How to avoid becoming a spinster?

Ulbosyn Shaleken

How to avoid becoming a spinster?

Author's note

Hello there! My name is Ulbosyn.

I'm 33 and I’m a journalist. My zodiac sign is Virgo.

I started thinking about family life when I turned 29.

Until that moment I worked, hanged out with friends, went on business trips, studied, attended workshops.

However, the thoughts about starting a family and having beautiful and healthy children occurred to me when I turned the age of 29.

At some point, I even started dreaming of a marriage certificate with its distinctive blue jacket.

This is what I wanted in the first place.

Civil marriage?

Cool!

However, it wasn’t for me.

I'm one of those young ladies, who like telling everyone: 'Please, meet my husband'. I wanted to put on a wedding dress and call all my relatives. Tell everyone: his name is…

They always call an unmarried girl of 25 years of age or older a spinster. Not everyone could stand the disapproving looks and whispers behind their backs. In my book 'How to avoid becoming a "spinster"', I’ll share my brief experience in finding a husband.

I’m aware that there are a lot of television and radio broadcasts, books covering this topic and providing various, sometimes quite mind-bending, tips. I’ve read many of them. They typically contain a case study and advice. So I decided to share my own experience.

Why not?

Chapter 1

Dating sites: shh! First-hand experience…

If a woman closes her profile on a dating site, then she has got married.

If a man closes his profile, then he has got busted.

Author unknown.

First: yes! Of course, I was courted by young men. I mean, I didn’t remind people of a lonely, sad, prickly cactus. However, I didn’t imagine any of my fellows as a prospective husband.

Alas…

I thought one was too tight-fisted and greedy. The other was drinking too much beer and talking a lot. The third lied to me for two months that he’s an avid bachelor and ended up being the father of three boys. It happens too. Overall, they weren’t for me…

They say you must try everything in this life, and I agree with that! I think this saying shouldn’t be interpreted as falling into homosexual relationships, threesome and heavy drugs. However, dating services weren’t too bad to try. So I took my chance. For some reason, it always seemed very shameful! How come? Sign up for a dating site and upload your real photo!

A close friend of mine at that time encouraged me to step up. She assured me that many of her friends got married and everything was fine with them. On top of that, two of my friends managed to get married well thanks to online dating.

One day, while sitting in a cafe and sipping my favourite Frappuccino with ice, I thought: why not? And I signed up for a dating site. At that time – and even now – it was one of the most popular dating sites in Kazakhstan.

I signed up for the website under the name "Maral" and set my real, but rather blurry photo for an avatar. I started learning about the process and almost immediately met a very clever guy. He wasn’t from Astana, so our communication somehow gradually fizzled out.

I find it important for a guy to have fine communication skills.

Many of the messages I received were plain and beaten:

– What are you doing here, baby?

– Let's get acquainted.

– I really like you.

There were also messages with sexual content, where men offered casual sex from the first lines. They were banned immediately. After all, I was looking for a husband, not a sexual partner or lover.

Looking ahead, I’ll say that almost none of the candidates were interested in my work and hobbies, but everyone wanted to know whether it was me in the photo.

My first online friend was Aslan. Lets’ call him that. He had a good looking profile. This cute, from the photo, guy wished me a good day every morning, bon appetit at lunch, and asked me about my day in the evening. We were penpalling for a couple of weeks and then decided to meet up. It was Sunday. I wanted to impress him. I had my hair and makeup done, put on the most smart and elegant dress I had had in my wardrobe.

Anyway, we met.

To say that I was deeply surprised is to say nothing.

It was a forty or forty-five-year-old man.

It was Aslan, no doubt. However, it seems that the photo was taken when he was young.

Thin, unpresentable, but intelligent.

We spent a wonderful evening and text each other for a few days… Until the day, I received a message from a girl with the sonorous name Roxana, saying that her ex-husband avoids paying child support for three years hiding somewhere. She gave me her phone number so I could tell her where we'd meet next, so she could come and rip his 'skinny ass' off. At least that's what she wrote to me.

That was the 'grand finale' for the story.

The second case was also funny. A profile photo portrayed a smiling, cute guy with brown eyes. About thirty. He said that he was 35 and worked in the city as an architect.

We chatted for two weeks and then I decided to meet him.

A young guy with long hair neatly combed back met me that day. He was wearing long polka dot bell-bottoms and a red sweater. He seemed to be much lighter than me. He was too skinny.

I was 68 kilograms at that time.

All evening he was shy, spoke haltingly and at the end he offered to rent an apartment, watch a movie and drink some beer.

That made me laugh.

We paid the bill and I left.

A joke on point:

Ladies, don’t go to dating sites, go to employment sites.

Same profiles, but pictures and CVs are real.

The third candidate has been fooling me for a week saying that he had just come back from the States and wanted to get married urgently. He said his parents want grandchildren, and he really liked me. That’s what he said. My heart 'sank'…

Wow, I thought…

However, it turned out to be a great deal simpler. Like in this joke.

Online dating:

– Hi! Where are you from?

– Hi! I from Russia. And you?

– I from France.

– Pizdish.

– Chestnoeslovo…

Exactly one month passed since I signed up for the site. More than 200 people wrote to me during this time. Many of them told me they were up to serious relationships and would marry. Some wanted to meet to make sure we fit together.

I met three other young guys, but it did go beyond cafe dating. From my experience, profile photos have little in common with their owners.

So, don’t trust the photos on dating sites. Men tend to 'rejuvenate' or 'embellish' themselves a bit. A handsome guy will turn out to be an oily old man with a sagging belly or a married guy with three children, who want to have fun on the side.

There were also those without a profile photo, but with the 'premium' icon on. Premium account is a paid service that allows you to send messages without a profile photo.

These dinosaurs are there for years. They’ll never send you their photo. They usually call you straight away and ask for meeting. But I've never met such men. I decided not to take this risk.

Overall, dating sites are full of surprises.

                                    A joke on point:

A guy on a dating site met a girl. They exchanged photos. It turned to be his mother-in-law.

Conclusions

There are decent men online, who have no other options except dating sites due to their excessive employment.

Men tend to embellish themselves on dating sites. They upload six-year-old photos of themselves, want to look younger. They tend to conceal their marriage, children. They tend to lie about having own business and money to burn and send an off-topic photo with somebody's fancy car.

There are also those who look for one-night stand or married guys who look for a side adventure or silly girls to have fun in a motel room.

People mostly communicate with a fictional image, not with a real person. Many illusions crumble when faced with reality.

There are those who say they have an instant crush on you and ask your Skype login right away. The climax of such stories is him asking for money… He promises to give it back very soon, telling all sorts of stories like lost IDs, an ill family member, car accident. I have banned a couple of those immediately.

You don’t want to have a long online chatting with the person you like. Call each other after a short conversation. You don’t ask for his number and send yours straight away, but at the same time make him understand clearly if you have a real interlocutor or not. The faster you move at least to phone communication, the sooner you understand what kind of person he’s. The live conversation reveals true level of intelligence and manner of communication, whereas correspondence allows to gloss them over.

How to behave on dating sites

Upload your real photos. Don’t upload exceedingly blurry photos or those where you’re wearing glasses. I find it silly, to set a photo of you with a bouquet of flowers for profile picture. They may think that you have no end of boyfriends, and your heart has long been taken. Even if he wants to send you a message, will you read it?

It is no secret that nowadays, many girls come to dating sites looking for potential sponsors. Therefore, it is better to ask a guy about his financial situation when you meet him in person. Gently. I mean really gently. Not point-blank: okay, darling, now tell me…

Try to keep conversation easy and relaxed. Don’t tell him about your problems, plans, and projects straight away. Don’t try to drag him into any of your business. Stay away from the image of a businesswoman. It pushes people away. I don’t think this approach is helpful. It is absolutely useless. A guy has just met you how can he get into your business idea straight away?

Try to write competently and engage in dialogue correctly. Your spelling mistakes or completely stupid answers and questions may scare away educated, purposeful and literate men.

Don't write to him often! Even if you have a feeling you have known him a for ages, and therefore you have every right to know what he’s doing at 12 o'clock midnight. It may alert the guy reasonably: what will happen next if this is only the beginning?

Keep the conversation going. Odd emoticons, answers like: 'er', 'heh', 'oopsie doopsie' or answering him in a day are the most effective ways to kill the conversation.

I call it a day.

To sum up, online dating has its own upsides and downsides. In order to avoid the latter, check your feelings and build relationships preferably during offline communication. Maybe, someone dated a person online for years and then got married. I still tend more to live communication.)

That is the end of the first chapter, my dear reader. Let me finish my online dating stories with my favourite Italian word: 'Chicercatrova', which means: 'The one who seeks will always find'.

Chapter 2

Restaurants, bars, discos: can one meet a decent man?

– How did you meet your wife?

– Accidentally in a bar. Nobody to blame.

Author unknown.

If you regularly go to expensive restaurants, cafes and bars, do you’ve a chance to meet a wealthy man for a serious relationship? The question is quite rhetorical.

However, the most common place for finding a date is a nightclub or bar.

Nowadays, If all dating venues with a potential husband represent 100 percent, 50 percent of them falls on clubs and bars. You must admit that every weekend a good half of women who are now reading this book, love visiting such places, hoping to find a nice guy.

AND THERE IS NOTHING BAD IN DOING SO.

If a girl wants to drink wine or beer in the company of friends and get acquainted with a charming guy at the same time. What's wrong with that?

Many women prepare in advance. They buy smart dresses, blouses and skirts, visit a beauty salon. A friend of mine matched her going outs to sauna visits. First go to the sauna, then go out. Another friend of mine said that you need to sleep well before going to the bar or club to get there in high spirits and fully charged.

PIECE OF CAKE, CARL!

You’ren’t going there wearing a gym shirt or a house dress. I mean, when you have bad mood, stay at home and listen to music.

YOUR MOOD IS CRUCIAL!

You have to admit that even if you’re wearing a two-monthly-salary dress that sparkles and shines, but your eyes are dull and tired, it is unlikely you have fun to say nothing of meeting anybody!

Meet a beautiful guy in such places is trivial. Finding a husband there is more difficult. Although anything happens all the time. People go to clubs, discos, and restaurant to have fun. Therefore, they are relaxed, which plays a significant role in finding a common topic for conversation.

If a guy that wants to talk to you have at least something that catches you, give him a chance.

Music and a SMALL dose of alcohol can open out even the quietest and shiest person. Overall, the atmosphere of such places has its magic. Avoid getting wasted.

A joke on point:

A guy approaches a girl in the club thinking how to start a conversation.

Then he gathers his thoughts and asks:

– Oh, what lovely dimples you have!

– That’s my nostrils, idiot.

WHAT ABOUT DAYTIME DATING?

I used to pay attention to the way a guy is eating when I dined out with my friends.

If you want to know about his manners, just get a glimpse of the way he eats. A self-respecting person should know table manners and observe them in public. If the guy you like champs for everyone to hear, talks loudly over the phone, keeps telling off a waiter, looks through the bill for a long time, you should think twice if you need such a boyfriend.

There were times when my friends and I went to bars and discos. Now that I'm married, it happens a lot rarer. But I don't regret anything. Indeed, what to regret about? My husband and I can have a great evening in the bar with a company of friends.

I SPACED A BIT.

Overall, when I was single, I used to worry if a guy ordered gallons of beer or bottles of vodka for the whole company. Trivial drinking with colleagues or friends.

THAT IS A BOTTOM.

A drunk guy will hardly think about you the next morning. He’ll forget about a pretty girl sitting next table: I guest we met and gave our numbers. But the morning is terrible: 'headache, with partial amnesia'.

OVERALL…

It is impossible to know for sure whether another night outing will put over. You can dress up and look like Naya Rivera from my favourite show Glee, sit at the bar all night, sipping Sex on the Beach, snapping eyes at pretty guys, but go home without a single compliment.

Every bar in a city has its own policy towards men.

There are many bars in a metropolis, that allow you to meet somebody with no problem. The atmosphere in some of them reminds me of a school disco: girls dance in short dresses, high heels, actively waving their hair in all directions, setting their bra from time to time when guys stand around or stretch their necks from the tables to find a good match. To others, it may look like an auction, but that is how it is: this is the nowadays dating policy in many metropolitan bars. Finding a good guy here is no problem.

THE PROBLEM IS TO KNOW FOR SURE HOW SERIOUS HIS INTENTIONS ARE.

There are places where weekdays and to say nothing about weekends are literary packed with men. Lots of men. Many girls mistakenly think these are the places to meet a guy and find their happiness.

Alas…

Those guys are more likely there to drink beer, chat with a friend and complain about their lives. WHOM I MENTIONED ABOVE. There is only one thing they strive: have a nice beer and fall on the couch after.

So I don't think we should waste our time there.

Although…

There is also a got-wasted-together type of dating…

EVery case is unique.

Be patient, let me tell you one more thing. The chapter will soon over.

Of course, there are clubs in the metropolis aimed at thirtysomethings, but in fact they have long been aimed at fortysomethings. These clubs still exist, that means they remain popular.

These places tend to have retro style decoration with matching music and visitors. The bar, as a rule, has its denizens. Many visitors use this place for quick and short-term dating. It is suitable for those who feel uncomfortable in the posh atmosphere of an expensive restaurant.

Back to forty-five…

What's wrong with that? What if a 45 year old lady came alone or with a friend to such a place? May they want to meet somebody? Or they are here to see and be seen? Yes, what did you think?

Believe it or not, there is life for them as well! Who cares if she's married or not? She may be divorced or has a third marriage under her belt?

It seems to me that today wasting your time analyzing the lady's genuine night-bar-intentions is stupid.

Everyone goes to bars in the middle of the night. We live and enjoy ourselves. There are hellholes too, but nobody drags you there. There are plenty of good places.

You can meet somebody in any entertainment places. Find a husband! Why not? Even if you don’t find a husband there, you’ll dance hard and have fun.

I know a case like that. A friend of mine who is a forward-minded businessman, slim and interesting brunette, intelligent and good-natured, went on a binge after divorce. It is typical of many newly divorced men. I remember what a wedding they had! Lush and fun! They invited at least five hundred people. They had it good for six months.

And then she left him and hit the road to Warsaw with some interpreter. It was probably due to money, opportunity and prospects. He loved her while the same can't be said for her apparently. She said she couldn't do it anymore. Do what? What was wrong? It was a hard time for him. He couldn’t realise that there is a place for cynicism, meanness, calculation and betrayal in this world. He was simply 'dumped' for a more promising option. Long story short, this guy rushed to nightclubs for adventures to cool down. Short-time dating, alcohol, sex. He used to do it 3-4 times a week. Seems to be asserting himself. He managed to avoid getting into real troubles somehow. It was a miracle.

Then one day he met a girl in a bar. She was a marketer in some company. On weekends she was dying of boredom and lack of new sensations.

They started dating. They agreed that this wasn’t serious. Everything went well. I was glad seeing a friend coming back to life. As they got to know each other better, they realised they like each other in many ways. They had their own stories that led them to the bar that night, but the bar life was an accident and they didn’t belong there anymore. She did want to have long civil marriage, so they got married. This time the wedding was way leaner than the previous.

They have two sons now. Moreover, they kept their feelings. Well, there is one more happy family there. There are a lot of stories like that.

To sum up, I want to tell you about some mistakes one can make:

When meeting in a bar just show your interest but do start flirting with a guy from the minute.

You can have one or two glasses of wine in his presence. This is quite enough to relax a little, without getting rip-roaring drunk. Avoid bombarding the guy with questions or portray yourself as some experienced vamp woman. Many girls will support me if I say that guys are instantly pecking at a cheerful and carefree girl. Moreover, they are surely already 'tipsy'.

A bar is a place where people come to have fun and chat about pleasant things. The atmosphere is on your side: everyone is in a good mood, open to communication, and some haven’thing against a little adventure.

You don’t want to check your phone or wristwatch too often when you talk to a guy. Instagram, selfies, stories and chat groups can wait. They already take a lot of time. By heaven, put your phone deep in your bag.

Don’t rush or fuss. Even if you’re a super busy woman. 'Now or never!' type of motto will bring you no good.

If you like a guy, why ignore him? Forget about your mental blockers: teeth, legs, boobs, shoulders. Look at that girl, she much prettier. Tastes differ. Just take your bag of blocker toss it. Even if somebody doesn’t like you, life goes on. You’re the most beautiful, period.

Telling your friends all about your date and snipe about a guy doesn't always turn out well. There are many cases I know when the guy somehow magically learned about this. Every friend has her own way to do it.

You can chit chat at the bar, and if he not your 'train', go back to your friends. A date doesn’t oblige you to anything, whether it is the first or the hundred and first.

The bar is the easiest way to find a short-term romantic adventure to shake up, unwind, and then think about its continuation.

Now that I'm married, I can go to my favourite bar close by. Not to meet someone, but to drink my favourite non-alcoholic cocktail and chat with the bartender. A friend of mine once said that Kazakhstan wouldn’t need psychologists as far as bartenders are here. That is right isn't it?

Good luck, sweethearts, whether you meet a guy in a bar, restaurant, cafe or disco! You’ll succeed! Be happy those who have already found their soul mate, and those who haven’t yet don’t despair. Remember that everything has its time. After a while, you'll get the best. Thank you for reading chapter two. See you in the next chapter.

HOW MANY MINUTES DID IT TAKE TO READ THIS FAR?

TEN, FIVE OR MORE?

I REALLY WANT TO MAKE IT FIFTEEN-MINUTE-READING…

Chapter 3

A busy body mom: should you look closer?

Koschei the Immortal meets Baba Yaga. Koschei asks:

– Where are you going, old timer?"

– To the military post at the North pole.

– Why?

– I fed up being alone. Want to marry an officer.

– Who is going to marry such an old trout?"

– You know nothing. Maybe I’m Baba Yaga here, but there I’m Vasilisa the Beautiful!

Author unknown.

I think mothers tend to start warring and turn on the 'flashing light' when their daughters 'delay' their marriage. Especially if they turn 30.

I know she asked you at least once: when will you get married? You need to give birth to children and age with dignity, after all! Your aunts and friends are likewise trying to find you a good match and keep finding and finding, and finding, and finding, and finding…

IT IS HORROR!)

I remember, after graduation, as it should be, I went to Astana to enter a university. Graduated from it and started working. Made a lot of friends who were peers and older. So far many of them aren’t married or have children.

But the most fun was visiting my mother.

I had a hell of lectures at lunches and dinners, CARL! A HELL! of mom's lectures. The tea was served with news about someone's daughters getting married. EVEN my cousins who were five and seven years younger than me were also married! My mother went into detail about someone's reception, beautiful bride dress and dowry.

This went on for about a year, after which my mom moved on to more drastic measures. She would start talking about some 'nice guy' of a friend of her. Surely, he was still single and wanted to get married. I knew at once that he wasn’t the one who was looking for a wife, they were.