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She heard Aidan come up the stairs and scrambled to bury herself under the covers. When the door opened she called out, “What do you want?”
He entered the room, standing next to the door. “We need to talk, Grace.”
“You’re the one with the secrets. Why don’t you start?” she asked sarcastically. She was done trying to be the perfect, caring wife.
“Last night was difficult for you, and again, I’m sorry.”
She wanted to stay buried beneath the duvet, but if he was going to stand there talking, she decided to face him, to not back down or allow any feelings she had left for him sway her. It wasn’t as if she didn’t have anything to say and better to get it over now. She sat up, bracing herself against the mound of pillows. “Aidan, if you’d behaved like my husband and not some philandering shell of a man, you wouldn’t have to apologize. You have singlehandedly destroyed our marriage. I hope you’re proud of what you’ve done.”
She saw the hurt in his eyes, the way his hands shook as he held them against his face. “That was mean of me, but you deserved it,” she said, swinging her feet over the side of the bed while hugging the duvet close to her body, realizing, as she looked at her feet, that she was still dressed in the clothes she’d worn yesterday.
“You’re right. But we have to talk. I called the lawyer this morning, and he wants to know if we’re going to be in Spartanburg sometime this week to settle the estate.”
“What do you want me to do about it? She’s your daughter. And her mother was your lover,” she said sarcastically.
“She is our daughter, and she’s going to be part of our lives. I want to talk this over with you. I need to have your support on this.”
“My support?” She gawked. “You think after everything you’ve done that you’re entitled to my support?”
“You’re my wife, and you will be Emma’s mother.”
“Aidan! Wake up! I am not Emma’s mother and I’m not your wife. You made sure of that.” She couldn’t look at the sorrowful expression on his face any longer. Instead, she focused on the embroidered edge of the duvet.
“Grace, Emma is my daughter. I can’t abandon her now that her mother is gone.”
“Aidan, you’re not being fair. How long have I waited to have a baby, to share every bit of the experience with you? And now there’s this...this child, who will remind me every single day of my life that my husband has been unfaithful, appears and I’m supposed to be her stand-in mother?”
Grace balled her fingers into fists. “You should have been honest with me. About the affair and about this child. You knew the truth when we were at the lawyer’s office. And again you didn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth.”
Aidan rushed to the side of the bed and knelt in front of her. “I should have. I know that. And I have no explanation other than my own stupidity, my need not to have you angry at me. But now there is a child in our lives who just lost her mother and who will be going through a terrible time. I can’t leave her to deal with that without me. I—I can’t.”
His gaze implored her to understand. “I realize that this is a lot for you to understand and accept, but Emma needs me...needs us.” He took her hand in his, his fingers gently stroking the soft skin of her wrist. “I can’t imagine what life will be like for Emma now that her mother is gone. She’s only four and she is going to be alone if we don’t help her.”
“Why do you keep saying we?” Grace asked, feeling her throat tighten.
“If you’d come with me, you’d have a chance to see her and offer your caring and support. Grace, you’re the most loving and kind person on the planet. And there is a little girl in need of everything you have to offer. Don’t pass up the chance to help her because of the mistakes I made. Don’t make her life more miserable because of something I did. I will do anything you ask if you will come to Spartanburg with me.”
Grace looked into his eyes and saw the truth of his words. He wanted to go to his daughter, and she wanted him to go. Despite her hurt and her fear of how this child would change their lives, she wanted him to go to his little girl. She wanted the little girl to have all the support and understanding possible. But Grace could not go there with him. Couldn’t act as if nothing had happened, as if her life hadn’t been tossed in the garbage by the man who claimed to love her.
Yet, he had a point; there was a child who needed all the support she could give. “Why do you need me? There must be other people to help out. People she already knows. People who love her. What about Deidre’s friends?”
“I don’t know who Deidre’s friends are, but the only way I can find out is to go back to Spartanburg.”
That he would be unfaithful to her after all they’d been through, after all the time they’d loved each other—it still was inconceivable that he would have been with someone else.
And he had the audacity to expect her to be supportive of him while he went to visit his daughter.
“Everything I thought we were working toward, every dream we’d had about a family ended last evening. I’m the one who can’t conceive. I am the one who is infertile. Even if we could reconcile, I would never be able to give you a child.” She struggled to keep the ugly tears in check. “You can’t expect me to go along as if nothing has changed between us.”
Aidan sighed deeply. “I promise you, Grace, that if you go with me, I will do whatever you ask where we are concerned. I don’t pretend to understand how you feel, but I will respect any decision you make once you’ve seen Emma. It’s clear we need time to work on our problems. I won’t deny that. But I also want you to see this little girl.”
“Why are you so fixated on this, Aidan? A few days won’t matter. You’re a complete stranger to this child. You could simply upset her. What good would that do?”
“I hope that doesn’t happen, but if it does, I’ll find a way to deal with it,” Aidan said, his eyes not meeting hers.
Suddenly she felt a cold sensation around her heart. She was alone in all this misery. Aidan didn’t understand what he was asking of her or he would never have asked it. He would have known how painful it would be for her to face the child he’d conceived with another woman.
But, most of all, she felt alone because he had a whole new focus in his life. He had a daughter, and his eagerness to see her made Grace feel invisible...unimportant.
Yet deep down, a part of her longed to see this child—a little girl who, through no fault of her own, had been thrust into their lives. What would it be like if, somehow, they could work things out between them and Aidan took over his little girl’s life? How would holidays, like Christmas or Easter, be if Emma was with them, was an integral part of their lives? It was so easy to imagine those moments, moments Grace had already dreamed of, lived for all these years.
She’d dreamed of feeling moments of pure joy with her child. With Emma in their lives, there would be wonderful events—the miracle of Christmas and the Christ child being real and present in their lives.
There was a little girl who, regardless of how it had come about, would become a part of their lives...if only they could resolve their differences. Grace struggled with fear and so many other emotions. How could she mother another woman’s child when that child would trigger suspicions about her husband’s behavior? Grace would always wonder what he was doing, what he was really feeling, whenever she looked at the child he’d had with someone else. Grace had been living that way these past few weeks, and it had been unbearable. “Aidan, if we are going together to see Emma, I need you to tell me that that you aren’t hiding anything more from me.”
He nodded his head vigorously, his face tight with anxiety.
“Are you sure you’re telling me everything about your relationship with Deidre? How am I to believe that you weren’t in touch with her these past four years? Because it just doesn’t make sense to me. What woman would spend the money to prove who the father of her child was without ever telling him about it?”
“I have no idea why Deidre did what she did. But I swear to you, I had no contact with her.”
“And you and Deidre haven’t been seeing each other?”
“Grace, I have not seen Deidre since those two days five years ago. I’ve done a lot of things wrong, but I want to get this right. What I said last night about Emma being my child is only partly true. You’re my wife. I love you. And this is our child. I can’t help but believe that your faith in God had something to do with this child entering our lives.”
“What? You’re not making sense.”
“We love each other. We’ve tried everything to have a baby. And I’m really sorry that Deidre died. She was essentially a good person, but her passing has given us the gift we’ve been dreaming of for years. It may not have happened in quite the way either of us wanted, but it is a chance for us to start our family.”
She had always been a practicing Christian. She believed in God’s will and his plan for her and her life. Could it be that Aidan was right? Was this how God worked in their lives? She wasn’t sure. “Do you think it is possible?”
He nodded. “I do.”
Seeing the anguish on his face, Grace clasped his hand, her love for him reawaking within her. This was a very difficult situation, and they would be a long time working through it, but if they could... She leaned across the bed to touch him and tried to forget her fears and her suspicions.
If they were going to make their marriage work once again, she had to accept what had happened. If, in the end, they couldn’t work things out, she had to be certain that she’d done what she could to save her marriage. “I’ll go with you to see Emma.”
He kissed her hand, a long sigh escaping his lips. “You will not regret this. I promise you that we will do this together.”
CHAPTER FOUR (#u16d8bb65-e11f-5402-86e0-db9f7039bb53)
THEY PACKED A few things and started out of town just as the sun began to warm the air. Grace couldn’t help but feel anxious. As much as she wanted to support Aidan and Emma, she was still in shock over what had occurred in such a short time. Doubt and betrayal continued to circle her thoughts, refusing to leave regardless of how she tried to think of God’s will.
She felt suspended, dislocated, since the lawyer had called. The news that Aidan would now be responsible for his daughter didn’t seem to be real, despite her earlier hope. “How are we going to make this all work?” she asked.
“To be honest, I’m still trying to figure out why Deidre didn’t tell me.”
“Maybe she never intended that you find out.”
“But why? All those meetings we held to discuss the operational issues of her company back five years ago, I thought I knew her. At least a little bit. I never pictured her as someone who would hide such important information from anyone, let alone me.”
“What do you mean by that?” Grace asked, feeling uneasy.
He glanced over at her. “I mean that she seemed so upright, so honest and caring. I’m surprised, that’s all.”
“How can you call her upright and honest? She went to bed with another woman’s husband. How can you defend that behavior?”
“Sorry that didn’t come out the way I intended. I meant in relation to her work.”
His supportive words for this woman were disconcerting. She searched for something to focus on as her stomach rose into her throat. “Did you make a reservation for us for tonight?”
“No. I didn’t think of it. But we can do that easily when we get there.”
Aidan drove carefully through the city streets toward the highway leading out of town toward Spartanburg. “Grace, I have been so busy building up my company, making plans for us, for when we have a family, that I didn’t take in what it would really mean to have a child in our lives. But now that this little girl needs us, it’s as if we’re being given a chance to have what we always dreamed of. I want to be there for her.”
A part of her didn’t really care how he felt, but she tried to sound interested if only to keep the conversation going. “You have a lot to think about if you’re going to give her a good home, so much planning needs to be done.”
He squeezed her hand. “Thank you.”
He sighed and smiled at her, making her heart do a funny flip-flop in her chest. She wanted to go home, to pretend none of this was happening, to go back to the way things had been before that first phone call from Larry Knowles.
“It’s just that there is so much to think about—”
He squeezed her hand a little tighter. “Stop worrying. We’ll figure it all out together. We’ll see how Emma is doing when we get to the house. The nanny will be there and probably a couple of Deidre’s closest friends.”
“Do you know where Deidre lives... I mean, lived?” Grace asked, wondering how he would have known if he hadn’t seen her since the end of the affair over five years ago. “She might have moved since you were last here.”
He gripped the wheel, his eyes skirting hers. “Mr. Knowles told me she lived in the same house as when I knew her.”
Reality crashed down on Grace, billowing around her like an unwanted mist. Memories of those lonely nights when she’d waited for Aidan to come home, to make love to her, praying that this time there would be a baby for them. Believing his absence meant he was building a future for their family.
She had awoken this morning hoping it was all a terrible dream, not real. Just before the pain rushed her, reminding her of the loss of trust, the ache of knowing her husband had slept with another woman.
She believed in marriage, had been raised in a home where vows of any kind were taken seriously, and none more than the marriage vow. She wanted to take him back and put her whole heart into forgetting the past. They had married right out of college and had had their share of disagreements like any couple, but never something like this.
Her hurt, her soul-deep wounds prevented her from forgetting anything. And she doubted they would allow her to forgive.
There were so many questions and so few answers. Why had Deidre chosen not to tell Aidan about Emma when she was alive? Wouldn’t she have wanted her daughter to be close to her dad and his family? Why had she left everything to Aidan on the condition that he accept Emma into his life and become her dad?
Grace couldn’t imagine any woman who would have behaved that way. She certainly wouldn’t have. She would have insisted that the child’s father share in the responsibility for caring for and raising it. She would want her daughter to have all the love and support possible, regardless of how she felt about the father. So how could Deidre not be in touch with Aidan and still expect him to step in as parent?
None of this made any sense...
“Grace, honey, time to wake up,” Aidan said softly.
“What?” she asked, suddenly awake. After not sleeping for days, the smooth motion of the car had lulled her to sleep. Sitting up straight, she glanced out the window at the quiet boulevard basking in the midmorning sun. “Should I put Deidre’s address into the GPS?”
“No. We’re only a few minutes away from her house.”
It was humiliating to realize that her husband had been to Deidre’s home. Had they made love in her bedroom? Grace’s stomach sank, pressing into her backbone. Of course they had. They wouldn’t have needed to hide out in a hotel room to carry on their affair when Deidre’s home was available and waiting.
Grace closed her eyes, trying to resist the image of her husband and Deidre making love in the home she was about to enter. A sharp ache close to her heart made her grit her teeth. She couldn’t wait to get away from the place. The ache of betrayal reminded her of what had gone on without her knowing. “We...we need a reservation for tonight.”
“I’ll look after that once we’ve seen Emma. I’m worried about how she’ll react to us appearing in her life right now...” He turned right onto a tree-lined street, weaving through the many twists and turns of a roadway designed to slow traffic around homes whose gabled entrances, brick exteriors and long, elegant windows spoke of wealth and prestige.
Grace shrank into the seat, suddenly wishing she hadn’t come with Aidan. She didn’t want to see this house, this place where her husband had made love to another woman—a woman he hadn’t admitted having a fling with until circumstances forced him to do so. The car slowed as Aidan pulled into a driveway surrounded by a hedge that protected the house from the street, the massive gardens sweeping toward the entrance, flashing bright red and yellow flowers of all sizes and shapes. Following the curve of the driveway, they stopped in front of a massive dark wood door.
“We’re here,” Aidan said, turning off the engine. “Are you okay?” he asked, turning to her his eyes filled with concern. “I realize that this isn’t easy for you,” he murmured, taking her hand in his and kissing her fingers. “If you’d rather, I can go in first, if it would make it easier for you...”
Her heart hammered against her rib cage. Could she go in there? Could she face a little girl who was about to be part of their life? If they stayed married, of course.
She glanced around, hoping to see other vehicles along the circular drive. There weren’t any. It had been several weeks since Deidre’s passing, and yet Grace had expected to see evidence that people were still coming to check on a little girl who had lost her mommy. Where were all this woman’s friends? Or didn’t she have any?
The tragic way Deidre had died should have meant that her friends were taking turns caring for her daughter. She took a deep breath. “I’m not sure I can do this. Go into the house where you slept with another woman. It’s not fair.”
“It’s all right if you can’t. You’ve come this far with me, more than I expected or deserved.”
At least he acknowledged her perspective. No, she couldn’t go inside. Yet...she was drawn to see this little girl, this child who was dealing with so much. “Let’s get this over. Maybe the nanny isn’t home. Maybe she took Emma to friends’ or to the library,” Grace said, the knot in her stomach hardening.
Without a word, Aidan came around to her door, opened it and took her hand in that reassuring way of his. Suddenly she felt faint. “I’m not sure I can do this, Aidan.”
He squeezed her fingers. “You can. I’m right here if you need me.” He took her hand and led her to the imposing front door, his fingers pressing the doorbell as his eyes held hers. “This will all be okay. I promise you. We’ll be okay.”
The door opened and a tall woman with dark hair and penetrating brown eyes greeted them. “You must be Aidan Fellowes. I recognize you from the photo. Come on in,” she offered, leading the way into the formal living room to the right of the entrance hall.
“I am, and this is my wife, Grace,” Aidan said, his arm coming around Grace’s shoulders.
The woman’s expression was one of kindness. “I’m Emma’s nanny, Lisa Gomez. I’ve cared for Emma since she was born.”
She pointed to the sofa opposite the fireplace. “I’m aware of Deidre’s intentions concerning Emma, and I want you to know I approve of them. A child should be with her father in a situation like this. Emma has a lovely photo of you, Mr. Fellowes.”
Grace sat on the edge of the sofa her mind reeling. A photo of Aidan? She turned to Lisa. “You have a photo of my husband. Why?”
Lisa glanced quizzically at Aidan before she answered. “He is Emma’s father. Deidre wanted Emma to be able to recognize her father. Deidre’s company worked closely with his company, and I’m sure they stayed in touch through work, although she never said as much.”
Lisa raised her eyebrows, her gaze resting on Grace’s face, a look of understanding dawning on her face. “I’m terribly sorry, Mrs. Fellowes. I don’t know why, but I thought Aidan was single when he and Deidre met...”
Aidan had sworn he hadn’t been involved in Deidre’s business after the affair. He’d claimed Lucas looked after anything Deidre’s company needed. Was that the truth? Had her husband been here since that weekend? Was she the only one who didn’t know what was going on? Had Aidan and Lucas both hidden the truth from her? Lucas wouldn’t do that, of that she was certain.
Tears burned Grace’s eyes. She fought to regain her equilibrium, deciding to say nothing more to this woman. Her hands clammy, her breath coming in short gasps, she struggled to stay in this room and listen to what was being said. Her eyes sought the door. Her body tensed as she placed her feet firmly on the floor in front of her. “Could I see the photo of my husband?”
“That’s not necessary,” Aidan said.
“I’d like to see the photo of my husband,” she said, suspicion writhing through her at Aidan’s objection.
Lisa left the room and came back a few minutes later, holding the framed photo out to Grace. “Deidre wanted Emma to understand that she had a dad who didn’t live with them. Deidre wanted her to see what her dad looked like.”
Grace searched the photo for clues as to where it had been taken...a park somewhere. She didn’t recognize the photo or the place, but the smile on Aidan’s face was playful and open. How could he have been looking that way if their relationship was a quick hookup, a fling, as he’d described it? And why had they been in a park she didn’t recognize? “I thought you had no role in Emma’s life, that you knew nothing about her until the lawyer called,” she said, seething.
