The Sayings of Mrs. Solomon

And that, all the days of my youth, I shall dwell in the enjoyment of life, repartee, and the pursuit of an husband! Amen.

CHAPTER FIVE

Incline thine ear, O, my Daughter! For this is the Song of the Bride, which containeth all the law and the “profits” of Matrimony.

I thank thee, O, my Beloved; for thou hast chosen me out of the multitude of women that were after thee.

Thou hast delivered me from spinsterhood and led me into the House of Bondage.

Thy brand is upon me!

I am thy Chattel.

Thy wishes shall be my wishes, thy tastes my tastes, and thy politics my politics.

I shall have no personal opinions before thine and no other thought before thee. Only my tooth brush shall remain of all mine individuality.

For lo, I have said in my heart, “Couldst thou love this man in a shop-made suit and a polka dot tie? Couldst thou love him though he lost his front hair? Couldst thou love him without a collar?”

And my heart hath answered:

“Yea, verily! For I am the apple of his eye, and he is the source of mine income. Therefore are we truly mated.”

Then, whatsoever thou doest, my beloved, it shall be right in my sight; and whatsoever thou wearest thou shalt seem beautiful in mine eyes.

Even in thy fishing clothes shall I adore thee; and if thou but concedest to change thy collar and carry one glove when we go forth in public thou shalt appear sufficiently dressy unto me.

I shall take great care of thy digestion, and thy devotion will take care of itself. I shall not practise my cooking upon thee.

I shall believe whatsoever thou tellest me, even when I know it to be false. I shall listen unto thy fairy tales with respect.

I shall delight in thine imagination and the works thereof.

I shall endeavor to like thee; for love passeth as the whirlwind, but friendship is a rock which endureth forever.

I shall not laugh at thee, for I am sane.

When thou hookest my frocks crooked I shall not murmur, but shall urge thee on with my cheers and praises. I shall not hear thy mutterings.

I shall remember thy pipe, thy razor, and thy morning newspaper, to keep them holy.

Thy Desk shall be sacred from mine hands. Thou shalt have one hook within the closet.

I shall be a mother unto thee; yet shall I permit thee to treat me as a babe, that thou mayest rest under thy favorite delusion. Whosoever speaketh against thee I shall rend her with my finger nails and my sarcasm.

I shall learn to be happy without thee in order that I may be happy with thee, when thou chancest to be at home.

Thou shalt go thy ways untroubled; for I shall not be thy jailer but thy jollier.

Verily, verily, I shall be all things unto thee; even a wife, an angel, a kitten, a cook, a chum, and a siren.

Yea, I shall be thine whole harem!

SELAH