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Callie put down her pen. ‘I’m sorry. I just wanted to know whether you’d planned the pregnancy or not.’
‘Because I’m sixteen? Because I’m young it must have been a mistake? Is that what you’re saying?’
Rhea met Callie’s gaze for the first time, and now Callie could see how frightened and unsure this young girl was.
Where was her support? She was so young! It had to be scary for her. Callie herself was twenty-eight—a whole twelve years older than Rhea—and she was terrified of being pregnant. How could she even begin to imagine how this girl felt?
‘No, not at all. I didn’t mean that. It’s a standard question—’
‘Well, I don’t want to talk about it. Next?’
Rhea folded her arms and closed up and didn’t meet Callie’s eyes again for the rest of the meeting.
It was obvious she was a troubled young woman, and if Callie was going to be there for her then she needed to get the young girl on side.
‘Let’s start again … Let’s look at your family health. Any medical problems on your side of the family I should know about? Diabetes? Asthma?’
Rhea shook her head reluctantly. ‘We’re fine.’
‘Again this is a standard question: any history of depression? Anything like that?’
‘My mum has that.’
Right, okay—that’s something.
‘Do you know if your mum suffered with postnatal depression?’
‘No.’
‘That’s okay.’ Voice still neutral. Unthreatening. Soft. Rhea was answering the questions.
‘What about the father of the baby?’
Rhea stiffened, still not meeting her gaze, shuffling her feet, twiddling with her bag strap with nervous fingers. ‘What about him?’
‘Any health issues on his side we should be concerned about?’
‘I don’t know.’
What is it about the father of this baby that she doesn’t want me to know?
‘How tall is he?’
‘What?’ Rhea frowned.
‘His height? It can have a bearing on the size of your baby.’
Surely she can tell me his height?
‘I don’t know.’
Callie paused. What was going on here? How did she not know the boy’s height? Or perhaps she did know but didn’t want to give Callie any clues that might identify him? Perhaps he was an older man? Married? Or was he younger than Rhea? Which would be a whole different kettle of fish. Not that she wanted to think that way, but it was a possibility she had to consider.
‘How did you two meet?’ That wasn’t a standard question, but Callie felt she needed to do some extra detective work on this case if she were to get any helpful answers.
‘What’s that got to do with anything?’
Callie shrugged. ‘I’m just interested.’
‘Nosy, more like. How I got pregnant has got nothing to do with you. You’re a midwife. You should know how people get pregnant, yeah? So just tell me what I need to do next so I can get out of here.’
Callie shrank back from the anger, but she was getting really concerned for Rhea. The girl was so angry and scared. There had to be a way to help her. To get the young girl to trust her.
‘Okay, okay … I guess what I really need to know is your intention. You’re very young and I have no idea of your support system. I’m making no judgements, but I need to know what your intentions are regarding this pregnancy.’
‘My intentions?’
‘Yes. Are you keeping it? Are you here to ask about other options?’ She didn’t want to use the word abortion unless Rhea used it first.
She was quiet for a while, and Callie could see that Rhea’s eyes were filling with tears. Her nose was going red and she was really fighting the urge to cry. All Callie’s instincts told her to reach out and comfort her, to put an arm around her, to show her that someone genuinely cared. But it wouldn’t have been professional to break that boundary— and, besides, she wasn’t comfortable being that person just yet with Rhea. Any show of affection might have the opposite effect and send Rhea running for the hills.
So she sat quietly and waited, her gaze on Rhea’s face.
‘I don’t want it.’ Her voice was quiet and empty of emotion.
‘You don’t?’ This was what she’d suspected.
‘No.’
‘Then there are two options open to you, Rhea.’
Tears rolled down Rhea’s cheeks. ‘I can’t have an abortion. I don’t believe in it.’
‘Right … okay.’
‘I want to give it away. Get rid of it that way.’
It.
So impersonal. So unattached.
I called my baby ‘it’.
There had to be personal reasons for Rhea’s decision, but Callie truly felt that now was not the time to push for them. If Rhea wanted to give her baby away after it was born, that gave Callie six more months of learning about Rhea and working with her to find out what was going on and how best she could help her.
It was a big decision to give away your baby.
It was what I was going to do. Give the baby to Lucas and Maggie. Only it’s not ‘the’ baby now. It’s ‘my’ baby, isn’t it?
Isn’t it?
Callie wasn’t sure. She and Lucas still hadn’t discussed properly what they were going to do to sort this. But they needed to. They were on the clock now and time was ticking. Should she still give the baby to Lucas? Was it even her decision to make?
Callie decided that once the booking clinic was over she was going to call the fertility clinic and ask to speak to one of the counsellors there. She, Lucas and Maggie had each undertaken individual counselling before agreeing to the surrogacy, but the situation had changed now. Everything was different.
I was going to give my baby away. Happily. I was going to do it for Lucas and Maggie.
Who was Rhea doing it for? What was Rhea doing it for?
‘Okay. We can talk about that. It’s a big decision.’
‘I know what I’m doing.’
‘Have you talked to your family about it?’
‘It’s not their decision. It’s mine. My body—my choice.’
‘Of course it is. I’m not denying that.’
‘Just put it in my notes that I’m giving it away. The Social can have it. I don’t want to see it, or hold it. Just get them to take it away and give it to someone who doesn’t know where it’s come from.’
‘Doesn’t know where it’s come from’? Why would she say that? Did Maria think that way about me? She never wanted me. Never wanted anything to do with me. Was my own mother like this young girl once?
‘I’ll put it in your notes. You do know that I’ll be here for you throughout this, Rhea? Any time. You’ll be able to call me, night or day. I’ll give you my contact details.’ She passed over a small card that had the hospital numbers and Callie’s own personal mobile number on it too.
Rhea stuffed it into her bag. ‘I don’t want anyone judging me.’
‘No one will do that.’
‘You don’t know what I’ve been through.’
‘No. But I’m hoping that at some point you’ll trust me enough to tell me.’
She meant it. Sincerely she meant it. And she hoped Rhea could sense that. It was at times like these that Callie’s job meant the world to her. It was at times like these when she felt she could really help someone—and this young girl clearly needed help for something.
If only she’d let me in. If only she’d let me help her so that another baby doesn’t grow up feeling like I did as a child. Unwanted and unloved.
‘Don’t you need to take my blood pressure or something?’
Rhea broke the silence and Callie nodded, glad that Rhea was offering her something.
‘Of course. I need to take blood, too.’
‘I brought this.’ Rhea reached into her bag and took out a small jar with a urine sample in it. ‘I washed it out before I used it.’
‘That’s great—thanks.’ She would need another sample if this one was more than two hours old. It was hospital policy. However, she wasn’t going to say that. Rhea had offered her a little something. That would have to do for now.
Rhea’s blood pressure was fine, as was her urine sample. Nothing out of the ordinary and all well within parameters. Physically, she seemed fine. It was just emotionally that something was off.
‘You know, I’m really looking forward to getting to know you better throughout this, Rhea.’
‘Yeah, well, don’t go thinking you’ll get me to change my mind.’
‘That’s not my place.’
‘No, it isn’t. No one has the right to judge me for giving this thing away.’
‘No, they haven’t.’ I was going to give a baby away myself. ‘But please don’t call the baby a “thing”. Call it what it is.’
Rhea stood up to go and slung her bag over her shoulder. ‘It’s a thing. It will always be a thing. It’ll never be anything else.’ And she stormed from the clinic.
Callie watched her go, bewildered and amazed. In some ways Rhea seemed so strong, but in others she was just a tiny young girl, terrified and afraid.
And what am I afraid of?
Callie’s hand went to her own stomach, as yet still unchanged in size. She didn’t even know she was doing it until her phone beeped a text message alert and she was brought back into the present. As she rummaged in her bag for her phone thoughts echoed through her mind.
Don’t go getting attached.
You have no idea if you’re keeping it either.
CHAPTER TWO (#u5b7856fa-68c3-5266-8114-1bceb5297cde)
THE NEXT DAY Callie was scheduled to work on a twin delivery. She could see that Lucas was on duty that day too, along with the senior consultant Dev Patel, though she hadn’t seen him yet. They had four women in labour, most in early stages, and Callie had been assigned to a woman in her late forties, having her first babies. Callie hadn’t been expecting to work with Lucas, but he was already in the room.
‘There’s been some decelerations,’ he said, after saying hello and seeing her look of surprise.
Olivia Hogarth was on her knees, leaning over the back of the bed, panicking and almost out of control, showing real signs of not dealing with her labour at all. Every time a contraction came along a terrified look came into Olivia’s eyes and she began to huff and puff on the Entonox as if for dear life. Her husband, James, stood helpless beside her. He was at a complete loss as to what to do, but kept rubbing her back for dear life as she held on to the support of the bed.
‘Hi, Olivia, I’m Callie, and I’m going to be your midwife today.’ Callie leant round the back of the bed so Olivia could see her face and not just hear a random voice.
‘Hurgh!’ Olivia’s teeth gripped the mouthpiece and her frightened gaze practically begged Callie to do something. ‘Help me!’
‘Okay … slow, deep breaths … that’s it. Slow your breathing.’ Callie showed Olivia how to breathe in slowly through her nose for five seconds and then out through her mouth for five more seconds.
‘I’m all tingly!’ Olivia protested when the contraction was over. ‘Pins and needles.’
‘It’s because you’re not exhaling properly. Come on—practise with me whilst there’s no contraction.’
As Olivia practised Callie took a moment to glance at Olivia’s trace. There were some decelerations in the babies’ heartbeats. Not by much, but they were definitely there. Each time Olivia’s babies got squeezed by a contraction the heart-rate dipped, which meant they weren’t liking labour very much.
Callie wasn’t happy with the trace and glanced up at Lucas as he came to stand by her and judge it for himself.
Sometimes decelerations could be caused by there being a short cord, or a knot in the cord, or by the cord being tightly wrapped around the baby’s body. It didn’t mean that there was something wrong with the baby physically. But Callie knew it was never worth taking any chances. It was always best to call for help if you were working alone. If you weren’t sure you got someone else. Fortunately she already had Lucas there.
He stood beside her, dressed all in black, in tailored shirt and trousers, and she could smell his aftershave. Since she’d got pregnant smells and aromas had seemed particularly pronounced, and his was delicious today.
Callie glanced at him sideways as he concentrated on the trace. Her heart skipped a beat—palpitations? She’d never had those before—it had to be the pregnancy. She supposed she couldn’t help it, she thought wryly. He was a very attractive man after all. Hadn’t she watched a multitude of women fawn over him?
