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Also, Joe worried that Carey was confusing gratitude with desire. She’d denied it when he’d bluntly asked her, but they were both obviously under some voodoo spell when it came to each other. He wouldn’t dare call it love. Hell, she’d just escaped a toxic, abusive relationship. Any decent guy, and Joe considered himself one of the good guys, would be an improvement.

Back and forth he silently argued, feeding his confusion rather than solving anything. He’d essentially been acting like a partner to Carey in all but name—how had he not seen that before? It’d started with the staggering need to protect her and moved on to bringing her home. They’d lived together for almost a month, sharing the little everyday things that true couples did. He was the first person other than the midwife to see Baby Spencer in the ultrasound. He’d secretly teared up, seeing how the fetus already sucked its thumb and had a tiny turned-up nose in the profile. She’d even asked him to go to the next doctor’s appointment with her, too, joking she was worried she’d forget something, and he’d been following her pregnancy like an auditor.

Just like he’d done with Angela at the beginning of her pregnancy.

What had possessed him to step into the role of being Carey’s partner in the parenting class? He squeezed his eyes tight, avoiding the answer, holding her a little tighter than before. It wasn’t out of pity for her being the only one enrolled without a significant other—no, he had to be honest. It was because he’d wanted to. Maybe even needed to.

Did he enjoy getting kicked in the teeth?

Damn it, for one of the good guys he was really screwed up. Losing Angela had nearly done him in, along with getting hit by the hardest dose of reality in his life. He was sterile. He’d never be a father. And Angela had cheated on him, taking the task of getting pregnant to his best friend, Rico.

In time he’d lose Carey and her baby, too, once she got back on her own two feet again. Just like he’d lost Angela and the baby he’d once thought was his for a brief but ecstatic period of time.

He slipped out of bed, unable to stay close another second to the woman who’d just thrown his entire world on its head. He pulled on his boxing trunks, went to the kitchen and drank a full glass of water, then walked to the couch and sat. Being away from her spell helped his body settle down. His mind was another story altogether, though. He folded his arms across his chest, plopped his feet on the coffee table and, using the TV controller, turned to an old black and white movie with the sound muted. Fortunately it dulled his thoughts and little by little, as the dark drama unfolded and minutes passed, he finally drifted off to sleep.

“Joe? What are you doing out here?”

Sunshine slipped through the cracks in the living-room window blinds on Saturday morning. Joe eased open one eye from where his face was mashed against the armrest cushion on the couch. “Huh? Oh, I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to wake you so I came out here.”

“I was worried I’d snored or something.” She’d obviously tried to lighten the mood, so he laughed easily, as if nothing was wrong at all. She looked nearly angelic, standing with the window behind her, her silhouette outlined by bright morning light. She was wearing an oversized T-shirt with those long, slender legs completely bare. It made him want her all over again, but that was the last thing he should ever do.

“No.” He scrubbed his face, trying to wake up, realizing she hadn’t bought his explanation, and he needed to be straight with her. “You didn’t snore.” Yeah, he had to nip this in the bud and, though it might sting today, she’d thank him later for sparing her more pain.

“What’s up, Joe? I don’t have a good feeling about us having sex and then you sneaking off to the couch.”

He wasn’t ready to look at her, and when he told her his thoughts she deserved his undivided attention. “I need some coffee.” He stood and she followed him into the kitchen. He glanced at her before he got on the job of filling the coffeemaker and saw the frightened and forlorn woman he’d first seen at the bus station. It made him feel sick to do that to her so he stopped avoiding the moment and grabbed one of her hands. “Look.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry we crossed the line last night. It was fantastic, amazing, and a huge mistake.”

“No. It was totally okay with me. Couldn’t you tell?” She searched his eyes, looking for answers. It made him look down at the hand he held. “In fact, it was an incredible night. I never dreamed making love with you could be so wonderful.”

He glanced upward, finding those eyes...greener in the morning light. “It was great, but things are too confused between us. You need time to heal from your lousy relationship with Ross, and the most important thing in your life right now should be your baby. Focus on the baby, instead of getting all involved with me. Not that I didn’t love what we did in there last night, it’s just that we’re dangerous for each other right now. I shouldn’t take time and energy away from you focusing on what you want to do with your life. I’ll just interfere, and you need to think what’s best for you, not anyone else.”

Who was he kidding, laying all the excuses at Carey’s feet? He still wasn’t ready to trust another woman, to open up about the pain of his wife’s infidelity. And that’s what he’d need to do in order to be with someone new. Her. It was why he’d been living like a workaholic hermit all this time. What would she think of him if she knew how scared he was to tell her the truth, and if he wasn’t ready to be completely honest, what was the point of being with her?

He pulled her close and held her, and it hurt to feel her stiffen when he wanted to love her. But now he had to push her away because she deserved better. She deserved a future of her own making. All he’d do was mess things up. “We both have a lot going on in our lives right now and it isn’t a good time to confuse things even more with sex.” He pulled back to engage with her eyes, but she was now the one avoiding eye contact. “And, believe me, that was incredibly hard to say, because I wanted you like I’ve never wanted anyone else last night.”

It seemed she’d stopped breathing, a dejected expression changing her beauty to sadness. He felt queasy, like he’d already finished the pot of coffee and the acid lapped the inside of his stomach. But he forged on because he had to.

“It’s not right for us to be together now. Our timing is off. We just have to face that. And no one is sorrier than me.”

Something clicked behind those beautiful eyes. Her demeanor shifted from tender and hurting to world-weary chick. “Yeah, you’re right. It really was stupid.” She pecked his cheek with a near air kiss. “Now I need to shower.”

He watched her walk away, her head high and shoulders stiff. In that moment he hated more than anything having given her a reality check, and the thought of drinking a cup of coffee made him want to puke.

CHAPTER SEVEN

CAREY STOOD UNDER the shower, hiding her tears. Joe’s rejection had stung her to the core. She’d given him everything she had last night yet this morning he had closed the door.

She lifted her head and let the water run over her face. He’d made her remember her shameful past, and she wanted to kick herself for trying to forget. If there was one lesson she should have learned by now it was not to ever let herself get close to any man again. Yet here she was a month after running away from Ross, opening her heart to Joe. Could she have been more stupid?

Joe wasn’t out to hurt her. It had just turned out that way, and it was her fault. She’d suspected from the beginning that he carried heavy baggage. It may have taken a near stranglehold to get him to reveal one small fact—the tip of the iceberg—that his wife had screwed him royally, and what the rest of the story was, Carey could only guess. One thing was certain, he was hurting and afraid of getting involved again.

Truth was she wasn’t the only one with a past not to be proud of. Joe belonged in her league. All the more reason the two of them were a horrible match.

Yet she’d trudged on, defying the truth, letting his kindness and charming personality, not to mention his great looks, win her over little by little. She’d let him take care of her and he’d quickly earned her trust. She still trusted him. But she couldn’t let herself fall any deeper in love with him. Something in her chest sank when she inadvertently admitted she’d fallen for him. No. That couldn’t be. She needed to stomp out any feelings she already had for Joe beyond the practical, and she needed to do it now. She lived here because she couldn’t afford her own place. Yet. In time she’d be free of him, wouldn’t have to be reminded daily how wonderful he’d been at first. Then how tightly he’d shut her out. Yet how much she still cared for him fanned the ache in her chest.

She diligently lathered her body, aware of more tears and that sad, sad feeling nearly overtaking her will to go on. Then her hands smoothed over her growing tummy and she knew she couldn’t let anything keep her from the joy of becoming a mother. Her baby deserved nothing less than her full attention. Wasn’t that what Joe had said, too?

From now on she’d concentrate on getting her life together and becoming a mother, and forget about how being around him made her feel as a woman. Really, how stupid was it, anyway, that fluttering heart business. It never paid off.

After showering and hair-drying and dressing, with her mental armor fully in place, she marched into the kitchen where she heard Joe puttering around. “I’ve decided to take you up on that offer to rent a car for me.”

“Sure, we can do that this afternoon since my dad owns a rental franchise.” He responded in the same businesslike tone she’d just used on him.

“Thanks. In the meantime, may I borrow your car? If I don’t leave now I’ll be late for the Parentcraft class.”

He was dressed. He stopped drying the coffee carafe, turned and looked at her dead on. “I’m going too, but you can drive if you want.”

He tossed her the keys, and in her profound surprise she still managed to catch them. “Uh, I don’t think so.”

“Well, I know so, because you forget things. And two sets of ears are better than one, especially since you’re probably already distracted from everything I pulled on you this morning.”

“It would be totally awkward for both of us. You know that.”

“No, I don’t because I’ve never done this before. Besides, no one else needs to know.”

He was making her crazy with this line of thinking, and so, so confused. “I can’t just give myself to someone then forget about it. What’s wrong with you?”

“You’re right, I’m totally screwed up, I admit it, but I started this class with you, and I intend to be there for you all the way to the end.”

Why was he being so unreasonable? But, honestly, how could she hold against him what he’d just acknowledged? He was the first guy in her life who insisted on sticking something out with her. It seemed a very unselfish thing to do.

Now her head was spinning, and it wasn’t because of the recent concussion. “This is all too complicated. I’d rather just go myself.” He’d hurt her enough for one day. She couldn’t possibly sit next to him in a class for two hours and not think about what had happened. Surely he knew that. What was wrong with the man?

He touched her arm and she went still. Something told her he was about to convince her to let him go, and right this minute—thanks a million, armor, for abandoning me—she felt too confused to argue.

“Carey, I know how it feels to be let down by someone. I know you’ve been let down a helluva lot lately, and I respect you too much to do that with this class on top of everything else I’ve already fouled up.”

She felt like grabbing her head and running away. “Let’s just drop this. I’m going now.” She turned to leave, but he stopped her again.

“Listen, I may have totally screwed up by letting my body do the thinking instead of my brain last night, but long before that... I’ll be honest and say I made a promise to myself about you. That first night I promised I’d look after you. And once I found out you were pregnant, I vowed to be there for the baby, too.”

He took her by the shoulders, leveling his gaze on hers, delving into her eyes. She couldn’t bring herself to look away. “This class is important. You need to know what Gabriella has to say. I signed on to be your partner, and I intend to stay on. We may have made a huge mistake, sleeping together so soon, but in this one thing I’m going to be the only person in your life right now who won’t bail on you. Please let me go with you.”

Damn her eyes, they welled up and she had to blink. The man was too blasted honorable, and she hated him for it. Hated him. “I won’t be able to concentrate with you there.” It came out squeaky, like she needed to swallow.

“You wouldn’t be able to concentrate if I didn’t go either. All the more reason for me to be there.” He patted her stomach. “Little baby Spencer needs us to pay attention. Now, let’s go.”

He gently turned her by her shoulders then nudged her in the small of her back through the door, and because she couldn’t stop the stupid mixed-up tears she handed back the keys. “You’d better drive.”

Carey finished the temporary job as ward clerk just in time to interview for a staff RN position in the same ward at the clinic. Having seen her work ethic already, and now that she had her RN license straightened out, they hired her on the spot. Carey was thrilled! Life was looking up. Except for that messy bit of being crazy about Joe Matthews and him being adamant about living by some code of honor. He was so damn maddening!

Ever since they’d made love, and especially after he’d explained how he’d made a promise to look after her, she’d thought she’d figured him out. Basically, he was the guy of her dreams but didn’t know it yet. The next big test was to get him to realize that. The guy followed the rules, maybe hid behind them, too. She could live with that for now, but it sure was hard! No deep, dark Joe secret would scare her away. Nothing he exposed could deter her. He was a good man, and she didn’t want to lose him, no matter how stubborn he was. But she had to be careful not to let on about her continued and growing feelings for him or she’d blow it. The big guy needed to be handled with the utmost care. For his own good.

Things had been very strained at the West Hollywood house since they had “faced the facts” a little over a week ago. It seemed they’d both bent over backwards to be polite and easy to get along with since then, taking the art of being accommodating to a new extreme, but simmering just beneath the surface was the tension. Always the tension. There was nothing like confusing love with kindness and one spectacular “crossing the line” event to create that special brew. Now she’d clearly seen the error of her ways.

He thought he’d convinced her to only look out for herself and the baby, and she was! But she was also letting her heart tiptoe into the realm of love, the kind she’d never experienced before. The problem was, she couldn’t let her champion paramedic know or he’d run. So the question remained, was she being the world’s biggest fool or the wisest of wise women?

Only time would tell.

The nursing recruiter spent the entire first day on the new job orienting Carey and preparing her for the transition to the floor. From this day forward she’d remember July the first as her personal almost-Independence Day in California. But first she had to get through the holiday weekend, which included meeting Joe’s family at their annual barbecue celebration. Why? Because he was the kind of guy who would never retract an invitation once made. Hadn’t he proved that already by continuing with the prenatal classes?

Man, he irked her...in a good way.

Another reason was that purely out of curiosity she wanted to meet the family that had spawned such a unique guy as Joe. If she played her cards right, she might find out a lot more about him. As she’d predicted, so far he’d yet to renege on the invitation, but she thought she’d test the waters anyway.

“Listen,” she said, on the night of July third, “I think I’ll skip the barbecue tomorrow.” Her heart wasn’t into the excuse by a long shot. After his incredibly lame but amazingly touching reason for continuing with the parenting classes, she was curious to see how compelling he could be over Independence Day.

“But you’ve got to come. Mom will hound me for weeks if I back out now.”

“You don’t have to back out. I’m just not sure I’ll go.”

“If you don’t go, I won’t either.”

“You can’t play me like that.”

“Play you? I just gave us both a way out. I’ll tell her you don’t want to come.”

“So I get blamed? Oh, no. It’s not that I don’t want to go, it’s our weird relationship I’m worried about. How would we hide that?”

“By acting like friends. We are still friends, right?”

“In some crazy bizarro-universe sort of way, yes, I guess we are. Besides, your mother would be horribly disappointed if you didn’t go.”

“Exactly my point.”

Darn it, his logic had outsmarted hers once again. “You are so frustrating!”

“So you’re saying you want to spend your first Fourth of July in California by yourself? Really?”

She couldn’t argue with that line of thinking. He’d invited her into his family, an honor for sure but one that wouldn’t come without questions. Probably most of the questions would come from his mother. Did she want to open herself up to that? And, more importantly, why did he? But, on the other hand, did she really want to spend the holiday by herself? “Honestly, I’d rather not be alone, but I don’t want to feel on the spot either.”

“Trust me, I know how to handle my family, and I promise you’ll have a good time. You’ll like them.”

That’s what she was afraid of.

“My parents live close enough to the Hollywood Bowl to see the fireworks there,” he said, driving to his boyhood home. “When I was a kid I used to lie flat on my back in the yard so I wouldn’t miss a thing.”

Carey wasn’t sure she’d be able to handle anything about today, but she smiled and pretended to be interested in his story and happy he felt like talking about it. No way would she let on to Joe how tough each and every minute spent with him was for her. She did it to hold out for a bigger reward, but so far he wasn’t showing any signs of opening up or changing. Holiday Joe was still By-the-Book Joe.

Carey sat in the car, wearing red board shorts with a string-tie waist to accommodate her growing tummy, a white collared extra-long polo shirt and a blue bandana in her hair. Joe wore khaki shorts and a dark gray T-shirt with an American flag on the chest in shades of gray instead of in color. Still, the point was made. They were celebrating the Fourth of July. With his big family. Oh, joy. Cue butterflies in stomach.

Although they’d made love and had opened up to each other that one night, Carey hadn’t learned one bit more about Joe’s broken marriage. Evidently he was determined not to ever let her know the whole story. Because of that, she felt stuck in a holding pattern, unable to be a real friend even though he’d insisted they were, definitely not a lover but merely a person who needed a place to stay, biding her time until she could move out. Every agonizing day, since things hadn’t changed, it became more evident it was time to make her break.

In the back of her mind she kept assuring herself that with her new RN salary she should be able to save up enough fairly soon to rent a small but decent apartment somewhere and then get out of Joe’s hair once and for all. Yet the thought of not seeing him every day sent a deep ache straight through her chest. Because she still cared for him.

He glanced at her, taking his eyes off the road briefly and giving a friendly yet empty smile. If only she could read his mind. She returned the favor with a wan smile of her own. What a pitiful pair they’d become. They’d both taken to wearing full mental armor since the morning after their one perfect night. Politeness was killing them. And it hurt like hell.

Joe’s parents’ home turned out to be in the Hollywood Hills area, not far from Joe’s house. He explained while they snaked up the narrow street that he’d grown up in a neighborhood called Hollywood Heights. She could see the Hollywood Bowl to the north and some huge and gorgeous estates to the west, wondering if he might have grown up there and was secretly rich. The thought amused her. Hey, the guy had owned his own business since he’d been in his early twenties. Hadn’t he said his father owned a car rental franchise? Maybe his dad was a CEO of one of the major chains. But then they turned into a long-standing middle-class neighborhood instead, and, to be honest, Carey was relieved.

Joe had never mentioned much about his family before, beyond the sister who’d loaned some clothes. Carey thought about that as they pulled into the driveway of a beautifully kept older Spanish Revival home. The front of the one-story, red-tile-roofed house was covered in ivy with cutouts where the living-room windows were and a well-maintained hedge lined the sprawling green yard in front of two classic arches on the porch. The fact that rows of palm trees stood guard on each side of the house made her smile. So Californian.

She had no idea how long his family had lived there, but he’d just said he’d been a kid here. That made her wonder what it would be like to always have a family home where you went for holiday celebrations.

Joe introduced Carey to his parents, who clearly adored him, and she could see that he’d gotten his soft brown eyes from his mother, Martha, and his broad shoulders and dark hair from his dad, Doug. They both grinned and immediately made Carey feel welcome, though there were questions in their gazes. She wondered if they assumed she and Joe were a couple.

The sister who’d loaned Carey clothes turned out to be named Lori, and she made a point to put it out there right off—Joe was the nice guy he was only because she’d been his middle sister by two years and had often insisted he play dress up and dolls instead of cowboys and Indians. Carey laughed and watched Joe blush, something she’d never seen before. She’d bet a fortune he’d always looked out for his kid sister and younger siblings, too.

Being an only child herself, she’d never experienced the power of a sibling, in this case to put a macho guy like Joe in his place in front of his mysterious new woman friend—who’d once been so desperate as to need to borrow Lori’s clothes. Now she was dying to find out who they thought she was and, more importantly, what they thought she was to Joe.

Andrew—Drew to his family and friends—was the taller but younger brother to Joe by four years, and was a fairer version of Joe but had the narrower build of his mother. Where Joe was a muscled boxer, Drew looked more like a long-distance runner. Both looked fit but in different ways.

“We’re waiting for Tammy and Todd to arrive before we begin making ice cream,” Martha said, as she gave Carey a quick tour of the house.

Carey soon found out they were the babies of the family at twenty-two, fraternal twins who still seemed to hang out with each other all the time and therefore would be arriving together. Interesting. This family believed in togetherness. Another foreign idea to Carey. Maybe that had something to do with Joe insisting they continue the parenting classes together?