The Comic English Grammar: A New And Facetious Introduction To The English Tongue

Now we will suppose a red-hot lover addressing the goddess of his idolatry – by the way, how strange it is, that these goddesses should be always having their temples on fire, that a Queen of Hearts should ever be seated on a burning throne! – but to return to the lover: he was to say something. Well, then, let A. B. be the lover. He expresses himself thus:

"Mary, my earthly hopes are centred in you. You need not doubt me; my heart is true as the dial to the sun. Words cannot express how much I love you. Nor is my affection an ordinary feeling: it is a more exalted and a more enduring sentiment than that which bears it name. I have done. I am not eloquent: I can say no more, than that I deeply and sincerely love you."

This, perhaps, will be regarded by connoisseurs as tolerably pathetic, and for the kind of thing not very ridiculous. Now, let A. S. S. be the lover: and let us have his version of the same story: —

"Mary, my capital in life is invested in you. You need not stick at giving me credit; my heart is as safe as the bank. The sum total of my love for you defies calculation. Nor is my attachment anything in the common way. It is a superior and more durable article than that in general wear. My stock of words is exhausted. I am no wholesale dealer in that line. All I can say is, that I have a vast fund of unadulterated affection for you."

In this effusion the Stock Exchange, the multiplication table, and the dry goods and grocer's shops have been drawn upon for a clothing to the suitor's ideas; and by an unhappy choice of words, the most delightful and amiable feelings of our nature, without which life would be a desert and man a bear, are invested with a ridiculous disguise.

We would willingly enlarge upon the topic which we have thus slightly handled, but that we feel that we should by so doing, intrench too far on the boundaries of Rhetoric, to which science, more particularly than to Grammar, the consideration of Metaphor belongs; besides which, it is high time to have done with Etymology.

PART III. SYNTAX

"Now then, reader, if you are quite ready, we are. – All right! * * * *"

The asterisks are intended to stand for a word used in speaking to horses. Don't blush, young ladies; there's not a shadow of harm in it: but as to spelling it, we are as unable to do so as the ostler's boy was, who was thrashed for his ignorance by his father.

"Where are we now, coachman?"

"The third part of Grammar, Sir, wot treats of the agreement and construction of words in a sentence."

"Does a coachman say wot for which because he has a licence?"

"Can't say, Ma'am?"

"Drive on, coachman."

And we must drive on, or boil on, or whatever it is the fashion to call getting on in these times.

A sentence is an aggregate of words forming a complete sense.

Sentences are of two kinds, simple and compound. A simple sentence has in it but one subject and one finite verb; that is, a verb to which number and person belong: as, "A joke is a joke."

A compound sentence consists of two or more simple sentences connected together: as, "A joke is a joke, but a ducking is no joke. Corpulence is the attribute of swine, mayors, and oxen."

Simple sentences may be divided (if we choose to take the trouble) into the Explicative or explaining; the Interrogative, or asking; the imperative, or commanding.

An explicative sentence is, in other words, a direct assertion: as, "Sir, you are impertinent." —Johnson.

An interrogative sentence "merely asks a question: " as, "Are you a policeman? How's your Inspector?" An imperative sentence is expressive of command, exhortation, or entreaty; as, "Shoulder arms!"

"Turn out your toes!"

"Charge bayonets!"

A phrase is two or more words properly put together, making either a sentence or part of a sentence: as, "Good morning!"

"Your most obedient!"

Some phrases consist of two or more words improperly put together: these are improper phrases: as, "Now then, old stupid!"

"Stand out of the sunshine!" Other phrases consist of words put together by ladies: as, "A duck of a man," "A love of a shawl," "so nice," "quite refreshing," "sweetly pretty." "Did you ever?" "No I never!"

Other phrases again consist of French and English words put together by people of quality, because their knowledge of both languages is pretty nearly equal: as, "I am au désespoir,"

"mis hors de combat,"

"quite ennuyé," or rather in nine cases out of ten, "ennuyeé," – "I have a great envié" to do so and so. These constitute an important variety of comic English.

If you want to know what subjects and objects are, you should go to the Morgue at Paris. But in Grammar —

The subject is the thing chiefly spoken of; the attribute is that which is affirmed or denied of it; and the object is the thing affected by such action.

The nominative denotes the subject, and usually goes before the verb or attribute; and the word or phrase, denoting the object, follows the verb; as, "The flirt torments her lover." Here, a flirt is the subject; torments, the attribute or thing affirmed; and her lover, the object.

It strikes us, though, that we are somewhat digressing from our subject, namely Syntax, which,

Principally consists of two parts (which the flirt does not, for she is all body and no soul) Concord and Government.

Concord is the agreement which one word has with another, in gender, number, case or person.

Note. – That a want of agreement between words does not invalidate deeds. We apprehend that such an engagement as the following, properly authenticated, would hold good in law.

I ose Jon stubs too hunder dollar for valley reseved an promis to pay Him Nex Sattaday

Signed Willum Gibs is x Mark

March 18, 1844.

Also that a friend of ours, to whom the following bill was sent, could not have refused to discharge it on the score of its incorrect grammar.

==> See Page Scan

Government is that power which one part of speech has over another, in directing its mood, tense, or case.

Government is also that power, of which, if the Agrarians have their way, we shall soon see very little in this country.

Hurrah!

No taxes!

No army!

No navy!

No parsons!

No lawyers!

No Congress!

No Legislature!

No anything!

No nothing!

To produce the agreement and right disposition of words in a sentence, the following rules (and observations?) should be carefully studied.

RULE I

A verb must agree with its nominative case in number and person: as "I perceive."

"Thou hast been to Boston."

"Apes chatter."

"Frenchmen gabble."

Certain liberties are sometimes taken with this rule: as, "I own I likes good beer."

"You'm a fine fellow, aint yer?" Such modes of speaking are adopted by those who neither know nor care anything about grammatical correctness: but there are other persons who care a great deal about it, but unfortunately do not know what it consists in. Such folks are very fond of saying, "How it rain!"

"It fit you very well."

"He say he think it very unbecoming."

"I were gone before you was come," and so forth, in which forms of speech they perceive a peculiar elegance.

The infinitive mood, or part of a sentence, is sometimes used as the nominative case to the verb: as, "to be good is to be happy which is as grammatical an assertion as "Toby Good is Toby Happy;" and rather surpasses it in respect of sense. "That two pippins are a pair, is a proposition which no man in his senses will deny."

"To be a connoisseur in boots,

To hate all rational pursuits,

To make your money fly, as though

Gold would as fast as mushrooms grow;

To haunt the Opera, save whene'er

There's anything worth hearing there;

To smirk, to smile, to bow, to dance,

To talk of what they eat in France,

To languish, simper, sue, and sigh,

And stuff her bead with flattery;

Are means to gain that worthless part,

A fashionable lady's heart."

Here are examples enough, in all conscience, of infinitive moods serving as nominative oases.

All verbs, save only in the infinitive mood or participle, require a nominative case either expressed or understood: as, "Row with me down the river," that is "Row thou, or do thou row."

"Come where the aspens quiver,"

"come thou, or do thou come."

"Fly not yet;"

"fly not thou, or do not thou fly."

"Pass the ruby;"

"Pass thou, or do thou pass the ruby" (not the Rubicon.

A well known popular song affords an example of the violation of this rule.

"Ven as the Captain comed for to hear on't, Wery much applauded vot she'd done."

The verb applauded has here no nominative case, whereas it ought to have been governed by the pronoun he. "He very much applauded," &c.

Every nominative case, except when made absolute, or used, like the Latin Vocative, in addressing a person, should belong to some verb, implied if not expressed. A beautiful example of this grammatical maxim, and one, too, that explains itself, is impressed upon the mind very soon after its first introduction to letters: as,

"Who kill'd Cock Robin?

I said the sparrow,

With my bow and arrow;

I kill'd Cock Robin."

Of the neglect of this rule also, the ballad lately mentioned presents an instance: as,

"Four-and-twenty brisk young fellows

Clad in jackets, blue array, —

And they took poor Billy Taylor

From his true love all avay."

The only verb in these four lines is the verb took, which is governed by the pronoun they. The four-and-twenty brisk young fellows, therefore, though undeniably in the nominative, have no verb to belong to: while, at the same time, whatever may be thought of their behavior to Mr. William Taylor, they are certainly not absolute in point of case.

When a verb comes between two nouns, either of which may be taken as the subject of the affirmation, it may agree with either of them: as, "Two-and-six-pence is half-a-crown." Due regard, however, should be paid to that noun which is most naturally the subject of the verb: it would be clearly wrong to say, "Ducks and green peas is a delicacy."

"Fleas is a nuisance."

A nominative case, standing without a personal tense of a verb, and being put before a participle, independently of the rest of the sentence, is called a case absolute: as, "My brethren, to-morrow being Sunday, I shall preach a sermon in John street; after which we shall join in a hymn, and that having been sungy Brother Biggs will address you."

The objective case is sometimes incorrectly made absolute by showmen and others: as, "Here, gentlemen and ladies, you will see that great warrior Napoleon Bonaparte, standing agin a tree with his hands in his breeches pockets, him taking good care to keep out of harm's vay. And there, on the extreme right, you will observe the Duky Vellingtdn a valking about amidst the red-hot cannon balls, him not caring von straw."

RULE II

Two or more singular nouns, joined together by a copulative conjunction, expressed, or understood are equivalent to a plural noun, and therefore require verbs, nouns, and pronouns, agreeing with them in the plural number: as, "Veal, wine, and vinegar are very good victuals I vow."

"Burke and Hare were nice men."

"A hat without a crown, a tattered coat, threadbare and out at elbows, a pair of breeches which looked like a piece of dirty patchwork diversified by various holes, and of boots which a Jew would hardly have raked from a kennel, at once proclaimed him a man who had seen better days."

This rule is not always adhered to in discourse quite so closely as a fastidious ear would require it to be: as, "And so, you know, Mary, and I, and Jane was a dusting the chairs, and in comes Missus."

RULE III

When the conjunction disjunctive comes between two nouns, the verb, noun, or pronoun, is of the singular number, because it refers to each of such nouns taken separately: as, "A cold in the head, or a sore eye is a great disadvantage to a lover."

If singular pronouns, or a noun and pronoun of different persons, be disjunctively connected, the verb must agree with the person which stands nearest to it; as, "I or thou art."

"Thou or I am"

"I, thou, or he is" &c. But as this way of writing or speaking is very inelegant, and as saying, "Either I am, or thou art," and so on, will always render having recourse to it unnecessary, the rule just laid down is almost useless, except inasmuch as it suggests a moral maxim, namely, "Always be on good terms with your next door neighbor."

It also forcibly reminds us of some beautiful lines by

Moore, in which the heart, like a tendril, is said to twine round the "nearest and loveliest thing." Now the person which is placed nearest the verb is the object of choice; ergo, the most agreeable person – ergo, the loveliest person or thing.

Should a conjunction disjunctive occur between a singular noun or pronoun, and a plural one, the verb agrees with the plural noun or pronoun: as, "Neither a king nor his courtiers are averse to butter: " (particularly when thickly spread.) "Darius or the Persians were hostile to Greece."

RULE IV

A noun or multitude, that is, one which signifies many, can have a verb or Pronoun to agree with it either in the singular or plural number; according to the import of such noun, as conveying unity or plurality of idea: as, "The nations humbugged."

"The multitude have to pay many taxes."

"The city Council are at a loss to know what to do."

"The people is a many headed monster."

RULE V

Pronouns agree with their antecedents, and with the nouns to which they belong, in gender and number: as, "This is the blow which killed Ned."

"England was once governed by a celebrated King, who was called Rufus the Red, but whose name was by no means so illustrious as that of Alfred."

"General M. and the Lieutenant had put on their boots."

"The lady appeared, and she smiled, but the smile belied her feelings."

The relative being of the same person with the antecedent, the verb always agrees with it: as,

"Thou who learnest Syntax"

"I who enlighten thy mind."

The objective case of the personal pronouns is by some, for want of better information, employed in the place of these and those: as,

"Let them things alone."

"Now then, Jemes, make haste with them chops." The adverb there, is sometimes, with additional impropriety, joined to the pronoun them: as,

"Look after them there sheep."

The objective case of a pronoun in the first person is put after the interjections Oh! and Ah! as,

"Oh! dear me," &c.

The second person, however, requires a nominative case: as,

"Oh! you good-for-nothing man!"

"Ah! thou gay Lothario!"

RULE VI

When there is no nominative case between the relative and the verb, the relative itself is the nominative to the verb: as, "The master who flogged us."

"The rods which were used."

But when the nominative comes between the relative and the verb, the relative exchanges, as it were, the character of sire for that of son, and becomes the governed instead of the governor; depending for its case | on some word in its own member of the sentence: as, "He who is now at the head of affairs, whom the people delight to honor, and to whom is intrusted the helm of state – is a Polk."

RULE VII

The relative and the verb, when the former is preceded by two nominatives of different persons, may agree in person with either, according to the sense: as,

"I am the young gentleman who do the lovers at the Chatham;" or, "who does."

Let this maxim be borne constantly in mind. "A murderer of good characters should always be made an example of."

RULE VIII

Every adjective, and every adjective pronoun, relates to a substantive, expressed or implied: as, "Dando was an unprincipled, as well as a voracious man."

"Few quarrel with their bread and butter;" that is, "few persons."

"This is the wonderful eagle of the sun." That is, "This eagle" &c.

Adjective pronouns agree in number with their substantives: "This muff, these muffs; that booby, these boobies; another numscull, other numsculls."

Some people say, "Those kind of things," or, "This four-and-twenty year," neither of which expressions they have any business to use.

Adjectives are sometimes improperly used as adverbs: as, "He behaved very bad."

"He insulted me most gross."

"He eat and drank uncommon."

"He wur beat very severe."

"It hailed tremendous" or, more commonly, "tremenjus."

RULE IX

The article a or an agrees with nouns in the singular number only: as, "A fool, an ass, a simpleton, a ninny, a lout – I would not give a farthing for a thousand such."

The definite article the may agree with nouns in the singular and plural number: as, "The toast, the ladies, the ducks."

The articles are often properly omitted; when used, they serve to determine or limit the thing spoken of: as, "Variety is charming."

"Familiarity doth breed contempt."

"A stitch in time saves nine."

"The heart that has truly loved never forgets."

RULE X

One substantive, in the possessive or genitive case, is governed by another, of a different meaning: as, "A fiddle-stick's end."

"Monkey's allowance."

"Virtue's reward."

RULE XI

Active verbs govern the objective case: as, "I kissed her."

"She scratched me"

"Virtue rewards her followers."

For which reason she is like a cook.

Verbs neuter do not govern an objective case. Observe, therefore, that such phrases: as,

"She cried a good one,"

"He came the old soldier over me,"

and so forth, are highly improper in a grammatical point of view, to say nothing of other objections to them.

These verbs, however, are capable of governing words of a meaning similar to their own: as, in the affecting ballad of Giles Scroggins —

"I wont, she cried, and screamed a scream"

The verb To Be has the same case after it as that which goes before it: as, "It was I" not "It was me"

"The Grubbs were they who eat so much tripe at our last party not "The Grubbses were them."

RULE XII

One verb governs another that depends upon it, in the infinitive mood: as, "Cease to smoke pipes."

"Begin to wear collars."

"I advise you to shave"

"I recommend you to go to church."

"I resolved to visit the Carolinas."

"And there I learned to wheel about And jump Jim Crow."

In general the preposition to is used before the latter of two verbs; but sometimes it is more properly omitted: as, "I saw you take it, young fellow; come along with me."

"Let me get hold of you, that's all!"

"Did I hear you speak?"

"I'll let you know!"

"You dare not hit me."

"Bid me discourse"

"You need not sing"

The proposition for is sometimes unnecessarily intruded into a sentence, in addition to the preposition to, before an infinitive mood: as, How came you for to think, for to go, for to do such a thing?" Do you want me for to punch your head?"

Adjectives, substantives, and participles, often govern the infinitive mood: as, "Miss Hopkins, I shall be happy to dance the next set with you."

"Oh! Sir, it is impossible to refuse you."

"Have you an inclination to waltz?"

"I shall be delighted in endeavoring to do so."

The infinitive mood is frequently made absolute, that is, independent of the rest of the sentence: as, "To say the truth, I was rather the worse for liquor."

"Not to mince matters, Miss, I love you."

RULE XIII

The relation which words and phrases bear to each other in point of time, should always be duly marked: instead of saying, "Last night I intended to have made strong love to her," we should say, "Last night I intended to make strong love to her;" because, although the intention of making strong love may have been abandoned (on reflection) this morning, and is now, therefore, a thing which is past, yet it is undoubtedly, when last night and the thoughts connected with it are brought back, again present to the mind.

RULE XIV

Participles have the same power of government with that of the verbs from which they are derived: as,

"Oh, what an exquisite singer Rubini is! I am so fond of hearing him."

"Look at that horrid man; I declare he is quizzing us!"

"No, he is only taking snuff."

"See, how that thing opposite keeps making mouths."

"How fond they all are of wearing mustaches! Don't you like it?"

"Oh, yes! there is no resisting them."

"Heigho! I am dying to have an ice – "

Young man for a husband, Miss?

For shame, Sir! don't be rude!

Participles are sometimes used as substantives: as, "The French mouth is adapted to the making of grimaces."

"The cobbler is like the parson; he lives by the mending of soles."

"The tailor reaps a good harvest from the sewing of cloth."

"Did you ever see a shoot-ing of the moon?"

Is this what the witches mean when they sing, in the acting play of Macbeth,

"We fly by night?"

If they "shoot the moon," they are shooting stars. There is a mode of using the indefinite article a before a participle, for which there is no occasion, as it does not convert the participle into a substantive, and makes no alteration in the sense of what is said; in this case the article, therefore, is like a wart, a wen, or a knob at the end of the nose, neither useful nor ornamental: as, "Going out a shooting."

"Are you a coming to-morrow?"

"I was a thinking about what Jem said."

"Here you are, a going of it, as usual!" A liberty not unfrequently taken with the English Language, is the substitution of the perfect participle for the imperfect tense, and of the imperfect tense for the perfect participle: as, "He run like mad, with the great dog after him."

"Maria come and told us all about it."

"When I had wrote the Valentine, I sealed it with my thimble."

"He has rose to (be) a common* councilman."

"I was chose Lord Mayor."

"I've eat (or a eat) lots of vension in my time."

"I should have spoke if you hadn't put in your oar."

"You were mistook."

"He sent her an affecting copy of verses, which was wrote with a Perryian pen."

RULE XV

Adverbs are generally placed in a sentence before adjectives, after verbs active or neuter, and frequently between the auxiliary and the verb: as, "He came, Sir, and he was most exceedingly drunk; he could hardly stand upon his legs; he made a very lame discourse; he spoke incoherently and ridiculously; and was impatiently heard by the whole assembly."

"He is fashionably dressed."

"She is conspicuously ugly."

"The eye of jealousy is proverbially sharp, and yet it is indisputiably green"

"The French Marquis was a very charming man; he danced exquisitely and nimbly, and was greatly admired by all the ladies."

Several adverbs have been coined of late; and some of them are very remarkable for a "particular" elegance: as, "I reckon you're catawampously chawed up." In the example just given there is to be found, besides the new adverb, a word which, if not also new to the English student, is rendered so both by its orthography and pronunciation; namely, chawed. This term is no other than "chewed," modified. "Chawed up" is a very strong expression, and is employed to signify the most complete state of discomfiture and defeat, when a man is as much crushed, mashed, and comminuted, morally speaking, as if he had literally and corporeally undergone the process of mastication. "Catawampously" is a concentration of "hopelessly," "tremendously," "thoroughly," and "irrevocably;" so that "catawampously chawed up," means, brought as nearly to a state of utter annihilation as anything consistently with the laws of nature can possibly be. For the metaphorical use of the word "chawed," three several reasons have been given: 1. Familiarity with the manner in which the alligator disposes of his vie-tims. 2. The cannibalism of the Aborigines. 3. The delicate practice of chewing tobacco. Each of these is supported by numerous arguments, on the consideration of which it would be quite out of the question to enter in this place.

RULE XVI

Two English negatives (like French lovers) destroy one another, – and become equivalent to an affirmative: as, "The question before the House was not an unimportant one;" that is, "it was an important one."