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Her hand pulled free from mine and she leaned back in her chair, taking her drink with her, her big eyes staring at me.
I took a breath. “It’s me who owes you an apology. I know you didn’t want it to happen.” Her forehead screwed up. She didn’t want to talk about it, but we had to. “All you wanted was someone to hold you and I took it too far.”
Dual tears rolled down her cheeks and she sipped her drink, her gaze dropping to the table. She shut her eyes, like she could just make me disappear and not listen.
But I carried on. I had to say this. I needed to get it out. “I’m sorry. I feel like… I forced you into it.”
Her eyes opened and she leaned forward, setting her drink down. “Do we have to talk about this?” She still wasn’t looking at me.
“Yeah. I’m living with it and I can’t stand it. I want to put things straight. I’m sorry. Now I’ve thought about it, I feel like I raped you.”
She glanced up at me, pain in her eyes. Now I couldn’t look at her. My head dropped and I sipped my beer, shame slashing a knife at my chest.
I’d had a drink that night, we both had. Jason had gone to New York a couple of months before. She’d gone out with me, to talk, and we’d been talking but I drove her out to the lake and parked up, to keep talking before I took her home. She’d got upset and turned to hug me, her arms hanging around my neck.
She’d wanted comfort, that’s all, but I’d had a drink and I’d read it wrong, and my form of comfort had been to kiss her.
She’d answered it, she’d been in a mess over Jason, she’d been hurting, she’d needed someone, and she’d accepted me.
She’d had on a short loose skirt and my hand had roamed where it shouldn’t have gone, sliding up her thigh, then I’d I gripped her shoulders and tipped her backwards so we were both lying down… I’d taken it way too far. She hadn’t stopped me. I wish she had stopped me. She just hadn’t said anything, and let me do it.
With my beer-fogged head, I’d carried on…
The look in her eyes had haunted me for all the months we hadn’t been talking. She’d stared at me, just lying there, waiting for me to finish.
I’d been an ass. She hadn’t said no, but she hadn’t said yes either.
When we’d finished, or when I had finished––she hadn’t taken any part in it. She’d sat up, with tears running down her cheeks. When I drove her home, she’d cried all the way back into town. Then she’d jumped out the SUV as fast as she could, and run into her house.
When I’d seen her the next time, neither of us had acknowledged what happened. We had never spoken about it. Not that night and not since. We’d just carried on pretending it hadn’t happened.
But it had happened.
The only time it had been mentioned was when Jason threw it at her that he knew. Apparently she’d talked to his cousin about it, and his cousin had told Rachel. Ever since then I’d been wondering what she’d told his cousin. The more I’d thought about that night, since then, the guiltier I’d got. Why hadn’t she said no? She hadn’t enjoyed it; she hadn’t wanted to do it…
“You didn’t,” Lindy whispered.
I looked up.
The onyx centers at the heart of her blue eyes were huge. She shook her head, disgust gripping her expression.
I didn’t blame her. I was disgusted with myself. But I was facing up to this. I leaned forward, resting my elbows on the table. “I am sorry, and I told Jason the other night that it was all me. You weren’t unfaithful to him, you were just looking for someone to hold you and I took it too far…”
More tears rolled onto her cheeks as her gaze fell. She wiped them away as her eyes shut. But then they opened and her head came up, anger burned there, accusing me. “Why the hell did you tell him? It’s none of his business! Why did you talk about it?”
“I…” Because that was what I thought you’d want––for Jason to know the truth.
“You shouldn’t have said anything to him!”
She stood up, drank the last of her cocktail and thrust the empty glass down on the table, then turned away. “I’m going down to the beach.”
Shit.
I left my beer and headed inside to settle the check so I could follow.
Chapter Three (#u668257bf-2c1e-55cf-b75f-7d080e3b33cf)
Lindy
I sat on the dry sand, hugging my knees, looking out at the ocean. The sky was painted red by the setting sun.
Tears rolled down my cheeks. What was worse, that he thought doing it with me was like rape? Or that he’d actually told my ex that?
Humiliation swept through me like a rippling wave and nausea gripped at my belly.
Oh my God, Billy! I hate you right now!
Sand kicked up against my thigh.
He’d followed. He dropped down next to me, copying my posture, leaning forward and gripping his knees.
I wiped the tears off my cheeks.
His big arm came around me.
I turned into him and then both his arms were around me. This was where it had begun in the fall.
He’d held me, then I’d lifted my head and he’d kissed me. I hadn’t really kissed him back but I hadn’t stopped him. I’d felt so broken, I hadn’t cared, and he’d made me feel wanted. When I’d felt unwanted and lonely for weeks.
Frick, if I’d been lonely then, what about now? Jason hadn’t just moved away, he’d dumped me… He had left me alone.
“I’m sorry, Lind.”
No, I wasn’t alone. I had Billy… and Dad…
My counselor told me––when you think negative, change it to positive… There were hardly any positives…
I pulled free of Billy’s hold and turned, looking at the ocean and hugging my knees.
One of his hands fell to the sand. He picked some up, then let it run through his fingers, like an hour glass––a life glass––time just ran away.
His other arm settled on his bent-up knees.
He hadn’t raped me. I had let it happen and regretted it after, and never spoken about it with him. “It wasn’t rape, Billy.”
How did I tell a guy all the mixed-up shit I had in my head. I didn’t understand anything myself, so how could I expect anyone else to. Jason hadn’t.
Billy watched the last of the sand slip through his fingers, then he looked at me.
“I didn’t stop you, because I wanted it too…” At the time, it had been comforting, in a stupid way.
“But not with me, Lind, admit it. I was just a Jason-replacement.”
That part was true. “Is that what you told him?”
“Yeah, because I didn’t want him to keep thinking you’d betrayed him.”
Bitterness thrust a knife into my belly. “Or keep thinking you had, ‘cause you wanted to make up and get your best friend back…”
His Adam’s apple shifted as he took a breath. “I did betray him. I betrayed you both… But… Look… Just say you forgive me and we’ll move on from it.”
“I don’t need to forgive you. It happened. That’s all. At the time I needed it.” Despair crashed into me, like another sneaker wave hit us, ripping into me and trying to drag me out into the ocean.
Frigid. That’s what Jason’s new girlfriend had called me. She’d said he’d told her I was no better than sleeping with stone, and now Billy thought doing it with me was like rape.
My forehead dropped onto my knees as I let the wave of pain wash away, and the tears came again… I just wanted everything to be normal. I wanted to turn back time and make sure none of this had happened. But it was happening, and I couldn’t change it.
Think positive––I’d got to twenty-two and had years of happiness to remember and hold on to, and Dad and I could make loads more happy memories.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I lifted my head and looked at Billy. I couldn’t fix other things, but I could fix this…“Why did you think I didn’t want to?”
“Why?” The surprise in his voice was matched by his eyebrows lifting. He thought it was obvious.
He dropped his second handful of sand, rubbed his palms on his shorts, then rested his forearms on his bent knees. “You hardly moved.” A sigh left his lips. “I was going to stop, but I didn’t know which was worse, to stop and pretend it hadn’t gone too far or… Well…” He looked at me. “Sorry.”
My forehead dropped on to my knees, so I could hide. I was that bad.
The weight of his palm settled on my shoulder, then rubbed a little before tugging me against him.
I fell into him, sobbing, still hugging my knees, not holding him, but he held me. “Lindy. I really am sorry.”
“I’m shit,” I said against his shoulder. “I’m crap in bed.” I’d never felt comfortable with sex, probably because I’d never felt comfortable with myself. I didn’t like sex. It just made me aware of all the bits of my body I hated and didn’t want to think about. Sex had always been awkward.
A laugh rumbled in his chest.
I pulled away and smacked his shoulder. “It’s not funny.”
Jason had left me because of it. He was all over Rachel, touching and kissing her. I’d even seen them full-on kissing in the store.
He’d never kissed me like that. Our sex had been crap, and it had not been his fault because he didn’t seem to have a problem with Rachel.
It had been my fault and he’d been mean enough to tell his new girlfriend and she’d fucking cruelly told me.
Billy’s palm lifted, calling truce. “Okay, it’s not funny. It’s just the way you said it.”
Awesome. He’d gone from an apology to laughing at me, humor hovered in his eyes.
I pushed myself up and headed toward the ocean. The sun was a giant-red ball dipping its toes.
“Lindy! I didn’t mean to upset you!”
I slipped my sandals off, bent and picked them up, while he caught up with me.
“Honest, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to laugh.”
I looked at him, my eyes accusing. “You’re getting good at saying sorry, Billy.”
His lips twisted in a dismissing smirk, but his eyes questioned me.
I poked my tongue out at him then turned toward the ocean again. I could just keep walking. Walk into the waves and let them take away the turmoil in my head. But shame and guilt wouldn’t let me do it now I’d seen how much it would hurt Mom and Dad… and anyway, I was afraid of the ocean and everything beneath it.
I turned to walk parallel to the waves. His arm came around me. The weight of his hand on my shoulder. Frickin’ tears started falling again. He pulled me against him as we walked. The world span.
I needed to be held and loved. The feeling rippled through my nerves. It was that feeling that had made me let him do it in the SUV. Jason had been miles away in New York.
I pulled free of Billy and moved away, walking along in the last ripples of the waves. The water was freezing, numbing my feet. Like life had numbed my soul.
My belly did a queasy turn as I looked down at the water. The sky had turned a deeper, darker blue. It was getting dark. The sun had nearly disappeared. I felt a bit drunk now.
“Why am I so bad at doing it?” I looked over at Billy.
The douche laughed again.
I lifted my hand to hit him with my sandals, but he grabbed my wrist, meeting my glare with a look that said, no way.
“Lashing out is a habit you need to get out of, Lind.”
Maybe it was, but it was a good way to vent everything I felt. I growled at him, snarling.
He laughed openly, but then he bent and––
Frick! The guy picked me up like a fireman, so I dangled over his massive shoulder. My belly revolted. “Billy! Billy!”
He started walking back up the beach, in the direction of our apartments.
“Billy!”
Nausea rolling through me, I smacked his ass with my sandals. “Billy put me down, I feel sick!”
He still didn’t.
“Billy!”
He just kept walking, laughter rumbling in his chest. “I’m sorting you out once and for all girl.”
A guy we passed gave me an odd look. Billy was flashing my panties at the other people on the beach.
“Put me down! I’m gonna be sick, Billy!” I screamed this time. He didn’t stop. My belly lurched. “If you don’t, I’m gonna be sick all down your back!” I was desperate now.
