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His words echoed around her skull like a bully taunting her in the playground.
Of course. She’d told neither Lucas nor Maggie about feeling a bit dodgy these last few days. She’d kept it to herself so that if it were true that she was having a baby it would be the best surprise to give them …
Only now it was backfiring as a great idea. There was a test in the bathroom, currently marinating, about to tell them both their future. She could be pregnant. With Lucas’s child and no Maggie to play the part of mother!
So who would be mum, then?
Callie recoiled at the thought, looking away from Lucas and shifting back in her chair. She nibbled on her nail, worrying about all the implications.
She’d never wanted to be a mother—that was the whole point! It was her gift to Lucas and Maggie: the most perfect gift you could ever give to your best friend. A baby. Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes … all for them to look after, allowing her to swoop in occasionally on visits and bestow a few ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ before sweeping out again. The perfect—and distant—godparent.
And that was all. Callie wasn’t meant to have a bigger role than that!
Sitting there, she felt numb. She knew she needed to go to the bathroom. To check that result. All she had to do was excuse herself …
Callie leapt to her feet and turned to Lucas to say something, but he’d gone. Her eyes tracked a movement to her left and she saw him disappearing into her bathroom …
‘No!’
The bathroom door closed and she heard him lock the door.
Oh, God …
She waited.
And waited.
She heard the flush of her cistern, then the running of her sink taps. Closing her eyes in disbelief, she could see in her mind’s eye him picking up the test on the sink and finding out that …
That what? It could still be negative, couldn’t it? There was every possibility that the egg salad she’d eaten last night had been off. And the day before that? Maybe that jacket potato had been past its sell-by date …
Lucas emerged from the bathroom. He held the test in his hand and came back into her lounge, looking perplexed. His every step was heavy. Then his gaze met hers. ‘You’re pregnant?’
She stared at him, hearing the words but needing confirmation still. ‘It’s positive? Two lines?’
He turned it round so she could see and, yes, there were two solid pink lines.
Callie’s mouth went dry. Sinking back down onto the couch, she felt her head sink into her hands. Tears burned her eyes with a fire she’d never felt before.
‘You’re pregnant.’
This time it wasn’t a question.
Callie sat numb, aware only of Lucas sinking onto the couch next to her, just an inch or so away.
She hoped he wouldn’t put his arm around her, or tell her everything was going to be okay, because how could he? How could he know?
Neither of them had any idea.
So they sat in silence, staring only at the carpet.
CHAPTER ONE (#u5b7856fa-68c3-5266-8114-1bceb5297cde)
DR LUCAS GOLD sat next to Callie in the ultrasound waiting room, wishing he had something he could do with his hands. Nerves were running him through with adrenaline, and he had to fight the strong urge to get out of his seat and pace the floor.
He wasn’t used to feeling out of his depth in the hospital. It was his home turf—the place he felt most secure. He knew what he was doing with work and he was looked up to and respected for it. But this situation was brand-new. Something he’d never experienced before. It was completely terrifying and he had no idea how to handle it. His insides were a mish-mash of conflicting thoughts and emotions, all jarring with each other and fighting for superiority, whilst on the outside he hoped he was maintaining an air of calm authority. As everyone was used to.
His best friend, Callie, was drinking water from a white plastic cup, an oasis of calm, whilst he sat there, rigid, a million thoughts running through his head.
‘Callie Taylor?’ A nurse in blue scrubs stood in a doorway.
He glanced at Callie, meeting her gaze and offering a supporting smile, although he knew he was probably just as nervous as she was. This situation was all just so … complicated! Not the way he’d imagined this time in his life being at all. But he tried not to show it. He didn’t want Callie worrying. He didn’t want her to think that he had any doubts at all.
Not that I do. Have doubts, that is. Not about the baby anyway.
And he knew that she just had to be as frightened of this as he was. The situation wasn’t perfect, was it? For either of them. People didn’t normally plan to have babies like this. But it was the situation they were in and he was going to make it work—no matter what. The important thing here was the baby, and he was determined to do right by his child as well as his best friend. After all, he was the one who’d got her into this mess. There were so many men who got a woman pregnant and then, when the circumstances changed, left them holding the baby.
Well, not me. I could never be that man.
They both stood and he reached out to touch her upper arm, just to offer her some reassurance. But something held him back and he stopped, letting his hand drop away, pretending not to have done it and hoping she hadn’t noticed. She wasn’t his to touch, after all.
‘After you.’
He followed her into the darkened room and stood by her side. He held his hands out as she got onto the bed, to make sure she wasn’t about to fall whilst she carried his precious cargo, before sitting down in the chair beside it.
The sonographer smiled at them both. ‘Oh, Callie, I didn’t realise it was you!’ It was one of her colleagues: Sophie. ‘Are you happy for me to perform your scan today?’
Callie nodded. ‘‘Course!’
Sophie beamed. ‘So exciting! Okay, can you confirm your name and date of birth for me?’
Callie gave the details.
‘And it says here that this is your first pregnancy?’
‘That’s right.’
Callie’s voice held a tremor and Lucas glanced at her, wondering what she was thinking.
‘And when was the date of your last period?’
‘February seventh.’
Sophie fiddled with the plastic wheel that Lucas knew was a predictor of delivery dates. ‘So that makes you twelve weeks and two days today—is that right?’
‘Yes.’
‘Okay, so what I’m going to do is ask you to lower the waistband on your trousers. I’ll put some gel on you, which might feel cold but will help the transducer move around easier and also helps with a better image. Now, do you have a full bladder?’
‘Fit to burst.’
Sophie laughed. ‘I’ll try not to press on it too hard. So, do you want to just undo your trousers for me and lower the waist?’
Lucas glanced away, looking elsewhere to give Callie some privacy. He waited for Sophie to tuck some blue paper towel into the top of Callie’s underwear before turning back. He watched the sonographer squirt on the gel, mentally hurrying her in his mind, but smiling when Callie gasped at the feel of it on her warm skin. Then he waited.
Sophie had the screen turned away from them both as she made her initial sweeps with the scanner, and Lucas had to fight every instinct in his body not to get up and go round the bed to have a look at the screen himself!
It was difficult to be the patient. To be the person on the other side. He was used to being the one who knew what was going on first. But he knew he had to wait. Sophie would be checking for an actual embryo first, then a heartbeat, before she turned the screen for them to see.
He’d have to learn how to be patient if he was going to be a good parent.
He glanced at Callie and noticed the frown on her face in the half-light. He wanted to tell her it would be all right, to hold her hand tight in his and tell her that there was nothing for her to worry about, but he knew he couldn’t. Not yet. What was the right etiquette in this situation? No one told you that at the clinic.
She’s pregnant with my child and I daren’t even touch her.
Besides, how could he tell her there was nothing to worry about? It wasn’t true, was it? There was plenty to worry about. Like how this was going to work in the first place. Maggie was supposed to be by his side at this moment, both of them watching the screen with Callie, but Maggie was gone. That was still a shock. They were on their own now and he had no idea what Callie was thinking.
Then Sophie was smiling and turning the screen. ‘There you are … your baby.’
‘Oh, my God!’
Lucas couldn’t quite believe it! After all the uncertainty—all the testing, the waiting, the drugs, the injections, the tests. After all this time … There it was. A tiny grey bean shape, nestling in Callie’s womb, its tiny heart busily beating away. It was amazing. Surreal.
My child …
His eyes burned into the screen, imprinting the shape of his child, the beat of its strong heart, into his memory for ever. This was something that could never be forgotten. Pride filled his soul and he felt an instant connection and a surge of protectiveness for his little bean—and for Callie.
He’d waited so long for this moment …
To be a father … it’s real … it’s happening …
A laugh of relief escaped him and he reached out without thinking and grabbed Callie’s hands in his, not noticing her flinch, forgetting that she wasn’t good with physical contact. His prior fears were forgotten in the moment of joy.
‘Can you believe it, Callie?’
She shook her head, not speaking, and he saw the welling of tears in her own eyes and was glad. He wouldn’t normally be glad to see anyone well up with tears or cry, but this was different. They were in a difficult situation, the pair of them, thrown together into having a baby when they weren’t even a couple. Now Maggie had gone they had to find a way through this situation themselves …
After Maggie had left them both in the lurch they’d initially struggled even to be in the same room as each other. It had been so hard to know what to do or say in their situation. And so wrong that they had to feel that way! They were best friends and always had been.
Maggie had been quick to see a solicitor and apply for a divorce. She’d said it was best for both of them. She’d been quick to sever all ties.
As the days had passed the atmosphere between him and Callie had got a little less awkward—though it still wasn’t what it once had been. He knew Callie had as much adjustment to make to this situation as he had—if not more. It was a tough test of their friendship … one that neither of them could ever have imagined they would have to face. They were both testing the water like anxious ducklings, not knowing if they were going to sink or swim.
Each day that they worked together brought new challenges for both of them. He could sense her awkwardness each time she worked with him. Often he found himself craving the relaxed atmosphere they’d used to have with each other. The ability to laugh at the same things, to predict what the other was thinking.
Only last week he’d helped her out on a particularly difficult shoulder dystocia and, though they’d worked together efficiently for their patient, the old rapport had not been the same and he’d felt the tension between them return the second the baby had been delivered safely. When he’d left the patient’s room he’d banged his fist against the wall with frustration at the whole situation.
But he was thrilled that seeing the baby meant something to Callie too. After all, he knew she’d never wanted to have a baby of her own. Not after the way she’d been treated by her own mother. Callie’s childhood had been bloody awful compared to his. To see that she was just as affected as he was at seeing the baby onscreen was priceless.
‘It’s a baby,’ she said.
Sophie laughed at them both. ‘Of course it is!’ She began to take measurements. She measured the head-to-rump length and then zoomed in on the nuchal fold, which was one of the measurements they took at the three-month scan to check the risk factors for Down syndrome. ‘This all looks fine. Well within parameters.’
‘That’s good,’ Lucas said, relieved.
‘I had no idea you two were together. You kept that quiet,’ Sophie said.
Callie glanced at him, a question in her eyes. Should they correct her?
‘Actually … er … we’re not …’ He stumbled over the explanation, his words fading away as he recalled Maggie’s impression of their relationship. ‘You love Callie, Lucas! Always have! I could never live up to her, so now I’m giving you the chance to be together!’
‘We’re not together,’ Callie said. ‘Just having a baby.’
Lucas gave a polite smile.
Sophie raised her eyebrows. ‘There’s no “just” about it—you two should know that. Having a baby is hard work.’
‘You give all your patients this pep talk?’ Lucas didn’t want her attacking their decision, and he certainly didn’t want Callie getting upset. She’d been through enough already, what with all the morning sickness and everything.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—’
Lucas shook his head, appalled that he’d been snappy with her. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be sharp with you/It’s just been a tough few months already.’ What was he doing? He wasn’t normally this prickly.
But Sophie was obviously used to the up-down moods of her patients and she smiled. ‘That’s all right. Here—take these.’ She passed over a long strip of black-and-white scan photos.
Callie took the opportunity to pull free of his cradling hand and took the pictures first. She held them out before her, admiring each one, and then turned them so that Lucas could see. ‘Look, Lucas.’
His heart expanded as he looked at each one. He could physically feel his love growing for this little bean-shaped creature he didn’t yet know, but had helped create. All right, maybe not in the most ideal of circumstances, but they’d find a way to make it work. They had to. Even though he knew he and Callie would never be together like that.
‘You okay?’ He looked into her eyes and saw the tears had run down her cheeks now. He hoped they were happy tears. She seemed happy, considering …
‘I’m good,’ she said, nodding. ‘You’d better take these.’ She offered the pictures to him, but he sat back, shaking his head.
‘Not all of them. I’ll take half. You’ll need some too.’
She looked puzzled, and he didn’t like the look on her face. It made him feel uncomfortable to think that maybe she still didn’t feel that the baby was part hers.
‘It’s your baby, too,’ he insisted.
The smile left her face and Callie avoided his gaze, looking down and then wiping the gel from her belly using the paper towel.
He helped her sit up and turned away so she could stand and fasten her trousers. Then, when he judged enough time had passed, he turned back and smiled at her. ‘Ready for work?’
‘As I’ll ever be.’
He thanked Sophie for her time and followed Callie, blinking in the brightness of the waiting room. He tried to avoid looking at all the couples holding hands. Couples in love, having a baby. The way he ought to be having a child with a partner.
Yet look at how I’m doing it.
