since his classes finished before mine, I would request my teachers to excuse me 10 minutes earlier so that I could escort him to the right school bus. This continued for an entire year. I must have been excessively fond of kids because by the time Tanmay was two, I began pestering my parents for another sibling. Like I said, the idea of fatherhood has excited me for as long as I can remember.
When to be a father
As I look around, I find that every man has his own way of knowing when he’s ready for fatherhood. There are also extreme cases of couples not wanting children at all. I know of at least three such couples and they have all stuck to their decision. But Rajan Gupta, an Indore-based engineer with roots in a small town in north Bihar, was adamant on having a child immediately after marriage. His wife Sonal, who didn’t have any work commitments, was on board with the idea. Their gynaecologist advised Sonal to gain some more weight before getting pregnant. The couple went the extra mile to make that happen and nine months into their marriage, they were expecting. Rajan became a dad at 28. Interestingly, his father is a mere 22 years older than him. So he became a grand-father at just 50.
Asad Lalljee, a CEO of a corporate cultural initiative who has spent 14 years in the United States, has a different story to tell. He doesn’t believe in living by the book. Even major decisions like marriage or having a baby weren’t planned much ahead. By 43, Asad was ready to be a father. By then he realised it had become a “now or never” situation. “It’s funny how in your 20s and maybe early 30s you keep finding ways to avoid pregnancy. And then in your late 30s and beyond you desperately find ways to get pregnant,” he told me. He recalls how a colleague once ran out of a crucial meeting because his wife had “begun to ovulate”. Asad became a dad at 44.
Roopak Saluja, media entrepreneur and angel investor, became a father at 34. His wife, actress Tara Sharma, hosted a television show on parenting called The Tara Sharma Show on Colors and now on Star World that Roopak co-produced. “Both Tara and I were passionate about the idea of having kids to the point that we’d planned things to quite a degree even before we were married. “A month before our first anniversary, Tara was pregnant,” he says. The couple have two sons, Zen and Kai.
Rajeev Shukre (name changed), a senior executive in a telecom firm, adopted a three month old girl at 39. Today Rajeev says he never imagined he could love somebody as much as he loves his daughter. His wife Maya and he are still undecided on the perfect age to tell her about the adoption. “We’ve tried becoming friends with more parents who have adopted kids so that whenever she gets to know, she’d have a sort of support group of her own,” he says.
It’s written in the stars
It was an incident in 2009 that propelled me towards fatherhood. Ramyani and I had been dating for a few years but weren’t sure of our future plans. I wasn’t commitment phobic but the alarming number of marriages crumbling around me had made me cynical about the institution. Even as the confusion persisted, I decided to have our horoscopes matched. I must clarify here that I don’t blindly follow astrology. Yet, if I find merit in some prediction, I wouldn’t dismiss it prematurely. I consulted a young astrologer for whom this was more a passion than profession. I was relieved to hear that our horoscopes were well-matched, but with it came some bad news as well. He predicted that Ramyani and I would have trouble conceiving. I might not be the biggest fan of astrology, but I’d be lying if I said this didn’t upset me. I sought a second opinion, only to hear those crushing words yet again.
I’ve noticed that when I’m pushed into a corner, I usually come out stronger and more determined. In keeping with that trait, I wanted to have a baby quickly to get the better of my astrological fate. Roughly a year into our marriage, we started trying. It took a year before we got the good news. Eight months later, Tanish came into our life. In hindsight, I had put undue pressure on Ramyani without realising I was being unfair to her. She believed that if something was destined for her, she’d get it against all odds. And being a mother was one of them.
The clock is ticking…
At times I envy people who fall in love early and get married in their mid or late 20s. Such couples get a larger window to make the best out of their married lives before planning a baby. My brother Tanmay, a corporate lawyer with one of the world’s largest venture capital funds, got married when he was 27. Both he and his wife are the same age. “We wanted to spend the first few years slogging it out in our careers and travelling around the world. It was only after three-and-half years of marriage that we gave a serious thought to having a baby,” he says. Tanmay and his wife Lopa are expecting their first baby in December 2014.
If you settle down post 30, women are in constant fear of that fast-ticking fertility clock. That could leave them no choice but to have a child soon after marriage. That apart, nobody likes to be an old mom or dad. The other advantage of having your first child early is that it buys you more time to plan a second one. Given that both Ramyani and I were on the wrong side of 30 when we got married, we didn’t want to wait for too long before we started trying. My good friend Abhishek Srivastava, an associate professor at IIT Indore, got married at 35 and became a father before his first anniversary.
THINGS TO REMEMBER
Before you decide to get into parenthood, it is becoming increasingly important to consider a few factors.
Start counting your pennies
Having a baby is expensive, so make sure your finances are in place before moving ahead. If you’re used to living on a double income, keep in mind that your wife is entitled to a paid maternity leave for only 3 months. After that you’re on your own. A freelancer friend panicked when his wife had to suddenly quit her job in her third month due to a medical complication. Burdened with mounting costs, he took on more work than he could handle. It came as no surprise when he messed up most of it. Ultimately, with just a month to go for the baby’s arrival he had to take up a full-time job.
Your expenses start going up way before the child is born. It helps to be aware of the additional costs incurred during pregnancy months. Doctor’s consultation, medical tests, ultrasounds, maternity wear, etc will cost you at least Rs 15,000 (there is no upper limit). At the time of delivery, a decent hospital in a metro city charges upwards of Rs 50,000 for a normal delivery and upwards of Rs 80,000 for a C-section (again, there is no upper limit). Immediately after the baby’s birth, you will be required to spend on formula milk, diapers, the paediatrician’s fees and immunization.
In recent years, medical insurance policies have begun to cover pregnancy expenses up to a specified limit, subject to terms and conditions. If you plan your pregnancy well in advance, you can avail of this. It also helps if you can get all pending loans and debts out of the way before the baby arrives.
Professional Considerations
Having a child impacts the mother’s career greatly, so it makes matters easier if she is professionally well-settled. If she’s been with the same company for long, she can demand perks like a work-from-home option, flexible hours and an extended maternity leave.
During the pregnancy months and even after the baby’s arrival, the distance from the mother’s workplace to home assumes crucial importance. We lucked out in this regard. Around the time we were trying to conceive, Ramyani found a job where her office was a mere 300 metres from home. This was a huge blessing. It not only afforded her the luxury of working till 10 days before her expected due date but also meant she could take a shorter maternity break.
Happy parents make happy babies
A couple should be emotionally in sync and have a deep understanding of each other’s temperaments before becoming parents. This is especially crucial if you’ve had an arranged marriage or a brief courtship period. In this case you might want to take more time to get to know each other before jumping into anything. For those in a troubled marriage, it’s best to hold off on baby plans till you sort out differences. You can’t raise a child if you’re not on the same page with your partner. I know of cases where couples have had kids to save the marriage. This is not a wise option. Chances are that it will backfire, and that too on the unsuspecting child.
Section B
Chapter 3
You’re Expecting! What Next?
Deciding the doctor and hospital
Once your wife’s pregnancy is confirmed, the very first call that the expecting couple has to take is picking the right doctor and hospital. Many couples tend to delay this decision. Often the absence of complications in the initial weeks makes them take things easy. But this is where you need to be vigilant. A potentially life-threatening condition known as tube pregnancy or ectopic pregnancy, wherein a fertilized egg settles and grows in the fallopian tube instead of the inner lining of the uterus can sometimes show no symptoms. Often it creeps up on you only during an ultrasound. Therefore the first ultrasound should not be delayed beyond 5-6 weeks.
Ideally you should check in with a doctor the moment you know there is a baby on the way. I also suggest you register yourself on www.babycenter.in from the word go. The weekly mailers provide you the most comprehensive and up-to-date information on the progress of your wife’s pregnancy. These mailers continue well after your baby is born.
Before zeroing in on a doctor and hospital, speak to your friends who have already been through this process. It is safer to opt for a doctor that comes highly recommended by friends or people whose opinion you trust. It could be that the hospital they suggest doesn’t suit your budget or that the doctor’s chamber is far off. In that case, keep a second and third option handy.
When it comes to deciding on the hospital for the delivery, every couple has their own priorities. Some prefer smaller, more economical hospitals that have all the facilities in place but may not be counted among the most reputed brands. Others may feel safer to go for a more well-known brand, even if it is a little out of the way. One of my screenwriter friends in Mumbai, Shobhit Jaiswal, had his wife check into Kokilaben Hospital in Mumbai, one the biggest in the city, the moment he realised there would be complications leading up to the birth. The hospital was nearly 12 kms away from where they lived but the reassurance of a reliable brand made them feel more secure.
From my personal experience, I would suggest factoring in a well-equipped Neo Natal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) unit while making your decision. I ended up paying a heavy price for overlooking this seemingly small thing. But more on that in a later chapter.
Make your home baby-friendly
If you live in a metro city, chances are that you’re not entirely happy with your living situation. You may find your flat too cramped or the area too noisy and yet you’re not in a tearing rush to look for a better place. It happens when you lead a hectic life and shifting homes is an ordeal you can do without. When a baby comes into the picture, you’ll be in no mood for a compromise. Naturally, you’ll want what is best for your child—a place that is safe, peaceful and has enough room for your baby to move about freely.
Ramyani and I shifted to a new place two months prior to Tanish’s birth. We wanted a bigger house for him to crawl around and explore. We also wanted my parents and Ramyani’s mom to spend more time with us, which meant getting a larger space. We gave the flat we owned on rent and shifted to a bigger rental accommodation. It seemed like an unusual solution at the time, but another friend whose wife got pregnant a few months after Ramyani did the same after seeing how much it helped us. Shobhit also sold his flat and shifted into one that was tailor-made for babies. The flat was small in size but it made up for that with an adjoining balcony which was as big as the rest of the house. “We wanted a private playground for the baby where he could crawl around freely. Mumbai apartments simply don’t provide that,” he reasoned.
In India, there are families that look beyond size and safety while choosing a new address; superstition also plays a part. If you feel that a particular house has brought you bad luck, you might want to shift to one that has a more positive energy. Like I said before, I have an ambivalent attitude to such matters. A couple in my building changed homes soon after the wife started expecting. The husband later told me, “My wife had had two sudden miscarriages even when everything seemed alright. Somehow we were convinced that our flat was jinxed. When my wife conceived this time, we consulted a spiritual guru who asked us to shift out of the house. And it worked.”
Moving houses is an expensive proposition and could add to your already mounting costs. The next best option would be to make your current house as child-friendly as possible. A few days before her due date, when Ramyani returned from work, she insisted we visit a mall. She picked up an assortment of soft toys, art paper and oil paints. By the next morning she had created a colourful baby corner in the room. There were miniature bears, dogs, monkeys and penguins on the bed-stand and paintings of animated mushrooms, butterflies and fish on the walls. I wondered if Ramyani’s efforts were futile. Wouldn’t the baby be too small to appreciate art! Also, I wasn’t too thrilled to see her exerting herself in that precarious state. But the joy and excitement on Ramyani’s face made it worth it.
Scans and more…
Your first introduction with your baby, even before the birth, will be through ultrasounds. I would eagerly await these sessions. With every passing scan you can see your child evolve from a foetus to a full-grown baby. Asad too echoes my sentiments. Like me, he was obsessed with ultrasounds! “The first sonography was the most moving and we looked forward to seeing our baby each month and then every 2 weeks. There were some weeks we didn’t need a sonography/doplar, but we would joke about dropping by for one anyway,” he says.
Ramyani’s first ultrasound was in her seventh week. My research told me that this is when you can hear the baby’s heartbeat. Unfortunately while Tanish’s growth was on track, the heartbeat I longed to hear couldn’t yet be deciphered. A week later when we went for another ultrasound, we were both quite nervous. I hadn’t been able to get much work done in anticipation of this moment. And then there it was—a vibrant, robust heartbeat. It sounded a bit like a young horse breathing rapidly but at that time it felt like music to my ears.
