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Holiday Jokes
Edward Phillips
Now available as an ebook.A collection of jokes with a holiday theme from Edward Phillips:Office manager: ‘Will you ever forget that marvellous weekend we spent in Paris?’Secretary: ‘How much are you offering?’‘We are now passing one of the biggest breweries in Ireland,’ announced the guide on a coach trip.‘Why?’ protested a voice from the back
Copyright (#ulink_f0570785-9e55-57ae-bb1e-131ad1efc982)
HarperCollinsPublishers
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
Published by Fontana 1993
First published in Great Britain by
Angus & Robertson (UK) 1989
First published in Australia by
Angus & Robertson Publishers 1989
Text copyright © Edward Phillips 1989
Illustrations copyright © Tony Blundell 1989
Edward Phillips asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
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HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication.
Source ISBN: 9780006379423
Ebook Edition © APRIL 2016 ISBN: 9780008191948
Version: 2016-07-19
Contents
Cover (#u4f1eee86-bfc8-5600-bf3a-d62811fd41d2)
Title Page (#u50202836-fe47-53e7-a520-617ce07682bb)
Copyright (#ulink_3f123d9f-5d68-50af-91be-449d0d24d2b9)
The World’s Best Holiday Jokes (#ulink_7d0f4d16-f5a2-5b95-915f-ddfdf9170ff1)
Other Books By (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
The World’s Best Holiday Jokes (#ulink_99d554dc-17fe-520c-84ad-4612c13f4e9a)
At a small seaside hotel, a young lady on holiday was sunning herself on the flat roof, clad only in a tiny bikini. Deciding that she might as well get an all-over tan, she glanced round to make sure that the roof was not overlooked and then removed her bikini. As she lay there on her stomach, the hotel manager suddenly appeared and said, ‘We don’t allow nude sunbathing up here, miss!’
Hastily grabbing a beach robe, the young lady said, ‘But surely no one can see me up here!’
‘That’s what you think,’ said the manager. ‘You’re lying on the skylight over the dining room!’
A couple of young holidaymakers were canoodling under the pier. ‘Darling, you’re one in a million,’ the young man murmured.
‘So are your chances,’ replied the young lady sharply.
Two men on holiday in Wales were driving home when their car broke down on a lonely country road. There was just one isolated farmhouse to be seen and they trudged across the fields and knocked on the door. It was opened by a very attractive woman in her thirties who told them that they would not be able to get their car repaired until the following morning. It turned out that her husband had recently died and she now lived all alone on the farm. She offered them dinner and a bed for the night. The two friends accepted gratefully.
A couple of months later, one of the two men received an official-looking letter. That night in the pub, he met his holiday companion and said, ‘Henry, do you remember the night our car broke down when we were coming back from Wales? And the farmhouse we stayed at? And that attractive widow?’
‘Yes, I do,’ said Henry, a little nervously.
‘Did you, by any chance, spend a little time that night in her bedroom?’
‘Well, yes,’ muttered Henry.
‘And did you, by any chance, give her my name and address?’
‘Yes, I did,’ admitted Henry. ‘But it was only a joke. I didn’t think you’d get upset about it.’
‘Oh, I’m not upset,’ said his friend. ‘It’s just that I received a letter from her solicitors this morning. It seems she died last week and left me the farmhouse and three thousand acres.’
An American on holiday in England visited the British Museum and was intrigued by a magnificent Egyptian mummy. ‘How old is this exhibit?’ he asked a guide.
‘Four thousand years and three months, sir,’ said the guide.
‘How can you be so exact about the age of a thing like that?’ demanded the American.
‘Well, sir,’ replied the guide, ‘the gentleman who donated it to the Museum said it was four thousand years old, and that was exactly three months ago.’
A lady went on a package tour of Europe which visited twenty-five countries in seven days. One day she found she’d missed four countries. She didn’t have a window seat.
A party of German holidaymakers was being taken on a coach tour through the English countryside. With Teutonic thoroughness, they checked their watches at each stop and complained bitterly if they were so much as one minute behind schedule. When the coach pulled up at one historic site, the guide announced, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is Runnymede. Under that historic oak tree over there, the famous Magna Carta was signed.’
‘Ven did zis take place?’ asked one of the Germans.
‘1215,’ replied the guide.
With a glance at his watch, the German exclaimed, ‘So! Ve haf missed it by seven minutes!’
A holidaymaker in Paris was dining in a restaurant when he noticed a fly in his soup. He summoned the waiter and, being proud of his knowledge of the French language, pointed to his plate and said, ‘Le mouche!’
The waiter glanced at the plate and replied, ‘Non, Monsieur – c’est la mouche.’
‘Good Lord!’ exclaimed the diner. ‘You French certainly have first-class eyesight!’
A husband and wife bound for a holiday in Majorca were waiting patiently in the airport lounge. Suddenly the husband said, ‘You know, darling, I wish we’d brought the piano with us.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ exclaimed his wife. ‘Why on earth should we have brought the piano?’
‘Because I’ve left our tickets on top of it,’ replied the husband.
The charter flight to Tangier had just taken off and the captain made his usual speech of welcome over the intercom. Then, forgetting that he had not switched off his microphone, and that all the passengers could still hear him, he turned to his co-pilot and said, ‘Take over for a bit, Bob – I’m so tired that all I’d like to do now is have a pint of beer and a quiet, relaxing session with that new blonde flight hostess!’
Back in the passenger cabin, the flight hostess blushed bright crimson and rushed down the aisle towards the cabin to warn the captain that his microphone was still switched on. One of the holidaymakers, a dear old lady, said sweetly, ‘There’s no need to rush, my dear – he won’t have finished his beer yet.’
A rather large and overbearing woman walked into a travel bureau with her meek-looking husband in tow. ‘We would like two bookings on a luxury cruise,’ she said loudly.
‘Certainly, madam,’ said the booking clerk. ‘Have you any particular requirements?’
‘Yes,’ muttered the husband. ‘Book us on separate ships.’
A furniture manufacturer from the North Country decided to take a short holiday in Paris. After a few days spent visiting furniture shops and exhibitions, he was sitting one lunchtime at a table outside a pavement café when a very attractive young lady sat down in the vacant chair opposite him. The man could hardly believe his luck, but it soon became apparent that the young lady spoke no English; and his French being non-existent, it seemed that nothing would come of the encounter.
Then suddenly the girl turned the menu over and drew a picture of a bottle of wine and two glasses on the back. The manufacturer got the idea at once and summoned a waiter.
When the wine arrived, the young lady drew a picture of a plate and a knife and fork on the menu, and the manufacturer promptly ordered dinner for two. After a truly splendid meal, the girl sketched a picture of a large double bed on the menu.
The manufacturer looked at her in amazement. ‘By ’eck!’ he exclaimed, ‘that’s amazing! How did you know I was in the furniture business?’
A family on holiday in the South of England paid a visit to Beachy Head. Mother and the kids sat on the cliff-top admiring the view. Father, carrying the haversack with all their picnic things, walked to the cliff edge and peered down at the sea raging hundreds of feet below. Little Johnny walked cautiously over to him and said, ‘Dad – Mum says will you keep further away from the edge or else give me the sandwiches.’
Two Scotsmen came down to London for a week’s holiday. On their first night, they walked into a very swanky restaurant in Mayfair. When the waiter came over to their table, one of them said, ‘We only have £5 to spend. What do you suggest?’
The waiter looked at them for a moment and then said, ‘Another restaurant.’
‘I shall always remember the day we first set eyes on the Grand Canyon. My husband’s face dropped a mile.’
‘You mean he wasn’t impressed?’
‘No. I mean he fell over the edge.’
Two young holidaymakers were sitting on the beach gazing out to sea. ‘You know, Bill,’ said the girl, ‘you remind me of the sea.’
‘Really?’ said the young man. ‘You mean I’m wild and romantic?’
‘No. I mean you make me sick.’
An Englishman was on holiday in Ireland. Feeling thirsty, he walked into a public house. There was no one there but a barmaid, polishing glasses. ‘I’m sorry, sir,’ she said, ‘but I can’t serve you. We don’t open for another hour. You’re welcome to sit in here and wait.’
‘Thank you very much,’ said the Englishman. He sat down in a corner and opened his newspaper.
A few minutes later, the barmaid came across to him and said, ‘Would you like a drink while you’re waiting, sir?’
A young man on a motoring holiday in the country was driving his car down a very narrow lane. There was a concealed bend ahead and, as he approached, another car with a large woman at the wheel shot round it on the wrong side of the road. The young man swerved on to the grass verge, and as the other car hurtled past the woman stuck her head out of the window and shouted, ‘Pig!’
Shocked, he yelled ‘Cow!’ at the top of his voice and drove on.
Rounding the bend, he ran smack into the biggest pig he had ever seen in his life.
Most people go on holiday to forget things. And when they arrive and open their cases, they find out just how much they’ve forgotten.
Frank decided to spend his holiday at the annual beer festival in Munich. On the first evening, he struck up an acquaintance with Ilsa, a charming young lady who very kindly invited him home with her to spend the night. The next morning, he was just about to leave when Ilsa said, ‘Herr Frank – haven’t you forgotten something?’
‘Pardon?’ said Frank.
‘You know,’ said Ilsa. ‘Isn’t there something you have to give me?’
‘Is there?’ said Frank, puzzled.
‘Mein Gott!’ screamed Ilsa. ‘My marks, my marks!’
‘Oh, sorry,’ said Frank. ‘Eight out of ten.’
An old Irishman had been on holiday in Lourdes. On his return home, he was stopped by the customs officer at the airport and asked to open his suitcase. The customs man pulled out a bottle and asked, ‘Now then, sir, what’s in this?’
‘Holy water,’ said the Irishman. ‘It’s just holy water from the shrine at Lourdes.’
The customs officer pulled out the cork and took a sniff. ‘This isn’t holy water!’ he exclaimed. ‘It’s brandy!’
‘Glory be to God!’ exclaimed the old Irishman. ‘It’s a miracle!’
Jim and Janet were spending their annual holiday motoring through the Lake District. At the top of a steep hill just outside a small village, their car broke down. Jim got out and crawled under the car to see if he could locate the trouble. After about ten minutes, Janet became impatient and crawled under the car to help him. The minutes ticked by and the two of them, in close proximity under the car, forgot all about the job in hand and turned their attention to amatory matters.
After about half an hour, locked in a passionate embrace, they were startled to hear an authoritative voice demanding what they were up to. They glanced up to see the village policeman and half the local inhabitants glaring at them.
‘Oh!’ said Jim. ‘We were – er – trying to fix the transmission.’
‘Well, while you’re down there, you’d better fix your brakes too,’ said the constable. ‘Your car rolled down the hill ten minutes ago.’
An unmarried middle-aged lady booked into a hotel in Brighton for a week’s holiday. Shortly after she had been shown up to her room, she rang down and demanded that the manager come up immediately. When he arrived, she said indignantly, ‘It’s disgraceful! I looked out of my window and there, in the room across the way, is a man taking a bath – completely naked!’
The manager looked out and said, ‘But, madam, that window is quite high – I can only see the top of the man’s head.’
‘Oh, yes?’ said the lady. ‘You just stand on this chair!’
Two passengers on a train bound for London struck up a conversation and discovered that they were both going on holiday. The journey was interminable, with frequent unscheduled stops and long waits at stations. Finally, many hours later, and very late, the train arrived at its destination. One of the two men breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Well!’ he said. ‘That’s the worst part of the journey over!’
‘Where are you bound for?’ asked his companion.
‘Hong Kong,’ he replied.
