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He smiles at me and placing two fingers under my chin he forces me to look into his eyes: <<Evidently it’s a sign of fate that we should meet.>>
<<Maybe...>> I answer intimidated by him, his eyes and the circumstance.
<<Nothing gets past you! In part you guessed it. I have Irish origins by my mother.>> he tells me proudly.
<<Your features, and the colour of your eyes and your hair suggested me it. You’re the classic beauty of northern Europe.>> I confess becoming red-faced. Good thing that I stopped drinking beers. I dare not imagine what I could say... For example that if I wasn’t engaged I would jump on him. And now? Where do these sinful thoughts come from?
We head for the car, we get in it and I put my hands on the steering wheel, pretending to be careful to what I’m doing. I don’t want him to notice my face still flushed because of my confession of a few minutes earlier.
Matthias is lost in thought and I don’t want to open my mouth to prevent other howlers. The silence is almost comfortable.
Finally we arrived at home. We climb the stairs staying always in silence and we find ourselves before the hallway where there are our bedrooms.
Breaking the silence I whisper to him: <<Good night, Matthias and thank you again for the lovely evening.>>
He looks at me and gets closer to give me a kiss on the cheek. <<Good night, Isabel.>>
We come in our respective rooms and despite the strong emotions felt during the day just passed I fall asleep as soon as I lean my head on the pillow.
III
The doorbell rings: it’s Max who has kept his promise. He has come to get me to have breakfast together and to take me to the university. I quickly walk down the stairs ready to face a new day and my unreliable boyfriend.
He is wearing jeans, a white t-shirt and dark blue jacket. I feel like we’ve been apart for a lifetime. Dark-haired, attentive and bright green eyes, olive complexion, tall and slender. I had almost forgotten how charming he was. We got engaged last year but we met in junior high school He was my first boyfriend. I have always been too focused on dance to think of love, I had some infatuations but nothing more. Poor Max! He has always loved me in silence for years and during courtship he has been very patient and insistent. Maybe I have succumbed to exhaustion.
I join him and ironically say: <<Hi, are you real or a hologram?>>
<<I’m real and I’m all here for you.>> he replies, dampening a guilty grin.
Meanwhile Matthias was walking down the stairs to reach the living room. He’s wearing a grey tight outfit and a white shirt, classic look for a businessman. It’s impossible to describe how he looks magnificently good in that outfit. I try not to look at him too much, focusing only on Max.
I feel really embarrassed, I hope nobody notices it. But then why do I feel this way? I study psychology for some years and I’m still not able to analyse my mind. The emotions of recent days are an enigma! I see Max who looks at Matthias and then at me. Maybe he expects introductions...
<<Hello Matthias, this is my boyfriend and my favourite flake Max...>>
<<Nice to meet you!>> Matthias exclaims disconsolately holding his hand out to shake.
<<Max, this is the guy I told you about yesterday on the phone.>> I say trying to deaden the tension. He looks stiffened. The knowledge and the existence of Matthias don’t seem to be as much well-accepted and it appears obvious by the way he quickly dissociates himself from Matthias.
<<Let’s go now, otherwise you will be late at the university and, besides, on an empty stomach!>> he smiles at me and nods his head to say goodbye to Matthias.
While we’re heading for the bar I tell him how I spent the previous evening. I was uncertain whether to do it or not, then I decide that it would be better to tell him it otherwise he would think that I had something to hide if he becomes aware about it by other means. And honestly I have not done anything wrong!
<<Nice, so after only few hours you had met him, you went out together. Great!>> he reproaches me.
<<Now are you jealous too? I have already explained you that he is the nephew of a dear friend of my mother and there’s nothing wrong with having a new friend! He is here just since yesterday and he feels like a fish out of water. Seen how yesterday evening ended, I wanted to distract myself a bit and he wanted to begin to know our city. Come on! Now take me to the university. It’s too late to have breakfast, so jealous boy!>> I exclaim without challenging too much his absurd suspicions and his sudden bad mood.
What dude! After all, he left me alone last night.
Fortunately, on the way we meet Roberta.
<<Hi, Robbie>> I say thanking my lucky stars to give me the chance to discuss no more with Max.
<<Hi, Isabel. Hi, Max>>
<<Since I have fulfilled my duty I can go now>> Max says making what might be called a fake smile. He kisses me and says goodbye to Robbie.
<<Talk to you later>> I say returning the kiss.
When I see Max going away I breathe a sigh of relief. Nothing gets past Robbie and she looks at me inquisitively. So I tell her everything that has happened in the last hours.
<<Isabel, forgive me if I take the liberty of...>
<<Tell me! You know you can tell me everything>> I say worried about the “pearls of wisdom” that are going to come out of her mouth.
<<In the last two months you have practically been a paranoid sourpuss and today all of a sudden you have a smile from ear to ear. When you talk about this infamous Matthias you can not help but notice your enthusiasm. I hope you weren’t so euphoric while you talked about him to Max too! I have no idea what can be so special about this guy. But he did a spell: your eyes have found the light that had been extinguished for quite some time.>>
<<Can’t I just be serene because today is a beautiful sunny day and because, after many days, I spent some time with Max?>> I ask her confuse about what she has just pointed out to me.
<<Look, whatever it was, welcome back Isabel! Whoever succeeded in doing it, I thank him from the bottom of my heart.>> She says taking me by the arm while we walk towards the entrance of the classroom.
It’s true that in recent times I could hardly feel new emotions. In fact, the more time passed, the more my pout was getting worse. My discontent will always remain a mystery. Robbie sees me practically every day and knows me better than anyone else. I didn’t know she was so worried about my fickle attitude. Maybe I’m just a little more tired than usual. I should control myself and put a stop to the constant desire to expect too much from myself. I’m constantly in competition with the whole world, I should give me some limits. But if I want to fulfil my dreams I can not afford to give up. Sometimes I’d like to be more carefree. I have chosen the department of psychology to study the mental processes and to understand human behaviour. In the future I want to work with children and adolescents, very sensitive persons. Some of them may have behavioural problems and I’d like to combine my studies with my passion. I love the discipline that is better known as contemporary dance: performance art that expresses the movement of the body and includes more styles on the basis of classical ballet. I want to be able to impart the same emotions that I feel and I want to teach others to unite body and mind to get carried away and overwhelmed by this combination. Contemporary dance is an expression in the round, also it includes the recitation of texts. One day it would be great to have my very own school! I do not dream to take part in musicals for a lifetime or to gambol in some stupid TV show. I love dance for what it gives me. It’s poetry for me, unconditional love and it makes me feel free. I do not need audiences, the music enters into my bones and, from that moment on, my body is able to do whatever I want, even to fly.
I get lost in my thoughts and I do not notice the time that is passing, when Robbie thinks to bring me sharply back to reality <<Is he engaged?>> she asks me point blank.
Understanding that she was referring to Matthias I answer: <<I don’t know...>> I pause and then I ask her: <<Could you come for dinner tonight? In this way I will introduce him to you and you can ask him it personally.>>
<<It’s not a bad idea>> she answers immediately, seizing the moment.
In the afternoon I was able to study a little and to spend a couple of hours in the gym, this time without embarrassing interruptions. I go to the bathroom to freshen up and to get ready for dinner. Robbie will come here in a while. I’m still in my bedroom when her message arrives on my mobile phone:
Come down, I’m at the front door.
I rush at the entrance to let her in and make her sit. Matthias has not been seen at all before dinner time, but when he makes his entrance in the dining room to join us, I notice Robbie’s look and open mouth. Maybe now she can understand too why he upset me so much. It should be illegal to be so devilishly handsome With two fingers I push upwards Robbie’s chin to make her close her mouth and I say amused: <<Close your mouth, you are indecent!>> there’s only one thing she can do: remain silent. But she takes revenge with a little kick under the table.
<<Hi Matthias, how are you?>> I ask him staring into his eyes without being mesmerised by his overwhelming magnetism.
<<Fine, thanks. And you?>>
<<I’m fine too! This is my best friend Roberta>> I say to him pointing at her.
<<Nice to meet you Roberta>>
Despite the initial block, Robbie becomes friendly with Matthias. She shows off her cheeky beggar and bombards him with questions. How is it possible that he doesn’t affect my timid friend as he does to me? Last night I was petrified and could hardly speak. We exchanged roles: she has become extroverted and I have become excessively shy. In the dining room there’s the background chatter typical of more open conversations. Suddenly Vanessa tells me shouting from a table not very close to ours: <<Isabel, remind me what is the date of your next competition!>>
<<Do you have to take part in a competition?>> Matthias asks me leaking the desire to be invited too
<<Yes! do you want to come along with these lunatics? At least you could control them to avoid making a fool out of me!>>
<<Sure!>> he answers staring at me in way of making me feel uncomfortable. I look down to hide the blushing and above all to prevent Robbie from noticing it.
The evening passes pleasantly. We decide to stay at home and, as usual, we lose track of time if it wasn’t for the first symptoms of tiredness that stand out. Given the time, Roberta decides to go home.
<<I’m going, accompany me to the door>> she says, dragging me with her. She thanks me for the invitation to dinner and above all to make her become acquainted with Matthias.
While we are heading for her car she looks at me and says: <<I could not help but see how much tight-knit you and Matthias are: I’m worried about this! I’m your friend as well as Max’s friend. I would be really sorry to see your relationship destroyed. You know that I love you Isabel, be careful. If Max sees what I saw tonight, arguments could arise.>>
<<You are exaggerating, I act with him just as I do with the others...>>
<<Are you really sure? Was I the only one to notice how he watches you?>>
<<Why? How does he watch me?>>
<<With sex drive!>>
<<Robbie!>> I growl at her.
<<Trust me, Isabel! Matthias likes you, it is clear. Also when he was taking his leave he watched you deeply.>>
I burst into a nervous laughter and say: <<Robbie, it’s the effect of alcohol! Tonight we overdid the wine at dinner. In my opinion it’s not as you say!>>
<<Whatever. I really hope that this is so. However, I can guarantee that he doesn’t take away his eyes off you!>>
I try to get rid of her to not continue this useless conversation.
<<Good night, Robbie! See you tomorrow! And just take it easy! Okay?>>
<<Yes... Good night, Isabel!>>
We kisses on the cheeks. I see her moving away with her car and then I return home.
I try not to think about what she told me. I don’t want to dwell upon what my friend believes she has seen and upon her “brain movies”. It’s true that he embarrasses me much and I can not help but look at him, but it’s only because I’m attracted by his appearance. I not even know him. Why does Robbie always demoralize me in this way? Heigh-ho!
IV
The last two weeks have been devastating but the long-awaited day of the competition arrived. Oscar, my dancing partner and friend, and I waited for hours for our turn to arrive. We began with a paso doble and two pas seul. During the wait Oscar has had anxiety all the time. Finally they start with the ranking and we hear our names placed in first position. The strain and the intense sacrifices of these months have been useful!
<<Isabel, we did it!>> Oscar exclaims, then he takes me in his arms and makes me spin like a top.
The tears begin to run down unexpectedly, probably because of the tension accumulated during this last period. Besides discovering myself shy, I have become whiner too.
Still incredulous for first place: <<They have certainly appreciated our harmony. We have always been coordinated and precise in the movements. And we bring home this victory too, Oscar!>> I say to him happily.
In these circumstances all the tiredness gathered in days past vanishes. We are a competitive couple and the presence of our friends made us stronger. Their affection gave us a great energy. We had a great responsibility and we could not disappoint the school, our choreographers and all those who believe in us. This will be our last year together. I will miss Oscar a lot. He will go to Broadway, in America. We dance together since we were ten years old. I will never forget the time in which he became depressed because he had not the courage to face his homosexuality. He made many hearts palpitate. He is good-looking and a disarming sweetheart; nobody could imagine he wasn’t hetero. In these years many girls wanted to have him as a partner and not only for dance. After he has overcome his fear and has been accepted by his family for who he is, he succeeded in finding love too. His boyfriend has his own interests and helped him much to come out of the abyss. We have faced many adventures within the school and in life. The thought that he’s going to leave makes me nostalgic. How am I without my Oscar?
I throw my arms around him and say: <<I’ll miss you terribly! Thanks for these wonderful years together, I love you!>>
Since I can no more hold the gathered stress, I burst into tears again, leaning my head against his chest. He holds me tightly: <<Hey, Isabel! You and I will never separate ourselves. You will come to visit me whenever you want and I’ll do the same with you. You will not get rid of me so easily. You are my best friend and dancing partner and I have an unlimited love for you! Come on! Stop being sad... We have to celebrate!>> he tells me, with one of his wonderful encouraging smiles.
We go to get the award and perform again our choreography. We change our clothes and catch up with the others to go for a drink together.
When we arrive at the club I introduce Matthias to Oscar and he, like me and all the women who watch Matthias, remains enchanted by this charming man.
<<Where were you hiding this guy, Isabel?>> he whispers in my ear.
<<I wasn’t hiding him, I know him for a while...>>
<<Is he hetero?>>
<<I would say so! Hey, aren’t you already engaged?>> I ask pretending to reproach him.
<<Yes, but to be engaged doesn’t mean that we should stop feasting our eyes. It is not that because one is on diet can not read the menu!>>
<<You’re right, don’t worry! He has done the same effect on me... But let’s not tell anyone about this>> I confide to him smiling.
<<Apparently your Max isn’t so sporty.>>
<<Absolutely not!>>
We look at each other and burst into laughter.
The days pass and I resumed the same routine. Thinking about it, it has already been over a month since Mathias arrived and a beautiful friendship is being born between us. Yeah, a friendship that is causing me a lot of problems with Max. We quarrel often because he does not like me to spend time with my new friend; his suffocating jealousy grows day by day. His stupid scenes are getting me tired and nervous. Soon I’m going to have a psychology exam and I’m studying hard. It’s difficult for me to focus upon it with one who bombards me with messages and calls to continuously supervise me. Let’s add to this, the exam of the dance school for the academic diploma. Sometimes I think that I have been foolhardy to have chosen both the department of psychology and the ballet school. I did it because I need both. In both cases I can be of some help to others. If I go on like this, I will be the one who needs a psychologist! I stay locked in my bedroom to study for days now. Sometimes I wonder how my father succeeds in not freaking out. He is a businessman, he follows the Financial Exchange and helps my mother with the boarding house. I must have gotten from him to involve myself with thousand tasks. Stop thinking, Isabel! It would be better that I exercise a little to release stress. I go down to the gym and start working on the new choreography for which I’m going to be examined, but each attempt ends badly: These new steps are driving me crazy! I’m going through a bad artistic period; I’m much tired and my relationship with Max is taking a turn for the worst: the one towards the decline! I decide to give it a rest with the workout and to go on the terrace to try to relax a little. I sit on the porch swing and my eyes begin to fill with tears. While I’m busy feeling sorry for myself I don’t notice Matthias’ presence and seeing him I wince.
He sits next to me and sweetly asks me: <<Why are you crying? What’s wrong?>>
I look at him astonished by his presence and his care and answer with a weak voice: <<In a few days I will have to pass an exam and I have an insane fear of not succeeding in it. This is my last year at the ballet school. I feel tired, stressed out, I try to be strong and indestructible and I want so much to fulfil my dream. I know that I could take a break from the university and concentrate on one thing at a time, but I don’t want to fall behind. I’m currently studying hard and there are days, like today, in which I drown in an inch of water. I have trouble doing some stupid steps. Today I’m Miss Doom and Gloom! I don’t know, maybe I’m just anxious for the time that is running away too fast...>> surely I can not tell him that I also have some problems with Max because of his presence.
Suddenly I realize that while he was listening to my whining he had taken my hand and was caressing it with tenderness to console me. His touch... I have not time to think about the effect that makes me his hand on mine that, all of a sudden, he takes my face in his hand and, looking intensely into my eyes, says: <<Do not get discouraged, focus on one thing at a time! Is the choreography important now? Then just concentrate on that and think about how much you worked to get here. Take the passion and the love you feel for this work and act. You are hard-nosed and you can do it. You must not give way to despair for some steps, we all have bad days.>>
I do not know whether to be more upset about the emotion I’m feeling with his hands on my face or about the hindrance to the choreography.
<<I feel so stupid.>> I think aloud.
<<Why? We’re all allowed to become demoralised, the important thing is not to lose heart and find the strength to fight!>>
<<You are right, stop being depressed! Now I will go down and I’ll try again and again the steps until they will be perfect, at the cost of spending all night like that. Thank you, Matthias.>> I say to him, blushing.
<<Good! I want to see you always so full of spirit.>> he concludes, giving me two kisses on the cheeks and freeing my face from his hands.
I needed him to find determination and will to fight and it is thanks to him that I find myself again in the gym more positively charged and motivated than before. Of course, problems with Max remain, but I can not talk about them with Matthias, probably he would not take it well. However, I can not stop thinking about his hand that caressed mine; at that time I felt butterflies in my stomach... I must stop thinking about it!
While I’m focused on what I’m doing, I jerk for the sudden squeak of the door. Roberta bursts into the gym paying no attention to my puzzlement: <<How does your workout proceed?>>
<<Good Lord, Isabel! You scared me! Good evening to you too... What are you doing here? Has something happened?>> I ask her doubtfully.
Usually she advises before coming to visit me. I perceive a negative sensation...
<<Isabel, I need to ask you a big favour...you see, I don’t know how to tell you it. I want you to help me...>> she says without looking at me, almost as if she feared my reaction.
