Light Me Up

“Nope.” His fingers turned restless, picked out a tune she didn’t recognize.

“Your friend talking must have … I don’t know, brought out something in you?” She laughed slightly hysterically. “I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.”

“Yes, you do, Bonnie.”

Adrenaline bolted through her. He was right. She did. But she couldn’t admit it out loud, and neither could he. They’d never get over their fears, either of them. Bonnie of being hurt, Seth of losing himself. It was such a poignant, frustrating and colossal waste.

She’d been looking at online dating sites—just looking for now. But more and more often she’d find herself thinking what she might like to say in her profile. After college she’d dated a couple of guys, friends of friends, but with Seth still firmly lodged in her heart, nothing had a chance of working out. Checking out dating services was a good sign, now, that she was really getting ready to burst free of the Seth-chains and find a relationship she could truly indulge, not one defined and bound by what it wasn’t and couldn’t ever be.

“I guess I wanted to know why you got so sentimental about love all of a sudden.”

He wrinkled his nose, finally meeting her eyes with his sultry gray ones. “It’s not all of a sudden, Bon. This is the first one I was happy with, though I still think it needs something. It’s not quite there.”

“Who else have you played—”

“No one’s heard it but you.” He spoke aggressively. She held her breath, waiting, but he didn’t go on, not that she really thought he would.

Don’t read anything into this, girl.

Too late. She could feel her eternally, relentlessly stupid hope rising yet again. Who was she kidding? Bonnie hadn’t learned a bloody thing where Seth was concerned.

She pushed a dumpling across the plate, then gave up, appetite gone. “Well, I’m not a musician, but I think it’s perfect.”

“Thanks.” He looked up, grinning that divinely goofy grin, and their eyes locked. Held.

Oh, Seth.

“Bonnie.”

“Yeah?” She knew what was coming, she felt it. Please, God, give her the strength, courage and balls, if necessary, to slap him down.

“After all this time between us …”

“Yes?” That was the last time she was going to say “Yes” until she was back safely in her apartment having not just gotten laid again by the love of her life.

No, he was only her first love. There would be another man, at least one, and he’d be the real love of her life. She needed to repeat that concept over and over and over until she believed it.

“I want to tell you …” Seth got up from the piano bench, crossed over and knelt in front of her, put one gentle palm to either side of her face, gazing at her earnestly.

Bonnie took her hand off the plate in her lap because it was shaking so much her fork was rattling. Don’t do this. Not tonight.

“I care for you a lot.”

Oh, help.

“Seth, you know I care for you, too.” She tried to keep the god-awful vulnerability out of her eyes and voice.

“You are a really great person. I just think … I want to say that …” His struggle was clearly painful, but she couldn’t help him. She wouldn’t. He took in a huge breath. “I’m … glad you’re my friend.”

What the—

Friend?

Friend?

For God’s sake. She was suddenly and thoroughly furious. Lifting the plate, elbows out, which effectively removed his hands from her face, she shoveled in two dumplings at once, chewing viciously. “Yup. You ‘n me, BFFs forever.”

Seth sat back on his heels, looking frustrated. “I’m not good at this feelings crap. I just want you to know you’re still … special to me.”

This time Bonnie waited to speak until her mouth was empty.

“I know, Seth. We’ve been over that. We’ve been over that again and again and again. I get it. You are special to me, too.” She put the plate on the table next to her chair and stood abruptly. “I really appreciate you sharing that song with me. It was wonderful. And I’m going to go now because I’m exhausted and it’s been a long—”

“Bonnie.” As he got to his feet she caught an all too rare glimpse of the bewildered boy who lived inside him, the one who was stomped down 24/7 by his father whenever he showed any sign of spirit or sensitivity. Whatever Seth had to say now, she didn’t want to hear it unless he was finally admitting that he loved her and how about getting married? Since that wasn’t going to happen …

“I’ve gotta go. Thanks for the dumplings. They were fantastic.”

“Yeah. Sure.” He nodded, stuffed his hands into his back pockets. “No problem.”

Bonnie moved toward the door, sick to death of conversations over, under and around any solution to their stalemate. The past several months had brought back too many feelings and with them the problems she’d hoped were finally dead, or at least in permanent hibernation.

What a joke to have thought she could bear living so close to him, seeing him so often, being in these intimate situations time and time again.

If only the rest of her life were going well, and she didn’t feel this undercurrent of neediness and fear that being with Seth did so much to dispel. She had to stop looking to him for answers to problems only she could solve.

“Take care.” She managed a bright smile at his door and gave him a brief hug, pulling away when his arms tried to hold her longer. She was proud of herself for leaving, keeping her feelings hidden, not showing him how close she’d been to teetering over the edge once more.

If only she hadn’t said that same thing to herself so many, many times before….

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