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Hope made a disgusted sound. “We didn’t measure—”
“Do you love him, Hope?” Faith interrupted.
“That’s a dumb question.”
“Do you love him?” she asked again.
“Yes.”
“Then keep fighting for him. Put yourself in his way. Keep your distance, but keep him thinking about you.”
Hope hugged her sister. “Have I told you lately what a great sister you are?”
“Nope. But you can sing my praises while Randy drives us home.”
Hope sat, crowded into the front seat of Randy’s pickup, thinking and thinking and thinking all the way home. Jake needed to see how she could fit comfortably into his life. He needed to see what a good partner she would be. And there was only one way to prove herself to him. By being there. The only question was, how could she get herself invited to spend time at Jake’s ranch?
AMANDA COULDN’T BELIEVE HER party had ended in such disaster. She’d watched Jake flatten the cowboy bothering Hope Butler, then stood mouth agape as he hauled Hope off into her house without a second thought for how it would look to their friends. It had been left to her to excuse Jake’s behavior and say good-bye to their guests.
“Amanda, are you all right?”
She turned to find Rabb Whitelaw at her elbow. “I’m fine,” she said, pasting a bright smile on her face.
Ever since Rabb had built the gazebo in her backyard she’d felt self-conscious around him. She didn’t understand her attraction to him. She only knew it was there.
Maybe it was the fact he’d worked all those weeks with his shirt off. She’d wanted to touch his broad shoulders, his bronzed flesh. She’d attributed her attraction to the fact he was so obviously healthy, when she’d spent so many years nursing her mother’s frail form.
She’d been drawn outside again and again to spend time with him, using the excuse of offering lemonade or iced tea on a hot day. And she’d stayed to talk, admiring his strong hands at work, creating something lasting and beautiful.
She realized she was staring at his hands and wondered now, as she had then, what they would feel like on her skin. She felt a frisson of excitement and flushed as she realized what she was doing. Flustered, she said, “Did you enjoy the party?”
She looked into his hazel eyes and was glad to see they revealed no awareness of her wayward thoughts. He was Jake’s brother, for heaven’s sake!
Rabb eyed the gazebo and said, “I’ll be over tomorrow to start fixing that up for you.”
Amanda felt the tears welling as she wandered into the ruined gazebo.
“Watch out!” Rabb caught her arm to hold her in place as he removed a jagged piece of lattice that had caught on her skirt.
He saw the tears and said, “Are you hurt?”
“No.” But she was hurting.
A moment later he had her in his arms. “You’re all right, Amanda. You’re fine,” he crooned.
Amanda sobbed against his shoulder. She hadn’t even cried like this when she’d buried her mother. She had nothing to cry about. Her life was almost perfect. She’d loved her mother, but it had been a relief after eleven years of illness when she finally passed away quietly in the night. Amanda had been eighteen when her mother became ill. She was thirty-two and only now discovering the wonders of pursuing interests of her own.
Was it any wonder she hadn’t wanted to rush into a marriage three years ago where she would have had all the responsibility of caring for a husband? She’d been flattered by Jake’s attention, delighted by the prospect of having a boyfriend, looked forward to dating him and discovering the pleasures to be enjoyed by two consenting adults.
Only that hadn’t turned out quite like she’d thought it would, either.
“Are you okay?” Rabb asked.
He was smoothing her short-cropped brown hair with his hand. It was a comforting gesture; there was nothing sexual about it. Nonetheless, it felt sensual.
Maybe that had something to do with the way her body was pressed against his from shoulders to thighs. She had no idea how her hands had ended up around his neck. Suddenly she disengaged herself and stood back.
“Thank you,” she said. She felt awkward again, when there was no reason for it. Rabb was Jake’s brother. And a friend.
“Jake doesn’t suffer fools gladly,” Rabb said.
“I know,” Amanda said, managing a wobbling smile. “I don’t know as much as I’d like to about him, but I do know that.”
“And he has a soft spot for Hope Butler,” Rabb said.
“It seems so.” She was engaged to a man she admired, and soon they would be married. But there were issues they hadn’t discussed.
One of them was Hope.
Even a blind man could see the girl was infatuated with Jake. Oh, he’d pointedly ignored her all afternoon. Until that cowboy had flirted a little too much and Jake had jumped in to save her. So maybe he hadn’t been quite as unaware of Hope as he’d pretended. What did that mean? Anything?
Amanda felt tears stinging her nose again. If only Jake hadn’t ruined her beautiful gazebo. She loved that silly, impractical structure. She’d planted morning glories all around, and they’d grown through the lattice, creating a cool, sweet-smelling haven when she’d wanted to be alone to think. Now lattice and greenery alike had been ravaged by the fight between her fiancé and one of his drunken hired hands over another woman.
Another woman. She found it hard to think of Hope Butler as a woman. She’d taught Hope in high school, and Amanda still remembered chastising the girl for being late to class, for popping bubble gum, for a dozen other infractions, none of which had kept Hope from getting an A in her class. Hope was smart and she did her work.
The Hope Butler who’d turned up today was trying to look and act like someone much older. And not doing it well.
Amanda surveyed her gazebo and sighed. “I think I’ll take you up on that offer, Rabb. That is, if you let me pay you.”
“There’ll be no charge.”
“I can’t let you do that,” she protested.
“Then I’ll take it out in trade.”
She raised an eyebrow and he continued. “I’ll come by after church tomorrow, and you can make me lunch.”
Amanda smiled. “Done. I’m a good cook. What would you like to have?”
“Meat loaf and mashed potatoes.”
At that moment, Jake appeared at her shoulder, and she realized she was making plans to have a single man other than her fiancé over for supper. His brother, no less.
“Uh, Jake, would you like to join Rabb and me for supper tomorrow?”
“I promised my brother Colt and his wife that I’d take care of their two kids for the next two weeks, while they take a vacation. It’s the last chance they’ll have to be alone before their third child is born. You two want to come over and join me?” Jake asked.
“No,” Amanda said quickly. She was afraid she’d said it too quickly. She didn’t want Jake thinking she didn’t enjoy his company. It was the kids she wanted to avoid. The same aversion to responsibility that had kept her from committing herself to a husband, had also made her leery of kids. She’d had enough of caretaking to last her a lifetime.
Maybe someday she would want children of her own, but she’d spent too many years changing diapers for her mother to want that kind of obligation again anytime soon. She’d loved her mother and, given the choice again, she would make the same sacrifice. But she wouldn’t have been human if there hadn’t been days when she resented the restrictions her mother’s illness had placed on her life.
Now that she could make a choice, was it any wonder she wanted her life to stay as carefree as possible? Was it so wrong to want to make up for those long years when freedom had been impossible?
“If you don’t mind,” she said. “I’d really like to get my gazebo repaired as soon as possible.”
“I’d offer to fix it for you,” Jake said, “but I know Rabb’s a better carpenter.”
The two men exchanged a look that Amanda couldn’t decipher.
“When will we see each other again?” Amanda asked Jake.
“As a matter of fact, I’d like some time alone with you now, if that’s all right,” Jake said.
The two men exchanged another look that Amanda found equally perplexing, before Rabb turned to her and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Amanda.”
“Thanks, Rabb. See you then.”
A moment later he was gone, and she was alone with Jake.
It was ridiculous to feel awkward being alone with her fiancé. They were getting married in two weeks. Jake would be entitled to all sorts of intimacies then. As would she.
Amanda looked at Jake, wondering what it would feel like to have his hands on her naked flesh. It was as though her thoughts had conjured action. Because Jake took a step and drew her into his embrace.
She barely managed to keep herself from stiffening as she felt his hips pressing against hers. Even so, she pushed at his shoulders and leaned back enough to look into his eyes.
“What happened today?” she asked.
He averted his gaze. “He was my hired hand. It was my responsibility to keep him in line.”
“Hmm.” She raised a hand to brush at a lock of black hair that had fallen over his forehead. “What about that trip upstairs with Hope? Is it your job to keep her in line, too?”
He brought his gaze back to bear on her, and she felt her heart clench at the tortured look in his eyes.
“That girl gets under my skin,” he admitted. “She’s a nuisance. That’s all. She’s promised to keep her distance from now on.”
“Until the wedding? Or afterward, too?”
He lifted a brow. “Are you jealous of her? You don’t need to be. You’re the one I’m marrying.”
Amanda felt doubt niggling at her, but she wasn’t sure how far she wanted to push Jake. He’d never said he loved her. But she’d never said the words to him, either. It had just been…understood.
“Kiss me, Jake,” she said. Make me feel loved. Reassure me that we’re doing the right thing.
His mouth came down on hers an instant later, hard and demanding. His hand rose to cup her breast, but she pressed herself harder against him, making it difficult for him to touch her. His hand slid down between them, across her abdomen, and her body tensed as she waited for his touch.
Before he reached his destination, she shoved hard at his chest and broke free. They were both breathing hard. His eyes glittered with…desperation.
Amanda shuddered. “Oh, God,” she said. “What are we doing?”
She stared at Jake, waiting for an answer.
“I thought you wanted this. I thought you wanted us to make love. You’ve put it off all this time. I thought you were finally ready.”
She shook her head. “No.” Another breath shuddered out of her. “Not like this.”
“Like what?” he said.
She searched his face, finding it devoid of any emotion. His eyes were shuttered, his features remote. “Do you love me, Jake?”
She was startled by the question. Strangely, she’d never asked it before. And she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answer.
“I respect you. I admire you. I think you’ll make a good wife.”
She smiled sadly. “I see.” She waited for him to inquire about her feelings for him. She wasn’t sure what she would have said. But he never asked.
He was a very attractive man. He’d proved he could be faithful to a wife, even though his wife had left him in the end. He was a successful cattle rancher, well-respected in the community. He had a large and loving family. He was perfect husband material.
Amanda just couldn’t seem to embrace the physical part of their relationship. She’d liked his kisses…at first. And aside from one disastrous incident a year ago, he’d never pressed her for more. But she couldn’t seem to get past the barriers that had grown over the three years they’d been engaged.
“I wish I had more experience,” she said lamely. She had slept with only one boy, although slept was the wrong word. Her one experience with sex had been quick and unsatisfying and she’d never wanted to repeat it. She wondered if Jake suspected how naive she was. She’d been putting off the moment when she shared her body with him, telling herself that it was better—for a lot of reasons—to save intimacy for marriage.
But what if she found out after they were married that Jake’s kisses were just as threatening to her peace of mind as they were now?
“I want to have sex…make love…with you, Jake. I just…”
“You don’t have to apologize. I was out of line.”
“No,” she said. “Your touches, your caresses, should be acceptable to—” She stopped herself, realizing that she was admitting that his touches, his caresses, were not in fact acceptable to her. She brushed her bangs out of her eyes and looked up at him unhappily. “Are we making a mistake, Jake?”
“I’m no less committed now than the day I asked you to marry me,” he said.
Amanda made a face. “But are we right for each other? Will we be able to live happily ever after?”
Jake rubbed a hand across his nape. “I don’t know,” he said. “What makes a successful marriage? I married for love the first time around and look what happened. You have all the qualities I want in a wife. You must think I’d make a good husband, or you wouldn’t have accepted my proposal. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t be happy together.”
And yet, Amanda thought, she hadn’t yet shared her body with him. Shouldn’t there be some passion between a married couple? Wasn’t that necessary for happiness?
She made herself close the distance between them and tugged on his shirt collar until he lowered his head for her kiss. She opened her mouth slightly, letting her lips rub damply across his, wanting gentleness, wanting…love.
The response she got was satisfyingly carnal. But there was no tenderness. No…love.
She broke the kiss quickly, before he could touch her again. “It’s been a long day,” she said. “I’m really tired.”
“Can I come in with you?” Jake asked.
She knew what he was asking. Was she going to make him wait until their wedding night to consummate this relationship? Was she going to allow this awkwardness to continue between them until the moment she walked down the aisle? Was she ready for a physical relationship with the man who would be her husband in two weeks?
He smiled, his hand gently caressing her cheek and said, “You know, we’re going to have to make it to bed together sometime if we want kids.”
