Holiday Jokes

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Two friends were bound for a holiday in the Mediterranean. One of them looked out of the cabin window of the aeroplane and exclaimed, ‘Good Lord! Look at all those people down there! They look just like ants!’

His friend peered over his shoulder and said, ‘They are ants. We haven’t taken off yet.’

A motorist on holiday in the West Country stopped his car and asked a local farmer, ‘Could you tell me how far it is to Exeter?’

‘Well,’ said the farmer, scratching his head, ‘it’s about 24,997 miles in the direction you’re going, and about three if you turn round and go the other way.’

In a holiday hotel on the South Coast, a large notice proclaimed: ‘Please do not insult our waiters by tipping.’ Close by was a small box, placed there by the waiters themselves. It was marked: ‘Insults’.

A woman on a holiday trip to the New Forest stood in awe in front of an enormous tree. ‘Oh, marvellous and ancient oak!’ she enthused. ‘If you could only speak, what would you say?’

‘Well,’ said the tour guide, ‘it would probably say, ‘Pardon me, madam, but I’m an elm.’

If you are going on holiday abroad and are thinking of learning one or two useful phrases in the local language, there is one you should be sure to memorize: ‘You forgot my change!’

A young man on vacation in France was travelling by train from Paris to Lyon. The train made an unscheduled stop and, thinking that they had arrived at the station, he gathered up his luggage, threw open the door and jumped out. As he disappeared down the embankment in a flurry of arms and legs, the guard, who was watching from his window, muttered, ‘C’est magnifique, mais ce n’est pas la gare!’

Sign in a French holiday hotel: ‘Guests which may entertain any desires during the night are advised to ring for the chambermaid.’

‘Where did you stay in Boulogne?’

‘At the Hotel George V.’

‘But the Hotel George V is in Paris!’

‘Is it? No wonder it was such a long walk to the beach!’

‘And what do you think of our Switzerland, monsieur? A beautiful country, is it not?’

‘Oh, I don’t know. Take away your mountains and your valleys and your lakes, and what have you got?’

A motorist on holiday in London parked his car in a prohibited zone. A policeman strolled over and said, ‘You can’t park here, you know.’

‘Why not?’ said the motorist. That sign says “Fine For Parking”.’

A tourist visiting Mexico noticed one of the natives dozing in the shade of a large tree. As it was the middle of a weekday morning, he said, ‘Don’t you have a job?’

‘No,’ said the Mexican.

‘Well, why don’t you get yourself one instead of lazing about all day?’

‘What for?’

‘So that you can earn some money,” said the tourist.

‘Why should I want to do that?’ asked the local.

‘So you could improve your standard of living. Then you could start saving.’

‘What for?’

‘Well, when you’d saved enough, you could retire and then you’d be able to take it easy and relax.’

‘That’s just what I’m doing now,’ said the Mexican, and promptly went back to sleep.

He: ‘Did you manage to pick up any Italian when you were in Venice?’

She: ‘Yes, I did.’

He: ‘Let’s hear some then.’

She: ‘He spoke English.’

A holidaymaker motoring to Wales arrived at the Severn Bridge in his very ancient and dilapidated old boneshaker. The attendant stuck his head out of the toll-booth, glanced at the vehicle and said, ‘£5 for the car, sir.’

‘Sold!’ said the motorist.

A fisherman on holiday in Ireland hired a local boatman to take him down the Liffey. ‘You’re sure you know this river?’ he asked anxiously as the boat moved rapidly along with the swift-flowing current.

‘Sure, I know this river like the back of me hand, sir!’ said the boatman. ‘I know every bend and current. And I know every rock in it, large and small!’

At that moment, the boat struck a submerged rock and shuddered violently. ‘You see, sir!’ cried the boatman. ‘There’s one of them now!’

Holiday visitor to Norfolk: ‘When I stayed here last year, there were two windmills. What happened to the other one?’

Local farmer: ‘There was only enough wind for one so we took it down.’

One of the attractions of the holiday resort was a ride in an aeroplane, a decrepit and none-too-safe pre-war biplane. A dear old lady who had never flown before decided to give it a go. She paid her £25 for the fifteen-minute flight and the pilot thought he would give her a treat. He put the plane through its whole repertoire, diving, spinning, turning, twisting and looping the loop. When they finally landed, the old lady, pale as a sheet, gasped, ‘Thank you for both of those rides, young man!’

‘Both?’ said the pilot. ‘There was only one.’

‘I make it two,’ said the old lady. ‘My first and my last.’

When vacation time came round, George decided to be really adventurous and visit America. His itinerary included a visit to an Indian reservation in Colorado. As he wandered around, he noticed an Indian riding a pony with his squaw trudging behind him carrying an enormous bundle. Indignantly, he said, ‘Look here, why doesn’t the squaw ride?’

With a look of surprise, the Indian said, ‘She got no pony!’

On a cruise to the West Indies, the husband was seasick every day. On the sixth day out his wife asked solicitously, ‘Are you going to try a little dinner tonight, dear?’

‘No thanks,’ he replied. ‘Just chuck it straight over the side and save me the trouble.’

‘How did you enjoy your holiday on the Continent?’ a little girl was asked.

‘It was very nice,’ she replied, ‘but I did get tired of being interested in everything.’

Two holidaymakers fell into conversation on the train to Worthing. ‘Have you been here before?’ asked one.

‘Oh, yes,’ replied the other. ‘I come here every year.’

‘What hotel would you recommend?’

‘Try the Imperial.’

‘Have you always stayed there?’

‘No, never – but I’ve stayed at all the others.’

Don’t go to Brighton for your holidays. Last year a little boy went down to the beach and he built a sandcastle. Ten minutes later, an attendant walked up and handed him a rates demand.

Two Scottish businessmen on a skiing holiday in Switzerland went out alone one morning, and due to their inexperience shot over the edge of a 100-foot drop. Luckily they landed in thick snow and their injuries were slight, but they were unable to move, and there was nothing for it but to wait until help arrived. They lay there for several hours and then heard the rescue party approaching. A voice shouted, ‘Hello! We’re from the Red Cross!’

Hurriedly, one of the Scotsmen shouted back, ‘We already gave at the office!’

A holiday visitor to London went into the Royal Academy of Arts Summer Exhibition. One of the attendants was standing beside a large, elaborate gilt frame. The visitor looked at it in disgust and sneered, ‘I suppose this is a typical example of so-called modern art!’

‘No, sir,’ said the attendant. ‘Actually, it’s a mirror.’

In the dining room of a large seaside hotel a waiter spilled a plate of soup over the jacket of a visiting holidaymaker. The waiter seemed quite unconcerned, but the manager rushed up and said, ‘A thousand apologies, sir! Let me take your jacket – I’ll have it sponged and cleaned immediately.’ The guest, somewhat placated, removed his jacket, and the manager hurried off with it.

The waiter, who had been watching the proceedings with a scowl on his face, tapped the holidaymaker on the shoulder and said, ‘Oy! You’re not allowed in the dining room without a jacket!’

An American was motoring through Ireland when he came to a level-crossing, one gate of which was open and the other closed. ‘Hey!’ he called up to the man in the signal-box, ‘why is the crossing only half open?’

‘Well, sir,’ the signalman shouted back, ‘we’re half expectin’ a train!’

A man on holiday in Spain sent a postcard to his psychiatrist. It read: ‘Having a wonderful time. Why?’

The scene: a holiday charter plane bound for the Mediterranean.

Nervous passenger: ‘Stewardess, why is this plane jumping and twisting all over the place?’

Stewardess: ‘Nothing to worry about, sir. The pilot just took his medicine and he forgot to shake the bottle.’

A holidaymaker was dining in a country inn when he noticed a sign on the wall which read: Ici on parle Français.’ He said to the manager, ‘It’s unusual to find an inn in the middle of Cumbria where the staff all speak French.’

‘What gave you that idea?’ asked the manager.

‘Your sign,’ said the holidaymaker. ‘The one that says “French spoken here”.’

‘Is that what it says?’ exclaimed the manager in surprise. ‘I bought it from a young chap who said it meant ‘God Bless This House’.

A Scotsman returned home from a holiday in London. That night in the pub he complained bitterly to his friends that his hotel room had cost him £15 a night. ‘I’ll bet it was worth it, though,’ said one of his pals. ‘I expect you had a wonderful time sightseeing.’

‘I did not!’ said the Scotsman. ‘I wasn’t going to pay that much for a room and not get the proper use of it!’

A young lady on vacation in the country took a walk in the woods one afternoon and came across a large reservoir. It was a lovely sunny day and the water looked so inviting that she stripped off all her clothes and plunged in. At that moment, a policeman appeared on the bank and shouted, ‘I’ve been watching you, miss – there’s a law against swimming in this reservoir!’

‘Well, why on earth didn’t you tell me before I undressed!’ shouted the girl indignantly.

‘Oh, there’s no law against undressing,’ said the policeman.

A holiday has been defined as the two weeks when a man stops doing what his boss tells him and starts doing what his wife tells him.

A man went to Italy on holiday and died of wine, women and song. He was serenading a married lady under her balcony and her husband came out and hit him over the head with a bottle of Valpolicella.

An elderly couple arrived in a holiday resort for a week’s holiday without having made any hotel reservations. They called in at the resort’s top hotel and asked for a room. ‘I’m sorry,’ said the receptionist, ‘but it’s the height of the season. We’re almost completely booked up – the only thing I could offer you is the Bridal Suite.’

‘The Bridal Suite!’ exclaimed the old gentleman. ‘But we’ve been married for forty-five years!’

‘So what?’ said the receptionist. ‘If I offered you the ballroom, would you have to dance?’

Tour guides in Europe are certainly keen on tips. They are the only people who can clear their throats in seventeen different languages.

A man was taking his very first holiday cruise and was spending most of the time draped over the ship’s rails – probably the first man to cross the Atlantic by rail.

A sympathetic steward who happened to be passing said, ‘Cheer up, sir – nobody ever died of seasickness!’

‘For God’s sake don’t say that!’ groaned the man. ‘It’s only the hope of dying that’s keeping me alive!’

A Texas millionaire took his wife on vacation to Miami Beach. The wife went down to the beach alone one morning and when her husband strolled down to join her about an hour later he noticed a large crowd at the water’s edge. ‘Say, what’s going on here?’ he asked.

‘They just pulled some woman out of the water,’ said a bystander.

Pushing his way through the crowd, the Texan saw that the woman was his wife. She was lying stretched out on the beach with a lifeguard crouched over her. ‘What are you doing to my wife?’ the Texan yelled.

‘I’m giving her artificial respiration,’ said the lifeguard.