How Not To Be Starstruck

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‘Excuse me?’ I ask, standing up and trying to subtly pull my dress back down over my lower half. ‘First of all, I haven’t shagged anyone,’ I yell. ‘And second of all, I was very drunk last night, and you knew that, and I didn’t want to kiss you, and you knew that too. OK, I might have kissed you back for a second but, as drunk as I was, I still came to my senses. Get the fuck over it!’

It’s amazing how a little bit of anger brings out my inner northern monkey.

Mark looks gobsmacked. Friend or not, I probably shouldn’t upset the celebrities, but how dare he call me a slapper? If I had shagged him down that alley, he probably wouldn’t be calling me any names.

‘Do what you want, write what you want, shag who you want!’ he shouts, leaving the room and slamming the door behind him.

There are hundreds of girls queuing up outside the venue right now and, despite being a podgy arsehole in need of a good wash and a shave, he could probably have his pick of any of them. Why waste his time getting angry at me?

My eyes start to feel heavy and a huge tear falls from my right eye, rolling down my face and stripping my skin of every ounce of make-up that dares to stand in its path. I wipe it quickly and grab my foundation from my bag. I can’t let anyone see me crying.

I should be buzzing after kissing Luke. Instead, I am sitting in a backstage room, all on my own, sobbing because some C-list bassist just called me a slapper.

As I smarten myself up and retouch my make-up, I take yet another long, hard look in the mirror. Tonight is going to be a long night.

Chapter Twelve (#ulink_042e0de2-8d66-5854-9915-1aab99a0deb5)

The Skanky Groupies

After an awesome performance (including an encore), I am clapping and screaming just as much as any other fan in the room – maybe more so.

‘Are you their mascot?’ a handsome older man asks me, nodding in the direction of the hideous orange dress I forgot I was wearing.

‘Not exactly,’ I tell him with a giggle. ‘It’s a funny story really.’

‘I hope you’re going to tell me it.’

‘To summarise...’ I take a deep breath. ‘I am touring with the band, to write a magazine feature, but I forgot my bag and I spilt a drink on my pretty dress, so Luke, the drummer, was kind enough to give me this to wear.’

‘Wow, he must hate you!’ the stranger says, insulting my dress.

‘I know, right? What a bastard!’

He laughs.

‘You said you’re writing a feature on the band? I’m here to write a review for the local paper,’ he informs me.

‘Oops! Did I say he was a bastard? Because what I mean to say is what a wonderful band this is, and how you should definitely give them a good review!’

‘Don’t worry, I’m impressed. My name is Kenny by the way.’

‘Nice to meet you, Kenny.’ I shake his hand, ‘I’m Nicole.’

‘It’s nice to meet you too. Can I buy you a drink? We can swap notes.’

The band have only just finished and I know I’m going to be on my own while they do promo and meet fans, so I agree and we take a seat at the bar. Kenny seems like a nice guy and he’s a music reviewer for the local press so I’m sure I can learn a thing or two from him.

‘I think your friend is worried about you,’ Kenny tells me, gesturing towards Luke with a swift movement of his eyes.

I glance over and he’s right, Luke is giving us a filthy look.

‘He needn’t be worried, I’m more interested in him than I am in you, darling,’ he says with a wink.

Poor Luke, if only he knew.

‘I’ll put in a good word for you,’ I tell Kenny, winking right back at him.

‘Don’t worry about it, I think he’s got his eye on someone else in this room and I think we both know who that is.’

I smile, but then something catches my eye.

‘Excuse me for a moment,’ I say, making my way over to the band.

The guys are surrounded by fans, but there’s this one girl who caught my eye because she is wearing the same orange T-shirt as me.

I tap her on the shoulder. ‘Don’t you just hate it when someone wears the same outfit as you?’

‘It looks better on you,’ she replies with an unconvincing smile.

‘Are you trying to meet the band?’ I ask.

‘Trying.’ She holds up a poster. ‘I wanted them to sign this but it’s like I’m invisible.’

‘I’m a friend of theirs, I’ll get them to sign it.’

Taking the poster and marker pen, I start with Luke.

‘Can you sign this for that lovely girl over there?’ I ask him.

‘Sure. Who’s that guy you’re with?’

‘A journalist, so be nice,’ I warn him.

Ben signs the poster next, and thankfully he gets Mark to sign it too. If I’d asked, he probably would have told me to piss off. Now all I need is Eddie, and skanky groupies are his favourite thing so it’s going to be tough getting his attention. I push my way through a girl gang and hook my arm around Eddie’s. You’ve got to get territorial and show them who is boss, it’s the only way a girl can survive in this environment.

‘Eddie, baby, could you sign this for my friend please?’

‘Anything for you, Miss Wilde,’ he says, taking the pen and signing over his face on the poster. ‘Give me a kiss,’ he says before puckering up, and I’m not sure who he’s showing off for but I’m happy to help.

‘No way, I know where that mouth has been,’ I tease as I reach for the poster, but he holds it out of my reach and makes kissy noises at me.

I peck him on the lips and give the girls a friendly smile before taking the poster and making my way back towards my new friend.

‘Ta-da,’ I say, handing her the poster along with a plectrum, a wristband and some stickers. ‘And here’s a few bits from the merch stand too.’

Bless her, she looks so happy. It really bugs me that Eddie only gives attention to the girls he fancies. It’s girls like this who pay his wages, not the ones who are only here to try and sleep with him.

I head back over to the bar where Kenny is sitting.

‘I saw what you did. You’re a real sweetheart, aren’t you, Nicole?’

‘Oh, I do try,’ I say with a laugh, just as Luke appears.

I introduce them and Luke shakes Kenny’s hand. I’m surprised he isn’t doing more to soften up the guy who will be reviewing him for the entire city of Birmingham to read.

Luke tells me that they’ve got to head back to the hotel for an interview, which I’m guessing is my cue to say goodbye to my new best friend and go with them.

‘Kenny, do you want to come and have a drink in the hotel bar?’ I ask. ‘I want to hear more of your stories, and if these guys are doing an interview I’ll only have to sit and watch.’

‘I’d love to,’ Kenny replies, clearly annoying Luke by doing so.

‘Right, well we’re going now so if you’re coming get a move on,’ Luke tells us, so we knock back the remainder of our drinks and follow his lead.

Chapter Thirteen (#ulink_f557ec98-60f7-52db-824f-86b669fa648e)

The Crack

The hotel we are staying in is absolutely gorgeous. I couldn’t ever afford to stay in a place like this on my own, but that’s the beauty of being a hanger-on; someone else always foots the bill. I know that I’m lucky to stay in such beautiful places, which is probably why I don’t take any of it for granted, unlike most of the bands I know.

Tonight we’re staying at the Hotel Regale. I’ve only just stepped through the door and I’m already in love with the place. Inside the lobby they have replaced one of the walls with a huge fish tank, which is absolutely mesmerising – even to an entirely sober person, I’d imagine. On the other side of the tank is the bar, which is where Kenny and I are heading. There’s no point in me going up to the room and hanging around in the background while they do their interview, I may as well be down here sucking Dutch courage through a sparkly straw.

As soon as they’re done, Luke is going to call Reception and have someone let me know I can go up. I’m suddenly really nervous again, but trying to keep it out of my mind while I’m chatting to Kenny. We’re swapping stories about interviews and gigs. I know I have some great tales to tell (not that I ever would outside of the loop), but I am so jealous of some of his stories. Yes, we’ve only just met, but we’re already sharing a little too much information – this must be how rumours start, with journalists getting tipsy and exchanging stories.

It isn’t long before a nice lady lets me know that ‘Mr Fox’ is waiting for me. It sounds so weird to hear Luke being referred to as Mr Fox, like he’s a proper adult.

I say goodbye to my new friend and we swap details before I make my way to the lift. I hang back for a few minutes, spotting Mick the tour manager getting in the lift with a gang of giggly girls. No prizes what, or should I say who Eddie is doing tonight. I’m so glad I’m in with Luke because I am so not in the mood for a party with giggly fan-girls – and I’m allowed to say that because I used to be one, I know how annoying we are.

The nerves finally hit me as I step out of the lift. Luke is standing outside the door waiting for me, and he must have had quite a bit to drink while they were doing their interview because he is wasted.

‘Shall we go in?’ he asks, fiddling with the keycard for the room. For some reason he can’t get the door to open.

‘Do you want me to do that?’ I ask.

‘I can do it,’ he snaps.

I thought maybe he was just nervous too, but he looks terrible. His eyes are red and watery, and between attempts to get the door open he is rubbing his nose. If we were in the ‘real world’, I’d probably think he was coming down with a cold, but we’re not in the ‘real world’, are we?

In a way, I am proud of myself, I’ve always been very anti-illegal drugs and there’s a huge amount of temptation in the biz. Well, I’ve never been tempted. Sadly, it looks like Luke has. I know a lot of bands are close friends of Mary Joanna (say it quickly), but I’m guessing Luke is on something much harder. So the rumours are true.

Finally he gets the door open, laughing as he falls through the doorway, only just managing to stay upright. Kicking the door shut, Luke puts his hands on the wall either side of me. I can’t move and I’m being forced to look into his eyes. I’d imagined this moment being intense, but this just feels all wrong. Not only that, but he looks a mess – sexy doesn’t spring to mind at all.

He starts kissing me but it doesn’t feel like it did earlier. Earlier was great, this is awful. I feel uncomfortable and his constant sniffling is making me feel kind of sick so I pull away.

‘Everything OK?’ asks the snotty-nosed man of my dreams.

‘Are you OK?’ I ask.

‘I’m fine, let’s just get on with it,’ he insists, sounding slightly annoyed that I stopped him.

‘Get on with it? You smooth-talker.’

He ignores my sarcasm and starts kissing me again, pushing me onto the bed. After five minutes of awkward – and to be honest, slightly snotty – kisses, he rolls off me and sits on the edge of the bed, facing away from me. He seems frustrated and he’s swearing under his breath, banging his hands on the bed like some kind of mad man.

‘For fuck’s sake!’ he shouts to himself. To be honest, I’m a little bit scared.

‘I’ll be right back, just going to the bathroom,’ I tell him. I don’t wait for a reply before heading into the huge bathroom and locking the door behind me. I close the lid on the toilet and sit down. The bath looks so inviting, I’d love to have a long soak with lots of bubbles, pull on one of the fluffy bath robes, eat room service, watch TV and then fall asleep in the big, comfy bed – rock and roll. With a wasted Luke waiting for me in the big, comfy bed, I can forget about relaxing tonight though, and even though I would rather sit here until morning, I know that I have to go back out there. I’m not sure what has happened to the man I was pretty much in love with, but that isn’t him sitting in there waiting for me and that definitely wasn’t him throwing me around the room before. It’s only a matter of hours since we kissed in the dressing room, but now it’s like that perfect kiss never happened. His mood is all over the place, one minute he is the life of the party, the next he’s losing his temper.

I check the time and realise I have been sitting in here for twenty minutes now. It’s time to face the music or, in this case, the musician.

It turns out I have nothing to worry about. Luke is fast asleep, the wrong way across the bed, with his jeans and his boxers around his ankles. His mouth is wide open and even though his eyes are closed, they still look so sore. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so unattractive. A lesser woman than me would take a photograph – who am I kidding? If my phone battery wasn’t flat I’d probably snap a quick one, if only to remind myself that I never slept with a coke-head. That has to be the reason he’s acting like this, it makes too much sense not to be.

I can see his chest moving so at least I know he’s breathing, but I still don’t fancy sleeping in here with him. I grab the spare keycard for the room next door. I might as well head to the party, drink this out of my mind and try and get some sleep in there.

Opening the door to Eddie and Mark’s room (with ease, because I’m not high), I realise there isn’t a party going on because all is quiet. This room is much bigger than ours, and thinking I hear someone in the bedroom I walk though, only to be greeted by Ben’s bare arse and a rather embarrassed-looking girl underneath him. From the way he described his girlfriend to me earlier, I can safely say this isn’t her.

With no idea where anyone else is, I head back to the bar, plonk myself on a sofa and gaze at the fish. Maybe Eddie and Mark will appear, maybe Ben’s female friend will leave and I can go back up, or maybe Luke will come looking for me.

The past couple of days have been so weird. I thought these guys were my friends – I’ve know them for years, I’ve got drunk with them a million times before, I’ve crashed on the bus and in hotels with them countless times – but these past few days I’ve seen another side to them, their true colours or the side effects of fame? I just don’t know. Eddie, the one who I expect the least of based on past experiences, is the only one who has pleasantly surprised me, or at the least remained consistent.

I thought this was going to be the best tour ever and I thought things were going to work out great between me and Luke, but after several bad experiences with boys in bands you’d think I’d know better by now. I guess I just thought things were going to be different this time.

I don’t know how I’m going to face them all tomorrow. After this business with Luke, my argument with Mark and catching Ben in the act, I’ll be avoiding everyone apart from Eddie tomorrow. To be honest, all I care about right now is finding someone I know, getting to bed and getting some sleep. I’ll just wait here and hopefully someone will come looking for me.

Chapter Fourteen (#ulink_1f23854d-20ce-5c39-b14e-d5c6e9f49d8b)

The Accident

Another day, another night sleeping on another uncomfortable sofa – Nicole Wilde, this is your life.

This morning I woke up on the sofa in the hotel bar. I slept there all night. I’m lucky a member of staff didn’t wake me up and ask me to move because I really don’t know where I would have gone.

It’s 9 a.m. now. I’ve just been in the toilets freshening up and before I have chance to worry about what to do next, I spot Mick at the reception desk – he looks stressed-out.

‘Everything OK, Mick?’ I ask.

‘Nicole, I wondered where you’d got to. Everything is not OK – one minute.’

He’s on the phone, saying something about a hospital and cancelling the rest of the tour. All kinds of thoughts are running through my head. Was Luke definitely OK when I left him last night? I was sure he was breathing when I left him, but I’ll never forgive myself if something happened to him after I left. I wait patiently for Mick to finish on the phone and tell me what’s going on.

‘Right,’ he composes himself, exhaling heavily and running a hand over his bald head. ‘There was a bit of an accident last night.’ He stops again, this time to punch something into his phone. ‘At some point, while I was fast asleep might I add, a couple of the boys took the party to the hotel pool.’

I feel momentarily relieved because Luke hasn’t choked to death on his vomit, but someone has had an accident…

‘Eddie was pissing around on the diving board, he tried to jump in and hit his leg on the side of the pool. He’s at the hospital now, they say his leg is broken. We might have to cancel the rest of the tour. They’re giving him some pain relief and putting a temporary cast on, and then we’re heading back to London so he can see his own doctor. Are you coming back with us?’