скачать книгу бесплатно
Petra’s reaction didn’t show any concern at all. It was surreal, more like I was watching it on a television screen than seeing it in person. Their excited squeals grated on the last of my raw nerves but they stuck the knife in further with a round of high-fives before forming a huddle and embracing tightly. The two-faced bitches then broke apart to do some ridiculous jig that I wouldn’t be caught dead doing.
What the fuck?
I had my seatbelt off and my hand on the door release before I remembered I wasn’t supposed to be there. No, I was supposed to be tucked up in bed at home, fast asleep and completely oblivious to the absolute betrayal of my so-called friends. ‘To hell with them,’ I yelled, blinking back the tears that blurred my view. I smacked the heel of my hand against the steering wheel again and again, the jarring pain shooting up into my shoulder as the urge to do something stupid grew stronger. Before I could act on it, I gunned the engine and slammed the car into reverse.
I took one last look at college, then wheelspun away from my hiding place with a screech of tyres. So what if they saw me. Maybe it would wipe the smirks off their sanctimonious faces if they knew they’d just made it onto my hit-list. ‘I don’t need anyone, capiche?’ My strangled voice reverberated around the empty car, a stark reminder that it was just me, on my own.
Like always.
I paid no attention to where I was nor where I was headed. It didn’t matter. It’s not like I had anywhere to be. All I could do was drive. Seconds turned into minutes as I fought to block the thoughts which threatened to drown me. A police car came into view so I eased my foot off the accelerator; I didn’t need a ticket on top of everything else. Gradually, the tension eased in my hands and shoulders, eventually spreading to my chest.
Able to take more than short, shallow breaths again, I filled my lungs with air and focused purely on the mechanics of driving until the monotony of changing up and down the gears soothed me. Despite driving aimlessly for what had felt like an eternity, a brief glance out of the window told me exactly where I was and gave me an idea. Without bothering to check behind me, let alone use my indicator, I moved into the outside lane ready to make the rapidly approaching right turn.
My manoeuvre earned me a honk from the car I’d presumably just cut up. I shot the guy the finger and clung onto the spark it ignited—that fighting spirit—and channelled it. Less than two minutes later, I turned right again onto one of the streets branching off from the main road then followed it around a large bend, slowing down as the house I sought came into view.
Devoid of cars, the empty driveway didn’t mean anything, especially when the window above the garage still had the curtains drawn. The odds of Hayden being up and out of the house by ten o’clock were about as good as me joining a convent so I pulled up outside the modest semi-detached house. I’d once harboured dreams of living in a house just like it but then mum had got her hooks into her fancy man and propelled us straight into a grand, detached mansion.
Our current house was a far cry from the grotty terraced house I’d grown up in, complete with rising damp that always made my clothes smell musty. The area had been beautiful though, all rolling green hills. A part of me wished I could turn back time and go back to that dank house and get back to how it used to be with Mum. Or at least how I remembered it.
My deep sigh sounded deafening in the silence. With the burden of hindsight, I’d long ago realised none of it was true. Mum had never really been there for me, to the extent that I couldn’t even call her Mum any more; she insisted I use her first name and I had to pretend to be her little sister.
Keen to escape my darkening thoughts, I reached for the seatbelt clasp but found nothing there to release. In my haste to get away from college I must have forgotten to put it on. Something else that didn’t really matter. Mum—no, sorry, Michelle—would be more bothered about her car getting damaged than me if I’d crashed. Maybe I’d have more success at getting her attention as a ghost rather than her actual flesh and blood haunting and tormenting her.
Enough.
I leaned across the passenger seat and grabbed my handbag from the footwell where it had fallen. I’d been driving like a maniac with a death wish yet somehow nothing had spilled out. Grateful for small mercies, I dragged it up onto the seat and rooted around until my fingers brushed my travel make-up bag containing my emergency kit. Once I’d finished rubbing the foundation in with my fingertips, I applied the black liquid eyeliner, drawing a thick, heavy line across the top of my eyelid.
After years of practice, I had the whole look down to five minutes and I only needed to use the rear-view mirror twice. While the first coat of mascara dried, I reached up to release my hair from the vile ponytail and tossed the bobble onto the floor. My brush was still on my dresser at home so I had to make do with running my fingers through it to try and resuscitate the lifeless roots.
One final coat of mascara and a slick of lip gloss later, I was done; my transformation was complete. With my mask fixed in place and my game face on, a familiar thrill buzzed in my fingertips. I sucked in a deep breath, letting it out in short bursts to get my blood pumping.
Show time.
The sun blazed down on me, touching my bare skin and caressing my arms and legs as I set off down the path. It took two rings of the doorbell and several loud knocks before a distorted shape grew larger from behind the glass.
‘All right, all right. I’m coming,’ Hayden yelled, his voice heavy with sleep. Another late night most likely, either gigging with his band, Screwed, or from pulling a shift behind the bar to top up his funds. The door inched open and his face appeared, squinting against the bright light. His stormy expression softened the moment he saw me. ‘Where’s the emergency?’
‘Funny you should say that,’ I said, hitting him my best come-hither smile. I pushed the door open fully to reveal his half-naked body then casually skimmed my fingers over the front of his drawstring shorts as I drew my hand back.
Hayden’s lips parted in a gasp and he quirked his eyebrow at me. ‘Like that, is it?’
‘Like what?’ I said, feigning innocence. My actions betrayed my tone when I slipped my hand inside the waistband of his shorts and gripped him, hard, immediately rewarded by a sharp grunt.
In a blur of movement, Hayden reached for my shoulders and dragged me inside. He kicked the door closed, then slammed me forcefully back against the cool surface, knocking the air from my lungs. I whimpered, but definitely not with pain. The jolt had given me the final nudge I needed to fully immerse myself in the role I’d carved out for myself.
‘So, this emergency of yours,’ Hayden said, his voice now heavy with something other than sleep and in complete contrast to the feather-light touch of his finger drawing circles on my bare thigh and moving upwards. ‘Is it something I can help you with?’
‘Maybe,’ I said, still playing coy.
‘Is that so?’ The stubble on his cheek scraped across my skin as he trailed his lips across my jaw and down to the crook of my neck before breaking off to stare into my eyes. ‘How about this, then?’ His hand brushed against my knickers and I shivered involuntarily, ‘Does this help?’
‘Yes,’ I whispered. The word turned into a hiss the moment his fingers eased past the cotton barrier of my knickers. ‘Oh hell yes.’ I released my grip on him just long enough to grab the band of his shorts then wrench them down, exposing just how awake he was now.
Hayden lived up to the phrase ‘morning glory’ and then some. He followed my lead and dragged my knickers down over my hips then let them fall to my ankles, replacing the scant fabric with his fingers. When I reached for him again, he batted my hand away with his free one. ‘If you do that again, it’ll be all over,’ he said, all the while teasing me and keeping me pinned against the door. ‘Your choice.’
‘Fine.’ I pouted playfully and squeezed my thighs together to halt his movement. ‘Where do you want me?’
Hayden smiled a wicked grin and wiggled his fingers inside me one more time before withdrawing them. He stepped out of his shorts, half-kicking them across the floor, then he reached for my hand. Using him for balance, I reached down to manoeuvre my knickers over my feet without removing my heels, then let him lead me up the stairs to his bedroom.
As soon as we reached his room, Hayden released my hand to open the drawer on his bedside cabinet. ‘Get on the bed,’ he demanded.
‘Hey, I’m not one of your groupies, you know.’ My retort was nothing more than a token argument and Hayden’s glance confirmed he knew that, but something else lingered in his brief look—something I couldn’t read—but then he snapped his attention back to the drawer.
While I hitched up my skirt and lay back on his bed, Hayden pulled out a condom. He rolled it on, then climbed onto the bed to take up position between my legs. I wasn’t quite ready for his first thrust but the discomfort was a blessing in some ways; it gave me something external to focus on that I knew would soon pass rather than the emotional pain that lurked beneath the surface which I refused to face.
Sex was both a weapon and a cure, as well as my drug of choice and I was probably one of the worst junkies out there. I revelled in the thrill of the chase, the conquest, and the knowledge of being wanted. Bad-ass, super-sexy Hayden had wanted me so badly there hadn’t even been the time to get undressed.
Mission accomplished.
With Hayden otherwise distracted, I was free to search for the now familiar shapes in the textured ceiling. All I had to do was remember to moan every thirty seconds or so, to the point I was struggling not to laugh as I mentally ticked off the shapes one by one: the teddy bear; the dog; the table; the car…discovering something new with each visit.
The tell-tale twitch and the vein bulging in Hayden’s neck told me it was almost over so I wrapped my legs his waist and gripped. I wasn’t completely heartless and with all the effort he was putting in, the least I could do was fake an orgasm so I dug my nails into his back, threw back my head and let out a groan worthy of an Oscar. Hayden jerked and thrust hard for one final swansong, then came to a shuddering halt and collapsed on top of me.
Ha!
The routine worked every time and for once, Hayden hadn’t even tried to kiss me. The guy was learning. Christ, I hadn’t kissed a boy on the mouth since I was thirteen and even then it was more a clumsy crashing together of teeth. Yuck. The idea of kissing a guy was just too…too what? Romantic? Personal? Intimate?
All of the above?
Hayden’s breathing slowed and grew deeper. Each gust ruffled through my hair and tickled my cheek so I reached up carefully to push it behind my ear. One problem sorted, now to figure out how to disentangle myself from Hayden before he fell asleep completely and became a dead weight. I’d barely moved an inch when Hayden stirred. He shuffled off me to lay by my side then propped himself up on his elbow with his head resting on his palm to look at me.
‘Leaving already?’ There was a distinct note of pleading in his voice, more than hinting that he didn’t want me to go.
Not good.
‘Yeah,’ I said, trying to keep my tone light even as an icy chill swept through my veins and brought my skin out in goosebumps. I disguised my sigh as a deep breath and sat up. ‘You go back to sleep, I’ll see myself out.’ I swung my legs off the side of the bed and moved to stand up but Hayden caught hold of my hand.
‘Do you already have plans for today?’ he asked, not trying anywhere near hard enough to quash the wistful lilt this time. ‘I’ve got band practice this afternoon. We’re working on a new song.’
‘Oh,’ I said, scrambling for a way to let him down gently.
‘I wrote it.’ A smile played across his lips and his gaze lit up with a flash of pride, along with dash of vulnerability. ‘It’s about somebody I know,’ he said, trying to play it cool but he was a far better singer than an actor. ‘You should come along and listen.’
Uh-oh.
‘Um, no, sorry I can’t. I have plans, you see.’ The death knell on our arrangement was ringing out. ‘Speaking of which, I need to get going.’
‘Can you change them? Or blow whoever it is off?’ he asked, increasing the pressure on my hand. ‘It would mean a lot to me.’
Fuck.
How could I have been so blind? So stupid? I knew better than keeping the same guy on for so long but I thought Hayden knew the score—that it was just sex. Apparently not, which meant only one thing: it’s over.
‘I don’t think so, Hayden.’ I tried to shake off his hand but he only tightened his grip.
‘So is that all I am to you?’ The pressure on my hand bordered on painful. ‘A fuck-buddy?’
‘Yes, Hayden, that’s exactly what you are.’ I swivelled round to glare at him but I couldn’t hold it, not when I saw the pain shimmering in his eyes.
‘Fine.’ Anger replaced the pain in his voice and he released my hand as if he’d been burned. ‘You got what you came for, now get out.’
Free to move, I yanked my hand away and pushed up to standing. Keeping my back to him, I jutted out my jaw and crossed the short distance to the door with my head up and my shoulders back yet when I tried to walk out, my feet rooted themselves to the floor. My curse of a conscience reared its ugly head once again, refusing to let me leave without saying something to Hayden.
My bravado was slipping anyway so I let it fall just enough to offer him a glimpse of the girl behind the bitch mask. The real me. After all these weeks of being at my beck and call, he deserved that much. ‘I’m sorry, Hayden.’ I meant it too. A part of me wished I could give him what he so clearly wanted but the rest of me was screaming and begging me to get the hell out of there.
When Hayden finally looked at me, his eyes widened. My planned goodbye dried up on my lips. He’d seen too much. No longer glued to the spot, I yanked off my heels and fled.
‘Alice. Wait!’ he called.
Bed springs creaked behind me, spurring me on and I sprinted down the stairs with my shoes in one hand and gripping the banister with the other. Hayden’s footsteps reached the top of the stairs but I’d already cleared the bottom three steps in a single leap. I snatched up my discarded knickers and stashed them in my bra, then grabbed my keys. Hayden was getting closer—too close—causing me to fumble with the lock to the front door but I got it open on the second attempt and burst out into the sunlight without looking back.
By the time Hayden appeared at the gaping front door, still stark-naked, I was locked in the car with the engine running. A look of resigned acceptance replaced the frown that creased his handsome face and my ragged breath hitched painfully in my chest. Wearing nothing but a sad smile, he raised his hand to offer me a single wave then turned his back on me and calmly closed the door.
One tear fell into my lap, closely followed by another. Not even I could take that many hits in such quick succession without some kind of meltdown but I didn’t let anybody see me cry. Ever. No way did I want Hayden to see me crying, especially when it wasn’t even over him; he was just one more episode in the shitty life of Alice Taylor.
I wiped my eyes and slipped the car into first gear. Black smudges smeared the back of my hand, evidence that my camouflage was ruined but I didn’t have the strength to keep up the act anyway. Left with nowhere else to go, I eased away from the kerb and pointed Mum’s car towards home figuring I could use the journey time to psyche myself up for the next battle.
Chapter two (#u9781faa0-6a70-56ec-8afd-d4a4e807019b)
Sister
Trepidation grew with every metre that passed, wondering what sort of reception I’d get from Mum today. I’d managed to slip out of the house without seeing anyone first thing so I didn’t know which of her moods would meet my arrival. Unable to concentrate, I barely made it halfway home before I had to pull over or risk killing someone. I might be a cold-hearted bitch but I wasn’t a murderous one.
My hands trembled as I reached into my bag to grab my cigarettes and lighter. The flame was halfway to my mouth when I remembered I wasn’t in my nifty little convertible. No way could I get away with lighting up in mum’s car, not even with the windows down, so I pushed the car door open and set off walking down the street. I wasn’t in the mood for another lecture about smoking, but not because smoking kills.
No, Mum was more concerned about the ageing effects, the smell of stale tobacco and the fire risk to her beautiful things. She couldn’t give a toss about me. A fact she’d proved time and time again. I upped my pace to burn off the nervous energy flooding my senses. It took two cigarettes before I’d calmed down enough to get back behind the steering wheel.
Down to my last cigarette, I seized the excuse to further delay my arrival. At the next set of shops, I stopped off to buy more supplies, including another pack of my trusty nicotine gum and a pack of baby wipes. I took my time removing my smudged eyeliner but, with the task done, I couldn’t put off going home any longer.
Grand iron gates slowly opened to admit me and I peered down the long, sweeping driveway. From where I sat, it looked idyllic; impossible to see the monster of a building hidden by the screen of trees getting ready to shed their leaves over the manicured lawns. The house’s sheer size and grandeur never failed to intimidate me. I didn’t belong there: I knew it; Mum knew it; and I swear the house knew it too.
Never could I ever imagine a day when I would think of the place as home but if I had my way it wouldn’t be for much longer. I floored the accelerator, then pulled up in front of the house with a handbrake turn. I had a reputation to maintain, after all. A cursory glance up at the house told me the only person to witness my rebellion also happened to be my favourite person in the entire world.
Great. The only person that I didn’t want to upset, but at least I was assured of a warm welcome. Charlie’s head disappeared from behind the bay window of the playroom so I took a moment to clear my mind of the chaos. Seconds later, the little boy came charging out of the front door. He launched himself at me the moment I’d set foot outside out of the car.
‘Aunty Alice!’ came his excited shriek.
‘Hey, Charlie Bear,’ I said, catching his little body mid-flight after his leap from the third step. His sheer joy and happiness was contagious and it brought on my first genuine smile of the day, ‘it’s good to see you too.’
‘Oh.’ His huge olive-green eyes, so full of innocence, stared up at me from beneath furred brows and his smile slipped, ‘you have your blue eyes switched on.’
‘Does that matter?’ I asked, swallowing down the rock forming at the back of my throat. When I wasn’t hiding mine behind garish lenses, our eyes were one of the few things I had in common with my half-brother, except I couldn’t remember a time when mine had ever looked so clear. Not even at Charlie’s age if the few photos I’d managed to salvage were anything to go by.
‘I was going to ask you to play with me,’ he mumbled.
‘Well, go on then.’
Charlie blinked and the frown disappeared. ‘Can you play with me?’
‘Sure, I’d love to,’ I said brightly, ‘but I need to get changed first so give me five, yeah?’
Charlie’s expression took on a mischievous look and then contorted into one of total concentration. ‘One. Two. Three. Four. Five…time’s up.’
‘You little monkey.’ I tried to sound stern even though my grin matched his impish one, giving us something else in common. ‘That was great counting, Charlie, have you been practising?’
His eyes shone with pride. ‘I can say it in Spanish too. Do you want to hear?’
‘Spanish? No way!’
‘Yes way.’
‘Wow, that’s amazing. Even I can’t do that yet.’ Compared to the usual lies I spouted every day, this one was nothing. ‘Go on then, prove it, otherwise I won’t believe you.’
‘Uno. Dos. Tres.’ He hesitated with the next one and his eyebrows knitted together. I was on the verge of giving myself away and helping him out when the little tufts arched high on his forehead. ‘Cuatro. Cinco,’ he blurted, finishing with a flourish and beaming up at me.
‘Nice one,’ I said, ruffling his mop of white-blond hair. His was completely natural unlike mine which was best friends with peroxide. I lowered Charlie to the ground but he clung to my neck and latched his legs around me, refusing to put his feet down so I ended up hitching him higher. ‘So can you teach me, too?’ I asked, carrying him up the steps and into the house.
Charlie opened his mouth to answer but snapped it closed again, both of us falling silent as the sound of heels clicked across the parquet floor and drew closer.
‘Charles? Charles!’ called an agitated female voice, the volume bordering on a shout. Charlie flinched and stiffened in my arms. ‘Where have you got to now? You know I don’t have time for this.’
‘We’re here,’ I called out, wanting to end his torment more than I wanted to avoid our mother.
‘Alice?’ came her reply. It was amazing how she could say my name with such contempt.
I darted a glance towards the stairs. Maybe I should have put Charlie down and made a run for it, I’d had the chance. The sinking feeling in my stomach only grew worse and threatened to gouge an escape tunnel into the floor, but it was too late now. A beautiful woman appeared from around the staircase, dressed head to toe in pale gold, complete with matching shoes.
‘What are you doing here, Alice?’ Mum came to a stop inside the open doorway. The colour of her gown brought out the highlights in her flawless hair, straightened and styled to perfection in a chic pleat, with not a single strand daring to break rank. She undid all of her expensive beautifying when she sneered at me. ‘Shouldn’t you be at college or have you been kicked out of this one now, too?’
Golly gee, thanks for the vote of confidence.
‘No, I left at the end of last term? Remember?’ Nope, not even a flicker of comprehension dawned in her piercing eyes. Silly me. Of course she didn’t remember, since that would require paying attention to anything I had to say.
‘Oh.’ Her shoulders drooped as she let out an exasperated sigh. ‘What did you do this time?’
‘I wasn’t expelled, Mu—Michelle.’
She sucked in a sharp intake of breath and narrowed her eyes to slits at my near blunder in front of Charlie. ‘Really. So what happened? Was the work too hard for you or did you realise you couldn’t cheat your way to more qualifications?’
