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The ball was over and the guests who had but a short journey to their homes were taking their leave, while those who had come some distance were saying good-night and going up to their rooms.
‘It was a lovely evening,’ Jane Lanchester said as she kissed Lucinda’s cheek. ‘I enjoyed myself so much. You must dine with us soon, Lucinda.’
‘I shall look forward to it. I believe we have two engagements for next week, but nothing the following week.’
‘Then keep the Tuesday night free,’ Jane said. ‘Andrew will ride over with the formal invitation in a day or so.’
‘Yes, I shall put it in my journal,’ Lucinda said. She offered her hand to Andrew, who took it and kissed it. ‘I hope you enjoyed yourself, Lord Lanchester?’
‘Indeed, I did, Duchess,’ he said and grinned at her. ‘Alack, there were no damsels in distress, but perhaps another time.’
‘He is incorrigible,’ Jane said and gave him a push towards the door. ‘I pity his poor wife when he marries.’
‘Why should I need a wife when I have a sister to nag me?’ he asked, but his eyes were merry and there was affection for her in his voice.
‘Is that the last?’ Justin came up to her as she went back into the hall. ‘A few of the gentlemen wish to play cards. You must be tired, Lucinda. I shall not come to you tonight—or should I say this morning? We shall begin our new life this new day, my love.’
‘Good night, Justin.’ Lucinda wasn’t certain whether she felt sorry or relieved that he did not intend to visit her that night. When she was in his arms she longed for more than the sweet kisses that turned her flesh to melting need, but how would she respond when he wanted more of her?
For a moment a memory flashed into her mind, causing her to shudder. Resolutely, she dismissed it. She had faced and conquered her fears before promising to wed Justin. That evil man would not ruin her chance of happiness! She refused to let what he’d done to her overshadow her life.
Justin was a gentleman, courteous and caring. She had believed she was ready to overcome her memories and become his proper wife. However, their estrangement had left her feeling a little uncertain of her husband’s true feelings. For a moment as he’d looked at her earlier, she’d felt he truly cared for and wanted her and she wanted nothing more than to be that man’s wife—but she would hate it if he came to her in anger or with indifference.
She wanted Justin to love her, deeply, passionately, as she loved him, but she was very afraid that he never would now. He wanted a wife to give him heirs, a woman he could be proud to call his duchess. Lucinda must strive to become that woman.
Going upstairs to her room, she found Alice sitting up for her.
‘You should have gone to bed, Alice. I could have managed.’
‘It is my job to sit up for you and my privilege,’ Alice replied. ‘You know I would do much more if you asked it of me.’
‘I have not asked yet, but I may do so quite soon,’ Lucinda said. ‘If I told you a very private secret, you would not repeat it to a soul?’
‘Cross my heart and hope to die.’
‘Then perhaps I shall soon now,’ Lucinda said. ‘But for now you may retire.’
Lucinda was thoughtful as she sat down to brush her hair. Justin disliked her going for long walks. If she furnished the two attic rooms with Alice’s help, she might bring her daughter and Nanny to the house.
She ought to ask Justin, of course, but if he was almost ready to forgive her she did not want to spoil things between them again. The empty rooms were above the guestrooms. Except when they had house parties that wing of the house was usually empty. No one would notice if a child cried sometimes.
She was sleepy as she slid into bed and pulled the covers up around her. It was outrageous to think of hiding her daughter in the attics of her husband’s house, but Angela had been coughing recently and Nanny said she thought the cottage might be damp.
‘It had not been used for a while and I think the roof leaks when it rains,’ she’d said. ‘It will do during the summer, Lucinda, but repairs will need to be done before the winter if we are to stay here.’
She must think of something to tell the servants and Mrs Mann. Alice would be privy to the truth, but they could not hope to keep the child’s presence a secret for long.
She had told the doctor that Angela was her dead cousin’s child. It might be best to continue with the same tale. Perhaps if she told Justin she wanted to help her cousin’s child…
As soon as he saw Angela he would guess the truth. No, she could not lie to him, so she must try to keep her secret a little longer. Perhaps she could find another cottage for Nanny and her daughter, though if they were farther away it would make it difficult for her to visit.
Lucinda knew that she had been deliberately shutting out the thoughts uppermost in her mind. Justin had allowed her one more night to sleep alone, but after that he intended to claim his rights as her husband.
Her heart was racing as she settled down to sleep. She was apprehensive, because she was not sure how to receive him. He could be charming and gentle, but he could also be cold and forbidding—which man would come to her bed?
Justin yawned as he sought his bed after the last of the gentlemen had retired for the night. As host he had no choice but to keep his guests company until the end, but he had never felt less like playing cards.
Why did Lucinda have to be so very beautiful? Watching her laughing and dancing with their guests, he had felt a hot surging desire—a need so strong that it had taken all his willpower to keep from sweeping her up into his arms and running off with her somewhere private where he could make love to her.
He was not sure when his feelings had become more intense. At the beginning he’d believed he felt affection and liking for the shy sweet girl he’d asked to be his bride, but of late he had been aware of a change. Perhaps it was merely the frustration of knowing she lay such a short distance from his bed. A few strides and he could be with her—he could take her into his arms and…but he must be patient. He had quarrelled with his bride over something that was not her fault and could not expect her to fall into his embrace with cries of love.
He did want her to love him. Justin wrinkled his brow. He had not thought love important when he proposed, imagining that mutual respect and liking would suffice—but now he knew it would not. Something had changed. He was not sure what or why, but it had suddenly become important that Lucinda should want him in her bed.
‘She has the snuffles again,’ Nanny said when Lucinda asked where her daughter was the next morning. ‘She was hot and miserable and so I left her in bed.’
‘This cottage is not suitable,’ Lucinda said. ‘I must make different arrangements for her.’
‘The child is strong and will be better soon,’ Nanny said. ‘But the bedrooms are cold and damp. I think I might bring our mattresses down here to the kitchens when it rains.’
‘It is not fit for either of you to be here,’ Lucinda said. ‘Leave it to me, Nanny. I shall find somewhere for you very soon—and now I must sit with Angela for half an hour. I do not wish to be away too long this morning, because we have guests.’
Lucinda found her daughter flushed and hot. She complained of a headache and a tummy ache, but after a while went back to sleep.
She must find somewhere for the child that was warm and dry, Lucinda thought as she walked back to the house that morning. Two of the attic rooms should be sufficient for their needs. Some of the rooms needed attention, but the two rooms she had thought in good condition would house Nanny and Angela—at least until she could find a better cottage close by.
Making up her mind to confide her secret to her maid, Lucinda quickened her step. Alice could carry up bedding and one of the footmen could take up clean dry mattresses. There was a bedstead in each of the rooms, also a chest in one and a table and chair in the other.
It was not ideal, but it would have to do for the moment.
When she had eaten breakfast, Lucinda kept her appointment with Lady Morgan. They had spent a pleasant hour talking together before some of the gentlemen joined them for refreshments.
After nuncheon, the gentlemen had played a game of cricket on the lawns while the ladies had sat in basket chairs and applauded. Justin had scored the most runs for his team and, flushed with success, he had come to perch on a cushion at Lucinda’s feet when tea was brought.
At a quarter to six the ladies went up to change for dinner, the gentlemen following a few minutes later. As Lucinda was changing, the door to the dressing room opened and Justin came through. He was clad only in breeches and shirt, his feet bare. Lucinda’s heart caught, her breath coming faster because he looked so handsome and there was something very sensual about bare feet and his tight breeches. She felt her stomach tighten, a spasm of what she dimly recognised as desire shooting through her. In that moment she longed to be alone with him, to be held in his arms and kissed, feeling disappointed as he addressed the maid, ‘No, you need not go,’ he said as Alice curtsied and prepared to leave them together. ‘I came only to bring my wife a trinket.’
He laid a box on the dressing table. ‘You did very well today, dearest. I think we shall have permanent guests if you continue to make them so comfortable.’
‘Most are leaving tomorrow, Justin.’
‘Yes, I know, but my cousins will stay another day or so—and some of my friends have already invited themselves for the shooting next month.’
Lucinda opened the box he’d given her, gasping with pleasure as she saw the beautiful baroque pearl on a slender gold chain.
‘This is lovely, Justin. Thank you.’
‘I think you deserve it for all your hard work.’ He bent to kiss her cheek. ‘I shall come to you tonight,’ he murmured against her ear.
Lucinda nodded, but said nothing. She glanced at Alice as her husband went back through the dressing room to his own bedchamber.
‘Is everything prepared?’
‘Yes, my lady. I asked Jenkins to help me. He is very friendly towards me and he likes you. I told him you were bringing the child of a deceased relative here and needed somewhere quiet since the child has been ill.’
‘Did he think it strange that I should choose the attics rather than the nursery?’
‘He did not say so, my lady.’
‘Do not think I like to deceive my husband, Alice. I dare not tell him for fear that he would be angry and send her away.’
‘It isn’t right that you should have to hide the child,’ Alice said. ‘I had a cousin who bore a child out of wedlock and she was treated worse than a thief. You were not to blame for what happened, my lady. Why can others not accept the child and allow you to be happy?’
‘It is the way of society. An illegitimate child is a badge of shame, Alice. I could not expect my husband to allow me to keep her as my own—but if I could keep her openly as my cousin’s child it would content us both.’
‘Why do you not ask him? The duke is not an unkind man—though he has a fearful temper. I thought he might kill me when you disappeared after the wedding.’
‘Poor Alice. It was not your fault. Had my letter not fallen down behind the chest, he might not have been so angry.’
‘I think it must have been a gust of wind that blew it there. The window was open and the curtains had tangled when I returned. I closed the window, but never saw your note.’
‘I should have put it on the bed, but I was in too much distress to think clearly.’ Lucinda stood up to go downstairs. ‘I shall bring the child and Nanny here early in the morning. You must be ready for us and take them up the back stairs.’
‘Yes, of course, my lady. You know you can rely on me.’
Alice agreed readily, but looked a little doubtful, and Lucinda knew that her maid thought she ought to tell her husband the truth. It would be the proper thing to do, but she was afraid of making him angry again.
Perhaps after they had become man and wife in truth it might be easier. If Justin were pleased with her, he would be more likely to accept her child into his house.
He was coming to her tonight. Her heart was racing as she left her room to go downstairs for dinner.
Would she please him? Was he truly ready to forgive her and to forget?
They had fewer guests that evening, but those that remained were either Justin’s relatives or his close friends and the atmosphere was relaxed. Lucinda laughed quite a lot, because his cousins flattered and teased her. Because she was enjoying herself the time soon passed and she found herself saying good-night to everyone. Justin said nothing, but his eyes told her that he was eager to visit her that night.
As soon as Alice had unfastened her gown and taken it away, Lucinda sent her to bed. She put on one of her prettiest wrapping gowns and sat brushing her hair before the dressing mirror. She had just applied a little perfume to her wrists and a spot behind her ears when the door of the dressing room opened and Justin came through.
He was wearing a long satin-striped dressing robe and his feet were bare. Lucinda guessed that he was not wearing anything beneath the robe and her pulses raced. She stood up anxiously, trying to still her nerves as she waited for him to come to her.
‘You look lovely as always,’ he said, his eyes dark with passion. ‘I have been thinking of this moment all day, Lucinda. I think we must put all the unpleasantness of the past weeks behind us and become husband and wife in the proper sense. I have been foolish to let my disappointment stand in the way of our marriage.’
‘You know that I am truly sorry for any pain I caused you?’
‘I believe you did not mean to hurt me. Perhaps you did not realise the agony I should feel not knowing whether you were in trouble—or even if you were alive.’
‘Had you found my note you might have understood at least a part,’ she said and, gathering her courage, moved towards him. ‘I do wish to be a good wife to you, Justin.’
‘You will be, just as I shall be a good husband,’ he said and smiled. ‘Come here, Lucinda. What happens now is meant to be a pleasure to both of us. I know you must have been deeply distressed and scarred by your experiences, but I shall not hurt you. I shall be gentle with you, though I hope in time you may learn to enjoy and anticipate our loving.’
‘I do not fear you,’ Lucinda said, looking at him earnestly. ‘It was a part of the reason I hesitated to accept your offer, Justin. I wondered if I might not be able to respond, but when you kissed me I discovered that it made me want to be in your arms. If you are patient with me, I shall try to respond as you would wish.’
‘You need do nothing but be yourself,’ he said softly and bent his head to caress her mouth with his own. His kiss was sweet and tender, drawing an instant response from her. She put her arms about his neck, her fingers moving at his nape, her lips parted on a breath of pleasure. ‘You are so sweet. You taste like honey and wine and you smell divine.’
‘I want to please you,’ Lucinda said and touched his cheek. ‘Show me how to be all the things you want, Justin—in bed and in the life we lead. Help me to make you proud of me, teach me what your duchess should know.’
He gave a little groan. ‘I was a beast to say those things to you, Lucinda. Please forgive me. I was hurt and struck out, but I do care for you. I want you and—I am proud of you. You managed everything faultlessly this weekend, with little help from me.’
‘Hush, forget it and love me,’ she murmured. ‘I want so much for us to be as we were before…’
Justin moaned softly and bent to lift her in his arms. He carried her to the bed and laid her down, untying the strings of her robe and letting it fall open so that his eyes could feast on her beauty. Her skin was creamy and soft, unblemished despite the child she’d borne, her nipples dark, her breasts full and firm. Watching her at the ball as she laughed and danced with the bevy of admirers she had gained so swiftly, he had felt jealous and envious of the way she smiled at her friends—especially Andrew Lanchester.
She seemed so at ease with him, laughter lighting her eyes as she looked up at him. It had pained Justin to see the laughter fade as she met his own gaze. He had realised then that he had demanded too much, crushed her spirit, hurting her by his harshness when all he wanted was to hold her and kiss her, to lie with her as his wife.
‘It is all I want,’ Justin said and discarded his robe. He kneeled on the bed beside her, lifting her to help her out of the satin robe so that she lay naked amongst the sheets. Then he bent his head and began to kiss her breasts, caressing them with the tip of his tongue so that her nipples peaked and hardened. Lying beside her, he stroked the smooth arch of her back as he pulled her towards him. His hand moved down her thigh as he caressed and fondled her, his lips seeking hers in a long hungry kiss.
Lucinda did not flinch from him, though she did not reach out to caress him in return. Justin longed for her to touch and stroke him as he stroked her, but she lay quiescent, trembling a little in his arms as he loved her, though once or twice her lips parted on a sigh.
When his hand moved between her thighs she stilled, her eyes opening. He saw the fear she was trying to hide and he kissed her, moving his fingers slowly, gently, giving her time to discover that a man’s intimate touch could be pleasant rather than a humiliating punishment. Gradually, she relaxed again, a little sighing moan leaving her lips.
Lucinda would not deny him if he took her now, but despite his hunger and the burning need in his loins, Justin knew that if he took their loving all the way that night he might lose something precious. He wanted her to be eager for his touch and he suspected that she was nervous, steeling herself for what was to come, though determined not to refuse him. In his haste to make love to her he had neglected to consider her feelings sufficiently. Because of what had happened to Lucinda when she was sixteen he must take great care not to hurt her.
‘I believe we shall need a little longer to know each other,’ he said. ‘Tonight I shall pleasure you, but I shall not enter you, Lucinda. You must learn to trust me and welcome my touch before we become truly one.’
‘I do trust you,’ she said and pressed her face against his chest. ‘I’m sorry if I am a disappointment to you, Justin.’
‘Hush, my sweet. Do not weep. Let me show you that there is pleasure in loving and many ways to please the one you love.’
Lucinda lay looking up at him with wide eyes as he bent his head and began to kiss and caress her with tongue and lips and the sensitive tips of his fingers. As Justin kissed her breasts, her navel, licking delicately at the tender flesh between her thighs, and then the most secret centre of her femininity, she quivered and trembled, giving a little moaning cry. Yet still her hands lay unmoving by her sides and she did not touch him.
As she lay trembling in his arms, he saw tears on her cheeks.
‘Forgive me if I have distressed you. I wanted only to show you that it is not usually the way it was for you that night. I wanted to teach you how to find pleasure in the marriage bed.’
‘I wish I could be the shy virgin bride you wanted,’ she said in a muffled voice, her face against his shoulder. ‘I must be such a disappointment to you.’
‘No, my love, you are not,’ he said and drew her close to him, stroking her back. ‘Hush, Lucinda, do not weep. I am sorry. I should have waited until you were ready.’
‘I shall forget,’ she vowed, her words distorted because she had buried into his side like a little kitten seeking comfort. ‘I shall make you proud of me. I shall learn to be the wife you need.’
‘Go to sleep,’ he said and kissed her hair. ‘We shall do much better when you are used to me.’
Lucinda lay still beside him and after a while realised that he was sleeping. He had one arm over her, holding her to him, and she found that comforting, but she was afraid she had let him down yet again. Justin had been kind, but he needed more from her. Something she had not known how to give.
His kisses and his touch had made her feel that she wanted him to love her, but then she’d lain like a block of wood not knowing how to respond. Her father had called her a shameless hussy and her grandmother had ridiculed and beaten her for showing any emotion other than contrition.
Justin had been gentle and patient with her that night, but she knew he’d wanted something more from her. His touch had made her cry out, giving her an exquisite pleasure, but she had given him little in return. She sincerely wished to be a good wife and please him in all ways, but something inside her had held back, perhaps because she feared to be hurt, not so much physically but in other ways.
She loved Justin, wanted him to love her, but she knew she could not measure up to his high standards. He expected so much of her and she had failed him in every way.
If he discovered that she had lied to him about her daughter, if he knew that she had been visiting her daughter in the woods or guessed what she meant to do now, he would be so angry.
