A Sparkle In The Cowboy's Eyes

Merideth tipped down the visor and studied her face in the lighted vanity mirror placed there. She touched the tips of her middle finger and thumb to the corners of her mouth and drew them together, blotting her lipstick. “Why don’t you?” she asked, turning to him.

“Because I like it,” John Lee snapped disagreeably, then headed for the front door of his home.

Merideth frowned at his back. And wasn’t this just her luck? It looked as if she was condemned to spending an evening with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The man who’d teased and laughed and taunted her that very afternoon, was gone and she was left with this scowling, grumpy-faced bear. With a sigh she sank back against the seat.

When he realized she wasn’t following him, he stopped and half turned. “Well?” he asked impatiently. “Are you coming or not?”

Without sparing him a glance, she flipped the visor back into place and lifted her chin. “I’m waiting for you to open my door.”

John Lee turned to face her. He propped his hands on his hips, cocking one hip higher than the other, and scowled. “You aren’t gonna try that prima-donna crap with me, are you? You’re a big girl now. You can open your own damn door.”

She turned her head slowly, one brow arched pointedly. “I thought the code of the West dictated that cowboys must treat women like ladies. I guess I was wrong.”

“Oh, for God’s sake,” John Lee grumbled, and rounded the car to jerk open her door. “Get out,” he ordered impatiently.

“My, aren’t we friendly tonight,” she replied dryly. She lifted a hand, waiting for him to take it.

With a low growl, he grabbed her hand and all but yanked her from the seat. “Are you satisfied now?”

With a look of disdain, she turned her back on him. “What you lack in finesse, you certainly make up for with your macho-jock-turned-cowboy charm.”

Her sarcastic remark had the same effect on John Lee as a shot of cortisone had on his knee. Forgetting all about the pain and discomfort in his leg, he tossed back his head and laughed. Macho-jock-turned-cowboy. What a description! And one only Merideth could come up with. Yep, he told himself. There was hope for her after all. He slung an arm around her neck, crushing her hairdo, and headed her toward his house. “Darlin’, you’d be surprised what kind of finesse us macho-jock-turned-cowboys possess.”

“Mmm-hmm,” she replied doubtfully as she slipped a hand beneath his arm and freed her hair.

Once inside, John Lee tossed his hat onto the entry table. “Mrs. Baker, I’m home!” he yelled.

An older woman bustled from the kitchen, stripping an apron from around her thick waist. “Thank goodness,” she puffed, mopping the apron against her damp brow. “I’m ’bout ready to drop.” She wadded the apron into a ball and stuffed it into a purse she retrieved from the coat closet, pausing long enough to stare at Merideth for a moment. When Merideth lifted a brow in reply, the woman turned away with a disapproving huff.

“The salad’s in the refrigerator,” she informed John Lee, “the potatoes in the oven and the steaks on the grill. I set the timer, but you’ll need to turn ’em in about five minutes. I’ve fed the—”

John Lee grabbed her elbow, cutting her off, and hustled her toward the door. “I sure appreciate you taking care of everything, Mrs. Baker. And don’t you worry that pretty little head of yours about a thing. I can handle it from here. See you in the morning.”

Before Mrs. Baker could catch her breath, he’d closed the door in her face. Then he turned and pressed his back against it as if locking out the devil himself. He looked at Merideth and forced a smile. “That was my housekeeper, Mrs. Baker.”

“Oh?” Merideth picked up a glass sculpture of a horse from a marble-topped table and held it to the light, studying the colors. “And here I was thinking she was your mistress.” She smiled sweetly at him as she replaced the sculpture, then turned and wandered into the den.

Nervously jiggling change in his pocket, he trailed her. “There’s something I need to tell you,” he began. “You remember my sister Sissy, don’t you?”

Merideth glanced back over her shoulder. “Well, of course, I remember Sissy.”

“Well, about a month ago, she—” But before he could explain further, a whimpering sound came from behind the kitchen door.

Merideth turned in the direction of the sound. “What was that?”

John Lee caught her arm and dragged her along behind him. “That’s Cassie,” he explained as he tugged Merideth through the kitchen door behind him.

“For pity’s sake, John Lee,” Merideth fussed, trying to wrench free. “You’re going to break my—” She stopped, sucking in a shocked breath when her gaze fell on the source of the whimpering noise. There was a playpen on the kitchen floor and inside it sat a baby, her face red, her mouth opening for a full-blown wail.

Unable to move, Merideth stared, her breath locked tight in her lungs.

“This is who I was going to tell you about,” John Lee explained. He moved to the playpen, scooped up the baby and swung her high in the air. She immediately stopped her wailing and filled her hands with his hair, laughing, her chubby legs chopping at the air.

“Merideth,” he said, settling the baby on his hip, “I’d like you to meet Cassie. Cassie, my girl,” he continued, rubbing his nose against hers, “this here is Merideth McCloud, the sex kitten who stars in that soap Mrs. Baker likes to watch in the afternoon.”

Merideth tore her gaze from the baby to stare at John Lee. “She’s yours?”

“Yes—no. Well, you see—” At that moment the timer went off, signaling that the steaks were ready to be turned, and the baby started howling again. John Lee thrust her toward Merideth. “Take her while I check the steaks.”

Her eyes riveted on the baby, Merideth locked her hands behind her waist and started backing toward the door. “N-no. I—I can’t.”

John Lee danced a moment, from Merideth to the playpen then back, trying to decide what to do. Finally he plopped the baby in the playpen and started out the back door. “Keep an eye on her,” he ordered, aiming a finger at Merideth’s nose. “I’ll be back before you can say scat.”

She stretched out a hand. “John Lee, wait! I—” The door slammed behind him.

The baby continued to wail, and Merideth closed her eyes and flattened her hands over her ears, trying to block out the sound—the same sound that haunted her dreams at night. In the dream, her baby, her son, cried out for her, his pitiful wails tugging at her heart. She would run, searching and searching, following the sound, but he always remained just out of sight, just out of her reach.

The crying continued, rising in intensity. As hard as she tried, Merideth couldn’t block out the sound. She forced open her eyes to find that the baby had knotted her fingers in the mesh sides of the playpen and was hauling herself to a wobbly stand. Fat, frustrated tears streaked down her face and dripped off her chin. Releasing her tentative hold on the mesh, the baby held out her arms to Merideth.

Emotion pushed at Merideth’s throat, choking her, while pain ripped through her chest like a knife, slashing at her heart.

She pressed her fists against her lips, fighting back the tears, until her knuckles turned as white as her face.

Oh, God, she begged silently, please help me. I can’t bear this. I can’t!

With a broken sob, she whirled and ran from the room.

John Lee stepped into the kitchen just as the front door slammed. Seconds later his Porsche’s powerful engine roared to life. Over it all he heard Cassie’s lusty squalls.

“Damn,” he muttered as he shoved the platter of steaks onto the counter. “Damn. Damn. Triple damn, hell!”

Merideth raced down the highway, the wind whipping her hair around to sting her face. Tears burned behind her eyes and clotted her throat, but she held them back. She wouldn’t cry. Not yet. With each shift of gears, she pushed the accelerator harder against the floor, trying to outrun the sound of the baby’s cries, the plea in the child’s watery eyes, the tiny arms stretched out to her.

But she couldn’t. They echoed in her mind and squeezed at her chest until she felt as if she were suffocating beneath them. Why had John Lee done this to her? she silently cried. She’d always known he was ornery, but she’d never known him to be cruel. Surely he must know how fresh her pain was, how difficult it would be for her to see another baby so soon after the loss of her own.

At look-out point, she spun the steering wheel to the left, careening onto the small paved space, then slammed on the brakes. Jerking on the emergency brake, she sank down in the seat, the pain in her chest deep and debilitating.

Her son. Her infant son.

She’d seen him only once, the glimpse as quick as the sweep of a butterfly’s wings, the memory hazy as if viewed through a winter morning’s fog. She’d never held him close to her heart, never cuddled him to her breast. Yet, she had yearned to. Oh, God, how she had yearned to.

The wad of emotion that filled her throat rose higher, choking her. With no one and nothing but the cactus and the rocks and the darkening sky to witness her grief, Merideth covered her face with her hands and let the tears fall.

Two

John Lee sat on the sofa in the McClouds’ living room with a sleeping Cassie cuddled against his chest. Mandy and Sam sat opposite him, the look in their eyes damning.

“I know it was the wrong thing to do,” he said regretfully. “Or at least I do now. But I swear I was only trying to help Merideth. I thought if she and Cassie met up, they might be good for each other. You know, both of them having suffered a loss, and all.”

He sighed in frustration when Sam and Mandy continued to glare at him. Hell. He’d said he was sorry. What was there left to say?

The roar of his Porsche on the drive outside saved him from having to make any more attempts at an apology, for it made both Sam and Mandy leap to their feet He stood, too, and stretched out his free arm to stop them from rushing to the door. “If you girls don’t mind,” he said, “I’d like to talk to her first.”

The two exchanged a glance, then stepped back, silently indicating their agreement.

“In private,” he added. He held out the sleeping baby to Mandy. “Would you mind looking after Cassie for me while I talk to Merideth?”

Mandy stretched out her arms, her expression softening as she took Cassie from him.

Sam continued to glare at him. “If you upset her again, John Lee, I swear I’ll—”

He held up his hands in surrender. “I’m not going to do anything but apologize. You have my word.”

Not wanting her sisters hovering over Merideth while he made his amends, John Lee headed for the front door and the porch beyond, hoping to intercept Merideth before she reached the house.

Dusk had settled over the landscape since his arrival, leaving the porch in long shadows. He paused there among them, watching Merideth’s approach, noting the droop of her shoulders, the heaviness in her step. He wished he could see her expression, too, but her hair curtained her face and dark sunglasses masked her eyes.

When she reached the foot of the porch steps, he took a deep breath and stepped from the shadows. She froze at the sight of him, then firmed her lips and started past him.

John Lee took a step sideways, blocking her way. “I’d like to talk to you, if I could,” he said quietly. “To explain.”

“There’s nothing you have to say that I want to hear.” She started to go around him again, but this time John Lee caught her arm, holding her in place. When she tried to twist free, he tightened his grip, his fingers digging into her flesh.

“Five minutes, Merideth. That’s all I ask.”

She yanked off her sunglasses to glare at him. “That’s right, John Lee. When charm fails, use muscle. Isn’t that what you cowboys usually do to get your way?”

More than her words, it was the red, puffy eyes and the tracks of tears through her makeup that made John Lee release his hold on her. “I’m sorry, Merideth. I never meant to upset you.”

Fresh tears welled in her eyes and she fought them back. She wouldn’t let him see her cry. “Apology accepted. Now go home to your baby and leave me the hell alone.”

“She’s not my baby.”

Already turning for the house, Merideth stopped.

“She’s my niece.”

Slowly she turned to face him. “Sissy’s baby?”

“Yeah.”

Though the news surprised her, it didn’t soften Merideth’s anger with John Lee. She lifted her chin, her look one of contempt. “I always considered Sissy intelligent, but she certainly has displayed poor judgment in her choice of babysitters.”

John Lee heaved a sigh. “I’m not baby-sitting. I’m Cassie’s guardian. Sissy’s dead.”

The blood slowly drained from Merideth’s face. “Dead?” she repeated in a hoarse whisper.

John Lee thinned his lips, fighting back the emotion, the memory. “Yeah. She was killed in a motorcycle accident a little over a month ago.”

“Oh, John Lee,” she murmured, “I didn’t know.” She pressed a hand against her heart, remembering the towheaded little girl who had shadowed her big brother’s every step from the time she could walk. “I’m so sorry. You were so close. That must have been horrible for you.”

He dipped his chin to his chest and scuffed the toe of his boot at a plank on the front porch. “Yeah, it was, but truthfully I lost Sissy a long time ago.” He lifted his gaze to meet hers, his blue eyes a deep pool of grief that Merideth well understood. “You wouldn’t have known her, Merideth. After Mom and Dad died, she went crazy. Died her hair purple, pierced everything on her body that could be pierced. When she wasn’t living on the streets, she was shacking up with first one guy, then another. I doubt she even knew who fathered the baby.” He shook his head regretfully. “I tried to help her, but nothing I did or said seemed to make any difference. It was as if she was determined to self-destruct.”

Merideth laid a hand on his arm, her touch light but full of compassion. “I wish I’d known. Maybe I could have done something to help her.”

He placed his own hand over hers and squeezed. “Thanks, but nothing you could have done or said would have changed anything. Believe me, I tried it all.” He drew her hand from his arm to clasp it between his own. He dropped his gaze to stare at them. “But maybe there is something that you could do for Sissy.”

Unsure what she could do now that Sissy was gone, Merideth peered at him quizzically. “What?”

John Lee drew in a deep breath and lifted his gaze, his blue eyes meeting hers. “I need help with Cassie. Mrs. Baker, my housekeeper, takes care of her through the day, but the woman isn’t as young as she used to be. And with all her other household chores...well, the baby’s not getting the attention she requires. What Cassie needs is a nanny.”

Merideth tensed, sensing the direction the conversation was taking. “Is that why you invited me to dinner? To persuade me to become the baby’s nanny?”

He had the grace to blush. “Well, yeah, sorta.”

Her lips thinned and she jerked her hand from his. “Then you wasted your time. Look elsewhere. I’m not interested.”

When she turned for the house, John Lee stepped in front of her again. Merideth snapped her head up to glare at him.

“I have looked,” he said. “I really have.” He dug his hands deep into his jean pockets. “You don’t realize how hard it is to find someone competent, someone I’d trust with her. That’s why I was hoping you’d be willing to help me out for a while. You wouldn’t be her nanny, really. More like her friend.”

When her eyes narrowed dangerously, John Lee pressed on. “It’d just be for a couple of months. Just until I can find someone permanent. You told me you didn’t know what you wanted to do with your life,” he reminded her. “This’ll give you something to occupy your time while you’re making up your mind. And you can live on the ranch with Cassie and me. That way you won’t feel like you’re a burden on your sisters anymore. It’s the perfect arrangement for everyone. Don’t you see?”

Though Merideth’s gaze was riveted on John Lee’s face, the image she saw was that of Cassie, that beautiful little baby, standing in the playpen, her arms outstretched to Merideth, tears streaking down her red face, that silent plea in her eyes.

Slowly she backed away from him. “No,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.” Spinning around she ran from the porch and across the lawn.

“Why didn’t either of you tell me?” Merideth demanded accusingly of her sisters.

Mandy and Sam exchanged a guilty look, but as the oldest and the one who’d ultimately made the decision to keep the news from her, it was Mandy who responded. “I’m sorry, Merideth. I know we should have, but—well, right after Sissy’s accident, you had your accident and we didn’t think you needed to be burdened with any more bad news.”

Merideth folded her arms beneath her breasts. “So you’re making my decisions for me now, are you? And I suppose you both were in on this little scheme with John Lee, too, weren’t you, thinking I’d go along with his idea? Well, you were wrong!” she cried, flattening her hands on her father’s desk as she leaned across it to glare at them. “I won’t do it I can’t.”

“Whoa, wait a minute,” Sam said, rising from the sofa. “What scheme?”

Narrowing her eyes suspiciously, Merideth shifted her gaze from Sam’s to Mandy’s and back again, looking for signs of guilt, for the lie she was sure that her sisters were trying to brazen out But she saw nothing there but confusion. “He didn’t tell you?”

Sam tossed her hands in the air in frustration. “Tell us, what, for heaven’s sake?”

“That he wants me to move in with him and take care of Sissy’s baby.”

Mandy’s eyes widened and she leapt from the sofa. “What! Oh, Merideth, surely you know that we’d never ask you to do something like that. That would be cruel. Your own loss is still much too fresh.”

Merideth folded her arms beneath her breasts again and turned her back on her sisters to stare out the darkened window. “Yes, it is,” she said, feeling tears rising. “But obviously John Lee doesn’t think so.”

The days faded one into the other until a week had passed since Merideth’s conversation with John Lee. During that week, she had paced her room, walked the pastures of the Double-Cross, driven for miles on end, all the while cursing John Lee Carter.

Why had he done this to her? Didn’t he realize how painful it was for her to see someone else’s baby when her heart was still raw from the loss of her own?

And that baby. That precious little angel. As hard as she tried, Merideth couldn’t shake her image...or the desperation in John Lee’s voice when he’d said he needed help with the child.

She tried hard not to feel sorry for him, to hold on to her anger with him, but it was obvious that he was in way over his head. What did a bachelor, especially a playboy like John Lee, know about caring for a baby?

The poor little thing, left without a mother to love and care for her. Merideth tried to blot the infant from her mind, but she couldn’t sleep at night for worrying about her, wondering if she was okay, if John Lee had found someone to care for her, if she was receiving the proper care.

After a week of sleepless nights and haunted days, she finally decided she wouldn’t rest until she saw the child again and satisfied herself that the baby was receiving the attention and care she needed. She owed Sissy that.

She planned her visit mid-morning in hopes of avoiding John Lee, sure that he would be out on the ranch with his wranglers at that time of day.

Parking in front of the long, ranch-style house, she crossed to the porch and rang the bell. From the other side of the door, she could hear the drone of a television set... and the plaintive cry of the baby. She waited, her nerves winding tighter and tighter with each passing moment, with each new heartbreaking sob.

She punched the bell a second time. Then, unable to stand the sound of the baby’s crying, tried the door and found it open. She stepped inside. “Mrs. Baker? John Lee?”

She listened but heard nothing but the baby’s persistent cry. Had something happened to the housekeeper? Was the baby alone and in pain? With panic gripping her chest, Merideth ran down the hall, following the crying sounds to the den.

There she found a playpen in the center of the room and inside it Cassie stood on wobbly legs, her fingers knotted in the playpen’s mesh sides. She stood just as she had the last time Merideth had seen her. Dressed in nothing but a fruit-stained T-shirt and a sagging diaper, she turned her face toward Merideth. Alligator-sized tears ran down her face.

Merideth glanced frantically around, looking for some sign of John Lee or Mrs. Baker, hoping they would hear the baby’s cries and would come and see to her needs. But no one came. There wasn’t a sound in the house other than that of canned laughter from a television set in another room. Merideth swallowed the fear that rose as she turned her gaze back to Cassie.

Tears burned her throat. She’d made a mistake, she told herself. She shouldn’t have come. She couldn’t bear this.

She started to turn away, to leave before anyone saw her, but just as she did, the baby swayed, losing her balance, then sat down hard on the floor of the playpen. Her frustrated wails grew louder.

Instinctively, Merideth took a step toward her, her hands outstretched, reaching for her...then she stopped, curling her hands into fists against her lips. She couldn’t pick her up. She couldn’t touch her. She just couldn’t.

As if Cassie sensed Merideth’s inability to rescue her, she flopped over on her tummy and buried her face in the blanket beneath her, sobbing miserably.

Swallowing hard, Merideth quickly closed the distance between them and stooped to pick her up. Cassie grabbed at Merideth’s hair, tangling the fingers of one hand there, while she fisted her other hand in Merideth’s blouse. Straightening, Merideth held her out in front of her.

Emotion rose in her throat as she met the infant’s gaze. “Shhh,” she whispered, blinded by her own tears. “Please don’t cry.” But Cassie only wailed louder. With her heart threatening to split wide open, Merideth drew a deep breath and slowly drew her to her breasts. The frantic beat of the baby’s heart throbbed against her own.

She closed her eyes, trying to remain unaffected, but the baby’s warmth seeped through her blouse and slowly wound itself around her heart. Merideth couldn’t hold back the tide of grief that rose inside her.

Cupping the back of the baby’s head, she tucked it beneath her chin and pressed her lips to the cap of silky hair there. Inhaling deeply, she filled her senses with scents of baby powder, milk and innocence.

“There, there,” she soothed as she instinctively began to sway. “No need to cry. Merideth’s got you.”

A hiccupy sigh reverberated against Merideth’s chest, then Cassie leaned back and looked up at her. Tears swam in eyes as blue as John Lee’s. She peered up at Merideth innocently, yet with a look of such expectancy and hopefulness, that Merideth felt as if the child had reached in and touched her heart.

Tears blurred her vision as she tried to focus on the baby’s sweet face. How could she have ever been so heartless, she asked herself, so selfish as to run from this precious child?

“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” she murmured sympathetically as she swiped tears from her own eyes. “Are you wet? Do you need your diaper changed?” In answer, Cassie’s lower lip began to quiver. Merideth tested the diaper. “You are wet,” she confirmed. “And I’ll bet you’re hungry, too.” She glanced around. “Where is Mrs. Baker?” she asked, beginning to frown. “She should be taking care of you.”

“C, you fool. Ask for a C!”

Merideth turned toward the sound and anger slowly rose to warm her cheeks. “The irresponsible twit,” she muttered to the baby. “Watching television and leaving you alone in here and all by yourself.” Furious now, she marched in the direction of the swinging door that separated the kitchen from the den. Slapping a palm against it, she stepped into the kitchen, then stopped, shifting Cassie to her hip while the door rocked on its hinges behind her.