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They giggled and tried to do it without success.
“Now individual photos. Quietest kids go first.”
They continued doing photo sessions, and Lily actually got some good shots that the parents would love, including candids of the kids who were still being helped into their costumes.
What seemed like only a few minutes later, a gray-haired man appeared in the doorway. “You kids are up next,” he said, and the children shrieked and lined up, following Barb’s harried instructions.
Once they got to the front entrance of the sanctuary, several other adults appeared to direct the children, and Barb gave Lily a quick half hug. “Thanks for giving me a hand. You can slip in and watch, if you’d like.”
So Lily did, strangely warmed by the opportunity to help out.
The sight of the girls galumphing up the aisle, Sunny grinning and waving while Skye tried to hold the camel costume in place, made Lily’s breath catch.
Pam would’ve found the camel costume hysterically funny. Lily could almost hear her friend’s rollicking laugh that usually ended in an undignified snort. It would have created a disruption in church, but Pam would have enjoyed that, too, rebel that she was.
If only she could be here. If only things had gone down differently those last days before she’d died.
Lily swallowed hard and made herself focus on the service. But the past seemed determined to intrude. As she watched the children perform their nativity skit, breathed in the scent of pine boughs and candles, and sang the familiar carols, her own long-ago memories flooded in. Church attendance had been a spotty thing in her childhood, but for a stretch of several years, a neighboring family had taken her along to a Christmas craft workshop, where she’d enjoyed a few hours of contented concentration, making wreaths or pot holders or Styrofoam ornaments. Christmas music had poured out of speakers and people had been friendly and kind. For those short periods, she’d felt a part of a larger whole.
This seemed like the kind of church that would welcome a lonely child into their midst.
Maybe if she’d kept up her church attendance, she wouldn’t have gone down the wrong path.
When the skit ended to enthusiastic applause, the children left, and Carson stood in the pulpit. He looked around as if meeting each individual’s eyes. Was it her imagination, or did his gaze linger a little longer on her face?
“Did you know that Jesus was an outsider?” he began, and then continued on to preach a short but apt sermon, inviting everyone to recommit themselves to Christ, incarnated in the world, during this season.
He was a talented speaker, and Lily found herself thinking about the state of her own soul. She believed, read her Bible somewhat regularly, but she did feel like an outsider among religious folks. Her past had gone from isolated to wild, and while she’d straightened herself out overseas, with the help of a couple of Christian friends, she’d never found a church where she really belonged.
People in the congregation listened attentively, some smiling, others nodding. Carson seemed to be well respected.
And his kids obviously adored him.
So Pam’s assessment of her husband was at least incomplete—she’d portrayed him as mean and abusive. She’d also said that he put on a good show, of course, and maybe that was what was happening tonight. But as the service ended and she watched Carson greet people by name and ask about their families, she couldn’t detect even a note of insincerity.
It looked like he was going to be busy for a while, and the twins were still working on a craft in the Sunday school classroom. So Lily took a cup of hot apple cider from a smiling teenager and wandered off toward the small church library.
She didn’t browse for long before the woman watching over the library struck up a conversation that ended in an invitation for Lily to come for Christmas dinner. Even though she turned it down, the offer lifted Lily’s spirits. Then the clerk from the hardware store came over and started talking photography. Before she knew it, she was sitting in a small grouping of chairs, eating cookies and listening to a trio of women venting about how stressed they felt from Christmas preparations and expressing envy for her single, unencumbered state.
Yes, this was how church should be. Friendly and open and welcoming.
If she settled in a place like this, this was the type of church she’d want to attend.
“Lily.” There was a touch on her shoulder, and she turned to see Carson’s serious face. His interruption made the other three women exclaim about the time and get up to join the thinning crowd, collecting coats and children and heading out into the late-afternoon light.
Lily’s heart thumped in a heavy rhythm as Carson sat down kitty-corner from her. She looked around the church lobby, desperate for a distraction, an excuse to escape. Why hadn’t she used the church service as a time to figure out what she could say to this curious, grieving husband?
What could she say that wouldn’t devastate him?
“When I heard your full name, I realized that you were Pam’s roommate,” he began. “That surprised me. Did you come to Esperanza Springs because of Pam? Is there anything you can tell me about her?”
Lily shook her head rapidly. “I didn’t realize you all were here. At the ranch, I mean,” she added, to keep from lying. “I’m just here to photograph the dogs for a project I’m finishing up. And to take your family pictures, remember? The gift from Penny.” She was blathering.
And all of it was to deflect his interest away from her real purpose: to check on his daughters, for Pam.
His head tilted to one side, and there was a skeptical expression on his face. He opened his mouth to say something more.
“Pastor! There you are. I have a little gift for you and your girls.” A curvy woman with reddish hair thrust a container of cookies into Carson’s hands.
“Thank you, Mariana.” Carson’s smile looked strained.
“I don’t believe we’ve met.” Mariana fixed Lily with an accusing glare.
“I’m sorry,” Carson said. “Mariana, this is Lily, one of Pam’s friends.”
“Pleased to meet you.” Mariana sounded anything but. “We all wanted to get to know Pam, but she was never around.”
“I’m glad to meet you, too,” Lily said in a weak response. She’d never thought about Pam’s career from her hometown’s point of view. It was odd that Pam had spent most of her leaves traveling, rather than being home with her family.
Mariana had just sat down when a teenage voice called from the doorway. “Mom! Let’s go!”
“Kids.” With a heavy sigh, Mariana stood, waved and walked toward the door.
Now the lobby area was almost completely empty, and parents were coming out from the back hallway with young children in hand. If Lily could only stall...
“Listen, we don’t have much time,” Carson said, “but I also know you won’t be around long. That’s why I’m really eager to talk with you about Pam. Do you know the circumstances of her last days?”
Lily blew out a sigh. “Didn’t they contact you? Usually the army is good about—”
“Yes, they contacted me and gave me the official version,” Carson interrupted. “But you and I both know that the official version isn’t the whole story. What was her state of mind, what had she been doing beforehand, that sort of thing.”
Exactly what Lily didn’t want to talk about, couldn’t bear to talk about. “I think I hear your girls,” she said desperately, standing up.
“Is there something I should know?” Carson stood, too, and stepped closer.
“No.” He most definitely shouldn’t know what had happened. It would only add to his unhappiness. “No, there’s nothing you should know. I’ll be outside.” She spun and hurried toward the door.
Why had she done that? Now he would know there was something she wasn’t saying. It would be so great to be a good liar, to be able to smile and tell Carson that Pam had spent her last moments thinking of him and her girls. That she’d been happy and content until the horrible accident had happened.
But Lily was a bad liar, and the pretty version was far from the truth.
She pushed open the door and walked out into a sunset world of cold and whirling snowflakes.
* * *
Almost an hour later, after a neck-tensing drive to the ranch in whiteout conditions, Carson gratefully pulled his truck into the driveway between Cabin Four and Cabin Five. He got out and came around to find Lily already opening the door for the girls.
“Yay! Snow!” Sunny called. “C’mon, Skye!”
But Skye was clinging to Lily’s gloved hand. “Can you come in our cabin? We put out food for Santa every year.”
Worry stabbed at Carson. Skye seemed to already be getting overly attached to Lily.
Lily smiled down at Skye. “That’s such a nice offer, but I’d better not,” she said without offering an excuse. “Run and see if you can catch a snowflake on your tongue!”
Distracted, Skye danced toward her sister, tongue out.
Carson handed Lily her package from the hardware store. “Let’s finish our conversation later, or tomorrow,” he said, by way of warning her that their talk wasn’t over.
She’d obviously not wanted to discuss Pam, and possible reasons why were driving Carson crazy. Pam had been high-strung and intense, not without her problems and issues. Lily might know something about Pam’s death, or her last days, that would shed some light.
Had she also known that Pam was pregnant again?
Even the thought of it stabbed at his heart. Carson had begged her not to go back into the army, to stay home instead. She could have easily gotten a discharge or at least a desk job. But she’d refused. She’d loved the excitement of being overseas. She’d said she wanted one last adventure before she really settled down.
The strong implication being settled down with her boring old husband.
But she’d promised to be careful and to tell her commanding officers about the pregnancy, and she’d assured him she wouldn’t be assigned to any dangerous missions.
So how was it that she’d died from enemy fire?
The loss he’d faced had been double: his wife and his unborn child. To get over it, to move forward with his life, he needed more information, and the army’s official materials hadn’t satisfied him.
“Thanks for the ride,” Lily said. She headed toward her cabin, then turned back. “Merry Christmas.”
“Same to you.” He watched her walk, straight-backed and lonely-looking, toward her cabin to spend the rest of Christmas Eve, and Christmas, alone.
He guessed people might feel sorry for him, too, but at least he had his girls. A true blessing.
“Daddy! Come here!” The twins were jumping up and down on the cabin’s porch, and Carson hurried to them, concerned that even their slight weight would cause the old porch to cave in.
But when he got there, the porch was sturdy and intact, and the twins waved a large red envelope.
“Read it, Daddy, read it!” Sunny said.
He opened the envelope and read, in shaky handwriting: You are cordially invited to a Christmas Eve dinner in Cabin 1. Banjo music included.
He chuckled. He’d planned to serve the girls canned soup and grilled cheese tonight, waiting until tomorrow to attempt to cook the turkey and potatoes he’d bought, but a real, full dinner would be far preferable. And behind the cheerful wording of the invitation was the obvious: Long John wanted the company.
“What does it say?” Skye asked.
He knelt and read it to the girls, earning squeals of excitement.
“Let’s put our things away first,” he said, “and then we’ll head down to see Mr. Long John.”
“Let’s go now!” Sunny held up the package containing the ornaments they’d bought at the hardware store. “Because Mr. Long John doesn’t have any decorations for his tree, and we can put ours on it.”
“Good idea.” There was no point in getting the girls out of their coats just to put them on again. He stowed the rock salt he’d bought on the cabin’s porch and followed the girls through the snow to Long John’s cabin.
As they climbed the porch steps, there was a rustling sound behind them, and Carson turned and saw Lily approaching, carrying a big shopping bag.
“Yay! He invited you, too!” Sunny jumped up and down.
Carson’s heart picked up its pace. Not because of her slender figure and pretty, flushed cheeks, he told himself sternly. Only because he saw the possibility of having his talk with her sooner than he’d expected.
Long John opened the door, and his weathered face broke into a big smile. “What do you know, Rockette, we’ve got company!”
The dog lumbered to her feet, let out a deep “woof” and nudged at the twins, making them giggle.
Lily smiled down at the scene. “Dogs are such a gift. They make everyone happy.”
“You folks didn’t need to bring anything,” Long John said as he ushered them into his cabin. “I mean this to be my treat, and a chance for you to relax. Come on, hang your coats right on that rack.”
Carson turned to help the twins with their jackets and saw that Lily was already unzipping Skye’s. He helped Sunny out of hers. Convenient. Two girls, two adults.
“We brought things to decorate your tree!” Sunny cried, twisting free of her jacket and hurtling over to the bag they’d brought. “See, look, there’s orderments!”
“Ornaments, right, Daddy?” Skye asked.
“Why, they’re right pretty,” Long John interrupted with a wink at Carson. “But I would hate to use up the decorations you planned to put on your own tree.”
“Go for it,” Carson said, at the same time that Skye said, “It’s okay.” Both girls hurried over to Long John’s waist-high, potted Norfolk Island pine.
“Thank you for inviting me,” Lily was saying to Long John. She didn’t hug him, but she clasped both of his hands.
“I’m just glad you all could come,” the older man said, “because I’ve cooked up enough food for a battalion. I’d be hard-pressed to eat it all myself.”
“I brought things to make cookies,” Lily said. “If you’ll let me mix up the batter and start them baking before dinner, the girls can decorate them afterward. Or take them home to decorate, if the party winds down.”
“This party isn’t winding down until midnight!” Long John said indignantly.
Lily lifted an eyebrow and tilted her head to one side, the corners of her mouth turning up. “You think you can outparty me? Game on.”
She was obviously just joking, but Long John chuckled as he patted Lily’s arm, and Carson’s heart warmed. He hadn’t been sure Lily really wanted to join in the gathering, but she was entering into the spirit of it, being kind to the girls and to Long John.
Long John led Lily to the kitchen area, showing her where things were and opening pots to stir them. A sweet-tart smell, ham baking, filled the air. The girls took turns placing ornaments on the little tree, for once not one-upping each other, but having fun together.
Unexpectedly, Carson’s eyes prickled with tears.
This was what he’d wanted for his girls. A warm family Christmas. And if the family wasn’t one of blood, well, that didn’t matter. What mattered was the caring in their hearts. He let his eyes close, to keep the tears from spilling, but also to offer up a silent prayer of thanks.
* * *
Later in the evening, Lily wiped frosting from the twins’ faces, then attempted to clean up the multiple splatters on the kitchen counter. In front of the fire, Long John plucked at his banjo while Carson strung lights on the little Christmas tree.
“Daddy! Mr. Long John! Come see our cookies!” Sunny crowed.
“They’re soooooo beautiful,” Skye added, admiring the two colorful platefuls.
