Single Mama Drama

She pointed to the freezer. “Popsicle.”

“Popsicle? Honey, you need breakfast.”

“Popsicle,” she reiterated.

I didn’t bother protesting, and opened the freezer door. In Rayna’s mind, freezies and Popsicles were an essential food group.

“You want red?” I asked.

She bobbed her head up and down.

I lowered her to the floor so I could find a pair of scissors, and cut the top edge off of the freezie. When I handed it to her, she grinned widely and wandered into the living room.

I followed her, sat her on the sofa so she wouldn’t make a mess, then turned on the television for her. Moments later, I was back in the kitchen pouring coffee grinds into a filter.

As the coffee percolated, I went to the bathroom and took two Advil. My head was throbbing, and I knew I’d need them.

I was back in the kitchen, opening the cupboard to retrieve a mug, when I heard, “Where Daddy?”

Glancing down at Rayna, I lowered the mug onto the granite countertop.

“Oh, sweetheart.” I lowered myself to her level and drew her close. “Mommy has to tell you something.”

She extended the empty freezie container to me, which I took and placed on the counter. Then I picked Rayna up and carried her to the kitchen table.

“Daddy gone?” she asked.

Sitting on a chair, I cradled Rayna on my lap. I pressed my lips to the top of her head, inhaling her clean scent. She was so innocent, so fragile. And I had to destroy her world.

“Oh, baby.” I closed my eyes and sighed before continuing. “Daddy is…”

Dead.

No, not dead. I couldn’t say dead. She wouldn’t understand what that meant, anyway.

I wracked my brain for something appropriate to say. “Daddy is…gone away. He didn’t want to leave, but he had to. And now he’s in a place called heaven.” I paused. Rayna was listening intently. “The thing about heaven is that when you go there, you can’t come back. It’s a very beautiful place, with lots of pretty waterfalls and animals. So it’s a place where Daddy is very happy. It’s just that, since he’s there now, he won’t be coming back here. When people go to heaven, they stay there forever. Which means we won’t be seeing Daddy again.” I ran my hands over Rayna’s hair. “But we can’t be sad, because Daddy is happy there. It’s just that we’re going to miss him very much.”

I steeled myself, waiting for Rayna’s tears, but she did something I didn’t expect. She wriggled out of my arms, then looked up at me and said, “Circle cereal.”

“You’re hungry?”

She nodded.

“And you want circle cereal?”

“Circle cereal!” she agreed enthusiastically.

That was her way of describing Cheerios. I stood up. “All right, then. Let’s get you some cereal.”

She ran to the cupboard ahead of me. My daughter hardly ever walked. If she wasn’t running, she was skipping. If she wasn’t skipping, she was galloping.

My sweet baby, I thought as I watched her. She’d just lost the father she adored, and she didn’t understand.

I guess it was a blessing.

At precisely eight o’clock, the telephone rang. I plucked the receiver off the kitchen wall and put it to my ear. “Hello?”

“Vanessa Cain, this is Dean Musselman with CNN. I was wondering if I could schedule—”

“No comment,” I quipped, and hung up.

Dean’s call was only the first of many—six more from reporters, and three from acquaintances who’d heard the story and were calling to offer condolences. Soon, the constantly ringing phone had my head pounding. I took the receiver off the hook and went to the bathroom to down another Advil.

Then I got my cell phone from my bedroom, turned it on and dialed Carla’s number.

“Carla,” I said, relieved when she answered.

“Sweetie,” she said warmly. “How are you doing?”

“I’ve been better,” I replied. Then added, “Understatement of the century.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” I told her. “Please don’t apologize.” I finally understood why some people hated pity after they’d suffered a tragedy. It left you feeling even more helpless in the wake of their sadness.

“Will you be home today?” I asked.

“Yeah. Why? You want to do something? Maybe take the girls to the park?”

“Actually, I was hoping that you could watch Rayna, same as always.”

“Watch Rayna?” she repeated, sounding surprised.

“Yeah. I’m gonna head to the office.”

“You’re joking.”

“I’m not.”

“Your boss expects you to go to the office today?” Carla asked, and I’d never heard her sound more mortified. “You know what, that woman is a total—”

“It’s not her,” I interjected. “It’s me. I want to go to work.”

There was a pregnant pause, and I could easily picture Carla’s face—her mouth slightly ajar, her eyes narrowed in confusion.

“This was your idea?”

“I can’t stay here,” I said. “Stay here all day and think about what happened. Plus, have you looked outside your window? With the Jerry Springer media circus downstairs, how long before our building becomes a new South Beach attraction? And how long will it be before the reporters get brave and come knocking on my door? No, I’ll be far better off at work, away from all this.”

“If you’re sure,” Carla said, but she didn’t sound convinced that I was making the right decision.

I groaned softly. “I have no clue what’s right. I’ve never been in this situation before. I don’t know what the protocol is.”

“I’m just worried about you, that’s all.”

“I know. And you’re probably wondering how I can even consider going to the office. But if I stay home and see Eli everywhere, what good am I going to be to Rayna? Not to mention the endless phone calls from the reporters, which is only making all of this worse.”

“I’m not judging you,” Carla said. “Obviously, you have to do what you feel is best. And you know I’ll be here as I am every day, more than happy to babysit Rayna.”

“Thank you, Carla. You’re the best.”

“Anytime.”

Fifteen minutes later, I dropped Rayna off at Carla’s place on the second floor and returned to my apartment to get dressed. My head still throbbed, and when I walked into my bedroom, all I wanted to do was collapse onto the king-size bed and let sleep take me away from my problems. It was tempting, but I feared that if I lay down, I’d spend the day in a catatonic state of depression, and that would get me absolutely nowhere.

So I drank a second cup of coffee, dressed in a smart blazer and skirt, and headed out of my apartment.

I was halfway down the elevator when the realization struck me that I had to drive out of the parking lot, and that the media likely had every conceivable exit or entry point of the building covered. And by now, I was certain they knew what I looked like.

Sunglasses wouldn’t cut it.

I made my way back to up to my apartment, where I found a colorful scarf in my closet that I’d purchased at a boutique on Ocean Drive, but had never worn. One of those impulse buys that had made perfect sense at the time, but not the morning after.

Well, it would be put to good use today. The media might snap off shots of me and get video footage as I drove away, but at least they wouldn’t be able to see my face.

“Why does it matter?” I asked myself as I opened the door to my car minutes later. It wasn’t like I had anything to hide. These reporters weren’t hounding me because they secretly thought I’d murdered Eli. So what if they caught me looking grief-stricken, or less than perfect? Wasn’t that par for the course when a person suffered a devastating and public loss such as I had?

As I planted myself behind the wheel of my car and started the engine, it instantly dawned on me the reason I was so mortified at being seen on TV.

Shame.

Sure, Eli’s cheating wasn’t my fault, but people could be tremendously cruel. They could—and would—form judgments of me without even knowing a single thing about me. They’d say, for example, that I was a pathetically hopeless romantic who should have known better. Or worse, that I was a gold digger for being involved with a man who’d been a well-paid athlete.

I didn’t even want to imagine what Eli’s ex-wife would say about him if she decided to talk, considering I knew their split had been nasty. If she was still bitter, she’d likely paint an ugly picture of him that would only make me look more desperate for having been with him.

Was it really the public’s opinion I was worried about, or my own sister’s? Nikki had told me that I was blind where Eli was concerned—in fact, blind where most men were concerned—and that she knew my relationship with Eli would fail.

Now it had.

And the last thing I wanted to do was publicize my shame and humiliation to the entire world.

Yes, I sucked at being able to choose the right man. But it wasn’t like I was the only woman in the world with that problem.

Slowly, I started to drive out of the indoor parking lot. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until my chest began to hurt. I let the air out of my lungs in a rush, then gulped in more as my car rolled outside.

Every member of the media surrounding the garage entrance came alive. It didn’t take more than a second for all of them to rush the car. Clearly, they’d done their homework. Probably had gotten my records from the DMV so they knew what I was driving. They swarmed my car like ants, and my heart lurched with fear. Then adrenaline took over, and I pushed my foot down on the gas. The car surged ahead, and I screamed when a Fox News cameraman had to jump out of the way to avoid being hit.

“Oh my God, oh my God!” My car hit the asphalt of the street, and still people converged on me. My hands shook, but I tried to control the steering wheel as best I could. I didn’t let up on the gas, though, determined to get away as fast as possible.

I drove right through the stop sign, nearly colliding with a Mercedes. Screaming, I jammed both feet on the brake. The driver swerved to avoid me, tires squealing in protest as he did. The man hit his horn and gave me the finger out the window.

For a moment, I was so terrified I thought my heart would implode. And I was suddenly wondering if I was up for the drive into downtown Miami. A quick look in the rearview mirror told me I had no choice, when I saw all the video and still cameras pointed my way, reporters racing down the street after me as if I were a fleeing felon.

Absently, I turned right on the first street I came to, my thoughts on what was happening rather than where I was heading.

“Good Lord, what is going on?” I asked aloud. Fine, Eli had been murdered. Yes, he had been murdered in a very lurid and juicy fashion. But why the heck were these reporters so interested in me?

Wasn’t the story intriguing enough with Eli’s background as a sports star? What did I, the clueless and unfamous fiancée, really have to add to make it more interesting?

chapter seven

As I hurried toward my office building from the parking garage, I realized that my nightmare was only beginning.

Either the camera crews had hightailed it to my Miami office, or secondary crews had been there bright and early, hoping to cover all possible grounds to ensure that they’d get to me.

Damn, I should have stayed at home. Better yet, I should have headed to the airport with Rayna in the middle of the night and gotten on a plane to Timbuktu.

My only hope, of course, was that no one would recognize me. Which was a ludicrous thought if ever there was one. Still, I strode forward purposefully, trying my best to act unfazed. Of course, the colorful scarf on my head was not helping me look inconspicuous.

A man holding a microphone with CNN’s widely recognized logo was the first to rush toward me as I neared the doors to my office building.

“Vanessa Cain? I’m Dean Musselman from CNN.”

I sidestepped him and picked up my pace.

“Ms. Cain, the world wants to hear your story. Tell us how you felt when you heard the gruesome news.”

From everywhere, reporters stuck microphones in my face.

“I have nothing to say!” I yelled, then grabbed the heavy door and scurried inside the building.

My sigh of relief died in my throat when I saw the reporter from the Miami Herald standing in the lobby. Cynthia Martin had a book in her hand, as if she was simply hanging out reading, but the moment she saw me, she started in my direction.

I broke into a run, quickly flashing my pass to Edgar, the Hispanic security guard, who knew me well. Then I sprinted past him to the bank of elevators.

“Ms. Cain, why won’t you talk to me?” Cynthia Martin asked from behind the turnstile. “People want to hear your story. Especially now.”

There was a FedEx man standing at the bank of elevators, and at Cynthia’s comment, he looked at me quizzically. Thankfully, an elevator opened a moment later and I hurried inside.

The FedEx guy didn’t ask the obvious question, but I was certain he knew who I was. I hadn’t watched any of the late-night newscasts, but my picture had likely been broadcast alongside Eli’s. For all I knew, my face might be on the front page of the Miami Herald right now, with a caption I didn’t even want to imagine.

Which was the very reason I had avoided turning on my television last night. I didn’t want to hear what was being said about Eli, or even me. I needed to deal with my fiancé’s death in my own private way, not with the slant of public opinion.

When I stepped off the elevator onto my floor, my shoulders sagged with relief. “Holy crap,” I muttered, leaning against the wall to collect myself. “Is it really that slow of a news week?”

If I was lucky, some young starlet would check herself into rehab in the next few hours and save me from this madness.

About a minute later, my breathing had returned to normal, and I was ready to get to work. I walked through the doors to the agency and said hello to Alaina, who returned my greeting with wide-eyed shock.

“Vanessa?”

“Yes, it’s me,” I chirped. I pulled my scarf off my head so she would be one hundred percent sure.

“But—why are you here?”

“I work here,” I snapped. My tone was unnecessarily harsh, but I wasn’t upset with her. I was upset with the sudden drama plaguing my life. Eli hadn’t been hounded by the press when he was alive. What was with all the hoopla now?

The reception phone rang, preventing Alaina from asking me the next question on her tongue. She answered the phone with her standard greeting, and I took that moment to scoot past her to my office. I saw her hold up a finger in hopes of halting me, but I pretended not to notice.

Seconds later, I was stepping into my office when I suddenly stopped dead in my tracks.

A woman was sitting behind my desk.

“Good morning.” The greeting in a British accent threw me off. The woman had grayish-blond hair and appeared to be in her early fifties. She smiled warmly at me.

I took a quick glance around the room to make sure I was indeed in my office.

“Uh,” I began, walking forward cautiously, “who are you?”

“I’m Bonnie Bluegrass, dear.”

“Bonnie Bluegrass,” I repeated, the name sounding a little too…stagelike. Perhaps I was still at home in bed, dreaming about some British television show.

“Office manager,” she added, her tone far too chipper. “May I help you with something?”

At once, I understood what was going on. Someone—likely Debbie or her assistant—had called in a temp to replace me.

“Why did they do this?” I mumbled.

“Pardon me, dear?”

“Sorry—not you. I’m thinking out loud.” I moved farther into the room and placed my belongings on the floor beside my desk. “I think there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding.”

“Oh?”

I nodded, then took off my sunglasses. “Yeah. This is my office.”

She looked confused. And then recognition flashed in her eyes. “Ohhh. It’s you. You’re the one in the picture with this darling little girl.” She looked momentarily at the framed photo of me and Rayna when Rayna was just nine months old. “But I thought…Aren’t you off on bereavement leave?”

“I decided to come in,” I replied cheerfully.

Bonnie looked—as I’d heard in the occasional British film—gobsmacked.

“You’ll still get paid for your trouble, of course, but we won’t be needing you today.”

I placed my sunglasses on the edge of my desk, straightened my blazer, then waited for Bonnie to vacate my seat. When she didn’t, I asked, “Is there a problem?”

“It’s just that the temp agency told me I’d be here for two days. Possibly more.”

“Fine.” I smiled pleasantly. “Two days’ pay. I’ll take care of it.” As the office manager, I oversaw the company’s finances and would authorize the expense.

Slowly, Bonnie rose. “You’re sure? You don’t need the time off to…”

“To what?”

“Well, to grieve, dear,” she replied. Her expression softened, becoming motherly and, oddly, I found myself missing my own mother.

How much different would it be right now if I had my mom around to comfort and coddle me? To hold me against her chest as she’d done when I was a child, and gently stroke my hair? In my mother’s arms, I could cry freely, without shame, without fear of being judged. I would have someone to hold me up, keep me from falling apart. I had supportive friends, but their comfort would never equal that of my mother’s.

My parents had died when I wasn’t yet a teenager, and I’d missed their presence hugely. I’d gone on, as I’d had to do, but I’d never quite been the same. My mother’s only sister, Lola, had become a surrogate mother, for which I was grateful, but there was still a big void in my world. A person wants her parents around for the key moments in her life. Like when I graduated from high school. My aunt had been there, and she’d assured me that my parents would have been very proud that I’d graduated with honors. But by the time I gave birth to Rayna, my aunt, who’d been single until her forties, was living in Hawaii with her new husband. My sister had been at the hospital with me, of course, but I’d still wept uncontrollably when the doctor handed me my little baby, knowing my parents had missed that monumental moment in my life.

Then I’d consoled myself with the thought that they were in heaven, watching and beaming with pride at the sight of their first granddaughter.

I needed to believe that.

“Oh, look at you.” Bonnie tsked. “I can see the sadness in your eyes, dear. I do believe you could use a hug. Do you mind if I give you one?”

It was a strange offer, but one that I welcomed.

She opened her arms in invitation, and I walked into her embrace. She gave me a warm, earnest hug, and I closed my eyes, imagining that my mother was channeling her energy through this woman to me.

After a few moments, we pulled apart. I looked at Bonnie and said, “Thank you.”

“You’re sure you don’t want to go home?” she asked, genuine concern for me evident in her eyes. “I came to work. I’m more than happy to stay.”

“I’m better off here,” I told her. “Thank you so much for coming in, though. And for the hug. It helped. Whenever we need another temp, I’ll be sure to call and ask for you.”

Bonnie Bluegrass nodded, got her things together and quietly left my office.

If I ever needed a nanny, I’d track the woman down. I had a feeling that Bonnie would be fantastic in that role.

With her gone, I settled in behind my desk. I did a quick scan to see if anything was out of place. I should have known that Debbie would hire a temp in my absence, but I hated anyone but me being at my desk. I was proprietary that way.

But everything was in order. Not even a pen in the wrong spot. And something good had come of me running into Bonnie. She had unexpectedly helped boost my spirits.

I went to the office kitchen to pour myself a third cup of coffee. A few of the office staff passed me, and they all gazed at me in astonishment, as though I had been the one to die yesterday, and they were seeing a ghost.

Trisha gaped at me as I passed Debbie’s office, but mumbled a hello. Debbie’s office door was closed, which meant she either wasn’t in or was on an important call. With Eli getting himself killed, I hadn’t even asked her the details about signing Lori Hansen. Lori was a fitness guru turned motivational speaker who had the utmost credibility when it came to inspiring people to lose weight and be their personal best. She had once weighed close to three hundred pounds and now was a lean and muscular one hundred and thirty. People were paying big bucks to hear her words of wisdom.

When I returned to my office, I closed the door because I wanted privacy. Then I sat down at my desk and opened a file on the computer that I hadn’t touched the day before. It was a spreadsheet of last month’s out-of-pocket expenses for the agency’s four agents, which I would verify before cutting checks to reimburse everyone.

My phone rang, and I snatched up the receiver. “Vanessa C—”

“Hello, Ms. Cain. This is Riley Baltimore with the Sun-Sentinel. Can you tell me—”

Click. I hung up before he could finish his spiel, then set my phone to go directly to voice mail.

Oh, hell. Remembering something else I hadn’t gotten to the day before, I quickly opened another file, a schedule of the events and seminars the clients were either booked for or considering. The University of Houston wanted to book Manisha Talbot for a one-day conference on women in business. It was my job to make sure I confirmed all the details of the event.

I lifted my phone to call the contact at the university, but didn’t get to punch in the number because my door burst open.

It was Alaina.

“Alaina—”

“I had to come talk to you,” she said. She closed the door behind her. “I have been fielding calls from the media all morning. Girl, it’s like you’re some megastar.”

“You’re serious?”

“Oh yeah.”

“How many calls?”

“CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX News—all the major networks. Some station from Atlanta. Not to mention all the local papers. And a reporter from USA Today.”

I gaped at Alaina as I settled back in my leather chair. “This is insane.”

“Tell me about it. Have you seen the Miami Herald yet?”

“No.”

“You should. There’s a picture of you and Eli at some—”

“Fund-raiser we attended to benefit Jackson Memorial Hospital,” I finished for her. Damn that Cynthia Martin.

“I thought you didn’t see it.”

“I didn’t. And I don’t want to. But that was the one time Eli and I posed for a picture when we went out publicly as a couple. He was very private when it came to the press.”

The pause that followed was ripe with all that was left unsaid. I stared at Alaina, who was pressing her lips together as though making a valiant effort not to speak.

I didn’t want to know, but I also didn’t want to not know. I finally asked, “What is it that you’re dying to tell me?”

She approached my desk. “Now, I don’t know what this means, and you and I know that the media gets things wrong all the time—”

“Just tell me.”

“The paper said there’s been a new twist to the story. That you were Eli’s mistress because—”

“Mistress?”

Alaina nodded, her expression grave. “Some lawyer in Atlanta said that Eli’s wife is going to give a statement later today.”

“Ex-wife.” I laughed without mirth. “What is this bullshit? My God, what these papers won’t do to sell a few copies. Understatement of the century.”

Once again, Alaina pressed her lips together.

“What?” I asked, not sure I wanted to know.

“It’s just that…well, the paper didn’t say ex. What if Eli never got divorced?”

“Of course he was divorced,” I replied. “He was engaged to me, remember?” I wiggled my finger, flashing the engagement ring I hadn’t taken off. “Why the hell would he propose and buy a place with me if he was still married? You said yourself that the media gets information wrong all the time. I already went through this with my sister last night. And I did check that he was really divorced, okay? On the Internet. It happened back in 2002.”