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And all the while, her mother had been alive.
“What I want? I want my family…my mother, anyone who can tell me who I am. My whole life I believed there was some terrible secret buried in my past.”
Was there a dark secret involving her birth parents? Had they been criminals? Were they fugitives when her father died in the car accident? Why had no one come looking for her?
If there wasn’t something to be ashamed of, why hadn’t her adoptive parents told her Carolyn Lewis was alive? Why had they let her grow up without knowing the truth?
She’d often attempted to ask her mom and dad about her past, but each time they gave the same answer. There was no reason for her to concern herself with that sort of thing. This was always followed by their usual argument—they’d waited so long for her, they’d loved her before they’d even set eyes on her.
The desire to please her parents and to avert her mother’s onslaught of tears at the mention of her birth parents had stopped Lisa from seeking answers. Their attitude had increasingly made her feel set apart, isolated in the midst of her parents’ love.
“I can’t explain their decision, Lisa, but I had to respect their wishes.”
“All my questions could have been answered so easily.”
“Yes, they probably could have, but the past can’t be changed,” Tank said gently.
Her voice thick with loss and longing for what might have been, she whispered, “So, my dad—my birth father—died in a car accident, right?”
Tank nodded. “Grant Lewis died in a collision, and your mother, Carolyn Lewis, is somewhere in Florida…we believe.”
“Does Carolyn—I mean, my mother—know where I live?”
Tank sat up straighter. “Your parents didn’t say. I arranged your adoption, but I don’t have much information beyond the fact that your mother was in Florida at that time. I’ve taken the liberty of hiring Mason to find your mother.”
“Mason?”
“Mason does my investigative work, and he’s completely reliable,” Tank said, a sheepish look in his clear blue eyes.
“Is Mason the right person to do this? He was a great cop, and I’m sure he’s a good P.I….” But she couldn’t care less about his credentials at the moment. She and Mason just didn’t fit together, as lovers or as friends.
“Lisa, Mason’s had a rough time with his old partner in the P.I. firm. He’s had to start at the bottom and rebuild the business. He’s worked hard.”
“Yes, I heard about Stewart taking off with company money.”
“Mason still has great contacts in the law-enforcement business. If you want to locate your mother as quickly as possible, he can do it for you. Trust me. I’ll see to it that your interests are protected.”
“You spoke to him before talking to me about this?” she asked, annoyed that she hadn’t been consulted first but remaining polite. Being polite and courteous was her mother’s legacy.
He nodded.
“I don’t want Mason involved in my personal business.” There were a dozen reasons she didn’t want Mason around, beginning with the fact that he already knew too much about her.
“Lisa, I realize that you and Mason had your difficulties, but he will be discreet.”
She sat there, the knowledge that her mother was still alive filtering through her mind, and suddenly felt hopeful, ready to take on her new circumstances.
If working with Mason meant finding her birth mother as quickly as possible, she was willing to ignore the past. Besides, Mason was a very capable investigator. Better the devil you know, she mused. “Are you sure Mason wants to do this?”
“Mason has agreed to start immediately, and the sooner the search is under way, the sooner you can meet your birth mother…. If you want to go ahead with it, that is.”
Regardless of past differences, Mason would respect her privacy. “What matters most is finding my mother.”
“Thatta girl,” Tank said, relief evident on his face as he went to the door.
“Come in, Mason.”
Mason walked to the chair next to Lisa and sat down, putting him within touching distance. But touching him was out of the question. She edged away.
She listened while Tank ran through the provisions of the will, including funds set aside for locating Carolyn Lewis. Yet it was as if they were talking about someone she had no real connection with—and she didn’t. Not yet.
But that was a situation she planned to resolve, with or without Mason’s help. Still, as she listened to Tank, she caught herself hoping that she and Mason would be able to work together. Mason had always been a man of his word, someone she could rely on. It was one of his best qualities, as far as her parents were concerned. And he’d made her feel safe, which had seemed so contradictory, given his pull-out-all the-stops attitude toward life.
Seeing the concentration on his face, the way he was so comfortable in his own skin, his powerful hands resting on the arms of the chair, she was aware of how easy it would be to rely on him once again.
“This would be a professional relationship, nothing more,” she told him after Tank had finished his explanation.
“What other kind of relationship is there?” he asked with the barest hint of a smile on his face.
Those words reminded her of other words, earlier words, spoken in another time and place, laced with anger and pain. “None that fits this particular situation,” she said, tucking her arms against her body.
And yet, what they’d shared had been so special, so much a part of her dreams. When she’d been with Mason, everything had seemed possible. She didn’t want to admit that she still felt tiny pinpricks of regret. Had they made a huge mistake in letting their relationship go?
No, Mason dared to dream big, take risks…and in the end, she couldn’t see herself in a world like that.
He leaned toward her, his gaze direct, uncompromising. “Lisa, you don’t have to worry. I will not let our past interfere with doing my job. You need my professional help, and you can depend on me to deliver.”
Trapped by his gaze, she fought to hide her sadness that somehow their relationship had gone so wrong, so quickly. “I appreciate that,” she said. “And I am counting on it.”
MASON’S GUT ACHED seeing Lisa sitting there, so close yet out of reach. It hurt to hear her voice, so soft and sure, a voice that had once been a beacon of stability for him.
The blue of her eyes drew him into her space with the promise of how much she cared for those she loved—and a few years ago he’d been one of those lucky people.
Meeting her eyes, he reminded himself how different they were in their approach to life. How those differences had meant the end of their relationship.
She wanted certainty and being able to rely on a future bright with contented sameness. She didn’t seem to have the capacity to cope with change. And nothing he’d said had altered her position.
He could finally admit that as he sat next to her.
Lisa’s determination to maintain the status quo had been one thing, but it had been her refusal to consider having a family that had sounded the death knell for any future together.
He hadn’t understood her back then and he still didn’t. Lisa had every advantage in life, while he’d worked for everything he had. Yet she was afraid to take a chance on life, on him or anything outside her predictable world.
Meanwhile, he’d found a comfortable level of enjoyment, if not outright happiness, in his life after Lisa, even after his failed marriage. Despite the changes in his life, he’d often thought of her, if she’d found her own happiness without him.
But watching Lisa now forced him to admit how lonely she was, how much of an emotional blow learning about her birth mother had been. He’d been well aware of how deeply she’d yearned to know her birth parents, to be part of a family she could call her own, not those stiff-necked relatives on her mother’s side.
When Tank had initially filled him in on the case, Mason had believed that Alice and Jim Clarke’s actions were cruel, especially considering that they’d known better than anyone how lonely Lisa had been all these years.
Given the complication of his and Lisa’s past and its potential influence on the case, he had wanted to turn down the job, but the sad truth was that he needed the money to get his business on a sound financial footing. He would hardly be seen as anybody’s hero by including his financial welfare as part of his reason for taking Lisa’s case. But he had to get his finances straightened out if he was going to be able to provide for his son, Peter.
And the retainer from Lisa’s case would cover his agency’s expenses for at least a month—enough time to expand his client list.
In addition to the advantages a cash retainer gave his struggling agency, there was another issue, a much more fundamental one. If Lisa had to learn bad news about her birth mother, he owed it to her to be the one to tell her. She probably wouldn’t agree that he was the best person to do it, but seeing her brought forward feelings he’d never admitted to anyone. Not even to himself. When they were together, he’d wanted to be the one she turned to, the one she could trust. He’d blown it then, but now he had the chance to make it up to her.
Before he’d walked in here today he’d convinced himself he could handle this job. Sitting there now, seeing her obvious distress, made him a little less sure.
“Lisa, I won’t take the case if it makes you uncomfortable.”
She started to say something, then caught herself. “I want you to find my mother,” she said, determination flowing through every word.
“I’ll do whatever I can,” he responded, seeing how tightly she gripped the arms of the chair. At least she wasn’t doing her best to ignore him the way she had the few times they’d met over the past five years.
Lisa had been a dutiful, loving daughter to her parents, the same parents who’d let her down. Lisa’s dedication to them was one of the reasons he’d been attracted to her in the beginning. Lisa had never failed to organize birthday parties for her mom and dad. She’d once told him that one of her reasons for becoming a nurse was to be there for them when they needed nursing care.
Although Lisa seemed to be accepting the loss of her mother quite well, Mason knew that deep down she had to be hurting. Easing her pain was another justification for doing what he could to help her.
“Thank you,” she said.
Seeing the apprehension on her face, he ached to take her into his arms. But what would be the point? He didn’t need the grief of revisiting an old relationship and all the mistakes lurking there. With Lisa, he’d made the kind of mistakes that couldn’t be undone.
“Great. Now that Mason’s on board, we’re all set,” Tank said. “Lisa, I’ll keep you informed of Mason’s progress on the case.”
“So that’s it? There’s nothing left to do?” Lisa asked in a calm voice.
“Only to wait for Mason’s report,” Tank said, turning his attention to Mason.
Taking that as his cue to get on with the job, Mason stood. “I’ll be in touch.”
He’d almost made it to the door when he heard her.
“Mason, I need to speak to you.”
Tank gave a nervous chuckle. “Then I’ll leave you two young people alone.” Tank was up and out the door before either of them could respond.
Lisa came toward Mason, her back straight. She was, as usual, immaculately groomed. Not a strand of her highlighted blond hair had escaped from her ponytail. Her pearl earrings matched her pearl-drop necklace. Her short black skirt showed off her legs as she moved.
“What can I do for you?” he asked, trying to ignore the memory of how right she felt in his arms, how the perfume she always wore made his blood run hot.
“When you locate my mother, I expect you to call me immediately. I want to see her as soon as I can.”
Hope shone from her eyes, but Mason had worked in missing persons and knew the devastation hope could cause when the search turned sour.
“I understand how you feel, but have you considered that this might not be a positive experience? Maybe your parents didn’t tell you about your birth mother for a good reason.”
Shock darkened her eyes. She lifted her chin. “I don’t care what the reasons are. If she’s alive, I’m going to meet her.”
He saw the purposeful set to her jaw, but pressed on, anyway. “Lisa, sometimes there are things we’re better off not uncovering.”
“Not in this case. If I’d been told about my mother, I would’ve found her years ago.” She worked her fingers through the strap of her black leather bag, her eyes holding his. “My mother deserves to know who I am, what I’ve become. That I turned out just fine…without her.”
Her voice dropped to an emphatic whisper. “I need to meet her.”
He recognized something in her eyes he’d only seen when they’d talked about his chaotic life growing up in a family of six kids.
Naked longing.
“You’re hoping you have a sister or a brother.”
A whimper of protest slipped past her lips, and her eyes widened. “Please find my mother as soon as possible.”
It wasn’t as if he was flush with cases. And with that look in her eyes, it wouldn’t have mattered, anyway. “I’ll make this my priority.”
He saw her reach for him, then pull back. He understood that her reaching out was an act of relief rather than any caring for him. But he’d taken away her reason to care with his impulsive behavior. He’d do what he could to support her through this. He owed her that much.
The breakup had been his fault because in his shock and anger at her insistence that she didn’t want children he’d said some pretty nasty things about her selfishness, her stubbornness and the cold heart she had to have not to want to share her life with a child. He’d regretted his words afterward, but it was too late to take them back. He could never heal the hurt he’d seen in her eyes, and he’d never been able to erase that look from his mind. “Here’s my business card and cell number. Call me anytime.”
“Thank you,” she said, and for the first time since he’d entered the room a smile raised the corners of her mouth.
As she turned to leave, Mason wished they could somehow connect, despite everything that had gone wrong between them. He needed her appreciation, her respect, as much now as he had back then.
Back when they’d loved each other, he had believed she could change—that loving Lisa the way he had would give her the courage to take a chance on their love, their future together.
He’d learned the hard way that Lisa Clarke wouldn’t risk her emotionally safe way of life, regardless of what was at stake.
CHAPTER TWO
SEEING MASON HAD BEEN unsettling to say the least. Trying to overcome the crazy and confusing emotions his return to her life had created, Lisa spent the next two weeks, in between shifts at the hospital, working on all the estate paperwork and financial issues that still had to be dealt with.
Tank was right—money would not be a problem for her, which meant she was free to do whatever it took to locate her birth mother.
Despite her earlier misgivings, the idea that her mother might be out there somewhere filled her with excitement and hope for the future.
She missed her adoptive mother a great deal, but Alice’s overprotective and fearful attitude had been a source of anxiety in Lisa’s life.
Although Alice Clarke had never said it in so many words, Lisa had understood that as much as her mother loved her, she hadn’t been at ease with raising her. Children were cause for concern. Children were accidents waiting to happen.
But what her adoptive mother had done or not done was in the past. The important thing now was to hear from Mason about Carolyn Lewis. How would it feel to see the woman who’d given birth to her? What would her mother look like and how would she sound?
There were moments she couldn’t believe Carolyn was still alive. That the morning in Tank’s office had been a dream.
When Alice became ill, Lisa had given up her apartment and moved home to manage her mother’s care with the help of a home nurse. This morning, finding it difficult to sleep in her parents’ empty house, Lisa went to work early for her day shift at Duke Medical.
Two years ago, she’d left her job as a nurse in the emergency department to go to the pediatric unit to better understand why children made her so anxious. Despite her initial fear she had been surprised at how much she enjoyed working in pediatrics. When a position had opened up for head nurse of the unit, she’d cranked up her courage and applied. A month ago she’d gone in for the interview and she was hopeful. If she got the job it would be proof that she could be responsible for a child—at least of their physical needs. Whether or not she could tend to their emotional needs by coming to grips with her own feelings was still unlikely. But it was a step in the right direction and she was proud of how far she’d gotten in the process.
Although she defended her decision not to have her own children that night in the restaurant to Mason, his words had had an impact.
And her time in the pediatric ward had forced her to face the root of her anxieties. Sure, her mother had influenced how she behaved around kids, but the real reason was Linda Jean Bemrose and the night the little girl had nearly died when Lisa was babysitting. All because she’d been talking on the phone instead of watching Linda Jean.
