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When Alex couldn’t gather his thoughts enough to respond, she said, ‘I’ll be bossy and choose. Wine it is. Hope you don’t mind white.’
‘It’s fine, thank you.’
This was what he’d admired about her on the ward. The way she saw what needed to be done and got on with it, sorting things out without a fuss. She was a bit on the bossy side, perhaps, but her smile took the sting out of that. She had a good heart. Enormous. Look at the way she was being so kind to him right now, when he’d been surly and was an utter mess.
She took a bottle from the fridge and poured him a glass of wine. Then she set the table and put a salad together.
When the pizza and dough balls arrived, he stared at her in dismay. ‘Sorry. I’ve been so rude.’ The least he could’ve done was offer to help lay the table. Instead, he’d just sat there and stared into his glass.
‘Don’t apologise and don’t worry about it. Eat your pizza and drink your wine,’ she said.
So she wasn’t going to make him talk?
Relief flooded through him. Part of him wanted to talk, to let all the poison out; but part of him still wanted to lock everything away, the way he had for the last few months.
They ate their meal in silence, but it wasn’t awkward. Alex felt weirdly comfortable with her; and at the same time that feeling of comfortableness unsettled him. He knew Dani on a professional level, but they weren’t friends. Shouldn’t this feel strained or, at the very least, slightly awkward? But right now he felt as if he’d known Danielle Owens for ever.
What was a little more worrying was the way every nerve end tingled with awareness when his hand accidentally brushed against hers as they reached for the dough balls at the same time. In another world, another life, this meal would’ve been so different. The start of something, full of anticipation and possibilities.
But he was a mess and she was being far kinder to him than he deserved, after being so standoffish and difficult at work.
She topped up his glass without comment, and he had just about enough presence of mind to grab a tea towel when she washed up their plates.
And then she shepherded him through to the living room.
‘All righty,’ she said. ‘You look as if you were in pretty much the same place as I was, last Christmas. I was lucky because my best friend dragged me out and made me talk. So I’m paying it forward and being the person who makes you talk. Spill.’
Talk. How on earth could he put the mess of his life into words? Alex looked at her. ‘I don’t even know where to start.’
She shrugged. ‘Anywhere. Just talk. I’m not going to judge and I’m not going to tell anyone else what you tell me.’
This was his cue to refuse politely and leave. But, to his horror, instead the words started spilling out and they just wouldn’t stop.
‘It started eight months ago. My mum asked me to meet her for lunch. And then she told me my dad wasn’t my dad. I’d grown up believing I was one person, and then suddenly I wasn’t who I thought I was.’
She said nothing, but reached over to squeeze his hand briefly. Not with pity, he thought, but with fellow feeling—and that gave him the confidence to open up to her.
‘Apparently she and dad were going through a rocky patch. He had a two-month secondment up in Edinburgh and my mum had an affair with an actor who came into the coffee shop where she worked while my dad—well, the man I grew up thinking was my dad—was away. I’m the result.’
He shook his head to clear it. ‘I always thought my parents had the perfect marriage, something real. They’ve been together for thirty-seven years. I thought they were happy.’ How wrong he’d been.
‘I guess you never know what’s really going on someone else’s marriage,’ Dani said.
And it had made him wonder how happy his parents were now. Had his mother had other affairs to stop her being bored and lonely while his father worked long hours? Had his father looked elsewhere, too?
The news had totally shaken his belief in love and marriage. Especially when Lara had then started to back off from him. He’d thought she loved him. Obviously not as much as he’d believed, because it had been so easy for her to walk away.
‘Did the other man know about you?’ Dani asked.
He nodded. ‘Mum told him when she realised she was pregnant. He said he had the chance of starring in a TV series in America and having a kid would hold him back. So he dumped my mum and went to Hollywood. Then Dad came back from Edinburgh, and she made things up with him. She told him a couple of weeks later that she was pregnant, and I guess she must’ve fudged her dates because I always believed I was a couple of weeks early.’
‘There’s no chance she might’ve been wrong about her dates and you could be your dad’s child?’ she asked.
He shook his head. ‘I always wondered why I never looked anything like him. Now I know—it’s because we don’t actually share any genes.’
‘Why did your mum tell you about it now?’
‘More than thirty years later?’ He grimaced. ‘Because Stephen—the actor she had an affair with—contacted her. It took him a while to find her. We’d moved a couple of times, and he didn’t know if she’d stayed with my dad or not, or if she’d changed her name.’
She waited, and finally he let the words that had been choking him spill out.
‘Stephen was diagnosed with Huntington’s and his doctor told him he needed to tell his children.’
‘Did he have any other children?’ she asked.
He shook his head. ‘Just me. And, before you ask, no. I haven’t taken a test to find out if I have the faulty gene.’
‘I wasn’t going to ask,’ she said mildly. ‘It’s none of my business.’
He sighed. ‘Sorry. Mum keeps nagging me. I’m over-touchy about it.’
‘I think anyone would be, in your shoes. There’s a fifty-fifty chance you’ve inherited Huntington’s. Taking the test could set your mind at rest—or it could blow your world apart completely. It takes time to get your head round that and decide whether you really want to know.’
She actually understood?
He wasn’t just being stubborn and unreasonable and difficult about things?
‘Have you talked to your dad about it?’ she asked.
‘Which one?’
‘Either. Both.’
But he knew which one she meant. ‘The one I grew up with. No. It’s been a bit strained between all of us ever since Mum told him. He moved out for a few weeks afterwards. They’re back together again now, but it’s very fragile. I think seeing me kind of rubs his nose in it—I’m a physical reminder of the fact that Mum had an affair. So I’m keeping my distance and letting them patch things up without me getting in the way and making things worse.’
‘Were you close growing up?’ she asked.
‘Yes.’ That was the bit that hurt most. Because of this mess, Alex had lost his real dad, the man he’d looked up to right from childhood. Why couldn’t Stephen have just continued being selfish and kept the news to himself, instead of making the effort to find his son? How ironic that maybe Stephen had tried to be unselfish for once in his life but instead had performed the ultimate selfish act and broken up a family. ‘I idolised my dad. One of the reasons I became a doctor is because I wanted to follow in his footsteps—it’s a different specialty, because he was an orthopod and I fell in love with obstetrics during my placement year, but I always looked up to him and he always had time for me.’ And now all that was ruined. It was very clear to Alex that Will Morgan didn’t see him as his son any more.
‘Maybe you need to talk to him on your own, without your mum,’ Dani suggested. ‘The news must’ve been a huge shock to him. And maybe he’s not looking at you as a reminder of her affair, Alex. Maybe he’s worried that you’re going to reject him as some kind of interloper, and now you know he isn’t your biological dad maybe you don’t think of him as your dad any more, so he’s trying to take a step back and not put any pressure on you.’
It was the first time Alex had considered that. He’d been so sure that his father had seen him as a horrible reminder of his wife’s affair. But was the real reason that Will had backed away that he was scared Alex was going to reject him?
‘Thank you,’ he said. Truly grateful to her for making him see things differently, he reached over and squeezed her hand.
Mistake.
Because touching her again, this time not accidentally, made his skin tingle.
And this really wasn’t the most appropriate time for his libido to wake up.
Clearly his touch didn’t have quite the same effect on Dani, because, totally businesslike, she asked, ‘Have you met your biological father?’
‘Yes. I went over to America a week or so after Mum told me about him. It wasn’t the easiest of meetings and Stephen didn’t really acknowledge me—though he wasn’t that well. I did go to see him again a few days later and we managed to talk a bit.’ He shrugged. ‘I didn’t feel any real connection to him.’ Nothing like the connection he’d once had with Will Morgan, the man he’d grown up believing was his father. ‘Stephen’s my biological father, but it doesn’t feel as if that means anything at all.’
‘It takes more than sperm to make someone a dad. We see that every day at work,’ she said.
He liked how clear-sighted she was. ‘But meeting him, seeing how much his health had deteriorated, made me think,’ he said. ‘Stephen’s partner Catriona had become his carer, and I didn’t want to put that kind of potential burden on my partner. So when I came back from America I ended my engagement.’
She raised an eyebrow. ‘Did you give her the choice, or did you make the decision for her?’
The question caught him on the raw—she’d said she wasn’t judging him, but the tone of her voice said otherwise. That he was at fault for setting Lara free. ‘It was more a case of jumping before I was pushed.’
‘I’m sorry. Just the way you said it...’
He sighed. ‘Yes, I ended it. But she’d backed away from me ever since I told her about the Huntington’s. I don’t blame her. Would you want to get married to someone, knowing that in twenty years’ time or even less you’ll have to be their carer?’
‘Maybe. Maybe not. Though that’s what marriage is meant to be—in sickness and in health. Whether you know about it beforehand or not.’ She looked him straight in the eye. ‘But I’d want the choice to be mine, not made for me.’
‘I saw the relief in her eyes,’ he said softly. ‘Because if she’d been the one to end it, people would’ve thought she was heartless.’
‘Wasn’t she?’
‘Not everyone can cope with that kind of burden. Stephen was lucky, because Catriona really loved him and was prepared to look after him. But it’s a massive task—one I wouldn’t want to dump on someone.’ He blew out a breath. ‘Lara wasn’t heartless. She just couldn’t cope. And I didn’t want her to stay with me out of duty or feel bad for ending it.’
‘So you ended it. Making you look like the heartless one.’
‘Or the one whose life went into meltdown.’ He sighed. ‘I pushed everyone else away after that, too. My best friend. Friends at work. I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. And the very last thing I wanted was pity.’
‘Noted,’ she said. ‘Do you miss her?’
‘I did at first, but not any more.’ Not since he’d stopped believing in love. ‘Everything’s different now. I took a sabbatical to try and get my head round the situation. I went travelling.’
‘Did it help?’ she asked.
‘Not that much,’ he admitted. ‘I really missed work. At least there I know who I am. I thought maybe a new start in a new place would help, and that’s why I accepted the job at Muswell Hill.’
* * *
And that explained a lot, Dani thought. She understood now why Alex kept people at a distance, not even making friendships at work: because he knew he had a fifty per cent chance of inheriting Huntington’s and didn’t want to be a potential burden to anyone. But at the same time he was missing out on so much. It would be years and years before he started showing symptoms, if he had them at all. Years and years of being isolated and alone. What kind of life was that?
‘I know you don’t want pity and I’m not dispensing that—but this new start isn’t helping, is it?’ she asked softly.
‘The job is. I love what I do.’ He sighed. ‘But the rest of it’s still going round my head. Especially now.’
‘Now?’ she prompted softly.
‘My mother left me a message on my answering machine last night. Stephen died the night before last.’
So any chance Alex might’ve had for closure with his father was gone for good. ‘How old was he?’
‘Fifty-seven. Twenty-two years older than I am right now. And, from what his partner told me, the last five years of his life were barely worth living. In the end he couldn’t do anything for himself—he couldn’t wash himself, he couldn’t feed himself, he couldn’t get out of a chair or walk without help. He needed total nursing care.’ He dragged in a breath. ‘That’s not living, Dani, it’s just existence.’
She reached over to squeeze his hand again. ‘It’s a tough thing to face. But it’s not necessarily going to happen to you, Alex. Yes, there’s a fifty per cent chance you’ve inherited Huntington’s, but there’s also a fifty per cent chance you haven’t.’
‘And the only way to know for sure is to take the test.’ He looked at her, unsmiling. ‘Which I don’t want to do.’
She didn’t think he was a coward. He had been brave enough to end his engagement and take the blame when he hadn’t been the one at fault. If he tested positive, she was pretty sure he’d be able to face up to the implications. ‘What’s stopping you?’ she asked, keeping her voice kind.
‘There doesn’t seem to be any point. If I’m positive, there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I can’t make any lifestyle changes or take any kind of treatment that would prevent me developing Huntington’s or even stave it off for a while. And if the test is positive, it’d crucify my mother—she’d blame herself, even though she couldn’t possibly have known that Stephen had Huntington’s when they conceived me.’ He sighed. ‘And I think that the guilt, the sheer pressure on her, would finally crack my parents’ marriage. I need to give them the chance to rebuild their relationship.’
‘Or maybe not knowing one way or the other is like having a sentence hanging over them and putting just as much pressure on them,’ she said. ‘What if the test is negative?’
‘I don’t know. If I’m honest about it,’ he said, his expression grim, ‘I think my parents would still be struggling. For all I know, they’ve been unhappy for years.’
‘You can’t be responsible for someone else’s relationship,’ she said gently.
‘I just feel so guilty,’ he said. ‘My father’s dead—and I don’t feel anything.’
‘I’d be more surprised,’ she said, ‘if you were utterly devastated by the death of someone you’d only met twice, who’d spent most of your life denying that you had anything to do with him, and who from the sound of it treated your mother quite badly.’
He looked at her. ‘You really tell it like it is, don’t you?’
She shrugged. ‘It’s who I am. Bossy.’
‘No, you’re honest. And you’ve put things into perspective for me. Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’ She squeezed his hand again. ‘And I want to remind you that what you’ve told me tonight will stay completely confidential.’
‘I appreciate that. You’re nice,’ he said. ‘Kind.’
‘Hmm. I’ve been told I’m too opinionated and I think I’m always right.’
He couldn’t help smiling. ‘Probably by someone who couldn’t organise their way out of a paper bag or make a decision.’
‘Oh, he made a decision, all right.’ The words came out before she could stop them.
‘Your ex?’ he guessed.
‘It’s not a pretty story. I’ll give you the short version.’ And the short version didn’t sting as much because she kept the emotion out of it. ‘He had an affair, I had absolutely no idea, she fell pregnant—and he left me for her on Christmas Eve last year.’
He winced. ‘That’s horrible timing.’
Yeah. She knew. And it was unbelievable how many songs were about being abandoned at Christmas. She’d stopped listening to music on the radio or streamed through her phone, because the songs just made her feel worse.
And what a Christmas gift. Hello, darling, I want a divorce.
Only a few months before that, she’d suggested trying for a baby. Leo had shut her down, and she’d tried to stem the longing. It had hurt so much to find out he was having the baby he’d refused her with someone else, and to realise that after all it wasn’t the baby he hadn’t wanted—it was her.
