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Why couldn’t she understand that he didn’t want just anyone? “I’m leaving for the Hamptons in two days. I don’t have time to interview a bunch of candidates. I know Bella. I trust her with Drew.”
“Do you think that’s wise?”
“Not only did she help raise her brothers and sisters, but she’s a kindergarten teacher. Who could be better?”
“I don’t think this is a good plan, Blake.” Jeanne carried the sleeping Drew to the portable playpen set up in her stylish living room and settled the baby, fussing with his blanket until she was satisfied. “Bella declined contact with Drew. No pictures or updates. Why do you think she’d want to take care of him for two months?”
Jeanne’s skepticism echoed Blake’s own concerns. “She’ll do it.” The money he intended to offer would be hard for her to refuse.
“Pick someone else. Anyone else.”
“Why?”
“That girl is trouble.”
Jeanne’s proclamation was so ridiculous, Blake laughed. “Bella? She’s the furthest thing from trouble.”
“Are you going to tell me you never noticed the way she looked at you?”
Blake’s amusement dried up. “What are you talking about? She and I were friends. Nothing more.”
“Maybe nothing more from your perspective, but I think she was more than half in love with you.” Jeanne crossed her arms and frowned. “Not that I blame her. You are wealthy, handsome and charming.”
“In that order?” Blake muttered, unsettled by the interest that had flared inside him. Was Bella attracted to him? Maybe that’s what accounted for his unexpected awareness of her—he was merely responding to her subliminal signals. Body language. The chemistry of pheromones. Building blocks of sexual desire. Easy to disregard now that he knew the root cause.
“But the two of you together alone in the Hamptons will give her ample opportunity to get her hooks into you.”
“That isn’t going to happen.”
“No?”
“First of all, I believe I have some say in who I get involved with.” Blake arched his eyebrows when Jeanne opened her mouth to protest. “Secondly, Bella isn’t interested in getting her hooks in me. You said it yourself. She declined any contact with Drew. She told me she doesn’t want to be a mother. She did enough parenting with her siblings. So you don’t need to worry that I’m going to do something as foolish as fall for her.”
“That’s good to hear. But hasn’t it occurred to you that Drew needs more than a series of nannies? He needs a mother. Someone who will love him with all her heart.”
“I’ve been thinking along those lines myself.”
First Bella had turned her back on Drew. Then Vicky. He could do nothing about the latter. His ex-wife had let him believe she wanted a family when what she really wanted was for their relationship to remain unchanged, but Bella’s values were different. She’d come from a large family. And if he’d learned anything at all about her in the months before Drew was born, he’d seen that she had a nurturing nature. Even if she was determined to deny it.
With Vicky there’d been no such mothering instinct. His ex-wife had insisted on hiring a nanny before Drew was born. She maintained she didn’t have the temperament to be a full-time mother. He should have listened to her. But he’d been too set on having his son grow up in the perfect family Blake had not had growing up.
Jeanne lit up. “I’m so glad to hear you say that.”
“Glad why?”
“Victoria ended her relationship with Gregory.” His stepsister’s animated expression warned Blake she was in full interference mode.
He’d heard something to that effect. “I suspect that had something to do with the fact that her play closed after two weeks?” Blake made no effort to hide his cynicism.
“That’s not it at all,” Jeanne insisted. “She never stopped loving you.”
“She loves her career more.”
It had been a bitter blow when he’d discovered how she’d fooled him into believing having a family was her first priority when her true passion was show business.
“That’s not true,” Jeanne insisted.
While Blake admired Jeanne’s loyalty to her best friend, he was in no mood to forgive his ex-wife. “I know you want to defend her, but you’re wasting your breath trying to convince me to take her back. She put her career before her family.”
“I know it’s something she’d never do again.”
Despite her conviction, his stepsister’s argument failed to shift Blake’s opinion of Vicky’s desires. “She left me. She left Drew.” And it was the latter that prevented him from trusting her ever again.
“She knows she made a mistake.”
“A mistake?” Past and present betrayals tangled in Blake’s chest. “She chose her career over our family. That’s more than just a mistake.”
“You are not an easy man to please, Blake,” Jeanne said, her tone firm. A second later, she put her hand on his arm. “She was overwhelmed at suddenly becoming a mother and retreated into something that was comfortable and familiar to her. She knows she didn’t make the best choice.”
“But she made it.” He set aside his past disappointments and turned his gaze once more to the future. “And I made mine.” Seeing that they weren’t ever going to agree, Blake bent down and kissed his stepsister’s cheek. “Drew needs a mother.”
“And Vicky is ready to be that.”
Blake shook his head. “She’s not, and I need to put Drew’s needs first.”
“What does that mean?”
“I got married the first time because I fell in love, and it left my son without a mother. This time I’m going to do it differently.”
Three (#ua92daced-f5eb-51d0-bc5e-2f99ec7a4f36)
When Bella finished tying her shoes, she and Deidre left the apartment. They used the three-block walk along Eighty-Ninth Street to warm up their muscles. Reaching the park, they quickly stretched before starting off on an easy jog north along the bridle path. The two-and-a-half-mile run would be relatively easy, but long enough for Bella to reach that place where her mind opened up.
While their shoes thumped rhythmically on the pavement, Bella pulled crisp, fragrant air into her lungs and glanced around her. Late spring had always been her favorite time of year on the farm. Dreary skies, cold and snow gave way to green pastures and new life. It was time to stop planning and take action. Possibilities seemed as boundless as the fields that surrounded her family’s farm.
It was no different in New York. As soon as the first buds formed on the trees, she’d felt a kick of excitement, as if anything she wanted could be hers. She and Deidre had begun to make plans for the summer and tossed ideas around for a winter vacation. And now that school was out, she reveled in her freedom from responsibility. Her life was turning out exactly the way she wanted.
“Do you ever regret it?” Deidre asked as their run wound down.
“Regret what?”
“The whole surrogacy thing.” Obviously Bella hadn’t been the only one mulling over her situation during the twenty minutes they’d been running. “I know you say you don’t want to get married and have kids, but being pregnant and giving up the baby, that’s different.”
“I knew what I was getting into.” She was a farm girl—when she was six she’d learned a difficult but important lesson about the difference between pets and livestock. As much time and energy that she put into raising a prizewinning calf, there was always a chance that it would be sold. “I wouldn’t have done it if I thought I would have a problem. Besides, Drew isn’t my baby. He belongs to Blake.”
“And Victoria,” Deidre prompted.
Bella shook her head. “She left him. Left them.”
“What?”
“That’s why he needs a nanny this summer. Victoria decided she didn’t want to be a mother.” Of course, she wasn’t Drew’s biological mother, but only Victoria and Bella knew the truth about that.
“So what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know.”
“A little sea air might be exactly what you need.”
“Maybe.” She wasn’t thinking about sea air; she was mulling over the weeks of sleepless nights when she’d be battered by temptation, knowing Blake would be dreaming peacefully in the master bedroom down the hall. Keeping her attraction hidden had been easy when he was married to Victoria. That was a line she’d never cross. But now that he was single, would she send out vibes without even knowing it? How humiliating to be fired from a nanny job because she had the hots for her employer.
Uncomfortable with the direction her thoughts had taken her, Bella made sure to shift the conversation away from Blake and Drew during the walk back to the apartment. Deidre had called dibs on the first shower, so Bella headed to her bedroom to pack away the supplies she’d brought home from her classroom. By the time she finished, she was ready to call Blake and turn down his offer. Picking up the phone, she noticed she’d missed a call during her run. The message was a giddy explosion of good news from her sister Kate: she’d been accepted into a global health program in Kenya.
It was impossible for Bella not to smile at her sister’s enthusiasm. Kate had set her sights on this program since she’d started college three years ago and had worked diligently toward the goal. She would graduate next year with a major in social work and intended to get her master’s in public health. Bella couldn’t be more proud.
Kate was well on her way to making a life for herself beyond the fetters of the farm and her siblings’ constant drain on her energy and resources. It was the dream Bella had for all her siblings, but thus far only Kate and Jess were poised to achieve it.
The phone rang before Bella had a chance to dial Kate’s number to congratulate her.
“Hiya, Bella.” It was Jess. At eighteen, she was the most practical of Bella’s three sisters.
“What’s up?”
“I heard Kate leaving you a message and just thought you should know that she’s probably not going to be able to afford the semester abroad.”
Bella’s good mood crashed and burned. “Why not? Last I heard she’d gotten the scholarship and had enough saved.” Kate had been working so hard for the past three years to make this trip happen.
“There were some extra costs she hadn’t accounted for and Mom and Dad weren’t able to give her the money she was counting on.”
“How did that happen?” The long pause that followed Bella’s question told her everything she needed to know. “What broke down?”
“The tractor. It was in the middle of planting. Mom and Dad didn’t have a choice.”
“Of course not,” Bella mumbled bitterly and felt a stab of guilt over her tone.
It didn’t do any good to complain that the money to fix the tractor was supposed to be given to Kate to make her dream come true. Their parents sacrificed so much to keep the farm running and raise a family. Clothes wore out before they were replaced. Food was home cooked and simple. Entertainment consisted of the games they played in their living room or around the dining table.
“I know she’d never ask,” Jess continued. “But is there any way you can help her out? I’m giving her five hundred.” Money earmarked for her college tuition next year. “Mom’s going to give Kate the six hundred in egg money she’d put aside for Sean’s truck.”
Jess’s voice trailed off. Guilt wrenched at Bella. What a horrible sister she was to selfishly cling to her nest egg when Kate needed help. This particular program was only offered once a year. She had to go now, because next year she would begin her graduate studies and the window would be closed.
But Bella had already sent money home to help with Paul’s community-college expenses and Jess’s activities. She’d helped with the medical bills when Scott broke his leg last fall and contributed to Laney’s orthodontic treatments. As hard as her parents worked, sometimes they were caught short financially and Bella’s sense of responsibility kicked into overdrive. How could she not help out her family when she had the resources to do so? But every once in a while, she wished there wasn’t always someone needing something.
“How much is she short?”
“About three thousand.”
Bella’s heart sank, but she kept her dismay out of her voice. “Let me see what I can do.”
“You’re the best,” Jess crowed, her unselfishness making Bella feel worse and worse about her resentment. “Elephant shoes.”
“Elephant shoes right back,” Bella echoed, her family’s endearment failing to give her mood the lift it usually did. Shoulders slumping beneath the weight of responsibility, Bella dropped the phone onto her bed.
“Oh, dear.” Deidre spoke from the doorway. “Which one of them called this time?”
“Kate and Jess. Kate got into the Kenya program, but she doesn’t have enough money to go.”
“And she wants you to help her out.”
“She would never ask.”
“But Jess would.”
Bella nodded. Why deny it? Deidre knew how much Bella helped out her family. “It’s only three thousand.”
“That’s the money you were going to use for our trip to the Virgin Islands during Christmas vacation.”
“How could I possibly go and enjoy it if I didn’t help Kate?”
“I get that, but why do you always have to be the one who gives up what you want to do?”
“Because I’m the oldest.” Bella sighed. “And because I can.”
“Don’t beat yourself up for wanting to say no. You are always there when someone needs you. It’s okay not to be once in a while.”
“I know. It’s just...” Bella trailed off, already knowing she wasn’t going to disappoint her sister.
Deidre rolled her eyes. “You’re just too responsible for your own good.”
“If I was really responsible, I’d be living closer to home so I could be there when Laney needed help with math or Ben wanted to practice his goaltending skills.” Instead, she’d stayed in New York, because here she could go hours without feeling weighed down by the never-ending demands of her large family.
“You need to stop feeling guilty for enjoying living so far away from Iowa.” Deidre pulled the towel from her hair and wrapped it around her neck. Her brown eyes drilled into Bella. “Stop beating yourself up just because you like the freedom you have here. Your parents decided to have eight kids. They’re the ones who should worry about taking care of your brothers and sisters.”
“Worrying about each other is what families do.” But Bella recognized the disparity between what she said and how she felt. She was burdened in equal parts by guilt and resentment.
“But at some point you’re going to have your own family to focus on. What happens to them then?”
Bella shook her head. They’d had this conversation multiple times, but Deidre never listened. “I might someday get married, but you know how I feel about having kids. I don’t want any.”
“Your family really did a number on you,” Deidre said, her expression glum. “You had to grow up way too fast.”
“It’s not their fault.” But there was no denying that the yoke of responsibility Bella had shouldered at a young age had led to her decision never to have kids of her own. Just the thought of being trapped the way her mother had been filled her with dread.
It was why she’d thought she could carry a baby for Victoria and Blake without fear of becoming emotionally involved. Too bad she hadn’t understood that her fundamental nature hadn’t been altered by her frustration with her family’s neediness. If she had, she’d have known she’d fall in love with the child she’d given birth to. A child she had no legal claim on.
“You know,” Bella began, her pragmatic side taking over, “if I nanny for Blake this summer, I could afford to help out my sister and have enough for our Caribbean trip.”
It was a job that would pay well. She needed the money. With it she could go on vacation this winter and feel no guilt, plus she could replenish her nest egg and still help out her family.
