Meternity

Ha! Wrong! I turn and stare at them with a self-satisfied grin. They don’t realize I work at Paddy Cakes and may have been, oh, an hour late, but have stealthily arrived with the best gift ever: the Breast-a-nator 2000, the ultimate antimicrobial milking machine that’s like a lactating spa in a box, and makes breastfeeding easy and comfortable.

Katie’s just about opened every gift piled sky-high in her family room—which I am envying, especially the cool velveteen sectional from Crate and Barrel, when I see her sisters handing her mine. I start to smile with pride.

“Oh, my God! This is, like, two hundred dollars! Thank you so, so much, Liz. I didn’t even register for it because I heard they were back-ordered in the States!” Katie exclaims, as she rips off the fancy embossed wrapping paper from my office’s crafts closet.

“I had my press contact call in the newest model from Denmark,” I say, beaming.

“How’d she know about that?” asks the blonde.

“I don’t know,” responds Lilly, “I didn’t even hear about it until last summer, when one of my nipples was about to come off.”

I decide to let everyone in the room in on my secret: “It won Paddy Cakes’ Top 10 Best of Babies last year. It stimulates milk while simultaneously applying a blend of aloe vera, vitamin E and shea butter to the affected area. The suction is centrifugal, mimicking conditions in space, so the areola gets darker and more supple,” I intone.

All Katie’s friends are in shock and don’t say another word. Her sisters just shoot over a good-for-you look.

“So, are you married?” says the blonde, turning to me while Katie and her sisters are putting away gifts. Darn, I think, I almost got out of here scot-free.

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