The Countess of Escarbagnas

Coun. Do not make fun of it; for the verses are good although they are country verses.

Visc. I, Madam, make fun of it! Though he is my rival, I think his verses admirable. I do not call them, like you, two strophes merely; but two epigrams, as good as any of Martial's.

Coun. What! Does Martial make verses? I thought he only made gloves.

Thi. It is not that Martial, Madam, but an author who lived thirty or forty years ago.6

Visc. Mr. Thibaudier has read the authors, as you see. But, Madam, we shall see if my comedy, with its interludes and dances, will counteract in your mind the progress which the two strophes have made.

Coun. My son the Count must be one of the spectators, for he came this morning from my country-seat, with his tutor, whom I see here.

SCENE XVII. – THE COUNTESS, JULIA, THE VISCOUNT, MR. THIBAUDIER, MR. BOBINET, CRIQUET

Coun. Mr. Bobinet, I say, Mr. Bobinet, come forward.

Bob. I give the good evening to all this honourable company. What does Madam the Countess of Escarbagnas want of her humble servant Bobinet?

Coun. At what time, Mr. Bobinet, did you leave Escarbagnas with the Count my son?

Bob. At a quarter to nine, my lady, according to your orders.

Coun. How are my two other sons, the Marquis and the Commander?

Bob. They are, Heaven be thanked, in perfect health.

Coun. Where is the Count?

Bob. In your beautiful room, with a recess in it, Madam.

Coun. What is he doing, Mr. Bobinet?

Bob. Madam, he is composing an essay upon one of the epistles of Cicero, which I have just given him as a subject.

Coun. Call him in, Mr. Bobinet.

Bob. Be it according to your command, Madam. (Exit)

SCENE XVIII. – THE COUNTESS, JULIA, THE VISCOUNT, MR. THIBAUDIER

Thi. (to the COUNTESS). That Mr. Bobinet, Madam, looks very wise, and I think that he is a man of esprit.

SCENE XIX. – THE COUNTESS, JULIA, THE VISCOUNT, THE COUNT, MR. BOBINET, MR. THIBAUDIER

Bob. Come, my Lord, show what progress you make under the good precepts that are given you. Bow to the honourable company.

Coun. (showing JULIA). Come, Count, salute this lady; bow low to the viscount; salute the councillor.

Thi. I am delighted, Madam, that you should grant me the favour of embracing his lordship. One cannot love the trunk without loving the branches.

Coun. Goodness gracious, Mr. Thibaudier, what a comparison to use!

Ju. Really, Madam, his lordship the count has perfect manners.

Visc. This is a young gentleman who is thriving well.

Ju. Who could have believed that your ladyship had so big a child.

Coun. Alas! when he was born, I was so young that I still played with dolls.

Ju. He is your brother and not your son.

Coun. Be very careful of his education, Mr. Bobinet.

Bob. I shall never, Madam, neglect anything towards the cultivation of the young plant which your goodness has entrusted to my care, and I will try to inculcate in him the seeds of all the virtues.

Coun. Mr. Bobinet, just make him recite some choice piece from what you teach him.

Bob. Will your lordship repeat your lesson of yesterday morning?

Coun. Omne viro soli quod convenit esto virile,Omne viri…

Coun. Fie! Mr. Bobinet; what silly stuff is that you teach him?

Bob. It is Latin, Madam, and the first rule of Jean Despautère.

Coun. Truly, that Jean Despautère is an impudent fellow, and I beg you to teach my son more honest Latin than this is in future.

Bob. If you will allow him to say it all through, Madam, the gloss will explain the meaning.

Coun. There is no need; it explains itself sufficiently.

SCENE XX. – THE COUNTESS, JULIA, THE VISCOUNT, MR THIBAUDIER, THE COUNT, MR. BOBINET, CRIQUET

Cri. The actors send me to tell you that they are ready.

Coun. Let us take our seats. (Showing JULIA.) Mr. Thibaudier, take this lady under your care.

CRIQUET places all the chairs on one side of the stage. The COUNTESS, JULIA, and the VISCOUNT sit down, and MR. THIBAUDIER sits down at the COUNTESS'S feet.

Visc. It is important for you to observe that this comedy was made only to unite the different pieces of music and dancing which compose the entertainment, and that …

Coun. Ah! never mind, let us see it; we have enough good sense to understand things.

Visc. Begin then at once, and see that no troublesome intruder comes to disturb our pleasure.

(The violins begin an overture.)

SCENE XXI. – THE COUNTESS, JULIA, THE VISCOUNT, THE COUNT, MR. HARPIN, MR. THIBAUDIER, MR. BOBINET, CRIQUET

Har. By George! This is fine, and I rejoice to see what I see.

Coun. How! Mr. Receiver, what do you mean by this behaviour? Is it right to come and interrupt a comedy in that fashion?

Har. By Jove, Madam, I am delighted at this adventure, and it shows me what I ought to think of you, and what I ought to believe of the assurances you gave me of the gift of your heart, and likewise of all your oaths of fidelity.

Coun. But, really, one should not come thus in the middle of a play and disturb an actor who is speaking.

Har. Hah! zounds, the real comedy here is the one you are playing, and I care little if I disturb you.

Coun. Really, you do not know what you are saying.

Har. Yes, d – it, I know perfectly well; and …

MR. BOBINET, frightened, takes up the COUNT, and runs away; CRIQUET follows him.

Coun. Fie, Sir! How wrong it is to swear in that fashion!

Har. Ah! 'sdeath! If there is anything bad here, it is not my swearing, but your actions; and it would be much better for you to swear by heaven and hell than to do what you do with the viscount.

Visc. I don't know, Sir, of what you have to complain; and if…

Har. (to the VISCOUNT). I have nothing to say to you, Sir; you do right to push your fortune; that is quite natural; I see nothing strange in it, and I beg your pardon for interrupting your play. But neither can you find it strange that I complain of her proceedings; and we both have a right to do what we are doing.

Visc. I have nothing to say to that, and I do not know what cause of complaint you can have against her ladyship the Countess of Escarbagnas.

Coun. When one suffers from jealousy, one does not give way to such outbursts, but one comes peaceably to complain to the person beloved.

Har. I complain peaceably!

Coun. Yes; one does not come and shout on the stage what should be said in private.

Har. I came purposely to complain on the stage. 'Sdeath! it is the place that suits me best, and I should be glad if this were a real theatre so that I might expose you more publicly.

Coun. Is there need for such an uproar because the viscount gives a play in my honour? Just look at Mr. Thibaudier, who loves me; he acts more respectfully than you do.

Har. Mr. Thibaudier does as he pleases; I don't know how far Mr. Thibaudier has got with you, but Mr. Thibaudier is no example for me. I don't like to pay the piper for other people to dance.

Coun. But, Mr. Receiver, you don't consider what you are saying. Women of rank are not treated thus, and those who hear you might believe that something strange had taken place between us.

Har. Confound it all, Madam; let us cast aside all this foolery.

Coun. What do you mean by foolery?

Har. I mean that I do not think it strange that you should yield to the viscount's merit; you are not the first woman in the world who plays such a part, and who has a receiver of taxes of whom the love and purse are betrayed for the first new comer who takes her fancy. But do not think it extraordinary that I do not care to be the dupe of an infidelity so common to coquettes of the period, and that I come before good company to say that I break with you, and that I, the receiver of taxes, will no more be taxed on your account.

Coun. It is really wonderful how angry lovers have become the fashion! We see nothing else anywhere. Come, come, Mr. Receiver, cast aside your anger, and come and take a seat to see the play.

Har. I sit down? s'death! not I! (Showing MR. THIBAUDIER.) Look for a fool at your feet, my lady Countess; I give you up to my lord the viscount, and it is to him that I will send the letters I have received from you. My scene is ended, my part is played. Good night to all!

Thi. We shall meet somewhere else, and I will show you that I am a man of the sword as well as of the pen.

Har. Right, my good Mr. Thibaudier. (Exit.)

Coun. Such insolence confounds me!

Visc. The jealous, Madam, are like those who lose their cause; they have leave to say anything. Let us listen to the play now.

SCENE XXII. – THE COUNTESS, THE VISCOUNT, JULIA, MR. THIBAUDIER, JEANNOT

Jean. (to the VISCOUNT). Sir, here is a note which I have been asked to give to you immediately.

Visc. (reads). "As you may have some measures to take, I send you notice at once that the quarrel between your family and that of Julia's has just been settled, and that the condition of this agreement is your marriage with Julia. Good night!" (To JULIA) Truly, Madam, our part is also played.

The VISCOUNT, the COUNTESS, and MR. THIBAUDIER, all rise.

Ju. Ah! Cléante, what happiness is this! Our love could scarcely hope for such a happy end.

Coun. What is it you mean?

Visc. It means, Madam, that I marry Julia; and if you will believe me, in order to make the play complete at all points, you will marry Mr. Thibaudier, and give Andrée to his footman, whom he will make his valet-de-chambre.

Coun. What! you deceive thus a person of my rank!

Visc. No offence to you, Madam, but plays require such things.

Coun. Yes, Mr. Thibaudier, I will marry you to vex everybody.

Thi. You do me too much honour, Madam.

Visc. Allow us, Madam, in spite of our vexation, to see the end of the play.

THE END

1

After the peace of Aix-la-Chapelle in 1668, this newspaper never ceased to attack Louis XIV. and the French nation. In 1672 Louis XIV attempted the conquest of Holland

2

The name given in the middle ages to a supposed Christian sovereign and priest (presbyter) in the interior of Asia.

3

Instead of naming the hotels (= mansions) of the great noblemen, Julia names the hotels (= inns) of the time. She thus shows where the countess had studied the aristocracy.

4

They were pears 'de bon chrétien.' 'Choke-pears' renders rather weakly the poires d'angoisse of Mr. Thibaudier.

5

Compare 'Tartuffe,' act ii. scene iii.

6

The Martial who did not write verses, sold perfumery, and was valet-de-chambre to the king's brother. Martial, the Roman epigrammatist, lived in the first century after Christ.