The bull and the butterfly

Sometimes, before she dries her hair and puts on her underwear, Eva wonders if someone is looking out the window at her. It wouldn’t have bothered her at all if they had. She would even be somewhat pleased to know that the torment of looking at her time-worn body wasn’t just for her. Eva had lived alone for so long that she had learned to entertain herself with interesting thoughts so as not to lose her mind. And one of the most interesting thoughts Eva considers thoughts about time, which performs thousands of actions on a person, as if putting experiments on him. Eve knows that time has two styles of human communication: in the first case, it repeatedly kicks in the ass treacherously, and in the second-politely or at least in a gentle mode.

Eva sits down on a chair to drink tea and looks down. She has gray hair everywhere, because time does not spare the bodyall the time. But Eva doesn’t want to accept beingstepped on her throat and other body parts since старостьYu’s old age, Eva still believes in a miracle. Therefore, she cannot, does not have theright not to believe in him, because in the next three and a half months she will have to create this miracle on the stage, or rather create all the conditions for it to happen, to happen. Eva takes a sip from her cup, and the black tea is renderedxia in her forty-five-year-old body. It is as if she sees this tea splashing brown water on her untreated жеstomach ulcer and mixing with gastric juice. She knows that her soul will not let her down and will give her everything she needs for creativity, but in the body she is not sure, but from the body she is waiting for a trick at any moment. But still, Eve hopes it doesn’t let her down. At least for the next three and a half months. What happens next doesn’t matter to Eve. She doesn’t make up her mind for so long. The main thing is to put on a performance, and then come what may.

4

«What am I going to tell her?» Jean asks, clearly in a bad mood.

Jean has tousled hair and a sleepy face. He doesn’t like the idea of asking to go to a theater where he doesn’t want to work. In fact, Jean hopes that he will not be taken to this theater. He’s almost certain of it.

«I don’t know, honey. You will say that you can’t live without the theater, you are delusional about the stage, you will say that you agree to work in the crowd from morning to night. Just show her your legs.» Legs are your entrance ticket to the crowd. You should have seen that toad all dressed up in furs last night. The furs on her shoulders and under her nose are also furs, «Elona laughs. «I can’t understand why everyone loves her so much. Personally, I can’t stand her. Nasty old toad. When I think that you will have to humiliate yourself in front of her, I even feel uneasy. But the end, as they say, justifies the means. Elona pours a bowl of liquid porridge and sets it on the table.

– what is it? Jean asks, looking at the porridge.

Jean avoids talking about the theater. He doesn’t like it all. He is quite happy to work as a math teacher at school. In addition, Jean is studying in absentia at a graduate school and is going to become a candidate of technical sciences.

«Can’t you see?» This is oatmeal porridge. What do you want, porridge made from ladybirds that haven’t been milked before? Elona grins.

«No,» he says sadly. «But it’s just the third day in a row that we’ve been eating oatmeal porridge. It’s a crazy thing to do.

«I don’t know. Someone, maybe, can go crazy, and you Zhanchik need to lose a couple of kilogrammesммof chicks, otherwise fat hangs from your impudent ryakhi жир свисает. So eat it. Besides, I can’t cook for us separately. I don’t have much time, I need to work on myself, study, develop plastic surgery. So eat it. Eat some oatmeal, Zhanchik. Well, don’t eat anything. I don’t care. Don’t forget that I have a major role in the play, and I have to appear in front of the audience in all my glory, «Elona admires herself in the mirror.

A mirror is Elona’s favorite object, and she always admires herself when she gets the chance. She would spend her whole life admiring only herself, because that’s the only way to make others admire her.

«Mmm-me,» Jean says. «It looks like food that has passed through my intestines more than once,» Jean says dejectedly, thinking, that this muddy and sticky mess is similar to his life, because both are swamps that he is fed up with.

«You know what I think when I look at our toad,» Elona says with a smile. «I think she’s so nervous, because no one’s fucking her.» It seems to me that this lady is very fond of young boys. If that’s the case, she might have her eye on you, and you might be able to make your way into the crowd through the bed. I’m already an adult, I’m a girl, so I understand that, in general, this is normal. So I’ll let you do it once. Close your eyes and think about Africa, «Elona laughs.

Jean drops his spoon and leaves the room.

«Noo Jean, where are you going, I was just joking! she shouts after him.

But in fact, Elona was not joking, she at all costs wants to get out of this city to Moscow, so she is considering all possible options. Elona was already twenty-three years old, and she knew that the time of her youth was inexorably passing, because you can’t always be young and beautiful.

Elona knows that even though Jean has lost his temper, he is not going anywhere from her, he will definitely come back, because he cannot help but love her. He had already left more than once and returned every time. She doesn’t worry about it, and it’s much more frightening for her that now she will have to swallow five full spoonfuls of oatmeal porridge cooked in water on her own. Sometimes Elona has a gag reflex as soon as she smells this porridge. But Elona tolerates, she will eat it through force, because it must be young and fresh, and without oatmeal, perfect skin is difficult to achieve. She wants to keep herself in shape, so she is ready to eat it through force, barely restraining the gag reflex. Usually, Elona tells herself why she eats this porridge, because to swallow it, you need an incentive. Before she starts eating, Elona sets herself up for about ten minutes to eat this porridge.

Elona puts the spoon in her mouth and then quickly swallows the porridge.

«To have all the looks you could ever want,» Elona says out loud. Usually, she does not specify what exactly she dreams of, because Elona is afraid to narrow down the range of her desires with specifics, and accordingly the range of their fulfillment.

«For having my own apartment in Moscow,» Elona says, taking a second spoonful.

«For men to fall in love with me, the richest and the best.» And thegood thing is that I did it, «Elona says, and hears Jean arrive.

Elona never eats a spoon for mom and dad, as she was usually taught as a child. Ohna thinks thatYe has grown up too much since then to think about other people now. She thinks about herself, and her priority is not close people, but success, recognition, fame.

Jean didn’t come empty-handed. He их bought chips and Coca-Cola at the store that is directly under theirм, house. Elona doesn’t understand how you can eat this stuff, but it’s what she тоже wants, too. So when she sawwhat Jean had in his hands, she immediately had a fit of irritation. On the one hand, ona does not understand how one can be so careless and socareless about eating junk food, and on the other hand, she understands that only such food gives her pleasure. But she doesn’t eat it, fearing that it will interfere with her success and fame, which she directly links to her appearance. A bad appearance is a bad fate, and a good appearance is a good fate.

«You’re just like that Coca-Cola,» she says sourly, not trying to hide her annoyance. «There are too many of them,» she says defiantly to Jean, who is sitting in front of the TV. – You can’t be so unselfish when you’re with a woman like me. A place with me, Jean, still needs to be earned. And when you have Coca-Cola flowing in your veins, it’s quite difficult to do this, «Elona swallows the last fifth spoonful of porridge with difficulty, completely forgetting to provide her with a wish, becausethe happiness depicted on Jean’s face makes it difficult for her to concentrate. She’s terrified that he’s going to crunch potato chips and enjoy it. Yey even wants to put a plate of leftover porridge on his head.

5

Eve puts the receiver down on the head of an old beige telephone and feels a sense of relief. She feels this relief at three and a half o’clock in the morning. She called her assistant Lenochka, who at any time of the day or nighthas to sit on the phone and wait for her call. Afterall, some unexpected thoughts about the performance can come to Eva’s mind at any time of the day or night, so Lenochka should be ready to write it all down and provide Eva’s thoughts with a material embodiment.

Eva has insomnia and can’t sleep. She knows that she won’t fall asleep, so she goes to kuh nude to eat sunflower seeds, dressed in a nightgown and with her hair tousled from sleepню есть. Now she will measure the time with handfuls of sunflower seeds until morning. Even many neighbors have noticed that в окнах Eva’s windows often по ночамhave lights on at night because Eva doesn’t sleep. Eva sits at the table and eats sunflower seeds. Her head is empty, because it has just freed her from the thoughts that long thoughts have brought from her dreams. ила ее мыслей, навеянных долгими размышленьями от ее снов.

Eve dreamed of herself. She saw herself in a dream, only she was much younger than her years. She was in her early twenties, and she was young and slender. Someone in a dream asked her for her first name, and she said, «Eva,» and then this same person, whom she didn’t see, asked for her middle name, and for some reason she answered: «The void». This dream conveyed Eve’s fears, which she herself did not realize. And these fears broke out from the subconscious. Eve was always afraid of this emptiness and felt a blood connection with it, as if she was its daughter, its offspring. That’s why Eva was afraid to be happy, because happiness empties, happiness drowns out the hum of the universe, which can only be obtained together with suffering. Eva condemned herself to suffer, because only through suffering could she give something to art and take something from it, and oddly enough, this is her complex happiness and even more – the goal of life.

In the dream, Eva saw herself in a bright red evening dress with a huge train. Eva saw herself from the outside, as if she were an actress. She ran up the stairs and kept turning around, smiling at someone. Eve felt alluring. Eve loved her face. Before the hormonal changes that occurred in her body, her face was considered very cute, almost beautiful. Eva herself thought it was beautiful, because in her youth she was very narcissistic. She had known from birth thatshe was destined for a special fate here on Pl Aneta. Only at first she didn’t know which one. But as she grew older, Eva began to realize that it was the filmmaking profession that gave her the power she wanted. Power over the world of your illusions.

Already starting to gradually move away from sleep, the idea was already spinning in Eva’s head that she should call Lenochka and tell her that in their в performance one of the main characters will be a woman in a red dress, a ghost woman symbolizing great love. And Eva also thought that we should order a spiral staircase that will stand on the stage during the performance.

Eva saw the whole world through the prism of aesthetics. She looked for inspiration and found it everywhere, including in her dreams. Eva liked to sleep, but only because she worked even in her sleep. Sleep was a work process for her. Eve knew that a clever idea or a good image could come at any moment. Inspiration can come when she goes shopping, cooks herself eggs, sleeps, or remembers the events of days gone by. Eve knew this, but it was remembering that she dreaded the most, because she could suffer not because of what had happened to her in life, but because of what had not happened in her life. Along with the memories came the realization of that. That she’d missed a lot of life, maybe missed life itself. Missed opportunities tore at her soul. Eve was acutely aware that she didn’t like her, didn’t make it as a mother, and was a bad daughter. She missed these opportunities.

Eve turns her head and looks at her watch. Looking at the clock often, Eva is particularly acutely aware that there is less and less time left. Before, she was rushing him, but now she wants to stop him, to feel the charm of life slipping away. But it cannot be stopped in life, it can only be stopped in the play. But in real life, it ticks, ticks, ticks. Seconds remind Eve of seeds, which she mercilessly nibbles with her teeth. Once, when Eve was a little girl, she had held up a chair and broken off the hands of the clock that hung in their living room. But despite this, time continued to pass, and this was the first significant discovery in her life. There are no arrows. But they are still ticking, time is still inexorably moving forward. When Eve thinks about time, she can’t think about the performance. Therefore, she turns off the time in her head and often turns off her head in general. She’d noticed long ago that it was easier to work with her head turned off. Because the soul begins to think. The head and time often prevent the soul from living in full force.

Eva came up with a ghost woman in a red dress, and in the play one of the main roles belongs to forty men who represent the forty days after the death of love. Eva hasn’t figured out how to put it all together yet, butshe knows that theиwhole picture will come back to her later. And when she clicks the seeds, she already feels the illumination coming. Eva hasnodoubt that the play will be ready on time. It is as if he is created by himself, and she only helps him to be born into the world. Like a midwife at birth.

Most of all, Eva likes the early morning, which comes around five o’clock in the morning. It’s a magical time for Eve. Usually at this time, when she is awake, she goes to the window to salute the newday that is emerging before her eyes like an ordinary officer. Eva serves every day of her life that she devotes to art.And her own life is measured not in the years she has lived, but in the performances she has createdва.

6

«If I come back tomorrow and this hole isn’t patched up yet, I’ll be very angry,» Eve saysin a voice that rings with the energy of discontent. Eva points to the floor, which has been breached by workers installing a spiral staircase on the stage. – Of course, I understand that the scene is feminine, but not to the same extent that it has such pronounced sexual slits. This, gentlemen, is already called pornography. And here we are doing art, and only sometimes pornography. So when I come back tomorrow, don’t let her be here. It throws me off the pace of my thinking, «she says, raising an eyebrow.

Eva generally jokes vulgarly and often laughs like a man, at her jokes. She can walk on stage в стороны with her arms outstretched and say, «Well, who else wants to try the commissar’s body?» It’s a joke, all her jokes are like that, and everyone laughs at them, because it’s Eve. She can easily approach some young actress with good forms and, looking into her cleavage, ask: «Well, how much is a kilogram of breasts today?». Everything is forgiven to her, but Eve does not let her get close to her, ordinary mortals should always know the distance and observe it, they should know what is usually expressed in the words: «Where are you, and where am I?» This can also be expressed и in the following phrases: «Admiral Nakhimov» and a small motor boat, Mother Earth and dust on the windowsill, the Queen and her subjects, as well as other comparisonsthat emphasize her importance. She is, of course, always the first, and everyone else is the second, which can change depending on her mood. But even so, everyone loves her, because the monarch is strict, but fair.

The workers know that Eva has a brilliant, profane Russian, sothey don’t knowwhat to expect if the hole isn’t repaired in time. But in fact, Eve doesn’t really care about this hole that only recently appeared. Eva just wants to say something, listen to her voice, expressherself. She feels a desire totalk and be listened to at the same time. She wants to play the role of a rebellious and angry woman, and she gives herself this role. She lets herself do it. If it hadn’t been for this hole, Eve would have found something to complain about. At the very least, she would have made this hole herself, and then spent a long time asking about who created it.

– Eva AlekSandrovna, I wanted to discuss with vami the candidacy of a friend of mine who wants to try his hand at extras, – says Elona, who waited until Eva quieted down a little.

Elona thinksthat Eva has already let off her steam, so now it will be possible to ask her for a favor, and she is unlikely to refuse. Sure, it’s humiliating for Elona to ask Eva to do anything, but it’s even more humiliating for her – to spend the rest of her life away from the capital. Therefore, Elon is not long, just for one conversation with Eve humbles pride.

– Andwhere do we hire these acquaintances?? Eva says in a hoarse voice, still on stage, as if casually. – Is your boyfriend, or as the young people say now, a fucker? Eve looks around slyly, hoping that there will be people willing to appreciate her sharp tongue.

«No,» Elona says rather harshly, also stepping onto the stagewhere Eve is standing. «A friend of the heart, let’s just say,» she adds, trying to hide her resentment at Eve’s overindulgence. Elona tries to contain her annoyance.

«I think I’m still a friend of some other organ,» Eve continues in her usual jovial, dismissive tone. «And not that much of a friend lately, judging by your nervousness,«she adds with a grin. «What kind of friend?» Moloda? Sexy? Talented? Active? She narrows her eyes theatrically.

«He’s twenty – three,» Elona says, not sure how she should answer Eve’s question. – Well, yes, he has good data.

«I don’t care about that data,» Eve smiles, pacing the stage. «The main thing for me is that my legs are nice and my ass, is like a nut,» she laughs, because she likes to provoke Elona and see how she wants to get angry, but can’t, because she’s afraid of flying out of the theater.

«He’s doing great,» Elona says, outwardly calm, feeling внутри her stomach churn with rage.

«Then we’ll take it alive,» Eve finally says, very calmly, as if she’s talking about cucumbers at the market. – And what’s the problem, – Eva thinks aloud, – let him come, let’s look at his legs, if the diagnosis is confirmed, then let him dance in the third row. I’m not sorry, as they say, «Eva sneers again, feeling the approval of those who have become an unwitting listener to their conversation.

Eva is often ironic. She’s nervous about it. And she laughs a lot, which is also nervous. She often laughs out of pain, she pumps the pain into laughter. It’s a stifled sob.She has a «laughing depression"that lasts for a long, long time.

– But there is one «but», Eva Alexandrovna, – Elona hesitates a little, squeezes out of herself, – Iас сразу want to warn the AC right away…

Elona refers to Eva exclusively by her first name and patronymic, but not out of respect, so as to show her how much she is no longer deeplyyoung.

«I’ve already counted two buts in your sentence,» Eve interrupts Elona. She always interrupts her to show her her place. «Is he gay, which means’ as good as you ' in English?» Eve suggests very haughtily.

«No,» Elona says, reddening with rage. «He’s just dark-skinned.

«Yeah, I’m not exactly gay,» Eve laughs. «This is an unexpected twist in this backward little town of ours, where there’s never been a nigger before!» – Oh, my God! «she exclaims. – I wonder who is cooler Negroes or gays?

«Jews! – laughing workers repairing the floor on the stage.

Elona is very tense. She’s not happy that she started this conversation, especially in front of everyone.

«Well, I’ve been thinking about it now, the desert is coming,» Eva says, flaunting her position as a director. – We must have at least one rainy day, otherwise all white ones are somehow unrealistic. Let him come. Yes, indeed, let him come, «she nods cheerfully.

«Thank you,» сквозь зубы выдавливает из себя Elona says through gritted teeth and smiles nervously, wanting to end this conversation that has become unbearable for her as soon as possible.

Elona has a huge dislike for Eve, and Eve knows it. She knows at the level of intuition who treats her and how. Eve has an animal’s nose. Elona feels bad about what she owes Eve now. Elona is sick of it.

Eva jokingly holds out her hand to Elona, as queens do to their subjects. Elona looks at Eve with horror, and Eve looks at Elona with challenge. She challenges not just Elona, she challenges beauty and youth in her face красоте и молодости, because Elona is considered oneof the most beautiful actresses in the theater. Eve had only fulfilled Elona’s request so that she could hold out her hand to Elona as if to kiss her. Eve sometimes allows herself small pleasures, such as angering her neighbor. Especially if this neighbor is female. Now her neighbor is Elona.

Eva pauses and bursts out laughing, breaking the tense atmosphere. Eva laughs, and her laugh is defiantly young and clear. And even right away, it’s hard to identify this woman holding out her hand to Elona for a kisswith her laughter. Because they are so different.

Eva leaves, and Elona can’t get over the spectacle that Eve played out in front of her and with her. But most importantly, Elona understands that Eve wasn’t joking when she held out her hand for a kiss. And that infuriates Elona. «An old rat, an old rotten rotten rat covered with age-old mold,» Elona says inaudibly.

7

Jean turns his head to the side until he feels the crunch of his neck vertebrae.

«Oh, good,» Jean says, trying to get Elona’s attention.

Jean is bored. So he turns his head again, but this time in a different direction, until his neck starts to crack again.

«What are you doing?» Elona asks after a pause, eyes closed, frozen on the floor in a meditative lotus position.

Elona meditates frequently to improve her acting skills and complexion. She doesn’t understand the meaning of meditation, but everyone she knows is meditating, and she is meditating, trying to convince herself that she is participating in something important. Jean brightens up at her question. To make Jean perk up, you just need to ask him what he’s doing, and he’ll make sure to come up with what he’s doing, even if he’s not doing anything.

«I’m trying to broaden my horizons,» Jean says, «so that I can see more than just that you’re avoiding me and not noticing me. But I’m afraid I’ll break my neck and never see anything new in our relationship.

Jean likes to give such answers. He belongs to the category of men who spend their whole lives trying to make jokes, but in the end they never really joke.

«I don’t mind you breaking your neck, but only after you get a job in this freaking crowd and we move to this freaking Moscow,» Elona replies coldly, already tired of meditating and not averse to entertaining herself with a conversation with Jean. – You don’t know what it cost me to persuade that mustachioed, stinking, bloated toad. I literally stepped over myself. I’ve lost my virginity for the second time. I’m mentally violated. And you don’t appreciate anything I do for you.

– Since when did Moscow get freaking fucked up? She used to be a paradise on earth for you.

«Don’t cling to words. It is still a paradise, and our goal with you is to pave, drill, and carve our way there with the help of the theater. The theater, in this case, is a slotting machine, a drilling rig, our tank, on which we will enter a new life. And believe me, Jean, this is my life waiting for me. She is already living in the future.

«So she’s just waiting for you?» «All right, then,» says Jean. But somehow I thought you had a higher understanding of art, and that turned out to be just a means to Moscow, «Jean says, annoyed, wanting to tease Elona.

«Don’t be a whiner,» Elona says in her usual way. «That you even know anything about it?» At least I graduated from the theater institute, and you’re generally hot on the side. Art is what I do best. My mother is an actress and my grandmother, who knows what theater and art are like if not me. And you’ve never even been to the theater, no matter how many times I’ve called you. So don’t perform here, child of the ' 80s Olympics. Pray that this vixen will at least approve you for this fucking crowd, because this is your only chance to go to Moscow with me.