The Lost Ones

It may have been my imagination, but I couldn’t help feeling an oppressive aura about the room that went beyond the fustiness of the air and the pervading chill that sent goose-pimples down my arms. It felt somehow inhospitable, and I understood now Madeleine’s reluctance to use the room for her own baby. Indeed, I felt greatly relieved her child would be housed elsewhere.

The light streaming through the window vanished as scudding clouds covered the sun, casting a grey pallor over the room. There was a soft clatter. A small marble rolled across the floorboards towards us, skipping over the edges of each adjoining board. Its blue centre, the shape of a cat’s eye, spun hypnotically within the green glass ball. I was transfixed by its progress until it finally came to a stop by the tip of Annie’s shoe.

‘I must have knocked it down,’ she said. ‘Have you seen enough, miss?’

I nodded and allowed her to usher me from the room. She pulled the door shut behind her. I hesitated at the top of the stairs. I was filled with an irrational yet overwhelming sense of fear.

‘They’re so terribly steep,’ I muttered.

‘It’s a long way down, isn’t it, miss?’ Annie was so close behind me I could feel her breath on my cheek. Discomfort shunted me forward.

My fingers tightly gripped the cold curve of the banister. Steadily I made my way, the air growing warmer with each descending step. I experienced a peculiar sense of relief when I set both feet on the carpet at the bottom.

Later, when I had finally managed to dispense with my lingering unease, I thought back on the marble. Curiously, it had not appeared to be rolling away from Annie.

I could have sworn it was rolling straight for her.

Chapter Eleven

I made no mention to Madeleine of my exploration of the nursery floor, nor did I broach the accidental discovery of the toy soldiers in her drawer. This last bit of intelligence festered within me for the rest of the day and long into the evening. I found my nerves brittle, my manner off-hand, and my thoughts conflicted. By dinner time, a tight knot had developed in my stomach and I barely touched a thing. Instead, I snatched glances at Madeleine, wondering what secrets lay concealed behind her innocent expression.

I was relieved when she finally declared she was ready for bed. She looked to me, as ever, to escort her through the treacherous darkness to the safety of her room. She had of course noticed that I was not myself, but I allayed her concerns by attributing my low-spirits to a nagging headache.

I could not sleep. I was deeply troubled by the tangle of soldiers and what could be inferred from their mysterious presence in Madeleine’s drawer. The peculiar atmosphere of the landing rooms also played on my mind, and though the house was at peace under the cover of night, I found myself straining to catch every whisper of draught, every tell-tale creak. Each time I closed my eyes I saw images of Annie Burrows and spinning marbles, Lydia and Lucien, Madeleine and her miniature lead army, all set against a terrifying backdrop of searing flames and choking smoke. Sleep was an impossibility. I longed with every particle of my being for Gerald’s steadying presence.

I must have eventually succumbed to exhaustion for I woke in a befuddled daze, daylight straining at the curtains. The fire’s gentle crackle revealed Annie had already been in, but I had clearly slept right through her visit, dead to the world. I turned over and groggily looked at my watch – I was thoroughly aghast to see that it had already turned eight.

Madeleine had warned me the evening before that I would be expected to join the house party for church. Lady Brightwell, it seemed, was as stringent as my parents in that regard: guests and servants alike were expected to attend the Sunday morning service. I was already running late as I reached for the bell-pull.

I found myself keeping a close eye on Annie as she laid out my clothes, tidied away my things and gathered items for the wash. I don’t know whether she was aware of my constant surveillance, but sometimes I thought I saw her use the mirror to spy on me. We moved cautiously about the room, like two circling pugilists, each waiting for the other to make the first move.

I was last down, of course. Madeleine looked up in obvious relief as I began my descent to the hall, where Lady Brightwell and Miss Scott were already waiting, ready to depart, armed with umbrellas.

‘You join us at last.’ Lady Brightwell made no attempt to hide her disapproval at my tardy arrival. ‘We had almost given up on you.’

‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t sleep well last night, the unfortunate consequence being I overslept this morning.’ Annie appeared with my coat, hat and a furled umbrella.

‘Was it the headache?’ Madeleine enquired as I fumbled with my buttons. ‘You poor thing.’

‘Well, we must be off. I have never been late for a service in thirty years, I have no intention of starting now,’ Lady Brightwell declared, leading us out to the car.

‘She has never been late because the vicar has never dared start without her,’ Madeleine muttered as we fell in behind.

As the Rolls rumbled over the cattle grid we passed Annie, running to catch the rest of the servants, who were taking a shortcut across the park to the village. I settled back in my seat and felt for my locket, hidden below my clothing. I fished it out, so it lay against the black weave of my coat.

Miss Scott leant forward. ‘Your locket is very pretty, Miss Marcham, it has caught my eye now on several occasions.’

‘Thank you.’ I smiled. ‘Gerald gave it to me.’ The detail was instinctive, but my smile wavered as I delivered it.

‘It must be very precious to you then.’

‘Yes, yes, it is. Most precious.’

I touched the gold oval, relishing its solidity, as my memory took me back to a perfect late summer’s day, August 1914. It had been a small gathering, just a few friends and neighbours, tables set out on the lawns. We women had declared there was to be no talk of war, but the subject proved irresistible to the men. They had huddled together, voices muted, their faces grave.

Gerald had broken off from them as the afternoon grew languid. I was sitting on a blanket, gossiping with Madeleine, when his shadow fell across my face.

‘Walk with me?’ He held out his hand in invitation.

I laughed as he hauled me to my feet. He drew my arm through his and we ambled towards the lake. My dress was white and light, floating about my ankles with every step. Gerald was dressed in cream trousers and a cream blazer trimmed with navy, his shirt collar open at the throat. It was, everyone had agreed, far too hot for neckties.

It was fresher by the lake, a slight breeze rippling the sparkling surface. Our steps sounded hollow as we walked the length of the wooden jetty. When we reached the end it felt as if we were standing in the middle of the lake itself – the shore, the others, far behind us. A moorhen glided out from the bank, periodically dipping his red beak into the water. I leant on Gerald, light-headed under the oppressive sun. My scalp itched with the heat, and I could feel a trickle of sweat running down my nape.

‘I’ve signed up.’

I knew the announcement was coming, of course. They all were – the eager young men, keen for adventure. There had been a desperate rush, all fearful they might miss it – their one opportunity for a jolly good fight, a rather marvellous war. I didn’t react. I just stared out over the lake. I didn’t even have any words in my head – I had to think what to say. In the end, all I came up with was a paltry ‘Oh’.

We stood in silence, watching the moorhen change direction.

‘I wanted to speak to you, before I went.’

I hardly dared to breathe.

‘Stella – I was wondering whether, when I get back, if – well – oh dash it! Marry me, Stella.’ There was a desperate urgency to his final words. My heart exploded, my smile so instantly broad I thought it would tear my cheeks apart.

‘Of course, I will!’ It was a whisper, a laugh, a joyous exclamation and the radiance that broke out on his face mirrored my own.

‘I’m sorry, I had intended to go down on one knee and everything!’

‘You would have ruined your cream trousers!’ I teased as he clutched my hands.

He adopted a look of mock seriousness. ‘I do have something for you.’ I couldn’t stop smiling, my giggles rising like bubbles in a champagne glass. ‘Close your eyes and hold out your hand.’

Biting my lip, I did as he ordered, proffering an open palm. I instantly realised that the velvet box placed on it was considerably larger than anticipated and my eyes flew open. My eyebrows twitched with confusion. Gerald watched me steadily as I lifted back the lid. Nestled against the satin lining was a beautifully scrolled gold locket. I felt the smile falter on my lips.

‘I think a ring is more traditional in these circumstances,’ I concluded lightly.

‘Yes, yes, it is, but …’

He turned away from me, taking a couple of steps closer to the edge of the jetty. He thrust his hands deep into his pockets. I fought to subdue the ominous feeling that was threatening to dampen my happiness. When eventually he turned back to me the youthful joy had dissipated from his handsome features to be replaced by grave contemplation. The afternoon grew chilly.

‘I’m going to war, Stella.’

‘I know …’ The weight of the announcement came to bear. I swallowed back a rising sense of panic. ‘But it won’t be for long. Everyone says it’ll be over by Christmas.’

‘Yes well, that’s the thing about war. It has a way of being rather … unpredictable.’

‘Well, it doesn’t matter how long it lasts …’ I took a tentative step towards him, the jewellery box in my hand. ‘I will always love you, Gerald – you being away won’t change that.’

‘But it might change me.’ He saw my look of shock and corrected himself quickly. ‘Not my feelings for you, Stella, nothing will ever change the way I feel about you, but I don’t know what’s going to happen. I might be horribly injured, I might not even make it back at all—’

‘Don’t say that!’

He bridged the distance between us in one easy stride, gripping my arms to prevent me turning away.

‘Darling Stella …’ I refused to look at him. I couldn’t understand why he was being so cruel, ruining this wonderful moment with talk of devastation and death. ‘Stella.’ I relented and sullenly met his gaze. ‘I cannot tie you to me, not like this. Not knowing what I might be inflicting upon you at the end of this war. But there is nothing I want more in the world than to marry you, to have you as my wife and spend the rest of my days with you. I love you, Stella.’

I swallowed back the sob that threatened to undo me. I forced myself to be brave.

‘So, what is this, then?’ I asked, holding out the locket box.

He smiled, reassured by my attempted return to form. His finger tapped the end of my nose. ‘You’re being slightly petulant.’ He lifted out the locket and stepped behind me, dangling it before my chest. His fingers rested against the back of my neck as he struggled with the clasp. ‘This is a symbol of my intent, Stella Marcham.’ I gasped as his lips pressed against the sensitive skin just below my hairline. Firm hands on my shoulders turned me round. He pulled me close until our bodies touched, his face just inches from mine. ‘I intend to come back to you, I intend to marry you, I intend to spend the rest of my life with you.’ He came even closer. ‘I intend to make you a very happy woman.’

He kissed me then. I melted into his touch. My fingers threaded into the hair at the back of his head, drawing him ever closer to me. When we broke apart, I smiled with deliciously swollen lips.

‘I like your intent,’ I whispered. ‘I accept your intent – and I’ll match your intent, every step of the way.’

Chapter Twelve

The car pulled up before the church just as the troop of servants appeared from a pathway down the side of the graveyard. There were a few spots of rain in the wind as we got out, and I took the umbrella for good measure. The memory of Gerald’s proposal had left me feeling melancholic and for once, I welcomed the opportunity for quiet reflection that the church service offered. Annie Burrows appeared last from the pathway, following a plump woman who was carefully tucking two posies of wild flowers into a bag looped over her forearm. Her eyes narrowed as she caught me watching her.

Following Lady Brightwell to the front door of the church was rather like following Moses across the Red Sea. The crowd of villagers who had congregated outside parted, their heads dipped deferentially as we passed through their midst. I think Madeleine found the whole experience rather embarrassing, shyly meeting people’s eyes and murmuring ‘Good morning’ as she followed in her mother-in-law’s wake.

Lady Brightwell, though, displayed little short of divine authority. She glided through the aisle and up the nave, Miss Scott darting forward to hold open the swing door of the Brightwell boxed pew, positioned at the front. Miss Scott herself only sat when she was quite satisfied she had met her employer’s every need and comfort.

I followed Madeleine into the pew behind. I sighed as I sat down, tucking my umbrella into the corner out of the way. Madeleine unhooked the embroidered hassock and set it on the cold flags, dropping down to offer a prayer. I had no interest in engaging with the God who had abandoned me, so I remained in my seat, worshipping my memories of Gerald rather than a deity I could not see.

It was an unexceptional service. The vicar was ancient and stumbled over his words, his eyes straining to read the sermon, the glasses balanced on his stubby nose clearly unfit for purpose. The organist too was either decrepit or inept, labouring every note until even ‘What A Friend We Have In Jesus’ was reduced to a dirge. I leapt to my feet for the parting blessing, eager to escape.

Lady Brightwell stopped outside the porch to engage the vicar in a long discussion about the state of the hassocks. Miss Scott, clutching her handbag, leant in to me as the departing congregation shuffled around us.

‘I miss the bells,’ she said as Madeleine joined us. ‘I was just saying, it’s not the same without the bells, is it, my dear?’

Pealing church bells were a distant memory. Sundays had been silent for three long years, and would be, I feared, for longer yet. I left Madeleine to console her mother-in-law’s companion and drifted away to scan the faded inscriptions on the headstones haphazardly placed about the graveyard.

I hadn’t gone far when I noticed a soldier. He had his back to me, standing stiff and straight before a humble-looking grave, his head bowed. My heart ached; there was something very poignant about the simple sight – a fighting man grieving the lost. Sensing my presence, he began to look my way. I put my head down and walked on, shivering in the cool breeze that whipped up a clutch of dead leaves, buffeting them along the path before me.

A large chest tomb caught my eye and I wandered over to it. The flat tablet of stone that sealed the top rested on ornate pillars, one at each corner. An exquisitely carved stone angel, her head bowed in prayer, her wings closed behind her, knelt at one end, the folds of her robe pooling around her, her arms crossed over her chest. I stopped to read the inscription cut deep into the stone side, and learnt I was standing at the final resting place of none other than Sir Arthur Brightwell himself. The grass about the sarcophagus was unkempt, the edges of the stone lid were beginning to flake, and there was no indication that anyone had been near it for some time.

Moving on, I noticed a few feet away a more traditional headstone, its arced top ornately carved with cherubs and flowers. My pulse stuttered as I read the simple inscription:

IN LOVING MEMORY

LUCIEN ARTHUR BRIGHTWELL

AGED 5 YEARS AND 10 MONTHS

A wilting posy of simple wild flowers lay at the foot of the headstone. I crouched down to touch the faded offering. How curious the boy should be remembered and yet the father should not.

I became aware of someone hovering behind me, and I glanced over my shoulder to see the woman Annie had followed, waiting patiently for me to move on.

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ I said, rising.

‘Oh no, miss, that’s quite all right. I’m just not used to seeing anyone else here, that’s all.’

I noticed that she was clutching one of the bunches of flowers I had seen her with earlier, the top of the other just visible over the rim of her bag.

‘You left the flowers?’

Her round cheeks diffused with pink. ‘Oh, they’re nothing much, miss, just a few pretty wild flowers I pick on the way here each week.’

‘Oh no, I think they’re lovely.’ I stepped away from the grave. ‘What a very sweet thing to do.’

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