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<<Tell me, you know I’d do anything for you!>> I exclaim intrigued.
<<Would you help me to win Matthias?>> she asks me quickly and always more intimidated in a “now or never” style.
This request is like a bolt from the blue that runs through me and I say the first thing that goes through my head. <<I don’t know if I can help you.>>
<<Are you jealous?>> Robbie asks me scornfully, regaining confidence in herself.
It’s certain that this day is going from bad to worse!
My blood froze in my veins, I feel like a thief caught red-handed. I rebut without ruminate too much: <<Absolutely not! What are you thinking about? Matthias is just a friend. It is that becoming friendly with him I learned that he is very busy with his work and therefore he does not have time for anything else.>> I realize that I’m trying to justify myself clutching at straws and saying the first stupid thing that can save me.
<<Is he involved only with his job?>> she asks me sarcastically, showing off a hateful malicious smile.
<<Stop with these turns of phrase! Okay, I’ll try it, but do not blame me if nothing will happen between you.>>
<<At least we will have tried it!>> she exclaims looking at me badly.
<<Yeah right! you are perfectly right, there’s no harm in trying.>> I say to her with a fake smile.
<<Forgive me if I came here without giving you notice. I tried to call you but, as usual, you forgot to turn on the ringtone. Since I was in the neighbourhood I dropped in quickly. We haven’t seen for days and anyway I would also come just to say hello.>>
<<You did well, you know that I’m always happy to see you. Would you like some tea, coffee or a cold drink?>>
<<No, thanks. I have to run off! My visit is a hit-and-run.>>
<<Okay, I give up...>> I say, raising my hands in surrender.
<<I leave you alone to your splits and turns. Don’t overwork yourself too much, Isabel. You have an anxious and tired face, you look also slimmed down. Take care!>> she says, hugging me with affection. Time to say goodbye and she went away leaving me upset and thoughtful.
Returning home, Roberta meets Max and decides to talk to him about the conversation she had with her friend just a moment ago, about Isabel’s strange attitudes and about her presumed doubts. They both suppose that there’s the likelihood that Isabel is falling in love with the handsome Matthias.
It’s night but I can not sleep. Max continues to be angry with me, Robbie is all over me and asks me impossible favours, I’m tired, I have many important things on which I have to focus and they give me no respite. Don’t they realize that I’m at a delicate phase? I’m about to have a nervous breakdown! Then there is Matthias, yeah, Matthias... At this time I’d like to leave for another galaxy!
I don’t know what to do. My head is about to explode with all this thinking.
If I could I’d go on a mountain top and I’d scream with all my strength Matthias is right, I must concentrate on one thing at a time. Now the ballet school is important. Stop thinking about Max and Robbie’s bullshit! I curl up under the blanket and finally my eyelids begin to get heavy. I just want to sleep and not to think about anything and anybody.
V
Walking lightheartedly towards home, some screams draw my attention. I recognise Matthias’ voice, I look towards the direction from which the yells come and I witness an unpleasant scene. At the front door there’s him who is arguing with two men with a dodgy face. Without anyone noticing it I stop to understand what they might want from him; but when Matthias notices my presence he asks me in an aggressive way to leave them alone. This attitude caught me off guard, I have never heard him use that tone of voice before, especially with me. I say nothing and look at him in a bad way, although in reality I wanted to insult him heavily. How dare he address me in this way? What have I done to be treated thus? I’m furious but at the same time worried. Those fellows make the skin crawl. I hope he doesn’t work with such kind of people or even worse that he hangs out with them. Surely it’s not like that. I don’t see him going around with that kind of people. Who are they? What do they want from him?
My curiosity thunders, I have a strong desire to go to him and to bombard him with questions. I don’t do it not to seem nosy and above all I don’t do it for pride. He could use other manners! I stay all the afternoon in my bedroom to study and to avoid meeting him. But my concern gets the better of my intentions. After all is said and done he has always been there for me when I needed it. I arm myself with strength and courage and I go towards his bedroom. Now or never!
Despite my legs tremble I decide to knock on the door of Matthias’ bedroom.
<<Come in>> he says with a calm tone of voice.
<<Forgive me if I turn up here, I don’t want to seem intrusive or indiscreet, but I wanted to talk to you about what happened today out here.>> Matthias listens but he doesn’t look at me.
<<Do you remember when a little time ago I was depressed and you were there for me? Well, I owe it to you; so if you want to let off steam or distract yourself, I’m here for you.>>
<<Actually, I was just coming to get you to apologise to you. I realised that I have been an asshole, I treated you badly for nothing. Forgive me but I was very nervous because of those two men who were there with me.>>
<<Do you want to talk about it?>> I ask, hoping of being able to bring back the smile on his beautiful face, but also to have some answers.
<<I’m sorry, Isabel, but I don’t want to talk about it now. I swear that I’ll do it as soon as I’ll be more relaxed. You’ll be the first one to whom I’ll tell everything.>>
I remain puzzled and disappointed that he doesn’t want to open himself up to me. I nod to let him know that I understand.
Finally he raises his wonderful eyes towards me, takes my hand and pulls me towards him. <<Come on, sit down and tell me how your plans for the future evolve.>> he says making me sit beside him on his bed.
Good Lord! Staying so close to him is a torture. I immediately move the mischievous thoughts away from my mind and breathing deeply I reconnect my brain. I came here because I wanted some answers and instead he clearly changes the subject to avoid me to make him other questions to which he doesn’t want to answer. He will certainly think that I’m nosy! I accept his discretion in keeping his thoughts to himself and answer: <<All right, thanks!>>
<<And how is you friend Roberta? It’s some time since I’ve seen her.>>
Why does he ask me it? I realized that I stiffened and pretending not to notice anything I answer without dwelling too much: <<She’s fine, thanks! You know, actually I should ask you something from her. It’s already a few days that she asked me it but I never had a chance to do it. She would like to know if you want to spend some time with her. You could go out together one evening; she would love it very much.>>
I don’t know why but I have a fucking fear of his answer. My blood is boiling and I would never have asked it. I’m an emeritus idiot! I’d rather crash to the ground than see Matthias with another woman, much less with my best friend!
<<Roberta is very pretty, but my heart and my thoughts belong to another woman.>> Matthias answers looking down at the floor.
Suddenly I have a tachycardia attack. I can not even look at him, I just want to get out of this fucking bedroom.
Roberta is absolutely right; I fell in love with Matthias since the first moment I saw him. From the very moment he came into my life, I was enchanted by him and then little by little I began to feel something deeper. The only thought that he could be connected with another woman hurts me. I would have never entered into his bedroom. I try to hold on for not making anything leak. Without looking at him to prevent him from noticing my frame of mind, I spell out: <<I understand, forgive me for the intrusiveness!>>
To avoid showing him my sadness, I say a trivial excuse to get out of this miserable situation: <<Forgive me again for having infringed on your privacy, I have to go help my mother for dinner, now.>>
<<Don’t worry, thanks for asking, Isabel. Remember that you can come here and talk to me whenever you want!>>
<<Thank you.>> I whisper.
I go out the door, breath deeply and rush to my bedroom to suffer in silence and far from prying eyes.
I don’t know how many hours I’m locked here crying, I feel emptied, I have not even come down for dinner. Now that I have the awareness that I’m in love with Matthias I don’t know what to do. How can I get him out of my head? I can’t believe he loves another woman. Who’s she? Isabel, you are very idiot! How could you even think for a moment that a guy like that could not have someone? I realize that actually I know nothing about him. How could this happen? Why did I fall in love with him? He is so unattainable, incomprehensible and with a fluctuating mood. Look who’s talking! My mood also is unstable lately. I begin to understand the reason of my disquiet. In recent months I have not fixed points. Am I in love with Max? I don’t know... I’m attached to him but I have never felt with him what I feel when I look at or think of Matthias. Max has always been my friend. Can it really be that I have agreed to get engaged to him only because of exhaustion? At the beginning I was happy, at least I believe it. We were often in touch but it’s also true that most of the time it has always been him who bended over backwards for me. I like him physically, he has a wonderful smile and in the past he made me feel safe in his arms. I feel like shit towards him. I have to get Matthias off my mind! Come back on planet Earth, Isabel! You are engaged to a man who loves you and would do anything for you! Poor Max, I’m hurting his feelings. From tomorrow onwards I must avoid Matthias and I must only think about passing my last exams and realizing my dream.
VI
My parents have organised for me a surprise party to help me find some peace of mind and to gratify me for the efforts of recent months. They have invited all my friends, including Matthias.
I’m really surprised and happy. Fortunately in the last period it’s much better with Max. We are again so harmonious to make anybody envious, the classical perfect couple. I’m succeeding in calming down and in masking my feelings for Matthias. I have understand that we do not belong together and that nothing will ever happen between us. It’s not fair to think about or desire the man of another and above all it’s not fair to hurt the man who loves me. The more I look around me, the more I realize how much lucky I am.
Everybody seems to have fun and the party organised by my parents is taking place for the best; the food is great, my mother has prepared my favourite dishes and everybody is submerging me in affection and gifts.
<<Come on, Isabel! Unwrap your presents>> Rossana urges, distracting me from my thoughts.
<<Yes, come here, so you’ll see them too!>> I say to her, knowing her curiosity.
The guys gave me a tracksuit and the girls gave me two sets of underwear: one is in black lace and the other is always in lace but pale pink and with a so narrow g-string that wearing it will not leave anything to the imagination.
A note draws my attention:
Watching you dance will always move me. You can make me enjoy the feeling of freedom, your every movement is poetry for me. Matthias
Reading it I panic for a moment. I open the box that accompanied the note to see what it contains and with amazement I find an iPod.
I look at Matthias and he tells me with a smile: <<This is more convenient that the mobile phone to listen to music when you go running.>>
<<Thank you>> I say to him smiling shyly.
Amazing! He is a good observer. I think no one has ever paid attention to what I wear and what I use to listen to music when I go running.
I get distracted by the doorbell, someone is ringing the bell and I wonder who it is. Here’s my curiosity is rewarded: there are some unwelcome guests, the two thugs with whom Matthias was quarrelling long ago at the front door.
Matthias stiffens in their presence. He invites them to go out accompanying them to the door and he goes away with them, leaving the party without saying goodbye.
I am very worried about him, I have thoughts more and more confused. I wonder what he conceals and what those nasty people want from him.
I don’t want to make my concern leak and I try to laugh and to get involved by the happiness of the others even if I’d just like to be alone with my thoughts.
The party is coming to an end and there’s neither form nor shadow of Matthias. I continue looking at the door of the living room hoping to see him back and to make sure he is okay. I’m worried, I’d like to ask my mother, maybe she knows something about Matthias’ past. After I change my mind: no, it’s not fair! I want him to tell me everything.
Little by little everyone leaves, including Max who I hope didn’t notice my “not being there” I must do something to stay up as much as possible to wait for Matthias’ return, I need to make sure he is okay.
<<Isabel, give me a hand to tidy up, please.>> my mother asks me, distracting me from the confusion that I have in my mind.
<<Yes, mummy>>
<<Happy for the surprise?>>
<<Very, really! Dad and you have been fantastic. Thank you!>> I say, hugging her tight.
<<Is there something that troubles you, my darling?>> she asks worried.
<<No, I’m just tired. You know, all the emotions of the just passed day.>>
<<I’ll end it alone, Isabel. Go to sleep.>> she says, accepting my fleeting answer.
<<I help you really gladly, you are surely very tired too!>> although I want to be alone and immerse myself in my thoughts, I believe that helping my mother can help me to distract myself and to pass the time. Who knows, maybe in the meantime Matthias could come back and I want to understand what his mood is. He may need to let off steam. Matthias, where on earth are you?
We clear the table, vacuum the floor, wash and dry the dishes, and tidy the kitchen up. An infinite amount of time passed and still no news of Matthias.
I stay with my mother to chat a little and make her see the gifts I received and then we head for our bedrooms.
I take a shower and get ready for the night. I lie on the bed and can not sleep. I continue thinking about Matthias, where he may be now and who the hell can be those disgusting beings. I wonder why he never speaks about his family; he is a so closed person... He has a more and more unstable mood, from smiling he clouds in no time at all. It does not take a rocket science to understand that those two unsavoury men are primitive; they have ignoble attitudes and certainly they ignore the existence of etiquette. They look like they’ve come out of some mafia movie. The only thought of them makes me shiver!
Sleep isn’t on the cards. I reread Matthias’ note and connect the iPod that he gave me to the laptop to load the music.
I hear footsteps! Matthias! I get out of bed and rush to the door, opening it wide.
<<Hi!>> I say, scrutinizing him to understand what mood he can be and above all to ensure he is still in one piece.
<<Forgive me if I woke you, coming back.>> he says worriedly.
<<Actually I could not sleep...>>
<<Forgive me if I went away like that.>>
I don’t give him the time to finish speaking and I ask him: <<Are you okay?>>
<<Yes, I’m just a little tired and I really want to go to sleep.>>
I realize that he does everything to avoid telling me what happened to him. Suddenly he changes his mood and I notice that he looks at me from head to foot and tells me sniggering: <<Nice pyjamas!>>
I look at myself and I realise that I wear a poor white satin underskirt that covers very little. I blush and try to turn tail as soon as possible.
<<Good night, Matthias>> I succeed in telling him in total embarrassment.
<<Good night, Isabel>> he says, winking mischievously.
Practically I run to my room, embarrassed to death. I forgot what I was wearing. I will go out of this bedroom no more. I’m having a lot of complexes. Oh my God! He could think that I did it on purpose to show me like that!
What should I do to help Matthias? I don’t understand why he insists on not wanting to vent with me. Maybe he believes that I’m not live up to it. He promised me that as soon as he wanted to talk to someone about it I would be the first one to whom he would do it. Maybe I just have to have a little patience. Matthias, why are you so taciturn?
“Sweet Isabel” Matthias thinks to himself, still amused by the expression and the embarrassment he has aroused in her and for a moment he thought no longer about his problems
“I have to find a solution as soon as possible. One of these days I’ll tell her everything. I have noticed how much she cares about me. It’s 3 a.m and certainly she stayed up to wait for me. Oh Isabel... If only everything was less complicated!”
VII
I did well to go jogging, in this way I relieved myself of some tension.
The sun emanates an unbearable heat. It’s autumn but today it seems to be the middle of summer. Where are the seasons? I can hardly wait for getting home to take this sweaty tracksuit off, freshen up and to wear something lighter.
Two silhouettes in front of the gate of the house draw my attention. What the heck are they doing here? There are the two well-known “gentlemen” with no good manners in front of the main door, they’re certainly waiting for Matthias.
<<Good morning, Miss. Do you remember us?>> they ask me sarcastically. What the hell do they want from me these morons?
<<Yes, unfortunately! You are the ones who yesterday ruined my party.>> I answer in an annoyed tone.
Their presence bothers me and makes my good spirits disappear.
<<Why do you say so? What have we done? Ah, maybe we took away the most important guest!>> they exclaim making a mockery of me with a smile that I’d like to take away maybe arming myself with a baseball bat and beating their teeth with it.
I stiffen and begin to get nervous; raising my voice I answer very rudely: <<How dare you go to people’s houses without being allowed or invited? What a cheek! Among other things I haven’t allowed you to speak to me. Furthermore you are also requested not to stand in front of my house!>> these two men have the power to bring out the worst part of me... they instigate violence!
<<Matthias is my friend and who pisses my friends off, pisses me off too! I don’t like you, I don’t know you and I do not want to have anything to do with you so, if possible, stay away from this house. Arrange appointments elsewhere, this is not a meeting place for scum like you!>> I pause to breath <<Now, if you excuse me, I’d like to get into my house!>> I exclaim screaming hysterically and at the end of my rope.
While I try to open the front door the biggest man gets in front of me to prevent me from entering in the house and threateningly says: <<Oh! Excuse us if we don’t worth your while, little sod! Tell your friend to think well about what he has to do unless he doesn’t want to have unpleasant surprises in the future!>>
