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Did Julian dare ask if Z was a Zoe or a Zachary? He dared. “Who’s Z?”
“My best friend Zakiyyah.”
“Ah.” An exhale. “Is she in the business, too?”
“She used to be.” Josephine drummed her fork against the table. IHOP on Sunset was empty, because what kind of fool came to IHOP at night.
“What’s her actual name?”
“Zakiyyah Job. Job as in Bible, not employment. And Zakiyyah like pariah.”
“You two have incredible stage names. You’re lucky.”
“You should talk, Julian Cruz,” she said. “Anyway, Z is lucky. Jury’s still out on me. Seven years ago, we moved out west, paradise is here, the whole thing. We set up house, started going to auditions. I thought we’d be all right—me being white and her being black and all—but with colorblind casting, the agents were bending over themselves to hire her, not me. Sometimes she was better. Sometimes I was better. It was hard to tell, because she always got the part, and it got between us.” She sighed. “One of us had to choose a different life if we were to stay friends. So we flipped for it.”
“I should think,” Julian said, “that first you’d want to flip on whether or not you wanted to stay friends.”
“Nah. We’re from the same hood. Z is like my sister.”
Julian knew something about flipping for it. When they first met Gwen and Riley, he and Ashton flipped for Gwen. Because tall, gorgeous, California girl-next-door Riley with glossy blonde hair and glowing skin looked too high-end for mortal man, even Ashton, who was no slouch himself in the looks department. Ashton said that no one who was that put-together on a Wednesday night happy hour at a local dive in Santa Monica would ever be easy on a man’s life. She looked and moved like a movie star. And Gwen looked like the movie star’s best friend. So they flipped for Gwen. Ashton lost. That was shocking. Because Ashton never lost anything.
“I was pretty confident,” Josephine continued, “because I never lose a coin toss or even a game of rock, paper, scissors. But Z won. I said, let’s play best of five. She won again. I said, best of seven. She won that, too.”
“Was this major life decision fueled by tequila by any chance?”
“A whole bottle full.”
“Thought so.”
“She won every time. Finally I said, okay, one last time, winner take all, sudden death. We fortified ourselves with the rest of the tequila. And guess what happened?”
“You won?”
“Why,” she said with a half-smile full of whimsy, “because you believe in the Willy Wonka philosophy on lotteries and life in general?”
Julian laughed. “I do, actually. You stand a better chance if you want it more.”
Josephine nodded in deep agreement. “And no one wanted it more than me. Yet I still lost. Sometimes, no matter how much you want it, you still lose.” She didn’t look upset, just philosophical. “After I threw up and calmed down, Z told me I could have it. She would become something else.”
Julian was impressed. After he won, he did not give dibs on Gwen to Ashton. “Why would she do that?”
“She said because ever since I was old enough to recite ‘Three Blind Mice,’ I stood on every table,” Josephine said. “I invented a stage everywhere I went.” She fell silent, poking the remains of the cold potatoes. “Of course, now Z is doing fantastic, and I’m still waiting for my big break.” Zakiyyah was an art therapist for the California public school system. She traveled to districts around the state and trained elementary-school art teachers how to apply their craft to the Special Ed curriculum to help troubled kids who could not be reached by conventional therapy methods. Julian thought Zakiyyah’s newfound career was an ocean away from the stage. One job: me, me, me. The other: you, you, you. How did one make a quantum leap like that?
“Why do I plow on, you ask?”
“I didn’t ask. I know why,” Julian said. “Because the theatre is all there is.” His throat tightened.
“Yes!” Josephine exclaimed, her bright eyes gleaming. “It’s not so much a career as a sickness. You gotta love it, otherwise there’s no good reason for being obsessed with something that offers rewards to so few.”
Julian agreed. “That’s good advice for many things, not just the theatre,” he said. “But you’ll get there.” He wanted to tell her that he had never in his life felt what he felt when she stood in front of him on the darkened stage at the Cherry Lane. Oh where is it, where has it all gone, my past, when I was young. “Besides, if it’s what you do, and you can do it, then you do it.” Julian set his jaw. “Because sometimes, you can’t do it. And then, there’s nothing worse.”
Josephine mined his face. “You know something about that?”
“Little bit. The irony is,” Julian said with a thin smile, “that after all that drinking and coin tossing, you didn’t stay in L.A. and your friend did.”
“That’s true. We came here together, and she, who said she couldn’t stand the constant sun and the fake life chose to stay, and I, who loved both, returned home instead.”
“Why didn’t you stay?”
“I told you, I couldn’t live here,” Josephine said. “Though of course, I didn’t know that when we flipped for it.”
“That’s the time shift paradox.” Julian was trying to find something to say to make her feel better. She looked as if she needed it. “The hindsight paradox. You can’t act on what you do not know and cannot know.”
“No, I’m fibbing, I knew it,” the young beauty said, her doleful voice echoing in the empty restaurant. “I felt it in my soul. I thought the heaviness inside me was because of tension between me and Z. It was only after she went back to school and I kept going to auditions and yet the pervasive sense of doom wouldn’t lift that I realized it wasn’t me and Z that was wrong. It was me and L.A. that was wrong.” Breezily she waved her hand around, la-di-da. “So six years ago I returned to the absurd delights of the New York stage life.” She smiled. “Every few months I fly out here, try out for a few things so I can keep my SAG membership. I visit my friend and get away from the theatre to see if I can live without it. And I can’t. I fly out to L.A.,” Josephine said, “so I can know who I am.”
5 (#ulink_eab75655-7a0e-550b-8544-ba32d1f1170f)
Normandie Avenue (#ulink_eab75655-7a0e-550b-8544-ba32d1f1170f)
NORMANDIE AVENUE WHERE ZAKIYYAH LIVED WAS POORLY lit. The residential through street lined with tall scraggly palms and working-class homes was wide but sketchy.
“It’s all she can afford,” Josephine said.
“I said nothing.” A moment later: “Is it safe?”
“Well, it’s not as safe as your Volvo, but what is?”
In a minute she was going to leave his Volvo.
“Z and I haven’t had much trouble,” she went on. “If you don’t count that drive-by shooting last time I was here.”
“And who’d want to count that?”
“It happened in front of Z’s house. Cops blocked the road for hours. Z was at work, but I had a callback and couldn’t leave until they cleared the scene. Story of my life.”
“Why doesn’t she move?”
“Because I’m back in New York. When we were both paying rent, it was easier.”
“Why doesn’t she get another roommate?”
“Who’d want to live here, have you seen the neighborhood?” Josephine shrugged. “On the plus side, it’s cheap. It’s next to the freeway. Rosie the landlady is nice. She makes us enchiladas because Z works late and is often too tired to cook. Though she’s a really good cook.”
“What about you? Do you cook?”
“Oh, sure. I cook,” she said. “I make shame toast.”
“I like it already,” said Julian.
“Wait until you taste it. You’ll love it.”
“Okay—when?”
She laughed like he was the headliner at the Comedy Cellar.
Zakiyyah lived in a yellow house under a yellow streetlight. He pulled up to the curb and put the car into park. He debated turning it off. Julian wanted to come in. He wanted he didn’t know what.
“You’d like Zakiyyah,” Josephine said. “She’s in education, like you.”
“I’m not in education, Josephine. I’m in entertainment.”
“You literally teach people how to use vinegar. You call that entertainment? I’m in entertainment.”
“Anyone can make Oscar Wilde entertaining,” Julian said. “He did all the work for you. To make vinegar entertaining, now that takes talent.”
“Okay, so you’re an entertaining academic,” she said.
“See, where I come from, that would be considered a compliment.”
“Where I come from, too.” She stretched, her arms hitting the roof of the car. “Z and I are on the second floor. We have a balcony.” She pointed to the side of the two-story house. “We have flowers on it. Can you see them? Red azaleas. Yellow petunias.”
“You’re lucky someone doesn’t come up and steal them.” He glanced up and down the street.
She wasn’t offended. “I mentioned this about the balcony,” she said, “in case you wanted to stand under it and recite a life hack or a poem or something.”
Swaying from her, he had nothing in reply, nothing clever.
Slowly she picked up her bag from the footwell. “I’m just messing with you. Thanks for today. I had fun.”
“Me, too.”
She opened the door and turned to him. Julian was about to cry nonsense into the confused air, literally to open his mouth and pour forth on her his plans before getting lost, how much he had once wanted a different life, how it hurt to let it go, and how hard it was to make peace with it, but the upside-down longing for her that felt like plunging into orchards of roses, thorns and all, made it impossible for him to breathe and therefore to speak.
Her hand was still on the open door, her right foot already out.
Leaning across, she kissed him softly on the cheek, close to his mouth. She smelled of chocolate cherries, of palm trees, of fire. A sense of something helpless rose up inside him.
After he watched her wave and vanish, he sat in front of her house, staring at the crumbling yellow balcony with the wilting azaleas, his fists pressed into his chest. He opened the window so he could hear the Hollywood Freeway on the next block, lights of cars flying past, whooshing like a turbulent ocean. A mile north, at the end of the long, straight Normandie, rose the giant inky forms of the Santa Monica Mountains, and etched into them the HOLLYWOOD sign whitely lit against the high darkness. Normandie was a through street, and cars often sped by before climbing up the hill behind Julian and disappearing. Directly across from Z’s place stood a low apartment building behind a locked gate, like a halfway house, a cheap duplex, gated off. All the lights were on. It was loud. Barbed wire hung over the barred windows and the stucco balconies, draped down, dangled like icicle lights at Christmas.
Julian peered closer. No, it wasn’t barbed wire. How retro. How WWII of him. It was razor wire. That was the modern way, the L.A. way. When regular barbs weren’t deterrent enough, the straight-edge blades sliced your Romeo throat as you climbed up to sing a sonnet to your lover. Josephine, Josephine.
Why would a house need razor wire on its windows and balconies?
Julian didn’t want to think about his day. He wanted only to feel. When he was thirteen he had a mad crush on a girl in the schoolyard. The crush was so bad it had rendered him speechless. Every time he was within fifty feet of her, he would start to sweat and pant. In the middle of the school year she had open heart surgery and died on the operating table, and that was that. It was the last time Julian had felt this way. Since then, he kept in control of himself. None of the later women he was with, and some of them had been awe-inspiring, made him feel like that tongue-tied kid at recess. He tried to avoid it at all costs, the feeling of being out of control. It was so debilitating. He wanted a sane love life. He wanted a sane life.
And until today, that was exactly what he got.
6 (#ulink_e2c11447-f6b1-5224-970c-e81f8e412503)
Gwen (#ulink_e2c11447-f6b1-5224-970c-e81f8e412503)
WHEN GWEN OPENED THE DOOR, AT TEN AT NIGHT, SHE stared at him like he was about to tell her someone had died.
Gwen was right to be worried. They had a weekly schedule from which they rarely deviated. They went out on Thursday nights, and she stayed over at his place. They went out on Saturday nights, usually with Ashton and Riley. The four of them had Sunday brunch together. On Wednesdays he and Gwen tried to grab lunch if Julian didn’t have meetings and she wasn’t swamped. She was a legal secretary for an entertainment law firm.
She lived in a ground floor apartment with two other girls. All three had been watching Desperate Housewives. The other two waved to Julian, annoyed by the interruption. “What’s wrong?” Gwen said. “Were we supposed to go out today?”
“No, no.”
“I didn’t think so. Tuesday is not our day.” She smiled.
“Can we talk?”
Gwen glanced at the couch where her roommates were waiting. “Can it wait till tomorrow, Jules? Because we have fifteen minutes left of our show and then I gotta hit the sack. I have to be in at eight. Contract crisis. Can it wait?”
“No.”
Gwen grimaced.
He didn’t want to talk in the kitchen, and Gwen was already in pajamas. There was no way he was getting her into his car for a distressing heart to heart. “Let’s go to your room.”
Smiling and misunderstanding, she took hold of his wrist. “Girls, finish without me.”
In her room, she fell on the bed, while he took a chair across from her, his hands tensely threaded.
“Why are you all the way over there?”
“Gwen …”
Sitting up, she cut him off. “No. Don’t start any conversation with Gwen. Jules, I’m so stressed at work, I never work fast enough or long enough. Tonight I was there till eight-thirty. If I’ve been off, it’s because I’m overworked.”
“You haven’t been off.”
“I’m so tired all the time. I can’t deal with any bullshit right now, Julian,” she said. “Can’t this wait until I have more energy?”
“It can’t. I’m sorry, Gwen. I don’t know how to say it. There’s never a good time for this.” He stiffened his spine, took a breath.
She squeezed her eyes shut, her hands together. “Julian … are you … breaking up with me?”
“Yes, I’m sorry. Please don’t be upset. Don’t cry.” He came to sit by her on the bed, tried to touch her. “You’re a great girl. You won’t be alone for a minute. And I hope we can stay friends—”
“You’re not serious!” she cried, slapping away his arm. “We can’t break up! We have brunch reservations at N/Naka this Sunday! We’ve been waiting three months for them!”
“About that—”
“And we’re going away to Cabo next month. You already booked the hotel.”
“About that …”
