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He stared unseeing up at the beam-and-plaster ceiling overhead and wondered how Penny had coped all alone for the last eight months. Hell, during her pregnancy? A stir of something that felt a lot like regret moved through him and Colt frowned to himself. Yeah, he’d missed a hell of a lot that he would never get back. But she’d been here. On her own, except for her brother—and Robert was an intern so he couldn’t have been around much—so how had she done it all?
Okay, yeah, she had been behind on her bills, but the house was clean, the kids were happy and healthy, and she was building her own business. He had to admire that even while it irritated him still that she’d never contacted him. That she refused to need him.
“Was this house built by elves?” Connor muttered. “I’m getting claustrophobia just sitting here.” He glanced up at the ceiling. “Why is that so close?”
Colt sighed. “I almost knocked myself out this morning,” he admitted. “I slept on the couch and when the twins cried I jumped up, ran to their room and smacked my forehead on the door frame.”
Con held up one finger. “Excuse me? You slept on the couch?”
“Shut up.”
“How the mighty have fallen.” Con leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his thighs. “Word of this gets out, your rep is shot.”
“Word of this gets out,” Colt told him, “I’ll know who to blame.”
“Point taken.” Connor leaned back in his chair again with a good-natured shrug. “So, tell me about them. What’s it been like?”
Colt laughed and speared one hand through his hair. “Let’s see. This morning they dropped my wallet into the toilet, pulled flowers from the pots on the back porch and threw blueberry yogurt onto the kitchen floor just to watch it splat.”
Connor grinned. “Sounds normal. And crazy-making.”
“You got that right,” Colt said on a tired sigh. “How the hell did Penny manage on her own? Not only did she take care of the twins, but she’s running a photography business, too. I don’t know when she finds the time to pause long enough to take photos of other people’s kids when the twins demand constant supervision.”
Con laughed outright. “Since when do you start using words like supervision?”
Embarrassed, Colt said, “Since I discovered that climbing Everest is nothing compared to giving those two babies a bath. After the yogurt incident, I threw ’em both in the tub and wound up looking like a flood survivor by the end of it.”
“And you’re loving it?”
Colt’s gaze snapped to his twin’s. “I didn’t say that.”
“Didn’t have to. Hell, nobody knows you better than I do and I can tell you’re enjoying the hell out of this. Even with all the work and yogurt trauma.”
A swell of emotion filled Colt as he thought about the twins. The snuffling sounds they made when they were sleeping, the sigh of their breathing, had become a sort of music to him now. He recognized every sound. He knew that Riley wanted to be cuddled before bedtime while Reid wanted to sprawl across his mattress, looking for the most comfortable position.
He knew that Riley loved her brown teddy bear and that Reid preferred a green alligator. He knew Riley wanted Cheerios in the morning and that Reid was interested only in bananas.
His children were real to him now. Actual people—in miniature—with distinct personalities. They had become a part of him and he couldn’t have said just when that had happened. But he did know that he wasn’t ready for this time with them to end.
“Okay then,” Connor interrupted his thoughts abruptly. “You’re living in a tiny house, taking care of tiny people and sleeping on a too-short couch. Why?”
“You know why,” Colt grumbled and wished for a second he hadn’t opened the door to his brother. Didn’t he have enough going on at the moment without Con throwing his two cents in?
“Yeah, I do. Now tell me how it’s going with Penny.”
“Frustrating,” Colt admitted, lifting his head to look at his twin. “She believes she did the right thing in not telling me.”
“Did she?”
His eyes narrowed on his brother. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Connor shrugged. “You haven’t exactly made a secret of the fact that you don’t want a family of your own.”
“Whose side are you on, anyway?” Colt sat up straighter.
Lifting both hands for peace, Connor assured him, “Yours. Obviously. But you gotta admit, she had reason to do what she did.”
He would have argued, but over the last couple of days, his anger had slowly been drained away until he could think clearly. Logically. And damn it, he could see her point of view. Didn’t mean he agreed with it, though. “Fine. She had reason. The point is, I know now and—”
“What’re you gonna do about it?”
“That’s the thing,” Colt muttered. “No idea. You and I both know those kids shouldn’t depend on me.”
“No, I don’t know that. For God’s sake, Colt, stop beating yourself up.” Connor huffed out an impatient breath. “It wasn’t your fault. We’ve all told you that countless times over the last ten years.”
“Yeah,” he said, staring at his brother. “You all have and it doesn’t change a thing. I should’ve been there. I told them I would be. If I had been...”
Darkness rose up inside him and buzzed in his head like a swarm of attacking bees. Pain jolted him. Memories were thick and for a moment or two, Colt was sure he could actually feel the bite of the snow, taste the cold on the wind. Hear screams that sounded almost nightly in his dreams. He hadn’t lived that day, but in his dreams, he did. Over and over again.
“What makes you think you could have stopped it?” Connor jumped up from the chair, stalked across the room and looked down at him. “You weren’t responsible. Let it go already.”
Colt laughed shortly. Let it go. If only it were that easy. But ten years after the darkest day in his life, the memories were still clear and sharp enough to draw blood. How could he forget? How could he ever forgive himself? How could he allow two defenseless infants to depend on him?
“You can let it go. I can’t.” He stood up, meeting his twin’s gaze with a steely stare of his own. Didn’t matter how close he and Connor were, this was something Colt had to carry on his own. Had to live with. Every. Damn. Day. And no one else would ever understand what it was like to be haunted by thoughts of what if.
A couple of tense seconds ticked past as the twins glared at each other. But eventually Connor shrugged, shook his head and said in disgust, “It’s amazing you can grow hair on that rock you call a head.”
Colt snorted. “This head is identical to yours so choose your insults more wisely.”
Connor’s lips twitched. “Fine. So let’s talk about Sicily instead. You want me to get somebody else to check out Mount Etna for us?”
He’d considered it. There were a couple of experienced climbers they’d used before to scope out new spots when Colt was too busy to do it. But he wasn’t ready for that yet. “No,” he said, shaking his head firmly. “I’ll do it. Might take a week or so until Penny’s feeling better, but I’ll get to it.”
“Your call,” Con said, then asked, “So if I’m quiet, can I look at your kids while they sleep?”
Colt gave his brother a quick grin. “Sure. But if you wake ’em up, you’ll be here until you put ’em back to sleep.”
* * *
The rest of the afternoon passed on a tide of diapers, baby food, Cheerios and crazed babies crawling all over the house—usually in two separate directions. Colt was too busy to do a lot of thinking. But he still managed to have an idea that kept swimming through his mind, refusing to be ignored. He played with possibilities as he bathed the twins and then wrestled them into pajamas. Not easy since Reid refused to lie still and Riley insisted on tearing her diaper off the minute Colt got it on her.
How in the hell had his life changed so completely, so quickly?
Colt was getting into a routine and the fact that he could actually think that word and not run screaming for the closest exit was almost scary. But routines were meant to be broken. This wasn’t forever.
But as he looked at the babies now settling into their cribs for the night, he realized that knowing this time was going to end didn’t make him as happy as it should have. He scrubbed one hand across the back of his neck and tried to sort through the splintered thoughts and emotions raging inside him.
The twins had laid siege to his heart, there was no denying it. What he felt when he looked at them, when they smiled up at him or threw their little arms around his neck, was indescribable. Sure, he’d been around his cousins and heard them all talking about how their children had affected them. But he guessed you couldn’t really understand until you’d experienced it for yourself.
Two tiny children—not even talking yet—and they’d changed everything for him. He just didn’t know what to do to protect them, other than to keep his distance.
Problem was, he wasn’t ready to leave just yet.
“Enjoying your special time with the twins?”
The voice from the doorway behind him didn’t surprise him. In spite of the turmoil in his mind, Colt had felt Penny there watching him long before she spoke.
Glancing over his shoulder at her he said, “I don’t know how you take care of them so well on your own.”
She looked surprised by the compliment and a quick stab of guilt hit him. Colt realized that in the last few days he had never acknowledged just what she’d accomplished in this tiny house. She’d been on her own from the jump, yet she’d managed to care for the twins and this house and try to build a business.
Exhausted him just thinking about what her life must have been like for the last eight months.
“Well, thanks.” She stiffened a little as if she’d been unprepared for flattery—and didn’t quite know how to take it. She fidgeted with the short, pale blue robe she was wearing, tugging the terry cloth lapels tighter across her chest. “It isn’t always easy, but—”
“Oh, I get that.” He stared down at his daughter, lying in her crib. In her favorite position, with her behind pointed at the sky, the tiny girl smiled as she drifted off to sleep. Shaking his head in amazement, Colt looked over at Reid, who was already sleeping, sprawled across the mattress as if trying to claim every inch of the space as his own.
Twins, but so different. Yet both of them had carved their essences into his heart in a matter of days. It was damn humbling for a man who was used to running the world around him to admit, even to himself, that two tiny babies could bring him to his knees.
Walking to the doorway, Colt turned out the light and watched as the night-light tossed softly glowing stars onto the ceiling. Then he and Penny stepped into the hallway and he pulled the door closed behind them.
In the sudden silence, he stared down at her and lost himself for a second in the deep green of her eyes. The whole world was quiet and the tension between them flashed hot as she gathered the neck of her robe in one fist. His body went to stone when he realized she was naked under that robe.
And in a heartbeat, his memory provided him with a very clear image of her naked body. The curves he’d spent hours exploring. The smooth slide of his hand across her skin. The fullness of her breasts, the slick heat of her body surrounding his.
His eyes narrowed on the top of her robe, as if just by concentrating, he could make her release that death grip and give him a peek at what lay beneath. Damn, the woman was going to kill him.
“I’m, uh, going to take a shower,” she said and took a step back from him.
Colt’s eyes narrowed on her. “Are you steady enough to do it on your own?”
Her eyes went wide at the implication that if she wasn’t, he was going to help.
“I’m fine,” she insisted, taking another step backward. He could have told her that a few feet of distance wouldn’t be enough to put out the flames snapping between them.
Then she was talking again, her words coming quickly, almost breathlessly, as she tried to make her escape. “I’m tired of washing up. And they said I could take a shower sooner than this, I was just nervous about it. So now I’m not and I really want a shower.”
Hot water, sluicing across her body, cascading over smooth skin, soap bubbles sliding down the length of her amazing legs. Colt cursed silently. If he kept up this train of thought, he wouldn’t be able to walk. He wanted her badly, but he was also worried. What if she got into the shower and needed help?
His inner cynic snorted at that one. He wanted to be in that shower with her, but it wasn’t help he wanted to give her.
“It’s not safe for you to be in there on your own,” he said, a part of him actually believing the statement. “I’ll help you.”
“Oh, no.” She shook her head hard enough for her long, dark red hair to swing out from her shoulders. “Not gonna happen.”
“Don’t argue.” He took her arm and steered her down the short hall to the bathroom. “We’re adults, Penny.”
“Yeah,” she murmured, “that’s the problem.”
He gave her a wicked wink. “Are you saying you can’t trust yourself around me? Can’t control your raging desire to rip off my clothes and take me? Take me hard?”
Her lips twitched and he grinned back at her.
“That’s exactly right, Colt,” she said, sarcasm dripping from every word. “I don’t want to take advantage of you in your weakened state.”
“Very thoughtful,” he assured her and walked into the bathroom, also designed for people a foot shorter than Colt, keeping a firm grip on her elbow. “Look, seriously, you need a shower and I’m not going to let you risk falling or something.”
“What am I, ninety? I’m not going to fall. I’m not an invalid,” she told him as he turned on the water and waited impatiently for it to heat up.
He let go of her, but blocked the only exit so she couldn’t sidle out of the room. “All kidding aside,” he said, “you can argue and we can be here for hours, or we can just get this taken care of.”
She thought about that for a long minute or two, the pitiful sound of the low-water-pressure shower in the background. “Fine. You can stay in the room, but no looking.”
He snorted. “I’ll try to control myself.”
And it would be an effort, he thought but didn’t say. The room was so small, they were practically standing in the same space. The short, narrow sink dug into his thigh as he moved aside to let her get to the shower.
“Turn around,” she ordered.
He did and found himself staring into the mirror—something she clearly hadn’t considered. Behind him, she was reflected in the glass as she slipped out of her robe. He gritted his teeth as his gaze followed the line of her spine right down to the curve of her truly amazing behind. Her hair danced across the top of her back as she moved and he wanted to tangle his hands in that thick, soft mass as he had before.
His body throbbing, aching, Colt held his ground, though it cost him every last ounce of his self-control. Never before had he been forced to not take what he wanted. To stand back and let the woman driving him insane slip through his fingers. His teeth ground together and his breath came short and fast. Still, he couldn’t look away and was rewarded—or tortured—with a glimpse of her breasts, high and full, as she pulled the striped curtain back and stepped into the tub.
The water ran and he heard her blissful sigh and that was nearly enough to push him over the edge. Colt looked at the curtain and imagined her behind it, naked and wet, tipping her face up to the stingy flow of water. He couldn’t help wondering what she would think of the shower at his place, with its six massaging heads and the heated seats carved into the granite enclosure. In his mind, he laid her down on that wide seat, parted her thighs and—
“Ow.”
“What?” he snapped, dream dissolving instantly. “What is it?”
“Nothing,” she said. “I just moved too fast and I’m still a little sore, that’s all. I’m fine.”
He didn’t believe her. If she pulled her stitches out, they’d be back to square one.
Pulling the curtain aside, he looked at her and instantly knew it had been a mistake. His imagination had nothing on the reality of a slick, wet, naked Penny. Her long, dark red hair hung in thick ropes over her shoulders. Drops of water clung to the tips of her hardened nipples and her face was flush with warmth and surprise. She looked like a damn water nymph and his body’s reaction was instantaneous.
The tiny window over the shower was open, allowing a cold breeze to whisper through. The sea-green paint was peeling on the ceiling and the porcelain on the ancient tub was scratched and pitted. Yet all he gave a damn about was the wet, naked woman looking at him with raw desire in her eyes.
She shook her head and chewed at her bottom lip before saying, “Go away, Colt.”
“No,” he said, unable to tear his gaze from her. There was no way he was leaving. If it had meant his life, he still would have stayed exactly where he was.
Raw, frantic lust pumped hot through him. Desire clutched at his throat, making breathing nearly impossible. But then, he asked himself as he reached out one hand to cup her breast, who needed to breathe?
She gasped at his touch, and rather than moving back, she stepped closer and licked her lips, sending a lightning bolt of need slicing through him. Then she covered his hand with hers, holding him steady against her breast. Struggling for air, she whispered brokenly, “We can’t. We shouldn’t. I mean, I shouldn’t. I mean—”
He knew what she meant. She’d had surgery a few days before. Everything between them was a mess, with neither of them happy with the other at the moment. And yet... “We’ll be careful....”
“Colt—” she gasped again as his thumb caressed her hardened nipple. “Oh, my.”
