скачать книгу бесплатно
“I’m so sorry,” she said unexpectedly, biting her lip as she turned away.
The words, and the emotion behind them, surprised him. Surely she didn’t have any regrets this late. Or was she just putting on an act to get his sympathy? He couldn’t trust her.
She got herself back together and brushed at the loose hair at her neck as she poured the tea into two glasses filled with ice. “I’ll let you lend me the money, if you really don’t mind,” she said, handing him his glass without looking up. “I don’t like the idea of living alone.”
“Neither do I, Shelby, but it’s something you get used to after a while,” he said quietly. He sipped his tea, but he couldn’t pry his eyes away from her soft oval face. “What is it like, having to work for a living?”
She didn’t react to the mockery in the words. She smiled. “I like it,” she said surprisingly, and lifted her eyes to his. “I had things to do, you know, when we had money. I belonged to a lot of volunteer groups and charities. But law offices cater to unhappy people. When I can help them feel a little better, it makes me forget my own problems.”
His black brows drew together as he sipped the cool, sweet amber liquid. The glass was cold under his lean fingers.
She searched his black eyes. “You don’t believe me, do you, Justin?” she asked perceptively. “You saw me as a socialite, a reasonably attractive woman with money and a cultured background. But that was an illusion. You never really knew me.”
“I wanted you, though,” he replied, watching her. “But you never wanted me, honey. Not physically, at any rate.”
“You rushed me!” she burst out, coloring as she remembered that night.
“Rushed you! Up until that night, I hadn’t even kissed you intimately, for God’s sake!” His black eyes glittered at her as he remembered her rejection and his own sick certainty that she didn’t love him. “I’d kept you on a pedestal until then. And all the time, you were sleeping with that boy millionaire!”
She threw up her hands. “I never slept with Tom Wheelor!”
“You said you did,” he reminded her with a cold smile. “You swore it, in fact.”
She closed her eyes on a wave of bitter regret. “Yes, I said it,” she agreed wearily, and turned away. “I’d almost forgotten.”
“And all the postmortems accomplish nothing, do they?” he asked. He put down the glass and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it without removing his eyes from her stiff expression. “It doesn’t matter anymore. Let’s go. I’ll run over to Mrs. Simpson’s and you can see about the room.”
Shelby knew that he’d never give an inch. He hadn’t forgotten anything and he still despised her. She felt as if the world was sitting on her thin shoulders as she got her purse and followed him to the door. She didn’t look at him as they left.
Chapter Two (#ulink_ae1f6c55-bfbd-533b-bd6e-561cabcdfe51)
Justin tucked a wad of bills into Shelby’s purse when he stopped the Thunderbird on the side of the road near Mrs. Simpson’s house. She tried to protest, but he simply smoked his cigarette and ignored her.
“I told you earlier that the money was between you and me,” he said quietly, his dark eyes challenging as he cut the engine. He turned in the bucket seat, his long legs stretched out as he touched the power-window switch on the console panel. It was a rural road, and sparsely traveled. He had stopped under a spreading oak tree. He hooked his elbow on the open window to study Shelby narrowly. “I meant it. If you want to look on it as a loan, that’s up to you.”
She chewed on her lower lip. “I’ll be able to pay you back one day,” she said doggedly, even though she knew better. With what she made, it was going to be a struggle to eat and pay the rent. New clothes might become impossible.
“I’m not worried about it.”
“Yes, but I am.” She looked up, all her misgivings in her green eyes. “Oh, Justin, what am I going to do?” she moaned. “I’m alone for the first time in my life. Ty’s in Arizona, I have no family…” She got a grip on herself, averting her eyes. “It’s just panic,” she said tightly. “Just fear. I’ll get used to it. I’m sorry I said that.”
He didn’t speak. He’d never seen Shelby helpless. She’d always been poised and calm. It was new and faintly disturbing to see her frightened.
“If things get too rough,” he replied quietly, “you can move in with me.”
She laughed hollowly. “That would do our reputations a world of good.”
He blew out a cloud of smoke. “If gossip bothers you all that much, we can get married.” He said it carelessly, but his eyes were sharp on her face.
She knew she wasn’t breathing. She looked at him as the old wounds opened with a vengeance. “Why?” she asked.
He didn’t want to answer her. He didn’t want to admit, even to himself, that he was still vulnerable. He shrugged. “You need a place to stay. I’m tired of living alone. Since Abby and Calhoun moved out, the damned house is like a mausoleum.”
“You feel sorry for me,” she accused.
He took another draw from the cigarette. “Maybe I do. So what? Right now you don’t have many options. Either you borrow from me to afford Mrs. Simpson’s boarding house, or you marry me.” He studied the tip of the cigarette. “Of course, you can always go back to that converted storeroom over Barry Holman’s office and show him that you’re available—”
“You stop that,” she muttered. She shifted restlessly. “Mr. Holman isn’t that kind of man. And you have no reason to feel possessive about me.”
“Haven’t I?” His black eyes searched hers. “But I am, just the same. And I remember your saying the same thing about me. We were engaged once, Shelby. That kind of involvement doesn’t go away.”
“Some involvement,” she said with a tired sigh. “I never could decide why you wanted to marry me.”
“You were a feather in my cap,” he said coldly, lying through his teeth. “A rich sophisticate. I was just a country boy with stars in my eyes, and you took me for a hell of a ride, lady. Now it’s my turn. I’ve got money and you haven’t.” His dark eyes narrowed. “And don’t think I want to marry you out of some lingering passion.”
He hadn’t forgotten. It was in his eyes, his whole look. He’d marry her and make her hunger for a love he’d never felt, couldn’t feel for her. He held her in contempt because he thought she’d slept with Tom Wheelor, and that was the biggest joke of all. She was still a virgin, and wouldn’t it throw a stick into his spokes to find that out the hard way?
“No.” She sighed, belatedly answering his question. “I’m not stupid enough to think you still want me, after what I did to your pride.” She lifted her eyes to study the proud, arrogant set of his dark head, his eyes shadowed by the Stetson he always wore. “I used to think you cared for me a little, even though you never said you did.”
That was the truth. She’d never really been sure why he wanted to marry her. Except for that one night, he hadn’t been wild to try to get her into bed, and he’d never seemed emotionally involved, either. But she’d been so in love with him that she had not realized how relatively uninvolved he’d seemed until after their engagement had been broken.
He ignored her remarks. “If you want security, I can give it to you,” he said quietly. “I’ve got money now, although I’ll never be in the same class as your father was. He had millions.”
She closed her eyes on a wave of shame. She had her father and her own naïveté to thank for Justin’s bitterness. But Justin wanted revenge and she’d be a fool to deliver herself on a silver platter to him. “No, Justin. I can’t marry you,” she said after a minute. Her hand reached for the door handle. “It was a crazy idea!” She averted her face so that all he could see of it was her profile.
He put his hand over hers briefly, holding it, and then withdrew his fingers almost as quickly. His expression hardened. “It’s a big house,” he said. “With Calhoun and Abby living down the road, there’s only Lopez and Maria living with me. You wouldn’t need to work if you didn’t want to, and you’d have security.”
He was offering her heaven, except that it was impersonal on his part. More than anything else, he felt sorry for her. But under the pity was a darker need; she could feel it. Something in him wanted revenge for her rejection six years ago. His pride wanted restitution. Well, didn’t she owe him that, she wondered bitterly, after what her father had cost him? And she’d be near him. She’d have meals with him. She could sit with him in the evenings while he watched television. She could sleep under the same roof. Her hungry heart wanted that, so badly. Too badly.
“I don’t guess you’d…I don’t suppose you’d ever want a…” She couldn’t even say it. A child, she was thinking, although God only knew how she’d manage to deal with what had to happen to produce one.
“I won’t want a divorce,” he said, misunderstanding her thoughts. His eyes narrowed. “I’m not exactly Mr. America, in case you haven’t noticed. And I don’t want a woman I have to buy, unless it’s on my terms.”
That sounded suspiciously like a dig at her, because she’d refused him for what he thought was a lack of money. Her eyes lifted to his. “Do you still hate me, Justin?” she asked; she needed to know.
He stared at her without speaking for a long moment, quietly smoking his cigarette. “I’m not sure what I feel.”
That reply was honest enough, even if it wasn’t a declaration of undying love. There were so many wounds between them, so much bitterness. It was probably an insane thing to do, but she couldn’t resist the temptation.
She stared at his cigarette instead of at him. “I’ll marry you, then, if you mean it.”
He didn’t move, but something inside him went wild at the words. She couldn’t know how many nights he’d spent aching for just the sight of her, how desperately he wanted her near him. But he could never trust her again, and that was the hell of it. She was just a stray person, he told himself. Just someone who needed help. He had to think of her that way, and not want the moon. She might even play up to him out of gratitude, so he’d have to be on his guard every minute. But, oh, God, he wanted her so!
“Then we don’t need to see Mrs. Simpson until we’ve had time to make plans.” He started the car, pulled out onto the road and turned the Thunderbird toward the feedlot and his house. His hands had a perceptible tremor. He gripped the steering wheel hard to keep Shelby from seeing how her answer affected him.
If Maria and Lopez were shocked to see Shelby with Justin, they didn’t say anything. Lopez vanished into the kitchen while Maria fussed over Shelby, bringing coffee and pastries into the living room where Justin sprawled in his armchair and Shelby perched nervously on the edge of the sofa.
“Thank you, Maria,” Shelby said with a warm smile.
The Mexican woman smiled back. “It is my pleasure, señorita. I will be in the kitchen if you need me, señor,” she added to Justin before she went out, discreetly closing the door behind her.
Shelby noticed that Justin didn’t comment on Maria’s obvious conclusions. Perhaps Maria thought he might want to wrestle her down onto the sofa, but Shelby knew better. Justin had done that once, and only once. And she’d been so frightened that she’d reacted stupidly. She’d never forgiven herself for that. Justin had probably thought she found his ardor distasteful, and that was the last thing it had been.
She sighed, lowering her eyes to his black boots. They weren’t working boots; they were the ones he wore when he dressed up. He had such big feet and hands. She smiled, remembering how it had been when they’d first started dating. They’d been like children, fascinated with each other’s company, both of them a little shy and reserved. It had never gone beyond kisses except the night they got engaged.
“I said, do you want some coffee?” Justin repeated pointedly, holding the silver coffeepot over a cup he’d just filled.
“Oh. Yes, thank you.” She took it black, and apparently he remembered her preference, because he didn’t offer her any cream or sugar. He poured his own cup full, put a dash of cream in it and sat back with the china cup and saucer balanced on his crossed knee.
Shelby glanced at him and wondered how she could contemplate living under the same roof with him. He was so unapproachable. Obviously he wanted revenge. She’d be a fool to give him that much rope to hang her with.
On the other hand, if she was living with him, she had a better chance than ever of changing his mind about her. All she really had to do to prove her innocence was to get him into bed. But that was the whole problem. She was scared to death of intimacy.
“Why the blush?” he asked, watching her.
She cleared her throat. “It’s warm in here,” she said.
“Is it?” He laughed mirthlessly and sipped his coffee. “In case you wondered, you’ll have your own room. I won’t expect any repayment for giving you a home.”
The blush went scarlet. She had to fight not to fling her cup at him. “You’re making me sound like a charity case.”
“I’ll bet that rankles,” he agreed. “But Tyler can’t help you and hold down a job at the same time. And you’ll never make it on what Holman pays you, with all due respect to him. Secretaries in small towns don’t make much.”
“I’m not mercenary,” she said defensively.
“Sure,” he replied. He sipped his coffee without another word.
“Listen, Justin, it was all my father’s idea, that fake engagement to Tom Wheelor—”
“Your father would never have done that to me,” he interrupted coldly, and his eyes went black, threatening as he leaned forward. “Don’t try to use him for a scapegoat just because he’s dead. He was one of the best friends I had.”
That’s what you think, she mused bitterly. Obviously it wasn’t going to do any good to talk to him. Just because her father had put on a show of liking him was no reason to put the man on a pedestal. God only knew why Justin had such respect for a man who’d caused him years of bitter humiliation.
“You’ll never trust me again, will you?” she asked softly.
He studied her lovely face, her pale green eyes staring at him, her gaze burning into his soul. “No,” he replied with the honesty that was as much a part of him as his craggy face and thick black hair. “There’s too much water under the bridge. But if you think I’m nursing a broken heart, don’t. I found you out just a little too soon. My pride suffered, but you never touched my heart.”
“I don’t imagine any woman ever got close enough to do that,” she said, her voice soft. She traced the rim of the china cup. “Abby told me once that you haven’t dated anyone for a long time.”
“I’m thirty-seven years old,” he reminded her. “I sowed my wild oats years ago, even before I started going with you.” He finished his coffee and put the cup down. His black eyes met hers in a direct gaze. “And we both know that you’ve sown yours, and who with.”
“You don’t know me at all, Justin,” she said. “You never did. You said I was a status symbol to you, and looking back, I guess I was, at that.” She laughed bitterly. “You used to take me around to your friends to show me off, and I felt like one of those purebred horses Ty used to take to the steeplechase.”
He stared at her over his smoking cigarette. “I took you around because you were pretty and sweet, and I liked being with you,” he said heavily. “That was a lot of garbage about wanting you for a status symbol.”
She leaned back wearily. “Thank you for telling me,” she said. “But I guess it doesn’t matter now, does it?” She finished her coffee and put the cup down. “Are we going to have a church wedding?” she asked.
“Aren’t we a little old for that kind of ceremony?” he asked.
“I can see you’re still eating live rattlesnakes to keep your venom potent,” she said without flinching. “I want a church wedding.”
He dusted the long ash from his cigarette into an ashtray. “It would be quicker to go to a justice of the peace.”
“I’m not pregnant,” she reminded him, averting her self-conscious face. “There’s no great rush, is there?”
She was tying him up in knots. He glared at her. “All right, have your church wedding. You can stay at Mrs. Simpson’s until we’re married, just to keep everything discreet.” His dark eyes narrowed as he got up and crushed out his cigarette. “There’s just one thing. Don’t you come down that aisle in a white dress. If you dare, I’ll walk out the front door of the church and keep going.”
She lifted her chin. “Don’t you know what every woman in the congregation will think?”
The soft accusation in her green eyes made him feel guilty. He was still hurt by Shelby’s affair with Tom Wheelor. He’d wanted to sting her, but he hadn’t counted on the wounded look in her eyes.
“You can wear something cream-colored,” he muttered reluctantly.
Her lower lip trembled. “Take me to bed.” Her eyes dared him, even though she went scarlet and shuddered at her own boldness. “If you think I’m lying about being innocent, I can prove I’m telling the truth!”
His black eyes cut back to hers, unblinking. “You know as well as I do that it takes a doctor to establish virginity. Even an experienced man can’t tell.”
Her face colored. She could have told him that in her case, it would be more than normally evident, and that her doctor could so easily settle all his doubts. She started to, despite her embarrassment at discussing such an intimate subject, but before she could open her mouth, there was a quick knock at the door and Lopez came in with a message for Justin.
“I’ve got some cattle out in the road,” he told Shelby. “Come on. I’ll run you over to Mrs. Simpson’s first. You can call Abby and make plans for the wedding. She’ll be glad to help with the invitations and such.”
She didn’t even argue. She was too drained. They were going to be married, but he was going to see to it that she was publicly disgraced, like an adultress being paraded through the streets.
Her teeth ground together as they went out to the car. Well, she’d get around him somehow. She wasn’t going to wear anything except a white gown to walk down that aisle. And if he left her standing there, all right. Maybe he didn’t even mean what he’d said. She had to keep believing that, for the sake of her pride. He didn’t know, and she’d hurt him badly. But, oh, how different things had been six years ago.
Shelby had known the Ballengers all her life. Ty, her brother, and Calhoun, Justin’s brother, were friends. That meant that she naturally saw Justin from time to time. At first he’d been cold and very standoffish, but Shelby had thought of him as a challenge. She’d started teasing him gently, flirting shyly. And the change in him had been devastating.
They’d gone to a Halloween party at a mutual friend’s, and someone had handed Shelby a guitar. To Justin’s amazement, she’d played it easily, trying to slow down enough to adjust to the rather inept efforts of their host, who was learning to play lead guitar.
Without a word, Justin had perched himself on a chair beside her and held out his hand. Their host, with a grin that Shelby hadn’t understood at the time, gave the instrument to Justin. He nodded to Shelby, tapped out the meter with his booted foot and launched into a rendition of San Antonio Rose that brought the house down.
After the first shock wore off, Shelby’s long, graceful fingers caught up the rhythm and seconded him to perfection. He looked into her eyes as they wound to a finish, and he smiled. And at that moment, Shelby gave him her heart.
It wasn’t a sudden thing, really. She’d known for years how kind he was. He’d just taken Abby in and given her a home when the girl’s mother and Mr. Ballenger had died in a tragic car wreck. Justin was always around when someone needed a helping hand, and there wasn’t a more generous or harder working man in Jacobsville. He had a temper, too, but he controlled it most of the time, and his men respected him because he didn’t ask them to do anything he wasn’t willing to do himself. He was the boss, along with Calhoun, but Justin was always the first to arrive and the last to leave when there was a job to be done. He had many admirable qualities, and Shelby was young and impressionable, and just at the right age to fall hopelessly in love with an older man.
After that night, she seemed to see Justin everywhere. At the restaurant where she had lunch with a friend on Tuesdays and Thursdays, at social events, at charity bazaars, where she went riding on trails that wound near the Ballenger property. It didn’t occur to her to wonder why such a reclusive, hard-working man suddenly had so much free time and spent it at places she was known to frequent. She was in love, and every second spent with Justin fed her hungry heart.
She hadn’t thought he was interested in her at first. They had a lot in common, despite their very different backgrounds, and he seemed to enjoy talking to her.
Then, very suddenly, everything changed. They were walking down the trail, near where they’d tied their horses, and Justin had suddenly stopped walking to lean against a tree. He didn’t say a word, but the expression in his eyes spoke volumes. He had a smoking cigarette in one hand, but he held out the other one to Shelby.
Shelby didn’t know what to expect when she took it. Her heart was hammering and she looked at his mouth and wanted it obsessively. Perhaps he knew that, but he didn’t take advantage of it.
He pulled her closer. Only their hands were touching. Then, his black eyes searching her soft green ones, he bent slowly, giving her all the time in the world to pull back, to hesitate, to show him that she didn’t want him.
But she did. She stood very still as his hard lips brushed hers, her eyes open, watching him. He lifted his head and searched her eyes.
He dropped the cigarette and ground it out under his boot while her heart went crazy. His arms slid around her, bringing her against him but not intimately. He bent again and kissed her with tenderness and respect, with soft wonder. She kissed him back the same way, her arms around his shoulders, her mind sinking into layers of pleasure.
