The Casual Ward: Academic and Other Oddments

Mycenae, January 12.

It appears from the Court Circular that Her Royal Highness has been advised by her physicians to reside for some time in Asia Minor. At the same time I cannot conceal the fact that the Corinthian society paper, Alethea, mentions the name of a Trojan prince in connexion with this story. I am naturally unwilling to make myself the mouthpiece of scandal.

February 1.

The fact can no longer be disguised that grave international complications are likely to arise between Troy and Mycenae. It is stated on the highest authority that the Argive ambassador has been recalled from the former capital, the alleged reason being promotion to a still higher diplomatic post: there seems, however, to be no reasonable doubt that the practical rupture of relations between the Empires of the West and East is not remotely connected with the eternal maxim, “Cherchez la femme.” Much sympathy is expressed with H.R.H. Prince Menelaus.

February 20.

Everything points to war. Orders for a substantial increase of the Navy have been placed in the hands of Messrs. Odysseus & Co., the celebrated firm of shipbuilders. Heroes are earnestly called for.

The Argive Chamber was, last Wednesday, the scene of an animated debate. M. Diomedes, War Minister, demanded a vote which would enable him to enrol three more phalanxes. He was bitterly opposed by M. Thersites, Leader of the Extreme Left, who demanded to know why the Achaean nation was to be plunged recklessly into war for the settlement of matters properly pertaining to the province of a Divorce Court. Fortunately for the success of M. Diomedes’ proposal, the closure was put in operation.

Later.

M. Thersites’ funeral is announced for to-morrow (about the time of loosing oxen).

February 25.

I cannot better describe the existing political situation than by quoting the opinion of leading newspapers in Achaea and elsewhere.

All the official journals are consistently warlike in tone. They declare that nothing will satisfy Achaean aspirations but the annexation of Helen. The Athenian Asty declares that should King Agamemnon employ the opened floodgates of popular enthusiasm as a stepping-stone to lop off another limb from the decaying trunk of the (so-called) Trojan Empire, he will have achieved a permanent blessing to civilization.

On the other hand, the Olympian Times comments severely on the precipitate action of Agamemnon, and animadverts on the rash proceedings which have led to a rupture that might have been averted by diplomacy. As the Times is understood to be the mouthpiece of the Powers, such an utterance may well give rise to the gravest apprehensions.

The Oracle– a Phocian organ of pronounced clerical tendencies – preserves an ambiguous tone.

Everything indicates a warlike attitude on the part of the entourage of King Priam. Hector Pasha has been appointed War Minister. The Prehistoric Post speaks of the enlistment of two new regiments of Hittite Bashi-Bazouks in the interior of Asia Minor. The Cassandra, however, a journal little read although supposed by some to be inspired, has constituted itself the organ of the peace party, and confidently predicts the destruction of Troy.

The Ephemerios Chronographos has received the following telegram from the veteran statesman Nestor: “Profound sympathy Achaean aspirations. Bag and baggage only possible policy. Postcard follows. – Nestor, Hawarden, Pylos.”

March 1.

His Majesty and the Greek Fleet sailed to-day from Epidaurus, amid scenes of great enthusiasm. Her Majesty the Queen and His Excellency Count Aegisthus were both visibly affected. Mycenae is daily paraded by crowds shouting, “To Ilion!”

March 8.

The Fleet is at Aulis, waiting until the process of raising the wind shall have been concluded. Meantime, the services of the notorious Klepht Achilles have been engaged. This popular enlistment creates great enthusiasm.

The report recently prevalent as to human sacrifices is contradicted this morning by an official démenti.

H.R.H. the Princess Iphigeneia has joined a Russian religious house.

Trojan bonds are quoted to-day at 53.8 (a fall of 0.2).

Later.

The attitude of the Olympian Powers causes considerable anxiety.

Tenedos, March 15.

Telegrams per Beacon will have informed you that the Powers have issued a Collective Note to the Greek expeditionary force, forbidding the landing of heroes and others. Notwithstanding this, there seems to be no doubt that several demi-gods under Achilles have landed, and are endeavouring to effect administrative reforms. Achaean newspapers of all shades condemn the recent action of Poseidon in attempting to raise a storm. Hector Pasha is committing atrocities.

March 17.

In spite of the known discrepancy between the views of the Powers, they have issued a Collective Note urging upon His Majesty King Agamemnon the necessity of prompt withdrawal. In view of his possible refusal, it is understood that thunderbolts are in preparation, and Ares has been mobilized. This action is severely commented upon by the Achaean Press in general. The Phaeacian Daily Chronicle goes so far as to threaten a mass meeting in Trafalgar Square. Meanwhile, Hector Pasha is committing atrocities.

March 18.

The Powers have issued Collective Notes to the contending parties. It is understood that nothing short of a Deus ex machina can avert a formal rupture of relations between the Courts of Troy and Mycenae, as acts which are liable to the interpretation of belligerency are daily committed.

The ambiguous attitude of Zeus tends to complicate the situation. His Majesty the King narrowly missed being hit by a thunderbolt this morning.

March 20.

I am authorized to state that the intervention of a Deus ex machina has brought about the arrangement of a modus vivendi. The Achaean expeditionary force is to withdraw, and Helen is to be autonomous. Menelaus, however, is to be free to enforce administrative reforms.

March 21.

Peace with Honour has been proclaimed. It is possible, however, that some embarrassment may still arise from the action of King Priam in assessing the material, moral, and intellectual damage inflicted on himself and his allies at 152,833 tripods, 18 women, and an ox. This sum will certainly be disputed.

It is asserted as probable that the Poet Laureate, – Homer, will be invited to compose an epic poem commemorating the events of the raid. An edition of 20,000 copies will be issued, including 50 on India paper, with corruptions and emendations by eminent scholars.

THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH

(II.) FORGOTTEN HISTORY

The Roman correspondent of the Stella Lugdunensis writes to his paper under date a. v.c. 817: —

All the Press is naturally full of the recent debate in the Senate on the alleged unconstitutional indiscretions of our Imperial Master. (H.I.M., I should add, is at present on a lecturing tour in the Peloponnesus; statements in the Custos Burdigalensis to the effect that He is giving a series of violin recitals are wholly without foundation.) The impression produced is on the whole one of unanimous condemnation of His Majesty’s recent action. How – it is argued even by the Right – can it tend to the stability of Roman foreign policy that in the regrettable military operations between the Suebi and the Chatti the Emperor should have directed General Count Corbulo to prepare an invincible plan of campaign for each of the belligerents? The Extreme Left, as represented by Messrs. Barea and T. Peters (? Paetus), goes much farther, and does not hesitate to criticize the autocratic dilettantism which professes to lay down the law on artistic matters which it does not in the least understand. It is time (said one speaker) that our so-called Emperor should cease to be persuaded by the plaudits of a decadent and servile entourage into imagining Himself a Second Sarasatius. Absolutism is generally condemned.

Messrs. Nerva and Nymphidius and other prominent Imperialists have, of course, defended their master; but their apologies, it is felt, were somewhat perfunctory and half-hearted. In allusion to the lamented demise of the Dowager Empress, it was pointed out that pity and loyalty alike should forbid trampling on a Ruler bowed down by repeated domestic bereavements; and attempts were made to enlist sympathy for the Imperial Orphan. These, however, have not been uniformly crowned with success.

Tension undoubtedly exists. I cannot (to speak plainly) conceal from myself the fact that in a given contingency, the nature of which it is unnecessary and, perhaps, undesirable to specify further, circumstances at present unforeseen might conceivably pave the way for developments of which it might be impossible to predict the eventual termination.

* * * * *

“Ought Nero to Abdicate?” is the subject of a “symposium” in the current Primum Saeculum et Post. The signatures L and S are commonly associated with the talented author whose Pharsalia has long been recognized as the most charming of Saturnalian gift-books, and the Rev. L. A. Seneca, formerly private tutor in His Majesty’s household. Should H.I.M. decide to abdicate, it is anticipated that He will edit our Boeotian contemporary the Oracle, which is sadly in need of new blood. Nero will give it that. The meetings held at the Palazzo Pisone were strictly private.

* * * * *

The Suebian Press continues to hint at fresh indiscretions. There is no doubt that a state of tension exists, which can only be alleviated by the restoration of reciprocal confidence between H.I.M. and the Roman people. The result of the approaching conference between the Emperor and Prince Tigellinus is eagerly discussed.

Later.

H.M.’s interview with the Chancellor at Brundisium is stated to have been productive of entirely satisfactory results. It is said that Nero now thoroughly understands the situation, and is resolved to remodel His conduct accordingly. Tension is greatly alleviated.

* * * * *

I cannot more graphically summarize the present improved situation than by quoting the headlines in the Acta Diurna.

GREAT REVIEW OF PRAETORIANSOUTSIDE THE SENATE HOUSERESTORED RELATIONS BETWEENCONSCRIPT FATHERS AND EMPERORHIS MAJESTY IN THE SENATEAVE CAESAR OPTIME MAXIMEGREAT ENTHUSIASMDIVINE HONOURS PRACTICALLY CERTAINIMPROVED FINANCIAL POSITIONNEW ISSUE OF CONSULS EXPECTED

All this tends to indicate that the period of mutual suspicion and distrust is practically at an end. Nothing shows it more clearly than the happy renewal of social relations between the Emperor and the leading members of the Senate. As a guarantee of good feeling, several of our legislators have consented, at His Majesty’s earnest request, to assist Him in the forthcoming Pageant of Empire to be held in the Circus Maximus. Their collaboration is indeed indispensable, large consignments of empty lions being reported to have arrived at Ostia. The hearty sympathy between our Ruler and His people is still further attested by the fact that several Senators who were but lately among the foremost critics of Absolutism are now taking a personal and prominent share in the scheme of street illuminations recently suggested to the Emperor by His Chancellor. Members of the Stoic Democratic Federation have been invited to meet H.I.M. at dinner at the Café Locusta.

* * * * *

The Café Locusta dinner has been a great success. It is not expected that the Stoic Democratic Federation will express any further opinion hostile to the Imperial policy.

M. Nymphidius has been commissioned to form a Ministry.

Not the least noteworthy among social événements is the departure of Piso (whose tendency to form cabals has for some time been a sore subject in Imperialistic circles) for his estates in Thule, N.B. He has left, according to one account, by the Hook (unco).

* * * * *

I quote from the Court Journal: —

“The Emperor Nero reigns in the hearts of His People. Persons asserting the contrary will be decapitated.”

PHILOGEORGOS, OR CONCERNING BRIBERY

Going down the other day to the Kerameikos, I met my friend Philogeorgos, who is at present one of those who desire to hold office in the city. And I said to him —

“Philogeorgos, you look sad; is it because you fear lest you should not be elected Archon?”

“No, Socrates,” he replied. “It is not that which saddens me; it is the baseness of those who try to prevent the people from choosing me.”

“In what way do they act basely?” I asked.

“There is a certain wine-seller,” he said, “who is offering what the Hyperboreans call Free Drinks (that is, you know, draughts of wine without payment) to all those who will vote for Misogeorgos, but not for me.”

“That is very unkind of the wine-seller. But why do you say that the transaction is base?”

“Why, of course it is base. How can it be anything else?”

“When we predicate baseness of a transaction,” I said, “we must also predicate baseness of those who are concerned in it, or at least of one of them. Now, Philogeorgos, let me ask you a question; for you are accustomed by this time to answer questions. When you wish for a pair of shoes or a flute, how do you obtain one?”

“How else,” he said, “except by buying it from a shoemaker or a maker of flutes?”

“How else, indeed?” I replied. “So, then, the tradesman gives you something which he possesses; and you give the tradesman in return something which you possess. And this exchange is advantageous to both of you, and honourable; is it not?”

“I suppose so.”

“And neither of you becomes base?”

“Neither.”

“Then it is not a base transaction?”

“No.”

“Now consider in this way; Does a vote belong to the man who possesses a vote?”

“Yes, Socrates; but I am afraid that you are going to quibble, as usual.”

“It is only by dialectic,” I replied, “that we can arrive at the truth. And the wine belongs, I suppose, to the wine-seller?”

“It would seem so, at least.”

“Then when the wine-seller gets the voter’s vote in exchange for his own wine, they simply give each other what each possesses; and such a transaction, as you have said, is advantageous to both parties, and honourable, and not base at all.”

“I said,” he replied, rather angrily, “that you were going to quibble. Of course, the case is quite different. A vote is a sacred thing; and it ought not to be exchanged for the satisfaction of mere bodily desires, such as the desire for drink.”

“Nor for any other material comfort?” I asked.

“Certainly not,” he replied.

“Nobly spoken, indeed!” I said. “But I confess, all the same, that you rather surprise me; for only this morning I heard the herald proclaiming in your name that all the citizens would have Free Food if they voted for Philogeorgos. And I remember how some years ago either Phaidrolithos or one of those around him used to promise at elections that everyone should have three acres of land and a cow, on condition that the city kept him and his party in power. You do not mean to tell me that what Phaidrolithos or his friends did was base?”

“No, indeed,” he replied. “But surely, Socrates, even you must see that this is a different matter altogether.”

“How different? You say that votes must not be exchanged for material comforts; yet Free Food is a material comfort; and so are three acres, because they produce food; and so, I presume, is a cow. And these things were offered to the voter in exchange for his vote, just as the wine-seller now is offering draughts of wine.”

“No, Socrates, it is not the same thing at all. When I talk of Free Food, and when men like Phaidrolithos talk of land and cows, we do not give these things immediately in exchange for votes. We could not; they are not ours to give; we have not got them.”

“That is very true,” I said. “For I remember when Phaidrolithos and his party were put in power many people used to come to those in authority and demand that they should now receive three acres of land each and a cow; and when they did not receive these things they were indignant, as having been deceived. And I daresay that when you are in power men will come expecting to receive Free Food, and will not get it. But, as far as I can understand your argument, it is honourable to promise in return for a vote that which you cannot give; but when one promises that which he can give, as the wine-seller does, that is base, and that makes you sad. Is it not so? And the reason seems to be that when the wine-seller offers Free Drinks for a vote, then the vote is sold; but when you offer Free Food for a vote, then it is not the vote which is sold, but only the voter.”

“Socrates,” said Philogeorgos, “you are a philosopher; and no philosopher ever understood politics. But I am busy, and have really no more time to waste upon you and your dialectics.”

“Farewell, then, Philogeorgos,” I said; “but please do not be angry with me for being so stupid. And if I were you,” I continued, “I do not think I would be angry with the wine-seller either; for perhaps the draughts of wine will make the citizens drunk, especially when they need not be paid for; and when a citizen is drunk he will run the risk of voting for you rather than for Misogeorgos. Do you not think so?”

But Philogeorgos was already out of hearing.

PHILELEUTHEROS; OR, CONCERNING THE PEOPLE’S WILL

“Is not this a dreadful thing, Socrates, that Balphurios has been lately doing about what he calls a Referendum?”

“What thing?” I said. “I have heard indeed lately that he has said this – that if he and his friends should be elected to sit in the Ecclesia, he will not propose a law taxing Megarian imports without first consulting the citizens; and he has invited Askoïthios to do the same thing, and not to give autonomy to the Samians without first consulting the citizens. Is that the dreadful thing?”

“So dreadful, Socrates, that even now I can scarcely believe it: for it aims at the destruction of the democracy. But I can tell him that Askoïthios will certainly not do what he is invited to do.”

“Why will he not do it?” I asked.

“Because Askoïthios knows very well already that all the citizens are in favour of giving autonomy to the Samians.”

“Well, Phileleutheros,” I said, “in that case he will do no harm by having consulted them. And does Balphurios also know what the citizens think about taxing Megarian imports?”

“Certainly: he knows that all men (except himself and his friends) abhor such a plan.”

“Then,” I said, “no harm will be done there either; for the citizens, being consulted, will say what they wish.”

“But, Socrates, it is always harmful that the citizens should be consulted. And that is why Askoïthios will not consult them.”

“Why, Phileleutheros,” I said, “are you not a democrat?”

“Of course I am.”

“And in a democracy do not the people rule?”

“I suppose so.”

“By saying what they wish to have done, or otherwise?”

“By saying so, I suppose.”

“And if they are not allowed to say what they wish, they are not ruling, and it is not a democracy?”

“Perhaps.”

“Then Balphurios, who asks the people what they wish, is a democratic man; and Askoïthios, who does not ask them, is not a democratic man; nor are you one, apparently, O Phileleutheros.”

“This is all nonsense, Socrates,” he said. “Balphurios cannot be a democrat: for I am a democrat, and I do not agree with Balphurios. And you have not the least conception of what is meant by democracy: which is, that certain persons are chosen by the majority of the citizens that they may sit in the Ecclesia and carry out the wishes of the people.”

“But for what reasons do you choose such persons?” I asked.

“They ought to be chosen, Socrates,” he replied, “because they possess the qualities proper to democratic men.”

“You mean,” I said, “that they must hate and speak evil of the rich; and that they must wish to diminish the number of our triremes; and that they must refuse to tax Megarian imports; and that they must be conscious of their own virtues and the vices of others.”

“I do not altogether praise your definition; but it will do.”

“But with all these qualities,” I said, “will your ecclesiasts always know what you wish when something unexpected happens about which it is necessary to decide? For instance, if one of the chief speakers proposes a law that all burglars should be honoured by dinners in the Prytaneum, will not your ecclesiasts come to us and say, ‘O Socrates and Phileleutheros, we possess all the qualities proper to democratic men: we are conscious of our own virtues, and we should like to diminish the number of your triremes: and for these qualities we have been elected; but as to this matter of giving burglars a dinner in the Prytaneum, about this we do not yet know your wishes: and we would gladly be informed by you?’”

“If they do not know our wishes of themselves,” said Phileleutheros, “they will suffer for it at the next election.”

“That is very unpleasant for them,” I replied. “Suppose now that you hired an architect to build you a house, and that while he was building it he needed your advice, and came and said to you, ‘O Phileleutheros, I have given your house four walls and a roof according to your wishes; but you have not yet told me whether your banqueting-hall ought to have three windows or six. About this I do not yet know your wishes, and I would gladly be informed by you.’ Will you then say to him that you have no authority to tell him your wishes any more, but that if he happens to decide contrary to your will you will not employ him again? Similarly, it seems to me, you are in danger of making the Ecclesia no longer the agent of your wishes, but it and those who lead it will be now and then tyrants and not your servants – if to make laws not according to the will of the people is tyranny. And you can punish the ecclesiasts by dismissing them after a time, of course; but you will only elect others who will be tyrants again in the same way as their predecessors.”

“But the Nomothetae, Socrates, will prevent them.”

“Hardly,” I replied. “For your leaders of the Ecclesia, who are democrats and will not consult the people, and whom you praise, will ask the Nomothetae for their opinion three times; and when thereby they are quite satisfied that their proposal is displeasing to the Nomothetae it will forthwith become law. So that the conclusion is this: that the leaders of the Ecclesia will in most cases have authority to do what they like without consulting anybody. And these leaders, Askoïthios and his friends, are few in relation to the mass of the citizens, are they not?”

“They are not many, certainly.”

“That is something to be thankful for,” I said. “They then, being few, will rule for the time; and when the few rule, that is oligarchy. Is it not? Unless perhaps you will say that when your enemies are in power in the Ecclesia, it is oligarchy; but when your friends are in power, then it is democracy?”

“Socrates, you are right, for once. That is precisely what I do say.”

THE TUTOR’S EXPEDIENT

“Come in” said the Senior Tutor of St. Boniface: and two scholars came in. (He knew they were scholars, because this was his hour for seeing scholars.) One was a heavy-looking young man in a frock coat and tall hat. The other was a spruce youth, who looked as if nature had intended him for an attorney’s clerk; as, indeed, nature had.

“Scholars, I presume, gentlemen?” inquired the Tutor. The young men bowed. “In what subjects, may I ask? You, sir” (turning to the spruce youth) “Mr. – I forget your name – eh? Oh, thanks – is it Classics? History? Natural Science, perhaps?”

“Oh no, sir; I hold a ‘Daily Thunderer’ Scholarship.”

“Exactly: I remember now. You read all through Tit-Bits for a whole year, and the ‘D. T.’ pays you – £l,200, isn’t it? The task is a little dear at the price, it always seemed to me: but still, Tit-Bits– ”

“It isn’t quite that, sir,” put in the youth; “it was for the ‘Encyclop – ’”

(“I knew it was dear at the price,” the Tutor murmured.)

‘“ – ædia Pananglica,’” continued the scholar. “My Scholarship is for reading that. I have it outside, in three packing-cases.”

“The Scholarship?” asked the Tutor, weakly.

“No,” said the scholar; “the ‘Encyclopædia Pananglica.’”