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Neither actually.
I shrugged, not wanting to risk opening my mouth and telling her to fuck off. College was easy enough and I had no reason or desire to cheat, but Mum would only call me a liar. She’d refused to believe I could achieve something on merit so I’d finally given up trying to prove I had a brain in my head.
At least Mum thinking the worst of me meant that I wasn’t dragged to all of her swanky soirees like some prize poodle. I sullied her reputation simply by sharing the same living space as her. To be honest, I wouldn’t have put it past her to lock me away in a broom cupboard, Harry Potter style, so I made sure I stayed in my room whenever she entertained at home.
Besides, if she had me pegged as some kind of loser then she wouldn’t think of charging me rent any time soon. My wages weren’t great but everything I earned went straight into my savings account. Why spend my own money when I didn’t have to, right?
‘Actually, Alice, since you’re home I need you to look after Charles.’
‘Pardon?’ I’d been so busy trying to calculate how much I had saved up for my freedom fund, I’d missed her total change in tack. She’d even wiped away the sneer. I replayed her last words and scrambled to pick up the loose thread. ‘I mean, how long are you away for?’
‘Only until tomorrow,’ she said, waving her hand in the air and then examining her nails. ‘I’m sure even you can manage that.’
Don’t bite.
‘When tomorrow? I have…’ I almost blurted out the word ‘work’ but checked myself at the last second. ‘Plans.’
‘Then I suggest you change them,’ she said, dropping the pretence of asking nicely and hitting me full-on with her best glare.
Two could play at that game, and I’d learned direct from the master thanks to years of first-hand experience. ‘Why should I?’ I planted my feet and squared up to her, matching her glare for glare, but then gentle fingers stroked my cheek.
Charlie’s soft touch reminded me of his presence and here I was drawing battle lines with his mum, potentially forcing him to choose sides. I couldn’t lose him too so I dropped my gaze to the floor and handed Mum the victory. I could see her relief but then her eyes turned sharp again as her scheming mind got to work. Within seconds, her scowl transformed into something else I couldn’t quite read, but whatever it was made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.
‘You’d like to spend the day with Aunty Alice, wouldn’t you, Charles?’ she asked, adopting her ‘best friend’ tone even as she deceived him with the whole ‘Aunty’ bullshit.
Charlie nodded so hard his entire body bounced up and down in my arms and I had to adjust my grip or risk dropping him.
‘Daddy’s been invited to step in as guest of honour at the annual gala in London tonight,’ continued Mum in her sickly-sweet sing-song voice as she pretended to be talking to Charlie. ‘Daddy is very excited, and it will do wonders for his career too, so he couldn’t possibly turn down such a prestigious invitation, could he, Charles?’
Charlie obediently shook his head. Like the poor kid had a clue what ‘prestigious’ meant.
‘No, that’s right,’ Mum said. ‘It would be terribly rude of Daddy not to go, wouldn’t it Charles?
Charlie nodded on cue, clearly loving the attention and blissfully unaware that he was being used as a pawn in her passive-aggressive game. ‘Yes, Mummy.’
Mum rewarded him with a smile, and not the fake one she occasionally blessed me with either: this one made her look even younger than her thirty-five years so that we really did look more like sisters than mother and daughter, adding further credence to her lie. The regular Botox injections helped too, though they did nothing for me except help blank my emotions.
It was no wonder people genuinely believed her when she introduced me as her wayward younger sister and acted like she was some kind of saint. I’d once considered telling everyone the truth but it would have come down to her word against mine. Nobody would have believed me. I’d just be the nasty little girl trying to stir up trouble for her wonderful big sister out of spite or jealousy.
‘Fine,’ I huffed. It wouldn’t be too bad if I only had to swap my lunch shift with one of the other girls and still get in for the evening shift. ‘What time will you to be back?’
‘Oh I’ve no idea,’ she said smugly, throwing in a laugh too. ‘Perhaps you ought to clear your diary for the entire day.’
‘What? It’s not that simple. I can’t just—’
‘Are you going to let Charles down now, too?’
Too?
Wow, she was really working me over today. It wasn’t worth wasting my breath to argue with her when she was in this mood. She’d only throw every past misdemeanour at me, holding onto them tighter in a pathetic attempt to maintain some control over me. Like that had ever worked.
‘No, I said I’d do it.’ The irony was that I’d have agreed right away if she’d asked me nicely instead of manipulating me. I could think of far worse things than hanging out with Charlie for a couple of days, even though it meant calling in some major favours at work. Time spent with Charlie gave me a much-needed break from keeping up the mean girl act; a holiday of sorts where I wouldn’t have to keep my defences on red alert the whole time.
‘I should hope so too.’ Mum avoided meeting my eye and dipped her head to brush an imaginary speck of dust from her dress but her hairline lifted to betray her smirk. A thank you would have been nicer. ‘It’s the least you can do really, considering everything Derek has done for you?’
Ah yes. Derek, the almighty brother-in-law who was just as in the dark as Charlie about my heritage. I’d always wondered if he would have treated me differently or perhaps not let me get away with quite as much these past few years had he known he was my step-father? Alas, I’d never know. It was one of life’s unanswered conundrums that would most likely haunt me forever.
‘So what time are you leaving?’ I asked, trying not to sound too desperate to get away from her to regroup. Why did every conversation with her have to leave me feeling even more worthless than I’d started out?
‘Derek has sent a car for me.’ Mum flipped her wrist over to check her ridiculously expensive watch. ‘It should be here in ten minutes.’
‘Ten minutes?’ My arms tightened involuntarily around Charlie. If I got any more tense I was in danger of snapping my collar bone. ‘What would you have done with Charlie if I hadn’t come home in time?’
‘Oh I do wish you wouldn’t call him that, Alice. His name is Charles,’ she said, completely avoiding the question. ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and finish packing. Charles, you be a good boy for Aunty Alice, won’t you?’
Aunty Alice, my arse.
‘Yes, Mummy.’
‘Good boy. Of course you will.’ She leaned in to plant a kiss on the top of his head then wandered back the way she’d come without saying another word to me. No instructions, no goodbye, nothing. The woman was unbelievable.
‘It’s just you and me then, Charlie Bear?’ I said, adding false cheer to my slightly raised voice, but if Mum heard me using the pet name then she didn’t rise to the bait. ‘What shall we do first?’
‘A picnic,’ he yelled, reaching for my face until we were nose to nose. ‘Please, please, please!’
I managed a laugh. ‘OK, you’re on—’
‘Hooray!’
‘But do you remember me saying I needed to get changed?’
‘Yes.’ His bony little shoulders slumped, along with his bottom lip.
‘Why don’t you grab your colouring book and some crayons and bring them up to my room?’
That perked him up. ‘Your room?’
‘Yeah, sure.’
‘Can I—’ He stopped speaking and darted a glance to the door, then leaned in close to my ear, lowering his voice to a whisper. ‘Can I look at your pictures instead?’
‘OK, Charlie,’ I whispered back. ‘But it has to stay our secret.’
‘Yay.’ He grinned and threw his arms around my neck again, squeezing me so tight I could barely draw breath but I didn’t mind.
I wordlessly hugged him back and closed my eyes against the sudden burning sensation that threatened to make them water. A comfortable peace settled around us, broken only by the sound of a suitcase being wheeled over a stone floor.
Not wanting a repeat performance, I took off for the stairs with Charlie still clinging onto my neck. Shoulders burning, my arms ached with the weight of him but I was just as incapable of putting him down as he seemed to be incapable of letting go. His grip relaxed the moment we reached my bedroom, astute kid, so I tossed him onto my bed and tickled him until he begged me to stop.
The break in sound revealed the low purr of an engine outside. Charlie hopped off the bed then ran over to the French windows that led out to my balcony. He looked longingly through the glass so I opened the doors wide and welcomed the gust of wind whipping around me, strong enough to lift my matted tangle of hair off my neck.
Charlie dived straight out onto the balcony and hopped up and down, unable to see over the top of the wall. Whether it was excitement at seeing the car or wanting to see Mum off, I wasn’t sure. Car doors clicked shut below and spurred me into action. I followed him out and picked him up again so he could wave furiously at the black limo headed for the main gate until it was far out of sight, taking our mother with it.
Satisfied the car had gone, Charlie wriggled in my arms to get down again so I set him on his feet and watched him wander back into my room. Unexpectedly alone, I closed my eyes and breathed in the fresh air, letting it fill my lungs. My favourite place in the whole house, the balcony provided the perfect escape from the austere confines of my ‘family’ home and served as a lookout point.
The outdoor space also gave me somewhere handy to smoke. Yet another one of my grand plans of triggering mum’s maternal instincts to backfire on me, and now I could add my education to the list of sacrifices and failed attempts to draw out my errant mother.
‘Can I see your pictures now?’
‘Hmm?’ I dragged myself back to the present and forced my eyes open to look down at the little boy who had slipped his hand around mine. ‘Oh yeah, sure thing.’
‘Excellent!’ Charlie led me into my room and over to my dresser, then let go of my hand. He knew the drill all too well. His excitement grew with each stage, making it harder and harder for him to stand still.
I shot him a wink and climbed onto my tiptoes to retrieve the miniature key from the back of my mirror, then doubled back to my bed with my little shadow in tow. ‘Hop up onto the bed then.’ I didn’t need to tell him twice but it took him two goes to get up, needing a bit of a boost from me as I got down onto my hands and knees on the floor.
Charlie peered over the edge, grinning down at me as he watched me reach under the bed to drag my old school trunk out. His eyes grew wider still when I opened my hand and offered him the key.
‘Do you want to do the honours, Charlie Bear?’
‘Can I? Can I really?’ Already flat on his belly, he instantly spun around and thrust himself over the edge, feet first, to connect with the side of my head, eliciting my sharp gasp before I could stop it from escaping. Charlie slithered down to the floor and crouched down beside me. His bottom lip wobbled. ‘I’m sorry, Aunty Alice.’
‘Hey, it’s OK,’ I said, doing my best to ignore the pain lancing the side of my face. ‘It was an accident; I know you didn’t do it on purpose.’
‘Really?’
‘Sure!’ I pasted a smile on my face to reassure him, but I needed to get out of there before my eyes started leaking. It killed me not being able to reach up and rub my cheek better, but it would only upset him even more. ‘Here you go.’ I placed the key in his clammy little palm, then pushed up to standing. ‘You get started whilst I jump in the shower.’
The lock clicked open before I’d even made it to the bathroom door, swiftly followed by the tell-tale creak of the lid opening. I opened my mouth to remind him to be careful but quickly closed it again. For whatever reason unknown to me, Charlie loved my drawings and treated them like priceless artefacts but it was nice to be appreciated by somebody.
I pulled the bathroom door to behind me, leaving it ajar, then pressed my cool hand against my burning skin. With my chewing gum still in my bag on the bed, I had to raid the emergency nicotine supplies I kept hidden in a toiletry bag in my bathroom. A poor substitute for the real thing, but I could indulge in as many cigarettes as I wanted once Charlie was tucked up in bed.
For now the gum would have to do so I popped two of the white tablets into my mouths and chewed, wincing at the movement. I took out my contacts before jumping under the blistering shower. Five minutes later, I was scrubbed free of makeup—along with all traces of Hayden—and as ready as I’d ever be to brave the world again.
Charlie had stayed exactly where I’d left him, only he was now surrounded by sheets of sketch paper: drawings of hills, old cotton mills, and lots of pictures of him. He was so engrossed he didn’t notice me pottering around and getting dressed, so I squatted down beside him to see which drawing had held his attention for so long.
Big mistake.
‘I like this one best,’ he said, holding up the pencil sketch of me and Mum.
‘Thanks.’ I wedged my hands behind my knees, trapping them against my calves to stop me from snatching the picture out of his fingers.
‘It’s you and Mummy, isn’t it? When you were little?’
‘It sure is.’ I’d copied it from a photograph I’d found being used to prop up the wonky leg of our old table. Folded into a small square and badly damaged, it fell apart soon after I’d finished drawing my own copy.
‘Do you have any other sisters? Or brothers?’ he asked. ‘Or is it just Mummy?’
White lies like not knowing any Spanish were one thing but I couldn’t lie to him about the big stuff. Since it wasn’t my place to tell him the truth, it left me stuck in an awkward limbo. I must have made some kind of weird sound because Charlie turned his head to look at me.
‘Are you OK, Aunty Alice?’
‘Me? Yeah, of course I am!’
‘But you’re crying?’
I am?
‘No, no, I’m not crying.’ I freed a hand from my behind my knees and wiped my fingertips across my cheek. Sure enough, they came away wet. ‘Oh. I er… I got some shampoo in my eye when I was in the shower. It made my eyes sting, you know what that’s like.’
‘Does it hurt when you turn your blue eyes off?’ he asked, far too observant.
‘No, not at all.’
‘Is everything blue when you look through them?’
‘No. It’s just normal.’
‘I like you with green ones better.’
‘So do I,’ I admitted. Unfortunately, Charlie and I were in the minority. The fact he’d already picked up on the two different sides of me and made the connection with the eye colour left me wanting another shower. How much longer did I have before Charlie learned the truth of what I did?
‘Why don’t you keep the green ones switched on then?’
Good question.
Too good.
‘I um…’ While I might despise the girl with the blue eyes, she was strong and fearless. She got noticed, unlike the real me. The guys couldn’t get enough of her and no one dared to confront her—except for Virginia and her posse—so she was the perfect front to hide the shy, frightened green-eyed girl behind.
Charlie waited, staring up into my eyes. Would he understand that I only behaved that way to protect myself from any more hurt? Would he still love me and stick around or would he too disown me? Without him to keep me grounded, the green-eyed girl would surely be gone for ever.
A bead of sweat broke out on my forehead and trickled down over my bruised cheek before narrowly missing the chalk picture at my feet. Conversely, my mouth ran dry with the rocks in my throat creating an effective dam. ‘Didn’t you say something about wanting a picnic?’
‘Yeah!’ Charlie yelled, jumping to his feet. The now discarded pictures left him stranded in his own island.
‘Hold your horses,’ I croaked. ‘Just give me a second to clear these away and we’ll get going, OK?’ I purposely gathered up the drawings so that the one of me and Mum lay at the bottom where neither of us could see it any more.
Chapter three (#u9781faa0-6a70-56ec-8afd-d4a4e807019b)
Climb
By the time Charlie and I had put the pictures away and prepared the food, the sun glowed high in the sky. Indian summers were great but winter couldn’t be far off, which meant rain. Lots of it. My days of driving around with the top down were numbered, so I grabbed Charlie’s car seat out of Mum’s car and fitted it into the rear seat of mine. Despite being forced to travel in a bright-pink car, he loved my car almost as much as I did.
Mental cobwebs didn’t stand a chance as we drove to the park with the wind rushing through our hair. I probably resembled a windswept poodle, thanks to my still damp hair, but it wasn’t like I had plans to see anyone. This green-eyed girl was getting a rare outing, liberated by the knowledge everybody I knew was either at college or work. Even if they weren’t, it was unlikely that they’d be hanging around a park in the middle of the day.
Today, the only person I needed to impress was Charlie and he was grinning broadly whenever I checked on him in my mirror. He waved to every person and animal we passed, including a squirrel that dashed across the road and very nearly got squished. I’d never been so relieved to see a disease-ridden rodent make it across the road alive and well.
Charlie’s babbling lasted for the entire ten-minute journey and he was still buzzing when we pulled into the car park. The moment I released him from his harness, he dived out of the car and hopped from one foot to the other. Due to the roar of the wind, I hadn’t caught half of what he’d said on the way and now had a bad feeling that I’d agreed to something I shouldn’t have.
