Beyond

Gyp bent down and put her lips to the damp forehead. Faint, very faint, there was still the scent of orange-blossom.

When she was once more in the garden, she hurried away; but instead of crossing the fields again, turned past the side of the cottage into the coppice behind. And, sitting down on a log, her hands pressed to her cheeks and her elbows to her breast, she stared at the sunlit bracken and the flies chasing each other over it. Love! Was it always something hateful and tragic that spoiled lives? Criss-cross! One darting on another, taking her almost before she knew she was seized, then darting away and leaving her wanting to be seized again. Or darting on her, who, when seized, was fatal to the darter, yet had never wanted to be seized. Or darting one on the other for a moment, then both breaking away too soon. Did never two dart at each other, seize, and cling, and ever after be one? Love! It had spoiled her father’s life, and Daphne Wing’s; never came when it was wanted; always came when it was not. Malevolent wanderer, alighting here, there; tiring of the spirit before it tired of the body; or of the body before it tired of the spirit. Better to have nothing to do with it – far better! If one never loved, one would never feel lonely – like that poor girl. And yet! No – there was no “and yet.” Who that was free would wish to become a slave? A slave – like Daphne Wing! A slave – like her own husband to his want of a wife who did not love him. A slave like her father had been – still was, to a memory. And watching the sunlight on the bracken, Gyp thought: ‘Love! Keep far from me. I don’t want you. I shall never want you!’

Every morning that week she made her way to the cottage, and every morning had to pass through the hands of Mrs. Wagge. The good lady had got over the upsetting fact that Gyp was the wife of that villain, and had taken a fancy to her, confiding to the economic agent, who confided it to Gyp, that she was “very distangey – and such pretty eyes, quite Italian.” She was one of those numberless persons whose passion for distinction was just a little too much for their passionate propriety. It was that worship of distinction which had caused her to have her young daughter’s talent for dancing fostered. Who knew to what it might lead in these days? At great length she explained to Gyp the infinite care with which she had always “brought Daisy up like a lady – and now this is the result.” And she would look piercingly at Gyp’s hair or ears, at her hands or her instep, to see how it was done. The burial worried her dreadfully. “I’m using the name of Daisy Wing; she was christened ‘Daisy’ and the Wing’s professional, so that takes them both in, and it’s quite the truth. But I don’t think anyone would connect it, would they? About the father’s name, do you think I might say the late Mr. Joseph Wing, this once? You see, it never was alive, and I must put something if they’re not to guess the truth, and that I couldn’t bear; Mr. Wagge would be so distressed. It’s in his own line, you see. Oh, it is upsetting!”

Gyp murmured desperately:

“Oh! yes, anything.”

Though the girl was so deathly white and spiritless, it soon became clear that she was going to pull through. With each day, a little more colour and a little more commonness came back to her. And Gyp felt instinctively that she would, in the end, return to Fulham purged of her infatuation, a little harder, perhaps a little deeper.

Late one afternoon toward the end of her week at Mildenham, Gyp wandered again into the coppice, and sat down on that same log. An hour before sunset, the light shone level on the yellowing leaves all round her; a startled rabbit pelted out of the bracken and pelted back again, and, from the far edge of the little wood, a jay cackled harshly, shifting its perch from tree to tree. Gyp thought of her baby, and of that which would have been its half-brother; and now that she was so near having to go back to Fiorsen, she knew that she had not been wise to come here. To have been in contact with the girl, to have touched, as it were, that trouble, had made the thought of life with him less tolerable even than it was before. Only the longing to see her baby made return seem possible. Ah, well – she would get used to it all again! But the anticipation of his eyes fixed on her, then sliding away from the meeting with her eyes, of all – of all that would begin again, suddenly made her shiver. She was very near to loathing at that moment. He, the father of her baby! The thought seemed ridiculous and strange. That little creature seemed to bind him to her no more than if it were the offspring of some chance encounter, some pursuit of nymph by faun. No! It was hers alone. And a sudden feverish longing to get back to it overpowered all other thought. This longing grew in her so all night that at breakfast she told her father. Swallowing down whatever his feeling may have been, he said:

“Very well, my child; I’ll come up with you.”

Putting her into the cab in London, he asked:

“Have you still got your key of Bury Street? Good! Remember, Gyp – any time day or night – there it is for you.”

She had wired to Fiorsen from Mildenham that she was coming, and she reached home soon after three. He was not in, and what was evidently her telegram lay unopened in the hall. Tremulous with expectation, she ran up to the nursery. The pathetic sound of some small creature that cannot tell what is hurting it, or why, met her ears. She went in, disturbed, yet with the half-triumphant thought: ‘Perhaps that’s for me!’

Betty, very flushed, was rocking the cradle, and examining the baby’s face with a perplexed frown. Seeing Gyp, she put her hand to her side, and gasped:

“Oh, be joyful! Oh, my dear! I AM glad. I can’t do anything with baby since the morning. Whenever she wakes up, she cries like that. And till to-day she’s been a little model. Hasn’t she! There, there!”

Gyp took up the baby, whose black eyes fixed themselves on her mother in a momentary contentment; but, at the first movement, she began again her fretful plaint. Betty went on:

“She’s been like that ever since this morning. Mr. Fiorsen’s been in more than once, ma’am, and the fact is, baby don’t like it. He stares at her so. But this morning I thought – well – I thought: ‘You’re her father. It’s time she was getting used to you.’ So I let them be a minute; and when I came back – I was only just across to the bathroom – he was comin’ out lookin’ quite fierce and white, and baby – oh, screamin’! And except for sleepin’, she’s hardly stopped cryin’ since.”

Pressing the baby to her breast, Gyp sat very still, and queer thoughts went through her mind.

“How has he been, Betty?” she said.

Betty plaited her apron; her moon-face was troubled.

“Well,” she said, “I think he’s been drinkin’. Oh, I’m sure he has – I’ve smelt it about him. The third day it began. And night before last he came in dreadfully late – I could hear him staggerin’ about, abusing the stairs as he was comin’ up. Oh dear – it IS a pity!”

The baby, who had been still enough since she lay in her mother’s lap, suddenly raised her little voice again. Gyp said:

“Betty, I believe something hurts her arm. She cries the moment she’s touched there. Is there a pin or anything? Just see. Take her things off. Oh – look!”

Both the tiny arms above the elbow were circled with dark marks, as if they had been squeezed by ruthless fingers. The two women looked at each other in horror; and under her breath Gyp said: “He!”

She had flushed crimson; her eyes filled but dried again almost at once. And, looking at her face, now gone very pale, and those lips tightened to a line, Betty stopped in her outburst of ejaculation. When they had wrapped the baby’s arm in remedies and cotton-wool, Gyp went into her bedroom, and, throwing herself down on her bed, burst into a passion of weeping, smothering it deep in her pillow.

It was the crying of sheer rage. The brute! Not to have control enough to stop short of digging his claws into that precious mite! Just because the poor little thing cried at that cat’s stare of his! The brute! The devil! And he would come to her and whine about it, and say: “My Gyp, I never meant – how should I know I was hurting? Her crying was so – Why should she cry at me? I was upset! I wasn’t thinking!” She could hear him pleading and sighing to her to forgive him. But she would not – not this time! He had hurt a helpless thing once too often. Her fit of crying ceased, and she lay listening to the tick of the clock, and marshalling in her mind a hundred little evidences of his malevolence toward her baby – his own baby. How was it possible? Was he really going mad? And a fit of such chilly shuddering seized her that she crept under the eider down to regain warmth. In her rage, she retained enough sense of proportion to understand that he had done this, just as he had insulted Monsieur Harmost and her father – and others – in an ungovernable access of nerve-irritation; just as, perhaps, one day he would kill someone. But to understand this did not lessen her feeling. Her baby! Such a tiny thing! She hated him at last; and she lay thinking out the coldest, the cruellest, the most cutting things to say. She had been too long-suffering.

But he did not come in that evening; and, too upset to eat or do anything, she went up to bed at ten o’clock. When she had undressed, she stole across to the nursery; she had a longing to have the baby with her – a feeling that to leave her was not safe. She carried her off, still sleeping, and, locking her doors, got into bed. Having warmed a nest with her body for the little creature, she laid it there; and then for a long time lay awake, expecting every minute to hear him return. She fell asleep at last, and woke with a start. There were vague noises down below or on the stairs. It must be he! She had left the light on in her room, and she leaned over to look at the baby’s face. It was still sleeping, drawing its tiny breaths peacefully, little dog-shivers passing every now and then over its face. Gyp, shaking back her dark plaits of hair, sat up by its side, straining her ears.

Yes; he WAS coming up, and, by the sounds, he was not sober. She heard a loud creak, and then a thud, as if he had clutched at the banisters and fallen; she heard muttering, too, and the noise of boots dropped. Swiftly the thought went through her: ‘If he were quite drunk, he would not have taken them off at all; – nor if he were quite sober. Does he know I’m back?’ Then came another creak, as if he were raising himself by support of the banisters, and then – or was it fancy? – she could hear him creeping and breathing behind the door. Then – no fancy this time – he fumbled at the door and turned the handle. In spite of his state, he must know that she was back, had noticed her travelling-coat or seen the telegram. The handle was tried again, then, after a pause, the handle of the door between his room and hers was fiercely shaken. She could hear his voice, too, as she knew it when he was flown with drink, thick, a little drawling.

“Gyp – let me in – Gyp!”

The blood burned up in her cheeks, and she thought: ‘No, my friend; you’re not coming in!’

After that, sounds were more confused, as if he were now at one door, now at the other; then creakings, as if on the stairs again, and after that, no sound at all.

For fully half an hour, Gyp continued to sit up, straining her ears. Where was he? What doing? On her over-excited nerves, all sorts of possibilities came crowding. He must have gone downstairs again. In that half-drunken state, where would his baffled frenzies lead him? And, suddenly, she thought that she smelled burning. It went, and came again; she got up, crept to the door, noiselessly turned the key, and, pulling it open a few inches, sniffed.

All was dark on the landing. There was no smell of burning out there. Suddenly, a hand clutched her ankle. All the blood rushed from her heart; she stifled a scream, and tried to pull the door to. But his arm and her leg were caught between, and she saw the black mass of his figure lying full-length on its face. Like a vice, his hand held her; he drew himself up on to his knees, on to his feet, and forced his way through. Panting, but in utter silence, Gyp struggled to drive him out. His drunken strength seemed to come and go in gusts, but hers was continuous, greater than she had ever thought she had, and she panted:

“Go! go out of my room – you – you – wretch!”

Then her heart stood still with horror, for he had slued round to the bed and was stretching his hands out above the baby. She heard him mutter:

“Ah-h-h! – YOU – in my place – YOU!”

Gyp flung herself on him from behind, dragging his arms down, and, clasping her hands together, held him fast. He twisted round in her arms and sat down on the bed. In that moment of his collapse, Gyp snatched up her baby and fled out, down the dark stairs, hearing him stumbling, groping in pursuit. She fled into the dining-room and locked the door. She heard him run against it and fall down. Snuggling her baby, who was crying now, inside her nightgown, next to her skin for warmth, she stood rocking and hushing it, trying to listen. There was no more sound. By the hearth, whence a little heat still came forth from the ashes, she cowered down. With cushions and the thick white felt from the dining-table, she made the baby snug, and wrapping her shivering self in the table-cloth, sat staring wide-eyed before her – and always listening. There were sounds at first, then none. A long, long time she stayed like that, before she stole to the door. She did not mean to make a second mistake. She could hear the sound of heavy breathing. And she listened to it, till she was quite certain that it was really the breathing of sleep. Then stealthily she opened, and looked. He was over there, lying against the bottom chair, in a heavy, drunken slumber. She knew that sleep so well; he would not wake from it.

It gave her a sort of evil pleasure that they would find him like that in the morning when she was gone. She went back to her baby and, with infinite precaution, lifted it, still sleeping, cushion and all, and stole past him up the stairs that, under her bare feet, made no sound. Once more in her locked room, she went to the window and looked out. It was just before dawn; her garden was grey and ghostly, and she thought: ‘The last time I shall see you. Good-bye!’

Then, with the utmost speed, she did her hair and dressed. She was very cold and shivery, and put on her fur coat and cap. She hunted out two jerseys for the baby, and a certain old camel’s-hair shawl. She took a few little things she was fondest of and slipped them into her wrist-bag with her purse, put on her hat and a pair of gloves. She did everything very swiftly, wondering, all the time, at her own power of knowing what to take. When she was quite ready, she scribbled a note to Betty to follow with the dogs to Bury Street, and pushed it under the nursery door. Then, wrapping the baby in the jerseys and shawl, she went downstairs. The dawn had broken, and, from the long narrow window above the door with spikes of iron across it, grey light was striking into the hall. Gyp passed Fiorsen’s sleeping figure safely, and, for one moment, stopped for breath. He was lying with his back against the wall, his head in the hollow of an arm raised against a stair, and his face turned a little upward. That face which, hundreds of times, had been so close to her own, and something about this crumpled body, about his tumbled hair, those cheek-bones, and the hollows beneath the pale lips just parted under the dirt-gold of his moustache – something of lost divinity in all that inert figure – clutched for a second at Gyp’s heart. Only for a second. It was over, this time! No more – never again! And, turning very stealthily, she slipped her shoes on, undid the chain, opened the front door, took up her burden, closed the door softly behind her, and walked away.

Part III

I

Gyp was going up to town. She sat in the corner of a first-class carriage, alone. Her father had gone up by an earlier train, for the annual June dinner of his old regiment, and she had stayed to consult the doctor concerning “little Gyp,” aged nearly nineteen months, to whom teeth were making life a burden.

Her eyes wandered from window to window, obeying the faint excitement within her. All the winter and spring, she had been at Mildenham, very quiet, riding much, and pursuing her music as best she could, seeing hardly anyone except her father; and this departure for a spell of London brought her the feeling that comes on an April day, when the sky is blue, with snow-white clouds, when in the fields the lambs are leaping, and the grass is warm for the first time, so that one would like to roll in it. At Widrington, a porter entered, carrying a kit-bag, an overcoat, and some golf-clubs; and round the door a little group, such as may be seen at any English wayside station, clustered, filling the air with their clean, slightly drawling voices. Gyp noted a tall woman whose blonde hair was going grey, a young girl with a fox-terrier on a lead, a young man with a Scotch terrier under his arm and his back to the carriage. The girl was kissing the Scotch terrier’s head.

“Good-bye, old Ossy! Was he nice! Tumbo, keep DOWN! YOU’RE not going!”

“Good-bye, dear boy! Don’t work too hard!”

The young man’s answer was not audible, but it was followed by irrepressible gurgles and a smothered:

“Oh, Bryan, you ARE – Good-bye, dear Ossy!” “Good-bye!” “Good-bye!” The young man who had got in, made another unintelligible joke in a rather high-pitched voice, which was somehow familiar, and again the gurgles broke forth. Then the train moved. Gyp caught a side view of him, waving his hat from the carriage window. It was her acquaintance of the hunting-field – the “Mr. Bryn Summer’ay,” as old Pettance called him, who had bought her horse last year. Seeing him pull down his overcoat, to bank up the old Scotch terrier against the jolting of the journey, she thought: ‘I like men who think first of their dogs.’ His round head, with curly hair, broad brow, and those clean-cut lips, gave her again the wonder: ‘Where HAVE I seen someone like him?’ He raised the window, and turned round.

“How would you like – Oh, how d’you do! We met out hunting. You don’t remember me, I expect.”

“Yes; perfectly. And you bought my horse last summer. How is he?”

“In great form. I forgot to ask what you called him; I’ve named him Hotspur – he’ll never be steady at his fences. I remember how he pulled with you that day.”

They were silent, smiling, as people will in remembrance of a good run.

Then, looking at the dog, Gyp said softly:

“HE looks rather a darling. How old?”

“Twelve. Beastly when dogs get old!”

There was another little silence while he contemplated her steadily with his clear eyes.

“I came over to call once – with my mother; November the year before last. Somebody was ill.”

“Yes – I.”

“Badly?”

Gyp shook her head.

“I heard you were married – ” The little drawl in his voice had increased, as though covering the abruptness of that remark. Gyp looked up.

“Yes; but my little daughter and I live with my father again.” What “came over” her – as they say – to be so frank, she could not have told.

He said simply:

“Ah! I’ve often thought it queer I’ve never seen you since. What a run that was!”

“Perfect! Was that your mother on the platform?”

“Yes – and my sister Edith. Extraordinary dead-alive place, Widrington; I expect Mildenham isn’t much better?”

“It’s very quiet, but I like it.”

“By the way, I don’t know your name now?”

“Fiorsen.”

“Oh, yes! The violinist. Life’s a bit of a gamble, isn’t it?”

Gyp did not answer that odd remark, did not quite know what to make of this audacious young man, whose hazel eyes and lazy smile were queerly lovable, but whose face in repose had such a broad gravity. He took from his pocket a little red book.

“Do you know these? I always take them travelling. Finest things ever written, aren’t they?”

The book – Shakespeare’s Sonnets – was open at that which begins:

     “Let me not to the marriage of true minds        Admit impediments.  Love is not love      Which alters when it alteration finds,        Or bends with the remover to remove – ”

Gyp read on as far as the lines:

     “Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks        Within his bending sickle’s compass come.      Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks        But bears it out even to the edge of doom – ”

and looked out of the window. The train was passing through a country of fields and dykes, where the sun, far down in the west, shone almost level over wide, whitish-green space, and the spotted cattle browsed or stood by the ditches, lazily flicking their tufted tails. A shaft of sunlight flowed into the carriage, filled with dust motes; and, handing the little book back through that streak of radiance, she said softly:

“Yes; that’s wonderful. Do you read much poetry?”

“More law, I’m afraid. But it is about the finest thing in the world, isn’t it?”

“No; I think music.”

“Are you a musician?”

“Only a little.”

“You look as if you might be.”

“What? A little?”

“No; I should think you had it badly.”

“Thank you. And you haven’t it at all?”

“I like opera.”

“The hybrid form – and the lowest!”

“That’s why it suits me. Don’t you like it, though?”

“Yes; that’s why I’m going up to London.”

“Really? Are you a subscriber?”

“This season.”

“So am I. Jolly – I shall see you.”

Gyp smiled. It was so long since she had talked to a man of her own age, so long since she had seen a face that roused her curiosity and admiration, so long since she had been admired. The sun-shaft, shifted by a westward trend of the train, bathed her from the knees up; and its warmth increased her light-hearted sense of being in luck – above her fate, instead of under it.

Astounding how much can be talked of in two or three hours of a railway journey! And what a friendly after-warmth clings round those hours! Does the difficulty of making oneself heard provoke confidential utterance? Or is it the isolation or the continual vibration that carries friendship faster and further than will a spasmodic acquaintanceship of weeks? But in that long talk he was far the more voluble. There was, too, much of which she could not speak. Besides, she liked to listen. His slightly drawling voice fascinated her – his audacious, often witty way of putting things, and the irrepressible bubble of laughter that would keep breaking from him. He disclosed his past, such as it was, freely – public-school and college life, efforts at the bar, ambitions, tastes, even his scrapes. And in this spontaneous unfolding there was perpetual flattery; Gyp felt through it all, as pretty women will, a sort of subtle admiration. Presently he asked her if she played piquet.

“Yes; I play with my father nearly every evening.”

“Shall we have a game, then?”

She knew he only wanted to play because he could sit nearer, joined by the evening paper over their knees, hand her the cards after dealing, touch her hand by accident, look in her face. And this was not unpleasant; for she, in turn, liked looking at his face, which had what is called “charm” – that something light and unepiscopal, entirely lacking to so many solid, handsome, admirable faces.

But even railway journeys come to an end; and when he gripped her hand to say good-bye, she gave his an involuntary little squeeze. Standing at her cab window, with his hat raised, the old dog under his arm, and a look of frank, rather wistful, admiration on his face, he said:

“I shall see you at the opera, then, and in the Row perhaps; and I may come along to Bury Street, some time, mayn’t I?”

Nodding to those friendly words, Gyp drove off through the sultry London evening. Her father was not back from the dinner, and she went straight to her room. After so long in the country, it seemed very close in Bury Street; she put on a wrapper and sat down to brush the train-smoke out of her hair.

For months after leaving Fiorsen, she had felt nothing but relief. Only of late had she begun to see her new position, as it was – that of a woman married yet not married, whose awakened senses have never been gratified, whose spirit is still waiting for unfoldment in love, who, however disillusioned, is – even if in secret from herself – more and more surely seeking a real mate, with every hour that ripens her heart and beauty. To-night – gazing at her face, reflected, intent and mournful, in the mirror – she saw that position more clearly, in all its aridity, than she had ever seen it. What was the use of being pretty? No longer use to anyone! Not yet twenty-six, and in a nunnery! With a shiver, but not of cold, she drew her wrapper close. This time last year she had at least been in the main current of life, not a mere derelict. And yet – better far be like this than go back to him whom memory painted always standing over her sleeping baby, with his arms stretched out and his fingers crooked like claws.