Hannah's List

Once more I was forced to stop reading as a lump formed in my throat. “I wanted a child, too,” I whispered. I rested the letter on my knee and wondered if I could finish without giving in to the weakness of tears. And yet I had to read on. I had to know Hannah’s last words to me.

I have one final request of you, my darling, and I hope you will honor it.

“Anything.” I would do anything for Hannah.

What I want, what I need from you, is this, my dearest love. I want you to marry again.

I gasped. No way! I’d already thought about this, and I couldn’t do it. I’d had the love of my life and I’d be foolish to believe it could happen twice. If I did remarry, I’d be cheating the new woman I pledged to love. I’d be cheating us both because my heart would always belong to Hannah and only to Hannah.

I can see you shaking your head, insisting it isn’t possible. Michael, I know you. I can almost hear your protests. But this is important, so please, please listen. Loving another woman won’t diminish the love we had. Nor does it mean you’ll love me any less. I will always be a part of you and you will remain a part of me.

The thing you must remember is that my life’s journey is over.

Yours isn’t.

You have a lot of living left to do and I don’t want you to waste another moment grieving for me. You made me completely happy, and you’ll make another woman equally so.

I wasn’t sure I agreed with Hannah, wasn’t sure I was capable of loving another woman, not with the same intensity, the same depth. She didn’t understand what she was asking of me. I had no desire for another woman, no desire to share my life with anyone else ever again.

Knowing how stubborn you are, I realize you’re going to require a bit of help, so I’ve compiled a short list of candidates for you to consider.

What? A list? Hannah had supplied me with a list of possible replacements? If it wasn’t so shocking I would’ve laughed. Still, curiosity got the better of me.

Remember Winter Adams, my cousin? She was a bridesmaid in our wedding. Winter has a big heart and she loves children. She’d make you an excellent wife. She’s also a chef and will cook you incredible meals. In addition to being my cousin, she’s been a good friend. I want you to seriously consider her.

Of course I remembered Winter. She and Hannah had been close. We hadn’t seen as much of Winter after she opened her restaurant, the French Café on Blossom Street, not far from my office. Hannah and I had visited the café a few times and enjoyed coffee and croissants. I recalled her keeping in touch with Hannah, mostly by phone. If I remembered correctly, Winter had been going through some relationship crisis shortly before Hannah was diagnosed, and, Hannah, being Hannah, had offered her comfort and encouragement.

Winter had been at the funeral and had doubled over in tears at the cemetery. I hadn’t heard from her since, although I vaguely recalled a sympathy card she’d sent me after we buried Hannah.

I liked Winter, but I wasn’t interested. Despite Hannah’s confidence in her cousin as a potential wife, I had no intention of remarrying. Besides, all Winter and I had in common was our memories of Hannah.

The second woman I want you to consider is Leanne Lancaster.

The name was somewhat familiar, but I couldn’t immediately figure out why. She wasn’t a friend of Hannah’s that I could remember.

Leanne was my oncology nurse. She was always kind to me and so caring. As a nurse she’d have a special understanding of the stresses you face as a physician. Leanne and I talked quite a bit and if I’d…if I’d had the chance, I feel Leanne and I would’ve become good friends. I admire her emotional strength. She’s divorced and had a rough time of it. I don’t know her as well as I do Winter, but my heart tells me she’d suit you. Meet with her, Michael, get to know her. That’s all I ask.

Meet with Leanne…get to know her. I doubt Hannah had an inkling of what she was really asking. I had no interest whatsoever in seeking out this woman. As I thought about it, I realized I did remember the oncology nurse. And Hannah was right. Leanne was a kind and caring person—but that didn’t mean I had any desire to know her better!

The third person on my list is Macy Roth. I don’t think you’ve met her. She’s a part-time model I became friends with while I was still able to work. We met because of some fashion shows I was involved in and some catalog work she did for the store. When Macy learned I was in the hospital she sent me notes of encouragement—cards she made herself with adorable sketches of her cats. Remember? And she knit me socks and a shawl I wore during my chemo. She’s funny and clever and multitalented; she models and paints murals and has two or three other jobs. As I was thinking over this list, her name came to me because I know she’ll make you smile. She’ll bring balance to your life, Michael. I’m afraid that when I’m gone, you’ll become far too serious. I want you to laugh and enjoy life. The same unrestrained way Macy does.

Once again, Hannah was right; I hadn’t laughed much in the past two years. The fact is, I couldn’t remember the last good belly laugh I’d had. Life was serious. I’d lost my wife and, frankly, I didn’t have much reason to smile, let alone laugh.

I didn’t remember this Macy, although no doubt she’d featured in some of Hannah’s stories. As for those gifts—the sketches and socks—they’d be among Hannah’s things, the stuff I’d brought home from the hospital. I’d thrown everything into a box and shoved it in the back of a closet. And I’d never looked at it again.

I’ve given you three names, Michael. Each is someone I know and trust. Any of them would make you a good wife and companion; with any one you could have the children you were meant to father.

I’ll be watching and waiting from heaven’s gate, looking down at you. Choose well.

Your loving wife,Hannah

I folded the sheets and set them on the coffee table while I tried to absorb what I’d read. That Hannah had written this letter when she did was shocking enough. Then for her to suggest I remarry—and go so far as to name three women—was almost more than I could take in.

If she was watching over me, then she had to know what hell this first year without her had been.

I’m not much of a drinking man. A few beers with the guys at a sporting event is generally my limit. All at once I felt a need for something stronger.

I remembered a bottle of Scotch stashed in a cupboard somewhere in the kitchen. My father gave it to me when I graduated, claiming it was for “medicinal” purposes. If ever there was an occasion for a medicinal drink, it was now.

I spent nearly fifteen minutes searching for it. Hannah had stored it in the pantry, the last place I thought to look. Not surprisingly, it turned out to be single malt, since that was what my father drank. His favorite brand, too—The Glenlivet.

Reading the label, I saw that it had been aged eighteen years and I’d had it for at least a decade. None of that ten-year stuff for dear ol’ Dad.

I got a clean glass out of the dishwasher, added ice cubes and poured two fingers of my twenty-eight-year-old Scotch before I settled back down on the sofa. Kicking off my shoes, I rested my feet on the coffee table and reached for Hannah’s letter. I would read it again with an open mind and see if I could possibly respond to her last request. I didn’t think so. Hannah was all the woman I’d ever need. The only woman I’d ever love. I already knew I’d find anyone else sadly lacking—even the three women my wife had so carefully selected for me.

Chapter Three

Wednesday morning I was at the gym by six. Ritchie was on the treadmill, his iPod plugged into his ears, when I stepped onto the machine beside his.

He looked over, saw it was me and stared expectantly. I knew I was in for an inquisition as soon as we entered the locker room. I hadn’t shown up on Monday morning and ignored his phone calls for the past two days. I wasn’t ready to talk about Hannah’s letter, not even to my best friend.

Ritchie finished his routine first. Just as I’d suspected, he was waiting for me in the locker room, sitting on the bench with a towel draped around his neck. He leaned forward, elbows braced on his knees. When I appeared, he glanced up.

“You didn’t return my phone calls,” he said, as if I needed to be reminded.

“I was busy.”

“Doing what?”

I was reluctant to tell him, although I knew that he of all people would understand. “I got drunk on Sunday after I got home,” I admitted. The hangover on Monday had been a killer. From this point forward I was sticking to beer. Maybe my father could handle the strong stuff, but not me.

“Because of Hannah’s letter?”

I nodded and lowered myself onto the bench. I leaned forward, sitting in the same position as my brother-in-law. “Hannah wants me to remarry.”

Ritchie’s eyes widened. “Get outta here.”

My sentiments exactly. “She went so far as to give me a list.”

Ritchie’s mouth sagged open. “A list? You mean of women?”

I nodded again.

“Why would she do that?”

Explaining Hannah’s reason was beyond me. I didn’t understand it, although I’d read the letter a dozen times.

“Hannah seems to think I won’t do well on my own and that I need a wife.” I avoided mentioning that she wanted me to be a father, too.

“She actually gave you a list?” He seemed as shocked as I’d been when I first read the letter.

I didn’t respond.

“Who’s on it? Anyone I know?”

I looked away. “Your cousin, Winter.”

“My cousin?” he repeated.

“Do you know someone else named Winter?” I snapped, sorry now that I’d said anything.

“No,” he said sheepishly. “Who else?”

“Leanne Lancaster. She was Hannah’s oncology nurse.”

“Don’t remember her. What’s she like?”

I wasn’t sure what to tell him. “Quiet. Gentle. A good nurse. Hannah really liked her.”

“No kidding.”

I ignored that.

“Anyone else?”

“Someone I’ve never met. A model she worked with by the name of Macy Roth.”

Ritchie released a low whistle. “A model, you say?”

“Hannah says Macy will give me a reason to laugh again,” I told him, unable to disguise my sarcasm. “And that’s practically a quote.”

My brother-in-law chuckled. “I bet Steph wouldn’t tell me to marry a model if anything happened to her.”

I knew Ritchie was joking; still, I couldn’t let the comment pass. “Just pray to God nothing does.”

My brother-in-law frowned. “It was a joke, Michael. Lighten up, would you?”

He was right; I didn’t need to take every little comment so seriously. “Sorry,” I muttered.

Ritchie nudged me. “You going to do it?”

I shook my head. “I doubt it.”

“Why not?”

The answer should’ve been obvious. “I’m not ready.”

“Will you ever be?”

Good question. “Probably not,” I said honestly. I’d lost my wife, my soul mate. I couldn’t ever forget that or blithely “move on” with my life, as various friends and acquaintances were so fond of telling me I should.

“I thought you’d say that,” Ritchie said. “Hannah knew you’d hibernate for the rest of your life, which is why she forced the issue. My sister loved you and—”

“Listen, Ritchie, I don’t need a lecture.”

“I don’t intend to give you one. Answer one simple question and then I’ll shut up.”

“Okay, fine. Ask away,” I said, resigned to the fact that he wouldn’t leave me alone until he’d said what he wanted to say.

He stared at me for a long intense moment. “Do you suppose it was easy for her to write that letter?”

I sat up straighter.

“What woman wants to think of her husband with someone else?”

“That’s two questions,” I said.

“They’re one and the same,” he argued.

I closed my eyes. Insensitive jerk that I was, I hadn’t given a single thought to what Hannah must’ve been feeling when she wrote the letter.

“If the situation had been reversed, could you have offered up the names of men you’d trust to be her husband?”

I didn’t need any time to think about that one. “No.”

“Me, neither,” Ritchie confessed. “That said, the least you can do is take her letter to heart and get in touch with these women.” He chuckled. “If it was me, I’d start with the model.”

Very funny. It’d been years since I’d asked a woman out. I wouldn’t even know how to go about it. “Dating…me?”

“Dating—you. Sure, why not? You’re young and you’ve got a lot of years left.”

Hannah had said almost the same thing.

“You already know Winter. If you’re more comfortable with her, then give her a call.”

“And say what?” I asked. My fear was that the only subject we had in common was Hannah. If we went to dinner, Hannah was all we’d have to discuss, and we’d both be crying in our soup before the main course was served.

“Hell, I don’t know.”

“I’d want to talk about Hannah.”

Ritchie didn’t seem to think that was so terrible. “So would Winter. They were good friends, even as kids, trading clothes, spending the night at each other’s houses.” He smiled. “Once when we were all in our early teens, our two families went camping. The restroom was clear on the other side of the campground.

“In the middle of the night, I could hear Hannah and Winter whispering that they had to go to the bathroom really bad.” Ritchie’s eyes gleamed with a look of remembered mischief. “Neither of them wanted to make the long trek across the campground so they decided to walk into the woods close to our campsite.”

I knew what was coming.

“I waited until they had their drawers down, then turned my flashlight on them.”

I grinned. Ritchie had always been a practical joker.

“You wouldn’t believe how loud they screamed,” he said, laughing. “I swear they woke up half the campground. People thought there was a black bear on the loose. Those two girls single-handedly caused a panic.”

Years earlier, when we were first dating, Hannah had told me the story. I had to admit it was funny. But the most I could manage now was a weak smile. Maybe she had a point; maybe it was time I found a reason to laugh again.

“Call Winter,” Ritchie urged.

He made it sound easy, but it wouldn’t be. I had no idea what to say, how to approach her. “Do you see her often?”

“Hardly ever,” Ritchie said. “Life’s strange, you know?”

“Tell me about it,” I groaned.

“Our families were close when we were kids and we both live and work in Seattle, but the only time we see each other is at weddings and funerals.”

He winced and I could see he instantly regretted the reminder.

“It’s the same with my cousins,” I said. We’d drifted apart through the years without any intention of doing so. Life got busy and people scattered, and those connections were hard to maintain.

“Give her a call,” Ritchie urged a second time.

If we could talk about Hannah, it might not be so bad.

“Better yet…” Ritchie looked pointedly in my direction.

“What?”

“Stop by her place.”

“Her house?” That seemed rather presumptuous.

“No…that restaurant she has. I can’t think of the name.”

“The French Café,” I told him.

“Right. I remember now. I don’t know why she called it that. Our background’s English, not French.”

My guess was that her reason had to do with the menu. “They serve great croissants.”

That got Ritchie’s notice. “You mean to say you’ve been there?”

“With Hannah. We checked it out a few times. It’s on Blossom Street.”

“Hey, man, that’s not far from here. You could stop by casually on your way to work. If you call her it becomes sort of a big deal. Going to the restaurant would be more natural.”

“You’re right,” I said, my decision made.

“Want me to walk over there with you?”

“No.” I didn’t need my brother-in-law holding my hand. If this worked out, fine—and if not, that was fine, too.

We showered and dressed for the office and headed out. Ritchie’s a chiropractor. His office is north of the downtown area, whereas mine’s just off Fifth. Blossom Street’s a few blocks from there, not that far from Pill Hill where Virginia Mason, Swedish Hospital and several other medical facilities were located.

I took off at a clipped pace. My office opens at eight, so I didn’t have a lot of time—and I wanted to get this over with. I saw the French Café as soon as I rounded the corner of Blossom Street. Two people entered the restaurant as three others came out. The place was doing a brisk morning business. I was happy to see that it was such a success; Hannah would be pleased for her cousin.

I liked the atmosphere with the striped awning and the tables set up outside. I was sure they hadn’t been there on my earlier visits with Hannah. The line was about ten people long when I joined it; I saw that we were being served by one clerk and one cashier. Impatiently, I glanced at my watch. I really didn’t have time and yet I couldn’t make myself walk away. My attention went to the glass case, which displayed a number of baked goods from croissants to doughnuts and sweet rolls. I decided on a latte, along with a croissant.

My mind, however, wasn’t on my order. When I finally reached the counter I felt light-headed and nauseous. “Can I help you?” the clerk asked.

“Coffee and a croissant,” I said quickly. A latte would take too long.

“What size coffee?”

“Uh, medium.”

“Do you want me to leave room for cream?”

“I drink it black,” I said and retrieved my wallet. With my pulse pounding, I asked, “I don’t suppose Winter’s here?” My throat was so dry I could barely speak.

The clerk looked up. “Just a minute and I’ll check for you.”

I could see that the other customers didn’t appreciate me holding everything up, so I stepped aside while the clerk went into the kitchen, taking the opportunity to pay. She returned half a minute later and shook her head. “She isn’t in yet.”

“Oh.” That response sounded incredibly stupid, even to me.

“Would you like to leave her a note?”

“Ah…sure.”

She grabbed a pen and pad and handed them to me. I took them, together with my coffee, and found an empty seat. My coffee was lukewarm before I gave up trying to write anything; I was already late for the office and a cold sweat dampened my brow. This was senseless. I had nothing to say to this woman. Wadded-up sheets of paper littered the tabletop, and I felt pathetic and angry with myself for listening to Ritchie. I should’ve known better.

Eventually I walked back to the counter and returned the empty pad. “Just tell Winter that Dr. Michael Everett stopped by this morning.”

“Will do,” the friendly clerk said.

“Thanks,” I mumbled as I shoved the crumpled sheets in a trash can, then made my way to the door, hoping I wouldn’t run into Winter on Blossom Street.

Feeling I’d wasted my time, I hurried to the office. In our partnership of three—Patrick O’Malley and Yvette Schauer are the other doctors—each of us has our own office and head nurse. Linda Barclay, my nurse, has been with me from the beginning. The rest of the staff is shared—a receptionist, one person who does transcriptions and two all-purpose clerks who also work on forms for insurance companies and government agencies.

Linda looked concerned when I dashed into the office several minutes later than usual. She didn’t ask where I’d been, for which I was grateful. I hadn’t arrived late in so long she must’ve known that whatever delayed me was important. I reached for my white jacket, jerking my arms into the sleeves, and wordlessly headed down the hallway to the exam room, where my first patient waited. I made an effort to push all thoughts of Hannah’s cousin out of my mind and concentrate on my appointments. Nothing out of the ordinary—some vaccinations, checkups, a case of strep throat.

At the end of the day, I stepped into my office to make the phone calls that tend to dominate the late afternoons. That’s when I generally review prescriptions that need to be refilled, read over lab reports and deal with any other messages that require my attention. I often spent two or three hours at my desk after the rest of the staff had left. Since I didn’t have a reason to rush home, it didn’t bother me. The quiet following the hectic pace of the day was a welcome respite.

Several pink message slips were neatly laid out on my desk. I set them aside to look at when everything else was done.

It was after six before I got to the last message. In Linda’s distinctive handwriting it read: Winter Adams phoned. She said it was a private matter. She’d written the phone number below.

Chapter Four

Macy Roth tore through the disorganized mess that was her bedroom. Her Mexican ruffle skirt had to be in here somewhere. She really had to get everything sorted out and she would, she promised herself—one of these days. She tossed discarded clothes aside in a frantic search for the white skirt, moving quickly around the room. Clean sheets, fresh from the dryer, resting on top of her bare mattress meant she’d have to make the bed later, only she wasn’t sure what time she’d be home. The chore she disliked more than any other was making the bed; it always seemed so pointless, since she’d be sleeping in it that night and messing it up all over again. Same went for dishes. Well, it couldn’t be helped. That was just the nature of housework.

“Snowball!” she yelled as her long-haired white cat bounced onto the mattress and snuggled into the mound of clean sheets, luxuriating in their warmth. Waving her arms, Macy cried, “Scat! Get out of here.”

The cat paid no attention, which was fairly typical. The only time Snowball recognized her voice was when Macy called him into the kitchen to eat. “Fine, I’ll change your name.” She’d acquired Snowball as a fluffy white kitten, but he’d turned out to be a male and seemed to object to his name. “I’ll think on it, buddy, okay? Now get out of those sheets.”

Peace, hearing the commotion, raced into the bedroom and leaped onto the bed in a single bound. Lovie followed. Now all three of her cats romped in the dryer-warm sheets, rolling around in the tangled pillowcases. They appeared to be having great fun. If she hadn’t been in such a hurry, Macy would’ve taken time to play with them.

“Do any of you know where I put my skirt?” she asked.

The cats ignored her.

“Did one of you drag it off?” she demanded.

Again she was ignored. “Ungrateful beasts,” she muttered as the oven timer dinged. “The casserole.” Oh, my goodness, she’d forgotten all about it. Hurrying into the kitchen, Macy grabbed the oven mitts and took the dish from the oven. The recipe was a new one and the casserole smelled divine.

She switched off the oven and started toward the back porch, where several piles of laundry awaited her. She really did need to get a handle on her chores and she would—one day. But right now she had to find her white skirt, take the casserole dish over to Harvey and drive to the recording studio. Most important of all, she had to arrive on time. Her job depended on it.

Digging through a pile of dirty clothes, she sighed with relief when she located the skirt. Looking it over, she decided it could stand one more wearing and stepped into it, adjusted the waistband and tucked in her multicolored blouse. All she needed now was her sandals.

On her way to the bedroom, she checked her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Frowning, she ran a brush through her curly red hair and used a clip to sweep one side above her left ear and secure it. She needed a haircut, too, but she couldn’t afford that until she was paid for recording the radio ad. She really, really couldn’t be late again.