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Because he hadn’t loved her any more.
Because she wasn’t loveable.
‘Though I guess he did the right thing, standing by the mother of his child.’ She spread her hands. ‘Someone always gets hurt in that kind of situation. It just happened to be me, this time round.’
‘For what it’s worth,’ Alex said, ‘I think your ex was utterly stupid. Why have an affair when you’re already married to a woman who’s bright, full of energy and totally lovely?’
She smiled. ‘There are answers to that, but they’re a little cynical. And thank you for the compliment. I wasn’t fishing.’
‘I know. I was just stating a fact.’
‘Thank you.’ She paused. ‘I thought you didn’t like me. Because of the way you are at work.’
He shook his head. ‘It’s not that. I didn’t want to make friends with anyone.’
‘Don’t punish yourself,’ she said gently. ‘None of this Huntington’s thing is your fault. And it doesn’t mean you can’t have friends.’
‘I don’t want to end up being a burden to anyone.’
‘Firstly,’ she said, ‘you don’t know for sure that you have it. Secondly, if you do have it, medicine might have advanced enough for there to be some sort of treatment by the time you start getting symptoms. Thirdly, Huntington’s is really rare, but there are a lot of other medical conditions where people need a lot of support in the end stages. It’s miserable enough suffering from a difficult medical condition, without cutting yourself off from people and making yourself lonely as well.’ She paused.
‘My grandfather had dementia. He didn’t want to be a burden, so while he was still in the early stages he made my mum promise to put him in residential care rather than run herself ragged trying to care for him and look after me and do her job. She felt horribly guilty about it, but finding him a care home meant she could spend time with him as his daughter rather than his carer and that made things a lot easier for both of them. Yes, it was still hard for her, losing a little bit more of him every time she saw him, but he didn’t feel he was a burden. And she’s made me promise that if she gets dementia I’ll do the same for her. There are ways round things.’
‘Sometimes it’s hard to see them.’
‘Sometimes you’re too close to things and it takes someone else to see it for you,’ she pointed out.
‘True.’ He paused. ‘I’d better let you get on. Thank you for the pizza and the pep talk.’
‘Any time.’ She stood up. ‘Hey. Before you go.’
He turned to her, expecting her to say something; instead, to his shock, she put her arms round him, holding him close for a few moments.
When was the last time anyone had hugged him? The last time he’d actually let anyone hug him?
Months ago. What felt like a lifetime ago.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘Because,’ she said softly, ‘it seems to me you’ve had a rough few months, you’ve been a little bit too noble and self-sacrificing, and in the circumstances I think you’ve been needing someone to hold you for way too long.’
She was right. Except now it made him feel like a man who’d trudged through the desert for days and had finally found an oasis. Unable to stop himself, he put his arms round her and held her close, breathing in the soft vanilla scent of her shampoo.
And from holding her it was only one step to sliding his cheek against hers. Turning towards her. Letting his lips touch the corner of her mouth. And then finally kissing her properly, losing himself in the sweetness of her mouth.
It suddenly slammed into him what he was doing.
Kissing Danielle Owens.
He had no right to do this.
He pulled back and looked at her in anguish. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.’
‘No?’ She traced his lower lip with her fingertip, and it made him ache.
‘This is a bad idea,’ he said. ‘I’m not in a place where I could even consider asking you out, and offering you a fling would be—well, not very honourable.’
‘When my divorce came through,’ she said, ‘I made a pact with Hayley, my best friend. We agreed that this is the Year of Saying Yes.’
‘The Year of Saying Yes?’ He didn’t quite understand.
‘It means you say yes to every opportunity that makes your life happier, even if it’s only for a little while. I was supposed to be going to Iceland with Hayley—but I broke my foot so I couldn’t go. Though I made her agree to go on her own, so she got to see all the things on her bucket list: the midnight sun, watching whales in the sea, walking on a glacier. I’m hideously jealous, because a lot of them were on my list, too—but no way was I going to hold her back. And she admitted I was right to make her go because she had a wonderful time.’
‘So what are you saying?’
‘I’m saying,’ she said, ‘that maybe you could do the same. It doesn’t have to be a year of saying yes. Six months, maybe, or even a week.’ She paused. ‘Or just tonight.’
His breath caught. ‘Are you suggesting...?’
‘I’m saying that you need to stop thinking and start doing. Live in the moment. No strings.’
Make love with Dani. Right at that moment, he wanted it more than he could ever remember wanting anything. But he had to be sensible and hold himself back. ‘There’s just one tiny, tiny thing. Given that I might be carrying a faulty chromosome,’ he said, ‘I don’t want to take any risks of passing it on. And I don’t have a condom.’
‘Whereas I do,’ she said. ‘Which isn’t to say that the Year of Saying Yes means I sleep with every man I meet.’
He didn’t think that Dani was the type to sleep around. Far from it. ‘Have you actually slept with anyone since Christmas Eve?’ he asked.
‘No, and if I’m honest I didn’t sleep with Leo very much in the last six months of our marriage,’ she admitted. ‘But I’m prepared now, in case I do meet someone.’
Someone.
Him.
The possibilities made every nerve-ending tingle.
‘So have you slept with anyone since you ended your engagement?’ she asked.
‘No,’ he admitted.
‘Which means this is going to be faintly awkward and embarrassing, and there’s no guarantee that either of us will remember what we’re supposed to do.’
He couldn’t help smiling. Which meant he’d smiled twice in one evening. Twice in eight months. And it was all thanks to Dani. ‘That’s really terrible, considering what we both do for a living.’
‘Maybe we should just stop overthinking it,’ she said.
‘The Year of Saying Yes?’
‘Or six months. Or a week. Or just tonight,’ she said. ‘Maybe we should just consider this a rebound thing. No consequences, no worries, just a moment out of time for both of us.’
She was right. They were both overthinking it. And it sounded as if her world had been shattered, too, by her ex. Maybe tonight they could salvage something for both of them.
He kissed her. ‘Yes.’
CHAPTER THREE (#u72a42dc7-947a-551b-942c-acc27d5d903a)
IT WAS THE first time Dani could ever remember propositioning anyone. And in some ways she was taking advantage of Alex; he’d opened his heart to her and told her exactly why he was keeping a distance between himself and the rest of the human race. He was vulnerable. Hurting.
Then again, so was she. She’d spent months trying to convince herself that she was over Leo. She didn’t love her ex any more; but she was finding it hard to get past the knowledge that she hadn’t been enough for him. That something in her was lacking. That maybe she was too bossy and unloveable—and that was why he hadn’t wanted to have a baby with her.
She hadn’t even told her best friend about that bit, feeling too ashamed of herself. Other people had it much worse—Hayley had had to bury the love of her life when she was only thirty years old—and Dani knew she was just being a whiny, selfish brat about her own situation.
But just maybe she and Alex could help each other feel better. If only for a little while.
She stroked his face. ‘I’m glad it’s a yes.’
He turned his head to press a kiss into her palm. ‘Me, too.’
His blue-green eyes had darkened. Gratifyingly so. And Dani felt desire kick deep inside her.
‘Then let’s go somewhere more comfortable.’
She’d half expected him to hold her hand, but she wasn’t prepared for him to scoop her up in his arms—as if he wanted her so much that he couldn’t wait. It shocked her and thrilled her at the same time.
‘Which door?’ he asked when he carried her into the hallway.
‘On your right,’ she said.
He finessed the door handle, switched on the overhead light and closed the curtains, all without dropping her.
And then he let her slide down his body so she was left in no doubt about how much he wanted her.
She reached up to him and kissed him.
He untucked her shirt from her skirt, and unbuttoned it really, really slowly, keeping his gaze fixed on hers the whole time. Whenever his fingers brushed against her, it made her skin tingle.
‘My turn,’ she said, and undid his shirt. She blew out a breath. ‘Nice musculature, Dr Morgan.’
He inclined his head to acknowledge the compliment. ‘Thank you.’
She pushed the soft cotton off his shoulders. ‘Nice arms.’
In return, he pushed her shirt off her shoulders. ‘Turn round.’
Not sure where he was going with this, she did so.
‘Nice back, Dr Owens.’ And then he kissed the nape of her neck before loosening her hair from the scrunchie she kept it in at work.
Her knees went weak. Alex’s touch was doing things to her that she’d forgotten could even happen.
‘May I?’ he asked, his fingers at the clasp of her bra.
‘It’s the Year of Saying Yes,’ she reminded him, though she liked the fact that he’d asked.
‘I know. But if you change your mind about this...’
‘I’m not going to change my mind,’ she said.
He unsnapped her bra and let the lacy garment fall to the floor, then slid his arms round her and cupped her breasts. ‘Beautiful,’ he said, and kissed his way along her shoulder.
Desire shivered through her. ‘Alex.’
‘I know. Me, too.’ He turned her to face him and kissed her lightly. ‘You’re gorgeous.’
She hadn’t felt it. Not for months and months and months. She’d felt ugly and rejected and unloveable, and hated herself even more for being so self-indulgent when so many worse things were happening in the world. But Alex’s touch was helping to salve the bruise that went right through her.
‘So are you,’ she said.
She paused with her fingers on the waistband of his trousers. ‘May I?’
‘Yes,’ he whispered, and the huskiness of his voice sent a thrill down her spine.
She undid the button, lowered the zip and eased the material over his hips. The trousers pooled at his feet and he stepped out of them. She picked them up and hung them neatly over the back of her chair, and Alex laughed softly.
‘What?’
‘Very organised.’
‘If you’d been wearing jeans, I would’ve left them on the floor. But these are your work—’
He stopped her by kissing her. ‘I was teasing. Actually, I really like the way you just sort everything out without comment or fuss. It’s adorable.’
That hadn’t been what Leo had said. Her ex had seen her as a control freak. An emasculating bitch. And Dani wasn’t entirely sure that her best friend was right when Hayley had said it was simply Leo trying to make excuses for his behaviour and pin the blame on her.
‘Dani,’ Alex said, his voice gentle. ‘The deal was we’re not thinking. We’re just feeling. Tonight is tonight.’
‘Yeah. Sorry.’
He drew her into his arms and stroked her hair. ‘Your ex was incredibly selfish and incredibly stupid. Don’t blame yourself.’
Much, much easier said than done.
‘No,’ she fibbed.
‘Dani.’ He tilted her chin upwards, making her meet his eyes. ‘You’re lovely. Don’t let anyone make you think otherwise.’
His kindness almost brought tears to her eyes.
He slid his hands down her sides. ‘Right now, you’re wearing too much. And I’m not happy about your standing around in that walking cast.’ He groaned. ‘And that makes me feel horrible. I’m pushing myself onto an injured woman.’
