The Theatrical Primer

51

The Kind gentle lady is crying. She is the Actor's landlady. She spends half the day picking up cigarette stumps from the Floor of the actor's room. It is a labor of love that she does, for she thinks the actor is the Most beautiful ever. Such nice Manners as he has, and he is always so Immaculate. But why is the Little lady crying? Ah, it is because the Actor is very Poor. He is always waiting for money from Home, but his people are forgetful. No; he has not Paid his rent for Many a day. When he pays up will the lady stop Crying? We fear not, for she will have been in her Grave long since.

52

See the tall Negro. Is not his uniform Gorgeous? What is that he is Saying? Ah, it is, "Foourr, elseven, emniine," Do you not understand that he is calling the Carriages? No; it is not necessary for Him to make such a Noise, but it is very impressive. Why does he use a Megaphone? Because the Drivers would hear him plainly if he did not and the Carriages would get Away too soon to Make a great impression.

53

This is a Theatrical photograph. How lovely is the Young woman; how pensive. She looks like the Madonna. So kind; so good and so sweet. Does the picture resemble the Actress? Certainly not. Her best friends would Not know it was a photo of Her. That is right, Johnny; draw a Mustache on the face. Do not put a beard on Her. Only managers are Allowed to Beard actresses. Why did the Lady take the pictures if they do Not look like her? Perhaps she wants to look good anyway. Yes; the Photographer knows his business. He is a Scotchman and Very canny. He talks with a Burr.

54

Here we see the Deluded heroine. She has been Deserted by her Cru-el and faithless Lover. See how Poorly she is clothed. She is trying to Make an honest living selling Matches. It is snowing and the poor Girl must sleep on the Doorstep. She is starving; but Why does she not Pawn her diamond rings? Hush! they are heirlooms. No, Johnny; if she got a Divorce and became a Chorus girl she would Spoil the whole Show. Then the manager would be Very angry. Managers are not Always considerate.

55

This man is in a Hurry. He will push the Lady out of His way. That is Right, because the Lady should have Seen him Coming. He has stepped on the Lady's dress! Will he say "excuse me"? Certainly not. How unnecessary, and besides he is in a Hurry. Why does he Hurry so? Because he is very Thirsty. Thirst is a Dreadful thing. Little Children, never be Thirsty.

56

Here we have an engaged Couple. Are they not Very loving? See how accidentally he clasps her hand on the arm of the Chair. Now his nose is nestling in Her Hair. What lovely hair oil she uses. How immaculate is his Dress suit. It cost him Two whole dollars and a Half for the Evening. The Seats cost Him two Dollars. He gets eight per. How can he afford such luxuries? Oh, he will stand off his Landlady for a Week. Will the landlady mind that? No, the Landlady was young once herself. It was a long time Ago.

57

Do you see the Man who has just come in? How Important is his Bearing. He is going to take the seat next to you, Johnny, so you must be a Good boy. What a big man he is. He spreads over half your seat, and his Feet stick out in the aisle. He is sending the Usher to get him a Programme. How bored he looks; he must Have seen the play several times. See, he has stopped the Water-boy, and has taken Two glasses of Water. How interested he is in the Ladies who go up the Aisle. He must know a Great many of them. No; he is not the Manager, he is the Proverbial Dead-head.

58

Here we see the Stage Manager at rehearsal. How quietly he sits in his Chair. His voice is low and he never raises it; his manner is gentle. One of the ladies does not know her part. Notice how encouragingly the Manager speaks to her. He says the best Actresses are poor studies. Oh, one of the men has Forgotten a piece of Business. The low sweet voice of the Stage Manager is heard again. He wants to Know what the Blankety blank blank the Man means. Always keep your temper, children. A soft answer Turneth away Wrath, but a good stiff Punch is more often used. Be like the Stage Manager, little ones, and when you Die you will have lots of company.

59

What a large number of Letters. Yes; this is the Actor's mail. Tear some of the letters Open, and let us see who sent them. In this way we will save the Actor trouble and he will Love us. Here is one on Pink paper from Gwendoline. She says the Actor is her Idol. Isn't that nice of Gwendoline? All young girls should encourage the Poor Hard-working Actor with kind words. My! Here is one from Gwendoline's Mother. Perhaps she wants him to meet her daughter. No. She says he reminds her of an old Sweetheart, and will he go Driving with her in the Park! Here is a laundry bill Six months old. Throw it away, Johnny; the Actor will not want to see it. Another letter is from a woman who Wants to know when He is going to pay the alimony. We had better hang this One up where the rest of the Company can see It.

60

What lovely diamonds the Actress is wearing. See, she has them all over her. They Must have cost as Much as Five dollars. No; they are not imitation; that is a cruel slander started by a Rival. Perhaps it is the Base rival who steals the Actress's jewels every time they go to a New town. All actresses' diamonds are Real. They wouldn't wear Imitations. Oh, Horrors, no! But they are very unfortunate, for the Diamonds are often Stolen. Are they not Lucky to get them back?

61

This play is a Musical Comedy. It says so on the Bills. Bills are very useful, for they tell us a lot of Things we wouldn't know Otherwise. There are two Singing Comedians in the Play. See what Foolish antics they cut up. No, they are not Crazy; they are very, very funny. Listen; one of them is Saying a song. Is it not a shame That they Cannot sing! They would have beautiful voices if they could sing. But then they would not be called Singing Comedians.

62

This Man must be a Millionaire. He says he is only a Speculator. Why does he have Wads of Bills between his fingers? That is to show How many Good things he has met. He is a very kind and considerate Gentleman, for he will Sell you Better seats than you can get at the Box Office. They are so Cheap, too. Why, he almost gives them away. How does the Poor man make a Living? Isn't it real Mean of the Management to Try and Drive the Nice Speculator out of Business? And they Try so Hard, too! How does the Speculator get the Tickets if the Management don't want him to? Well, perhaps You will Know when You grow up, because this is the age of Miracles. Most likely he uses Psychic power.

63

Here is a voice. It comes from an Aperture in the Face of the Girl sitting behind me. I am glad the voice is very loud and Shrill, because I can hear it above the Silly noise that is being made on the Stage. The Girl says she is an Intimate Friend of the Leading lady. The leading lady has advised her to have her voice cultivated. She is going to Do it, and then she is going on the Stage and Act! Little children, we should be very thankful that it Will take a Long time to Cultivate that Voice.

64

How quickly the Usher runs Down the Aisle with the Basket of Flowers. The curtain is coming down; he will be Too late. Ah, the curtain goes Up again. How Gracefully the Orchestra Leader hands the Flowers to the Leading Lady. What a look of Surprise and pleasure is on her face. What a pretty Bow she makes to the Box. Does she Know any one in the Box? Dear me, no. Then where do the Flowers come from? Did the Lady order the Flowers herself? Children, you ask too many questions.

65

This is the Child Actress. She is just the Cutest Ever. So childish, and such a good little Actress. She is only seven. Her manager says she is the Wonder of the Age. She can act even better than the Leading lady. Her salary is very Big, for she has to Keep her poor old Mother. See, she is winking at the young Lady in the Box. How much alike they are. Yes, they are Mother and Daughter. But the young Lady is too young a thing to have a Child. Well?

66

Here we have the Seat in the Gallery. Is it not Lovely; and so cheap. It and its counterparts are occupied by True Lovers of Art. They are poor, and cannot Afford to sit downstairs. The Gallery Seat has many Charms. There is no room for One's knees, so one cannot grow out of one's clothes while watching the Show. The Fire Commissioner allows Poor People to sit in the Aisles in the Gallery. Is he not Kind?

67

This is the Water Boy. He is a very Smart little fellow, and hopes some day to be an Actor. He has many Glasses of water. The people are Thirsty; they all call and beckon to him. How strange that he does not Respond. No; it is not strange either. The poor Little Fellow is both Deaf and Blind. That is why he Got the Job.

68

This young man is Smiling. He is listening to a Group of real actors. He smiles because he is in such Distinguished company. He is Hoping that some of his Friends will see Him. Perhaps his Best girl will pass by. Is he a Thespian? What a Silly question. No; he is a Clerk in a shoe store. He gets Nine dollars and fifty cents Every week. Listen; he says his Mother's brother's Great uncle was the son of an Actor. He was on the Stage once himself, he says. Was it the Landing stage at Ellis Island? Now he is lending the actors Money. He says he is Tickled to death. So are the Actors. They may get him Passes to the Show—if they don't forget.

69

Who is this Stately chocolate lady? She must be the Queen of Dahomey. How haughty is her Mien; how Proud, how Superior. The vulgar Stage hands call her Little Eva. What does she do On the Stage? She is the Leading lady's maid. No Leading lady could act if she had not got a Maid. A maid is an Absolute necessity. Also, she is sometimes Useful. She can tell in One minute whether her Mistress' hat is on Straight or not. What else does she Do? Oh, she carries the Poodle. Some day she Will help herself to too much of the Actress' cologne and will Get caught with the Goods. Then there Will be Another chocolate Drop on the Sidewalk.

70

What a Loud voice the Boy has. Yes; he is a Call boy. What are his Functions? Why, he Calls upon the actors to Act, of course. Then again, he Smokes cigarettes. Why does he Call the leading man "Charlie"? Because he has Known him a long, long Time; as much as Two weeks! Sometimes the Boy is condescending and gives the actors Tips on how to act. He tells them confidentially how Rotten the others are. He says he Thinks the ingenue is a Stupid child! Perhaps she Slapped his face when he tried to Kiss her. Emulate the Call boy, children. He knows more about the Business than Any one else.

71

What Beautiful figures these Two men have. The figures are on paper. They represent the Enormous profits made by the Show. Later they will be published in the Papers. The public will Be told how enormously Successful the Show has been. There are Other figures over on the Table. There is nothing beautiful about the Second set. What are they for? They are to reckon the Royalty on. The Royalty goes to the Man who wrote the play. Are either set of figures correct? Ask the managers.

72

You must always believe what you see in the Papers. This paper says the Show has made a big Hit. What does that Mean? Does it mean that the management has been hit? Or the public? The paper says the Leading lady is a Dream. Dear me! Did you Ever have Bad Dreams? Why, this must be a Press notice; there's a drawback in every Line. Good press notices swell the Box office receipts. Yes; and sometimes they Swell the press agent's Head.

73

Hark! Do you Hear the real Fire bells? Oh, see the real Fire engine dash across the Stage! The horses move Almost as quickly as a Broadway car. How red the real Flames are. Yes; the Gas bill will be very High. Do not scream, children; no one will get Burnt. This is not a Real fire; there is no Smoke. The show is Certainly a Hot one. It will be Hotter to-morrow—after the Critics have Roasted it. The programme says the Fire scene is marvellously Realistic. Let us Light two or three programmes and Throw them into the aisle. There! Do you notice any Difference?

74

See the Gallery usher. He must be Very tired, for he leans indolently against the doorpost. Perhaps he does not like his High station. How Graceful is his pose; how airy his demeanor. His clothes are shabby—or perhaps it is a new style. We will Ask him to Take us to our seats. Surely you Did not expect him to Move? Oh, no; he would Not think of doing That. Instead, he waves His hand gracefully. He says, "First two, first row." How kind! We will not disturb his rest. But if you will tap his forehead Gently with a Brick, Johnny, he may wake up.

75

Let us listen to the Popular song. It is being sung by a Charming damsel. No; Johnny, we are not referring to the Song but to the Singer. The song ends in oo-oo-oo. Isn't it a Masterpiece! And the music sounds like yellow hosiery. How sublimely entrancing! The song is a Great success. Everybody will Buy several copies. The song is popular because it ends in oo-oo-oo! No one cares for the rest of the words. Noble words like These will make any Song popular. If you are a Genius, Clara, you will write an oo-oo-oo song.

76

This is the Man who plays the Drums. How short he is—and how Fat. He has three Kettle drums, a tenor and a bass. Sometimes he is a Cuckoo clock. Oh, listen! Now he is a church Bell. Pretty soon he will Play on some sticks of Kindling wood tied together. Isn't he clever? Music seems to come from His finger tips. How deft he is. Of course, he has never upset a Sugar bowl, Johnny. How did he Get his Wonderful Musical education? Perhaps it was drummed into him. His wife says She can't get him to Practise on the kindling Wood at home. What a pity.

77

Isn't this a cute Little envelope? It contains the Actor's salary. The actor has Told his friends just what Salary he is getting. This looks like a Very small envelope to hold Such a Large sum. Maybe it is in very large bills. Actors often do get large Bills. Shall we look at the Figures on the outside of the Envelope? No; we Might be disappointed in the actor If we did. Perhaps the actor will Pay back the Fiver he borrowed, now that he Has got his salary. Can you define the Word "perhaps," children?

78

Who are all these People standing around? Oh, this is a booking Agency; a place where They put your name in a Book. Let us listen to what The people say. From their Talk they must be the Greatest actors and actresses in the Country. No doubt that is Correct. This large man says he has Made more great Hits than any Other actor in the Land. Is a touch a hit? Surely these Great Artists do not come Here looking for Work. Dear me, no; they Just drop in to get their Mail.

79

Do you Notice the chilly feeling, children? Yes; the lady Star has Quarrelled with the Manager. She says she will Have her friends Back on the stage Whenever she likes. The manager says it is against the Rules. Why is he So angry about a little Thing? Why, don't you know? One of the friends was a Particular friend. The manager likes to be The particular friend himself. Will he fire the pretty Lady star? No; they will have Supper together and all will be Serene. If he should Fire the pretty lady they Would both go Broke.

80

The monologue artist is a Funny fellow. His salary is very Large and he is the Real thing. If a joke is not funny he will Tell it over and Over again. All vaudeville people Think it is a Sin to waste a good Joke. Can you tell Me where the Monologue artist Gets his jokes from? No; no one knows that, but He is very fond of Reading ancient Roman books. You would Never think it from his Talk, would you? Oh, never!

81

Why is this Man called the Low comedian? Is it because he Comes high? How humorous are his Antics on the stage! On the Street he looks like a Belated funeral. See what a curt Nod he gives the Leading man as they Pass each other. Are they not Good friends? Oh, yes, they are Very good friends, but the Comedian thinks the Show would be Much better if the leading man were Out of the Cast. Is the comedian Jealous then? No. Actors are never jealous.

82

What a wonderful thing is the Positively last appearance! The Great singer is going to Retire. We must Hurry up and get seats so that We can hear her. Do not delay or we will Miss a great Treat. Is it not nice of the Singer to give a farewell tour? So considerate! We remember that she did it when Mother was young. Perhaps, when we have Grand-children, she will give a Farewell tour for them. Do great singers never Grow old? No; people who give Last appearances grow younger every day.

83

Children, observe the Curtain. Is it not a work of Art? The painting on it is very, very beautiful. The Art is so far above us that we cannot Tell what the Picture is meant for. Is that a Horse in the lower corner? Surely it is. How strong the horse is. His limbs are like Iron. They look it! Why has the Lady with Pink hair got on a Green sheet? That's a very simple question. The Painter was an Irishman and so by Putting a fold of the Sheet over the Lady's head he got the Green above the Red. Patriotic painter!

84

What a crush in the Lobby. The handsome couple are Hurrying to Catch their train. The man behind has Caught the lady's train for her. He says, "Excuse me." The lady Smiles and says it is no Matter. She whispers to her Husband. She says, Blankety blank Ham bones! Is she not a great linguist? The lady in the Pretty dress in Front of her is Lifting her skirt very High. She does not want to get it Dirty. What long stockings she Has. How angry she would Be if she Thought we had Noticed.

85

What a beautiful Hat the lady has on. It cost Thirty-five dollars. She is going to sit down. Will she take the Hat off? Dear me, no! That would be Wasting Thirty-five Dollars. See the Pretty Flowers and Plumage. How much more beautiful They are than the Old scenery on the Stage. How kind of the Lady to keep her Hat on so that every one can Admire it. That is right, Johnny; make paper balls and throw them at the Hat. Try to hit the Lady on the Ear. She likes playful children. See, there is another Lady with a hat on. This is not a Play; it is a Millinery Display.

86

Now, children, you must be very Quiet for we are Up in the Flies and the Performance is going On. Do you know what those ropes are? They are to Pull the scenes up and down. Isn't there a lot of Dust up here? Yes; but it is nothing to the Dust the Manager would raise if He knew we were up Here. It is not at all Necessary for the manager to raise the Wind in order to raise a Dust. Oh, dear me, no. Why do they Call the place the Flies? Because the scenes fly up and Down. Loosen the ropes, Clara. Yes, three of them. There, do you see how it is Done? But what is that Noise on the stage? Come, children, I think we had Better go.

87

What a very Nice-looking man that is, sitting Next to you, Harry. He looks so happy, too. Is he Talking to himself? No, no, silly, he is just Humming the airs of the Opera. He does that so that We will know that He has heard the Music before. How thoughtful of Him. Pretty soon he Will begin to tell the Lady he is with just what is Going to happen. Naturally she will enjoy the play much Better after he does that. But would it not Be a nice thing to Repay him for his Trouble? Suppose we hit him With a Brick when he comes out. That will be a Thoughtful thing to do.

88

Who is the Handsome man in the Beautiful greasy overalls? Is it not the Man we saw on the Street car that Every one took for an Actor? What is he Doing here on the Stage at so Early an hour? Ah! little children, he is a poor but Honest scene-shifter, and he is About to go to Work. Can any one tell where He got the Lovely clothes he Wore in the Car? No? Well, we will not Press the question, and The clothes have already been pressed.

89

Can you tell me What that thing is Right in front of the Gallery? Clever boy, Johnny; it is the Calcium light. It is used to Make pretty colors on the Stage. When the very Interesting scene is on, the Man who runs it will take particular trouble to Get in the way of the People behind him. Why does he Do this? Is it Simply because he is a Calcium man? But you ought to See how Brave and lion-like he is When he has Forgotten to Throw the Spot light on the Star. He is Very considerate of the Audience, oh, yes, but He doesn't care a Hang for the Manager.

90

Hold your breaths, Children, this is Going to be a dark change. All the lights have gone out, so we Will not be able to See the things on the Stage. Do you see anything with White shirt sleeves Running across the Stage? Ah! See the Table get up and Walk off. The scenes are Swinging around and Disappearing. How funny it is that we think we See things. Of course we don't, for this is a Dark change. Biff! the lights have Been lit again. Why does the man in the White shirt sleeves run off the Stage in such a Hurry?

91

Have you noticed the Wires under your seats, children? They are called Hat Racks. Some silly people say they Are nerve racking. They are put under The seats to hold person's Hats. It Never takes more than fifteen Minutes to get a hat into one, but You can get a hat out in Half an hour! If you want to Make your Tall hat look like a Derby put it In a hat rack. The man who Invented them knew how to take Care of a hat, for the Rack is so arranged that the Hat will fall down on to the Dusty floor, just when somebody is Going to stick his Feet out under your Chair.

92

Wait till all the Other folks are gone, my dears, so that we can See the Sweeper. Ah, here he is. He is the man who sweeps out the Theatre. Notice how gently he Puts the chair seats up. If any one should lose their Diamonds, and he Were to find them, would He turn them in at the Box office? Of course he would! Sometimes he Finds umbrellas. What does he do with those?—Ah, well, even the poor should Lay something away for a Rainy day. The Box-office man will Tell you that the Sweeper once found a set of False teeth and Turned them in.

93

Here we have the Foreign Artiste. See; a reporter is going to Interview her. She says bon jour to the Reporter. That is so he will Know she is French. If we listen we will hear Her talk about "gay Par-ee and ze Nobilitee she have met on ze Continong." What a beautiful accent she Has. The reporter is Smiling. When he comes out he Will say that she was Born in Ireland and that her Right name is Murphy. But then, of course, Reporters always think they Know everything. Ah, the Foreign Artiste has lost her Handkerchief. Is the language she Uses now, French?

94

The really Great Actress is going to Europe. Her friends are all down to See her off. They have brought huge Bunches of flowers labelled "Bon Voyage." With all the Candy she has, she ought to have a bon bon Voyage. She will go to London first, she Says. Will she stay in London long? Oh, yes; she will get a Little room in Bloomsbury and Cook her own meals. When she comes Back she will tell of the Delightfully Bohemian customs of the English. Will she enjoy her Trip to Europe? Rahther!

95

Oh, look! the actor is putting on his Shirt. Don't you remember how Clean and white it Looked last night? But this shirt is Dirty. Or are these stains of toil? Surely the Actor will not wear this shirt Again. Do not take too much for Granted, children. Clean shirts are a Very expensive Luxury. If the actor were a Manager now, he Might wear a clean shirt Every night. Managers always have Money, but Actors put so Much in the Bank that they can not afford many Clean shirts. And, besides, what's the use?