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How to Rob a Bank
Tom Mitchell
A life of crime – how hard can it be? A funny, filmic and fast-paced crime-caper.When fifteen-year-old Dylan accidentally burns down the house of the girl he’s trying to impress, he feels that only a bold gesture can make it up to her. A gesture like robbing a bank to pay for her new home. Only an unwanted Saturday job, a tyrannical bank manager, and his unfinished history homework lie between Dylan and the heist of century. And really, what’s the worst that could happen?A funny, filmic and ill-advised crime caper.
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2019
Published in this ebook edition in 2019
HarperCollins Children’s Books is a division of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd,
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Text copyright © Tom Mitchell 2019
Cover design copyright © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2019
Cover illustration copyright © Euan Cook
Tom Mitchell asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of the work.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook onscreen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Source ISBN: 9780008276508
Ebook Edition © March 2019 ISBN: 9780008276515
Version: 2019-01-03
To Jacob, Dylan and Nicky
Contents
Cover (#ue62d750b-174b-5157-9d4d-96a32c1e4034)
Title Page (#u6ccf87cd-afe8-5f8b-b62c-2a7c0e94583f)
Copyright (#ub03db49d-d905-5ccf-be74-8fc8e8f3d435)
Dedication (#u50c30663-7313-55f0-9554-87f99cb79c22)
Part 1 (#u90ea4d40-ee29-52f6-8074-a287532ff541)
Chapter 1: Identify Your Justification: Why Bother? (#u6c6f3a65-9d60-54f0-b740-cb5da8f1d813)
Chapter 2: Exercise Caution Around Naked Flames (#u2dc63396-3766-5ce8-b3a8-dbcb83df6708)
Chapter 3: Remember: There’s No ‘I’ in ‘Team’ But There is in ‘Win’ (#u03ba7751-5454-5e73-97ca-1bdd6c55c202)
Chapter 4: Does Robbing a Bank Suit Your Needs? (#u7e88441d-1f9e-56fc-a5a6-2025837534a6)
Chapter 5: There’s Such a Thing as Being Over-prepared (#u1725b457-e0dd-57a8-9630-1b6508422c9b)
Chapter 6: Ensure Your Target Ticks All the Boxes (#u7a590762-b010-5eec-a3f6-98f2dccc0485)
Chapter 7: Anything That Can Go Wrong, Will Go Wrong (#u4ddd22a5-7f1e-5f21-8158-743be212ea79)
Chapter 8: Be Prepared to Use Your Imagination (#u5ef3d138-6b90-5018-baed-0140da865185)
Chapter 9: ‘Ever Tried. Ever Failed. No Matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail Better.’ Samuel Beckett (#u922cf1cb-bafe-5b73-967e-f52523b22f2c)
Chapter 10: Use Technology to Your Advantage (#u7024ab2c-8de1-5ecc-802a-cd987311cc2b)
Chapter 11: Do Your Best to Avoid Violence (#ued317968-d669-5f19-a624-b48ab755afff)
Chapter 12: Get Your Hands Dirty (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 13: Robbing a Bank is Like Riding a Horse (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 14: Trust Nobody (#litres_trial_promo)
Part 2 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 15: Remain Focused, No Matter What (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 16: Do Your Homework (Scout the Location) (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 17: Short-term Pain for Long-term Gain (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 18: Nothing is Free, Not Even Stolen Money (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 19: A Good Thief is a Good Actor (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 20: Take Care of the Present and the Future Will Look After Itself (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 21: Remember: Everybody Makes Mistakes (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 22: Breaking the Law Isn’t Fun (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 23: Avoid Mixing Business with Pleasure (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 24: Don’t Cry Over Spilt Milk (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 25: Nobody Said Robbing a Bank was Easy (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 26: It’s Better to Fail Before, Rather Than During, a Crime (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 27: You Don’t Want to End Up Locked Away (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 28: Never Be Too Proud to Ask for Help (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 29: Expect to Fail and You Won’t Be Disappointed (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 30: The Darkest Point of the Night Comes Before Sunrise (or something like that) (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 31: Take Advantage of Unexpected Opportunities (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 32: Flexibility Can Be as Important as Detailed Planning (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 33: A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Single Step (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 34: Don’t Let Your Ego Blind You to Your Plan’s Faults (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 35: The Running Track of Life is Littered with Potholes (#litres_trial_promo)
Part 3 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 36: Operation RHC (Retrieve History Coursework) (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 37: Fail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 38: Don’t Forget the Importance of Good Timing (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 39: Never Underestimate your own Potential for Stupidity (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 40: Don’t Try to Rob a Bank on Your Own (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 41: Robbing a Bank is a Matter of Holding Your Nerve (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 42: Take Inspiration from Everywhere and Everything (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 43: There’s Nothing More Important Than Your Getaway Plan (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 44: Don’t Forget to Eat (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 45: The End (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
(#ulink_66f9e500-0eac-50c4-a351-7ed55a807dab)
(#ulink_73e8f271-5b78-5db6-9dfb-f84994cb18c5)
Identify Your Justification: Why Bother? (#ulink_73e8f271-5b78-5db6-9dfb-f84994cb18c5)
Ask yourself – do I need the money? Robbing a bank isn’t something to do to pass the time, like kicking footballs over the neighbour’s fence or reading. Some people rob banks because they’re greedy. Those people are usually caught after buying muscle cars or diamond-encrusted baseball caps. Others enjoy the adrenalin rush of thrusting sawn-off shotguns into the faces of middle-aged women. Those are typically twenty-somethings with troubled childhoods.
Me? I robbed a bank because of guilt. Specifically: guilt and a Nepalese scented candle.
Let me explain.
It was an endless summer and I was fifteen and fed up with playing Call of Duty and FIFA. There are only so many times you can get sniped in the chin or spanked five–nil before you start questioning the meaning of it all. Mum and Dad’s moaning meant I’d applied for part-time jobs. But even McDonald’s had turned me down. Dad said this was evidence of Broken Britain. Mum said I shouldn’t stop trying.
It was a Saturday afternoon, one of those boring summer Saturdays without Premier League football and with lasagne planned for dinner. Dad was on the sofa, Mum was on the wine, and Rita was on the phone. And all my friends, apart from Beth, were on exotic holidays with never-ending beaches and azure oceans.
‘What do you know about Watergate and Richard Nixon?’ asked Dad. His question, like most of his questions, was a run-up to convincing me to watch a film. This time, it was All the President’s Men, which he’d first shown me when I was in primary school and I’d thought boring and confusing.
I told him I was off to see a girl. That shut him up.
‘Good for you,’ said Mum, who was at the dining table, holding a dog-eared magazine in one hand and a chipped wine glass in the other.
‘Yes,’ said Dad, waving a hand to silence Mum. ‘Live a little.’
Dad was being ironic. It was something else he did – watching films and being ironic. That was Dad. Also – snoring.
I went to my room, closed the door, and ignored the smell of sweat that rose like shimmering heat waves from my stained duvet. I fell to my knees and ran my hands underneath the bed. My fingers passed over crisp packets and sticky patches that I’d worry about later. Finally I found the package I’d been searching for. It had been hiding here since Monday when Brian, our seven-foot-tall German postman, had stood at our front door and had said:
‘Parcel for you. Ist party time?’
And he’d smiled a smile so bright that to look directly into his mouth would blind you.
TBH, I wasn’t 100 per cent convinced a Nepalese scented candle would impress my friend Beth. But I’d cornered myself when Harry, a drippy guy in the year below, had asked what I’d got Beth for her birthday.
Beth lets Harry follow her around because their mums are members of the same yoga club or something. He thinks they’re best friends but they’re so not.
I didn’t even know she had a birthday. I mean, I know everyone has a birthday but …
‘I’m a teenager,’ I said. ‘I don’t buy friends birthday presents. I don’t even write on their Facebook walls.’
‘I bought her a necklace,’ said Harry. ‘It’s silver.’
Round Beth’s neck was this pretty thing with tiny dolphins that I’d not noticed until now.
‘Honestly,’ said Beth, ‘I don’t care about presents.’
I confess: I panicked.
‘A Nepalese scented candle,’ I said. ‘That’s what I got you.’
