Friendship Fails of Emma Nash

Interesting…

‘I don’t know.’ I frowned.

Me and Gracie are definitely getting along better now, but still, I don’t remember the last time I hung out with her on my own…

‘If you’re really going to focus on your friendships,’ said Mum, all knowing, ‘wouldn’t that be the best place to start?’

I suppose I could message Gracie… In theory. Although, there are a lot of things one could do in theory. In theory I could climb a mountain. In theory I could watch something new, instead of starting Gilmore Girls yet again from the beginning. And we all know that’s never going to happen.

posted by EditingEmma 16.09

I Can Do This

Gave in when I started considering tidying my room as an actual possibility. Right… I can do this. I mean, last term I started conversations with boys I’d only ever seen around school. This term I plan on making friends with people I’ve never said a word to before (bar Anika Khatri, who we’ll put down as the inevitable ‘fist pancake’). Phoning Gracie, who I already speak to every day, should be a piece of cake… right?!

Right?!

Ughhh. Why am I so nervous?! This is ridiculous. I CAN DO THIS.

posted by EditingEmma 16.15

I Can’t Do This

When Gracie picked up the phone she sounded really, really baffled.

‘Emma?’ she asked as if recalling a distant memory, like when the old woman at the end of Titanic is looking at her belongings from the wreckage.

‘Yes, hello.’

Then I heard her dad say ‘Who is it?’ in the background.

‘It’s Emma,’ she said.

‘Emma?’ he replied.

‘Emma,’ she said again.

‘Yes, for God’s sake, it’s me, EMMA,’ I shouted. ‘It’s not like Willie Thomas is calling you.’

(Willie Thomas is a boy who stands really close to girls at school so he can loom over their breasts. He also mouth breathes.)

‘Ew, why would he?’

‘Well, that’s exactly my point.’

‘You rang to tell me that you’re not Willie Thomas?’

‘I… Forget it. What are you doing?’

‘Nothing much,’ she said. ‘Why?’

‘No reason. God! Why are you so suspicious?’

‘… I’m playing a board game with my dad,’ she said.

‘Cool. Can I come over?’

‘You want to play a board game? With my dad?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why?’

‘FOR GOD’S SAKE. I’M NOT WILLIE THOMAS.’

We got there eventually, but that was painful. We’ve arranged to hang out later… Oh God. What if it’s awful?! What if we have absolutely nothing to say to each other without Steph and Faith?! I must keep reminding myself… it can’t be any worse than some of the awful dates I went on last term. Right?!

RIGHT?!

posted by EditingEmma 17.45

Lingering on Gracie’s Front Path

I am not Willie Thomas. I am not Willie Thomas. I am not Willie Thomas. I am not Willie Thomas.

posted by EditingEmma 19.31

I Might As Well Be Willie Thomas

Well, that was uncomfortable.

I got there at five thirty and I’m home at seven thirty. That should tell you something about how awkward that was.

When I finally knocked on the door (after lingering on the path for a good fifteen minutes), Gracie opened it and looked a little bit surprised to see me.

‘Hi?’ she said, questioningly.

‘Hi,’ I said.

But she didn’t let me in.

‘We did say I was coming over, right?’ I asked.

‘Oh, yeah, right,’ she said, and finally moved aside.

I took off my shoes and we both stood for a while.

You could have heard a pin drop.

‘So, um, how are you?’ I asked.

‘Oh, good,’ she said. ‘You?’

‘Yes, good. I’m good.’ I gave a forced smile.

Silence.

‘So, um, this is the living room…’ she said.

I was about to point out that I’d been here A MILLION times before, but I didn’t, because then I’d actually have to come up with something else to talk about. So I just nodded.

‘Nice,’ I said.

And before I knew it, I was being taken on a tour of her house.

A TOUR OF HER HOUSE. A house that I basically GREW UP IN.

Eventually, we stopped in the kitchen.

‘So, this is the kitchen,’ she said.

Yes, I threw up in that vase, I thought.

‘Would you like a biscuit?’ she asked, holding out the tin.

‘Oh, no thanks, but thank you for offering,’ I said.

… No thanks?!

Thank you for offering?!

WHO AM I?!?!

I SO wanted the biscuit…but I was in this weird polite mode. As soon as I’d said no, I regretted it.

‘Shall we, um, play a board game?’ Gracie asked. I was still staring wistfully at the biscuit tin.

‘Er, yes, that sounds delightful,’ I said.

Delightful?

Then we went into the living room to play board games (which I let her win, obviously, because I value my life). It was all very…cordial. Almost stiff. Sort of like we were well-behaved Victorian children.

I guess nothing really bad happened, but it just never felt natural. I kept checking the clock and it wasn’t moving. Except it was moving, because I could hear it ticking. There were the kind of awkward silences you can actually hear and we had to keep reviving the conversation with small-talk CPR. The whole time I was thinking about the biscuit.

Eventually, her dad caught me raiding the biscuit tin with a crazed look in my eye. I gave some excuse about having to leave and quickly got out of the house.

Now I’m walking home in disgrace, pulling crumbs out of my hair.

Evidence: Friend dates can be just as awkward as romantic dates.

Seriously, I was nervous about this…but I really did think friend-dating would be easier!!! I mean, I know for a fact that Gracie’s not going to lunge at my face when I’m least expecting it, or attempt to cuddle me when I’m trying to consume snacks. The threat of teeth bumping has been removed. I don’t have to worry about whether my hands are sweaty or whether I’ve eaten garlic. And still, with all of that stuff gone, I can barely have a coherent conversation?! With someone I’ve known and hung out with nearly every day for five years?!

How is that even possible?!?!

Ugh, one failed attempt to make a new friend and one failed endeavour to hang out with an old one. This whole ‘spread the platonic love’ thing is NOT going as planned. Now I feel lonelier than ever.

Friday, 7 November

posted by EditingEmma 17.07

Faith got back from holiday yesterday, so we’re all going out to see some fireworks.

‘Do you know if Claudia’s coming?’ I asked Steph.

‘I asked Faith, she said it’s too soon.’

‘Eugh, WHAT.’

‘They have only been on two dates…’

‘But…but…I want to her meet her!’

‘I think your eagerness is only making it less likely.’

‘What?! I can be cool!’

‘Yeah, the twelve hundred pictures I have of you photobombing me and Andy really prove that.’

‘Point taken.’

‘Andy’s coming anyway, and a couple of his mates.’

‘Does that mean Meathead Babs?’ I asked, with trepidation.

‘Unfortunately, yes,’ she answered.

posted by EditingEmma 20.18

At the Display

Having so much fun watching the fireworks. At least I would be, if it wasn’t for Meathead Babs’ loud guffawing.

‘What is so funny about fireworks?!’ I whispered to Steph.

‘I have no idea,’ she said.

posted by EditingEmma 20.27

Mystery solved. Just heard Babs say on the phone, ‘No really, mate, they looked exactly like your jizz, that time we ate all that food colouring at Gav’s.’

posted by EditingEmma 23.37

A Breakthrough Moment

Back home now, and I think I might have actually had a breakthrough moment with Gracie!!

All evening, I thought I saw her looking a bit uncomfortable at times. My first clue was when Steph and Andy were in front of us, using a filter where Steph’s head looked GIGANTIC and Andy had four noses, and Gracie smiled but didn’t laugh. I mean, if someone isn’t laughing at face-contorting Snapchats, there must be something wrong.

Then I noticed she kept staring at her phone, not really getting involved in conversation. I was wondering what was up, and then I remembered it was probably the first time she’d been out with Steph and Andy together. I know she said she was fine with it, but it’s probably going to take some getting used to… I mean, if I’m feeling weird about this, it must be ten times weirder for Gracie.

THEN came the breakthrough moment. Faith was smiling goofily at her phone, at what I’m assuming were messages from Claudia. Meathead Babs was busy pretending to lick his hot dog in an erotic manner. Steph and Andy were taking a selfie. Just as I was about to jump into the perfect Emma-sized gap between their heads, I noticed Gracie looking a bit lost and small.

It was like everything went slo-mo. I knew I had a big decision to make. Continue to photobomb Steph, or go and actually be a good friend. Such…tough…life…decisions…

The camera clicked. Without me. (Obviously, I photoshopped myself in as soon as I got home, but I’m halfway on the road to recovery.) If I was really serious about making my friendship with Gracie work, I was going to have to try harder than one awkward game of Scrabble.

‘Hey, let’s go over here,’ I said, putting my hand on her shoulder.

‘Why?’ She practically jumped out of her skin. ‘Where are you taking me?’

‘I’m abducting you, obviously.’

‘Seriously, where are we going?!’

‘For the love of God, I’m not Willie Thomas!!!’

Eventually we got away from the group. She shrugged at me.

‘What’s going on?’ she asked.

I took a deep breath. ‘Are you OK? You know, about Andy and Steph?’ I gabbled.

She looked a bit taken aback.

‘Yeah. Fine. Why?’

‘You just seemed a bit…maybe not fine?’

She crossed her arms. ‘Did Steph send you? Are you going to go back and talk about how possessive and uptight I’m being?’

It was my turn to look taken aback.

‘What?! NO! I just thought you might be feeling weird, which would be completely understandable.’

Her shoulders relaxed a bit, then, and her face softened.

‘And it wouldn’t mean you were being possessive or uptight, or even that you weren’t fine with it,’ I went on. ‘It would just mean you were adjusting, which would be totally normal.’

She searched my eyes for a moment, as if looking for proof I was tricking her or something. Eventually she must have decided I wasn’t, because she said, ‘Well… OK. I guess it is a bit weird.’

I nodded like I knew. Which I absolutely don’t, because I don’t have any siblings. Would it be the same to imagine a friend dating my mum…? GROSS. NO. TOTALLY NOT THE SAME. GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ I asked.

‘I don’t know,’ she started cautiously. ‘Like, it’s nice in a way, I mean it would be nice if Steph came to our family events and things…’

‘That would be fun,’ I said.

‘Yeah. I mean…it will be nice for a while. But they’ll probably break up, right? And then what will happen? Will Steph still want to come round mine?’

‘Probably jumping ahead a bit.’

‘Yeah, but, it’s true, right?’

‘Well… There might be some potential awkwardness if they break up.’

Gracie sighed.

‘But I think that’s all it is…just awkwardness,’ I continued. ‘It wouldn’t actually damage your friendship with Steph or your relationship with Andy. Their relationship is their thing.’

Gracie nodded, but she didn’t seem convinced.

‘Is this what’s bothering you?’ I carried on. ‘Their potential break-up?’

‘No, I mean, there is that… But it’s more like… I don’t know.’

‘What?’

She chewed her lip.

‘I would never say this to Steph, so please don’t repeat this.’

‘I won’t.’

‘Do you swear?’

‘I swear!’

‘But you tell Steph everything.’

‘I won’t tell her, I promise!’

She paused.

‘What if I become less important to both of them, than they are to each other? That would be awful. I’d feel left out at home, at school… I guess, I don’t know, this relationship just invades my life from all angles.’

She put her head down, covering her face in rivulets of red hair. Suddenly I had an urge I’d never had before… To hug her. I mean, we’ve hugged before, but I mean really hug her. Squeeze her.

‘GRACIE,’ I shouted. ‘That is so not even a tiny, weeny possibility! Andy is your brother, your blood. Blood! Blood! BLOOD!’

‘Please stop shouting “blood”.’

‘And Steph is one of your best friends!’ I carried on.

She looked up at me, through her hair.

‘Don’t get me wrong,’ I said. ‘They’re going to have a, um, different bond with each other than they do with you. But not more important. No way.’

She looked at me all vulnerable and bushbaby-eyed.

‘Do you really think so?’

‘YES. Of course!’

She nodded.

‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘You know, I actually feel lots better.’

I thought about going for the squeeze-hug, then, but I thought it was still probably a bit premature. So I just linked my arm through hers and we went back over to the group.

‘What were you guys doing?’ asked Steph.

‘Oh, er… ’ I looked at Gracie, who stared back at me with pleading eyes.

‘Just checking out the cute hot-dog guy,’ Gracie finished.

Steph frowned, glancing at the hot-dog guy (who was in his fifties and sporting a handlebar moustache), but didn’t ask any more questions. She turned back to Andy.

‘Thank you,’ mouthed Gracie. And she smiled at me.

And now I’m in bed, still thinking about the talk and the smile and the fact she actually seemed better after our chat. I feel kind of…warm? About Gracie. Warm about me and Gracie. Huh.

Saturday, 8 November

posted by EditingEmma 11.07

I Don’t BELIEVE This

I just saw Crazy Holly posting about an email she’d got from the school, and how excited she was to try out her designs for ‘banana shoes’ in the fashion show.

I DIDN’T GET ANY EMAIL!

Rang Steph.

‘I don’t believe this,’ I said. ‘Did you see Holly’s post?’

‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘What do you think banana shoes means? Like, shaped like a banana? Or made out of actual banana?’

‘STEPH. Please focus on the matter in hand. I signed up for that, and I’ve not heard a peep!’

She laughed. ‘Chill out, Emma. They probably just missed you off by accident.’

‘Oh yeah sure, an accident. I can’t believe I finally put myself forward for something at school and I’m getting rejected. Rejected by teachers. Seriously, this really is an all-time low. This is psychologically scarring.’

Steph paused.

‘Maybe you just didn’t make the cut, Emma. I mean, when you’re competing against banana shoes…’

She is so unhelpful. Anyway, I’ve sent Ms Parker a strongly worded email. Let’s see what she has to say for herself.

posted by EditingEmma 13.15

Email from Ms Parker:

Oh, I thought you were joking. Have added you to the list!

P.S. Don’t even think about missing the first meeting.

It’s really no wonder ‘the youth of today’ are all struggling with their self-confidence, is it, when the people supposed to be inspiring and encouraging them show so little faith.

posted by EditingEmma 14.56

Friendship Progress

I have just officially received a message from Gracie. Not in ‘Strengthening our Womanly Bonds,’ but in our private thread.

Our private thread which has not had a message in it since eight months ago, when I asked her if she’d remembered her ingredients for FT, and she said yes, and I said please can I cut off half your avocados and use them as mine, no one will notice, and she said no.

So do you want to maybe come over later? 14.44

I’m still looking at the message sitting there. It feels like a message from an alien. But I’m going to say yes. I really, really hope it goes better than last time.

posted by EditingEmma 22.16

A Friendship Reborn

That was a very, very strange evening. But I think…I think it was good. I think it was really good.

When I first got there it was much the same as last time. We played board games and I continued to let her win. We made small talk. I was just starting to despair that we’d ever be properly at ease with each other alone, and wondering if that magical moment of closeness on Bonfire Night was just a one-off that had disappeared into thin air… When suddenly… it was like we sort of…reverted to our twelve-year-old selves.

We started flipping through some magazines and Gracie said, ‘Do you think I have weak eyebrows?’

I snorted.

‘Why, do some other eyebrows want to take it outside?’

She pointed at a picture of Cara Delevingne.

‘I’ll never look like her. My eyebrows are so wispy,’ she sighed.

‘Well…no,’ I said, ‘but it’s not really the eyebrows. It’s more like your other features and hair and skin tone and everything else about you.’

‘Draw me some eyebrows!’ she said, all keen.

So I drew some eyebrows on her. Then she drew some eyebrows on me.

We looked ridiculous.

‘What do you think?’ Gracie asked.

‘I think they look like two giant slugs trying to eat the rest of your face.’

Then we started drawing beauty moles on each other and did our hair all big and ending up taking pictures of ourselves in our underwear, pouting and pretending to be Victoria’s Secret models. As you do. Then we realized we look absolutely nothing like Victoria’s Secret models and so put the whole ugly incident behind us. But until that point it was really, really fun. I’ve not had that kind of pure, unadulterated sort of fun where time disappears and you’re just doing really pointless, silly things in…well…I can’t actually remember.

It was sort of like we both sensed we needed to go back in time to before we discovered alcohol, before body hang-ups, before boys and hormones and confusing feelings and just be Emma and Gracie. Emma and Gracie before all those things started getting in the way. It was kind of like…I don’t know, like we were redoing our entire friendship from the beginning.

When I came back in, Mum said, ‘Did you have a good time?’

‘I did, actually,’ I said.

She looked all smug and annoying. So I reminded her of the message from the ‘doctor’ she got all excited about earlier, who turned out in fact to be not a doctor but a self-professed ‘lurve doctor’.

Anyway, I feel sort of…giddy?! It’s like I’ve made a new friend, even though we’ve technically been friends for years.

Sunday, 9 November

posted by EditingEmma 21.14

Does Being A Good Friend Sometimes Mean Being a Bad Friend?

So Steph came over this evening… And I lied to her.

I’ve NEVER lied to Steph. Ever. I mean, there was that time she wore flares and I told her they looked good, when flares categorically cannot look anything but disgusting. But I’ve never properly lied to her.

We were just lazing around discussing what hairstyle Steph should try next (Steph and her sister are constantly changing their hair – at the moment she’s going natural Afro) when she suddenly said, ‘So, what were you and Gracie being so secretive about the other day?’

My brain froze. ‘Um…’

I couldn’t tell her we were only being secretive because we were talking about Gracie’s brother, and Steph is dating Gracie’s brother.

‘No we weren’t. When do you mean?’ I said, unconvincingly.

I really wanted to tell her what we’d actually been saying, but then I remembered my promise to Gracie and her pleading eyes.

‘Never mind.’ Steph shrugged.

Ughhhhh. What do you do when something that means being a good friend to one person, means potentially being a bad friend to another? Obviously I share everything with Steph and I don’t want to keep stuff from her, but this isn’t my thing to share.

It was hard, but I comforted myself with the fact that earlier on I bought her the best birthday present EVER. I got us tickets to the Women’s Premier League. I mean, I’ll probably have to stick pins in my arm to try to stay awake, but she’ll LOVE it. I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I give them to her.

posted by EditingEmma 22.04

The New Friend Plan: Step 2

Before Steph left, she said, ‘How are your resolutions going, by the way?’

‘Ah.’ I tapped my nose. ‘Funny you should mention. Only a few hours ago, I set the wheels of a brand new beautiful and everlasting friendship in motion. Just in time for the new term.’

All this week, I’d sort of been considering putting the friend mission to one side, seeing how well things are going with Gracie. But then I remembered how exposed I felt without Steph and Faith…just for a few days. A few days. What about when Gracie isn’t available, too? What about when it’s for longer periods of time?! I feel like relying solely on three people probably isn’t that different than two.

Plus, given that Steph and Faith are both in new relationships, and Gracie’s been making lots of new friends at her Cambridge prep study group, it seems like everyone else has their own stuff going on. And, well, I don’t.

Now that everyone’s adding more things and more people to their lives, I think I need to as well. Steph, Faith and Gracie are sewn so deeply through the fabric of my life that I don’t even know who I am when I’m not in the context of them. I’m slightly petrified, but I think it’s probably time I try to find out.

So, for now, I’ve decided put the Anika thing down to pure naivety. A youthful indiscretion, if you will. But now I know… if you want to be friends with someone, maybe don’t start off too intense.

Which is why it seemed sensible to choose this next person on my list. Hannah Condom. I don’t need to do tons of research to get chatting to Hannah – her surname is all the conversation starter I will ever need! Step two of the New Friend Plan is a go.

Emma Nash: Hi Hannah, I just wanted to say I’ve never truly appreciated before that your last name is Condom! What lolz. I wish I had a surname like that. And you’ll never forget to use one! X

That should do it. I bet we’ll be BFFs by the end of the week.

Monday, 10 November

posted by EditingEmma 08.32

Back To School

Deep joy.

posted by EditingEmma 13.15

I Will Never Be Friends With Hannah Condom