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“I know what you’re saying. You’re actually trying to make me feel better.” Score one for Nikki.
A moment of silence passed. Then Nikki asked, “You had no clue he was stepping out on you?”
“You think I’d stay with him if I knew he was?” Nikki didn’t answer. “Honestly, that was the most shocking news I learned today, more so than finding out he was dead. Eli was always so romantic, so thoughtful, so great with Rayna…It’s so hard to believe that any of this has really happened.”
“It’s quite the salacious story. And that woman—she was quite the looker.”
Not what I needed to hear.
“The worst part,” I said, “is that we had a fight last night. It was a stupid fight, but he walked out on me. Maybe he met this woman at a bar and this was the first time he cheated. You know, because he was angry, and stupid. Obviously stupid. But I keep thinking, if I hadn’t gotten mad at him, maybe none of this would have happened, and he’d be here right now.”
Nikki was silent, and I could imagine her biting on her bottom lip to keep from speaking. No matter who I dated, she believed the guy was a no-good loser.
“It’s possible,” I told her. “Neither of us knows for sure.”
“Yeah, I guess,” she grudgingly agreed. “But however it happened, it doesn’t make this any easier. You’re living in a lavish penthouse. How are you gonna keep up the payments?”
“I was worried about that, too, but my boss pointed out that we must have had mortgage insurance when we bought the place. And if not that, then Eli must have had a will. I know you think I’m irresponsible when it comes to those kinds of things, and maybe I am, but wills and insurance aren’t things I pay attention to. Anyway,” I quickly said, “there’ll be a record of them somewhere. I’ll call the bank tomorrow and see if I can find some papers here regarding his lawyer.”
“That’s one less headache.”
“Yeah, thank God for insurance.”
“If you need to,” Nikki continued, “you can come over here for a while. Even if it’s just for a change of scenery.”
“Thank you,” I said, meaning it. The offer surprised me—and touched me. However, in my wildest dreams, I couldn’t imagine myself taking my sister up on that offer. I loved her, but I could handle her only in small doses. She had endless advice about my love life that I didn’t ask for and never appreciated. Not to mention her thoughts on how I could improve myself as a mother.
In my sister’s defense, she had become a surrogate mother to me after our parents had died in a boating accident when I was twelve. Seven years my senior, Nikki had naturally fallen into the role of caregiver, even though we’d moved from Detroit to Miami to live with our aunt Lola.
“Or even bring Rayna over for the weekend,” my sister continued. “You know I love having her.”
“That might be an idea,” I told her, but again had no intention of following through on that. Now more than ever, I wanted Rayna close to me. She was the one person who had the capacity to get me through the coming rough days.
“Oh, hello,” I heard Nikki say, and it took me a moment to figure out she wasn’t talking to me. “I didn’t realize you were going to be coming home this late.”
“Nikki?”
“Sorry. Morris just got home.”
“I’ll let you go then,” I told her, more than happy to get her off the line.
“Yeah, I’d better warm his dinner for him. He puts in such long hours, it’s the least I can do.”
There was a smugness in Nikki’s voice as she spoke—or was I just imagining it? Maybe I was, since I was supersensitive to the fact that I’d just lost my future husband and would never be making any meals for him again.
As I hung up, I thought about turning the television to CNN. I wanted to, but the idea of seeing pictures of Eli’s lover had me changing my mind. I couldn’t handle that. At least not yet. It was hard enough to deal with his death, much less his infidelity.
Still, I couldn’t help wondering if what I’d said to Nikki wasn’t true—that after our fight, Eli had ended up at a local South Beach hot spot, and then found his way into this woman’s bed.
It could have very easily been the first time he had cheated on me.
It would certainly be the last.
chapter six
I decided not to call the police after I spoke to my sister. Emotionally, I was drained, and needed a night’s rest before I dealt with that awful task. I was a little surprised that I hadn’t heard from them; it would be so much easier if they contacted me, as I didn’t have the first clue as to where to start.
I had enough to cope with heading to bed—the bed I had shared with Eli for three months in this apartment. The reality that he wouldn’t be joining me was too overwhelming to contemplate. It required me having a second glass of wine before I dared to get under the covers.
The stress of the day had clearly worn me out, because I fell asleep almost immediately. The sound of the ringing phone woke me up. Startled, I first glanced at the bedside clock and saw that it was 12:04. Then I rolled over toward the night table and checked out the illuminated call display.
PRIVATE NAME.
Falling back onto my pillows, I groaned loudly. Damn it! A friggin’ reporter! My God, did these people never give up?
After I’d hung up with my sister, there had been no calls at all, giving me the false confidence that the media had given up—or at least had gone home for the day.
No such luck, clearly.
A few minutes passed and sleep wouldn’t come to me, so I crawled out of bed and went to the window and peered outside. My building had only six floors, and even being on the top one, I had a good view of the street below. To my chagrin, I saw that there were still camera crews and vans parked out front. As if they expected me to leave the building and go out partying in the wake of my fiancé’s death.
“Morons,” I muttered.
I lay back down, trying once again to sleep, but failing. The bed was too big and Eli’s presence sorely missed. Damn those vultures for waking me up. Wasn’t there some movie star doing Ecstasy in a local club that they could go and harass?
The minutes ticked by. A quick look at the digital clock told me it was 12:48. Nearly one in the morning, and I was wide awake.
I needed to fall asleep again. Because, come morning, bright and early, Rayna would be up—and I needed to be rested to deal with her.
I forced myself out of bed and went to the kitchen. There, I opened another bottle of white zinfandel. I’d already had two glasses, but if I was ever going to fall asleep again, I needed another one.
Or two.
Or even three.
I opted for one. I might have wanted to drown my sorrows in alcohol, but I had a two-year-old in the next room who needed me sober and alert in the morning.
I curled up on the sofa, the first piece of furniture Eli and I had bought after putting the down payment on this place. The leather was amazingly soft and supple, the nicest I’d ever felt.
I could still smell Eli in the leather, could still remember how we’d enjoyed lying together on this sofa and watching a movie after Rayna went to bed.
It was irrational, but a huge part of me expected him to walk through the front door, a lazy smile on his face. I even kept glancing in that direction.
Waiting.
And waiting.
As I finished off the third glass of wine, it hit me anew that Eli would never walk through that door again.
I’d never share a bottle of wine over dinner with him.
Never watch him tickle Rayna as she climbed on his lap.
Never have a chance to find out what had sent him into another woman’s arms.
It was that last thought that was the hardest to deal with.
“It doesn’t matter why,” I told myself as I went back to the bedroom. “All that matters is that he did cheat on you. He doesn’t deserve your tears.”
But as I climbed back into the big empty bed, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I buried my face in the pillow and cried like a baby.
When the tears ended, anger took over. I gripped the pillow as if it were Eli’s neck and squeezed hard—like I wanted to break it with my bare hands.
My emotions spent and my breathing ragged, I finally sat on the edge of the bed and rested my toes on the cool floor. “Damn you, Eli. Damn you for destroying all our dreams.”
This time, when I lay back against the pillows, sleep claimed me quickly.
Something hard landed on my stomach with the force of a cannonball, immediately jarring me awake.
“Eli, what are you doing?” I asked, my eyes flying open. But instead of Eli, I saw Rayna.
And in that moment, I remembered.
Rayna’s smile was as bright as the morning sun as she beamed at me, pushing any sadness from my heart. “Hi, Mommy.”
Easily, I returned her smile. Oh, to have that childlike exuberance at simply greeting another day.
“Hi, baby.”
“Go Carwa?” Rayna asked.
I glanced at the digital clock on my bedside table. Seven-fourteen in the morning.
Normally, I’d be up and getting ready for work. But my head throbbed from fatigue and a hangover, and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and sleep for another couple hours.
I pulled Rayna close. “How about lying down with Mommy for a while?”
“It’s morning,” she replied, as if the idea of sleeping in was a crazy one. Then she wriggled free of my arms and eased her body off the bed.
So much for sleeping in.
Groaning, I forced myself to sit up. Coffee was the first order of business.
I trudged out to the kitchen. Rayna was dragging a chair from the table toward the fridge.
“No, no, no.” I hurried to her and lifted her into my arms. “Let me get what you need, okay?”
She pointed to the freezer. “Popsicle.”
“Popsicle? Honey, you need breakfast.”
“Popsicle,” she reiterated.
I didn’t bother protesting, and opened the freezer door. In Rayna’s mind, freezies and Popsicles were an essential food group.
“You want red?” I asked.
She bobbed her head up and down.
I lowered her to the floor so I could find a pair of scissors, and cut the top edge off of the freezie. When I handed it to her, she grinned widely and wandered into the living room.
I followed her, sat her on the sofa so she wouldn’t make a mess, then turned on the television for her. Moments later, I was back in the kitchen pouring coffee grinds into a filter.
As the coffee percolated, I went to the bathroom and took two Advil. My head was throbbing, and I knew I’d need them.
I was back in the kitchen, opening the cupboard to retrieve a mug, when I heard, “Where Daddy?”
Glancing down at Rayna, I lowered the mug onto the granite countertop.
“Oh, sweetheart.” I lowered myself to her level and drew her close. “Mommy has to tell you something.”
She extended the empty freezie container to me, which I took and placed on the counter. Then I picked Rayna up and carried her to the kitchen table.
“Daddy gone?” she asked.
Sitting on a chair, I cradled Rayna on my lap. I pressed my lips to the top of her head, inhaling her clean scent. She was so innocent, so fragile. And I had to destroy her world.
“Oh, baby.” I closed my eyes and sighed before continuing. “Daddy is…”
Dead.
No, not dead. I couldn’t say dead. She wouldn’t understand what that meant, anyway.
I wracked my brain for something appropriate to say. “Daddy is…gone away. He didn’t want to leave, but he had to. And now he’s in a place called heaven.” I paused. Rayna was listening intently. “The thing about heaven is that when you go there, you can’t come back. It’s a very beautiful place, with lots of pretty waterfalls and animals. So it’s a place where Daddy is very happy. It’s just that, since he’s there now, he won’t be coming back here. When people go to heaven, they stay there forever. Which means we won’t be seeing Daddy again.” I ran my hands over Rayna’s hair. “But we can’t be sad, because Daddy is happy there. It’s just that we’re going to miss him very much.”
I steeled myself, waiting for Rayna’s tears, but she did something I didn’t expect. She wriggled out of my arms, then looked up at me and said, “Circle cereal.”
“You’re hungry?”
She nodded.
“And you want circle cereal?”
“Circle cereal!” she agreed enthusiastically.
That was her way of describing Cheerios. I stood up. “All right, then. Let’s get you some cereal.”
She ran to the cupboard ahead of me. My daughter hardly ever walked. If she wasn’t running, she was skipping. If she wasn’t skipping, she was galloping.
