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The World’s Best Skiing Jokes
Ernest Forbes
You’re not properly equipped without The World’s Best Skiing Jokes!On the piste or in the bar, planning a skiing trip or tripping off your skis, this look at the lighter side of skiing is essential reading for dedicated snow-addicts and armchair skiers alike.
Copyright (#ulink_50c3888a-719c-5df3-959a-b9a0613756ba)
HarperCollinsPublishers
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First published in paperback by HarperCollinsPublishers in 1993
Copyright © Ernest Forbes 1993
Illustrations copyright © Graham Morris 1993
Ernest Forbes asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
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Source ISBN: 9780006382461
Ebook Edition © JUNE 2016 ISBN: 9780008192037
Version: 2016-06-20
Author’s Note (#ulink_7cbabb94-69cb-5efe-bdc8-9bf70a9e7be7)
Had it been intended that man should ski – when I say man I use it collectively to embrace all members of the human race and politicians – we would have been born with feet which grew lengthways to equal our height.
Skiing is definitely for the birds.
I’m glad I haven’t to ski until tomorrow.
It is alleged that tall persons make better skiers and this book is guaranteed to increase your height …
… if you stand on it!
Contents
Cover (#udaa19edf-2cd3-54f9-ab63-6c76f77dc743)
Title Page (#u0adb3a86-1406-5fcf-8650-937a54794f99)
Copyright (#ulink_239b5065-314a-5afa-beee-0a3fa69f8a3e)
Author’s Note (#ulink_40593a5c-4ad3-5330-9516-6692c6d177be)
The World’s Best Skiing Jokes (#ulink_f18f9429-0a43-5a76-8481-be57b47bf7e7)
Keep Reading (#litres_trial_promo)
Also in the Series (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
The World’s Best Skiing Jokes (#ulink_e9eb0c1a-ea0f-5a4e-b1cc-678be904a302)
‘Why the hell did you write that insurance policy for a 96-year-old man going on a skiing holiday?’ shouted the manager at the travel clerk.
‘Well,’ said the clerk, ‘I checked the records and no one of that age has ever had a skiing accident.’
The skier came to a stop at the end of the run and threw his poles, hat and gloves to the ground as he snorted in disgust, ‘I’ve never skied so badly before!’
‘Oh,’ probed an interested instructor, ‘you mean to say you’ve skied before?’
‘What the hell happened to Graham this afternoon when he was jumping?’ asked Ken. ‘He left the jump in a perfect position then all of a sudden he went to pieces. Arms and legs all over the place, then down with a thump.’
‘Well,’ answered Tim, shaking his head in disbelief, ‘in the middle of the jump his mobile phone rang and the silly bugger tried to answer it!’
The sports shop had a large sign: ‘50 PER CENT OFF ALL SPORTING EQUIPMENT.’
A man walked into the shop and, indicating the sign, asked the assistant, ‘Does that apply to skis?’
‘It does,’ replied the assistant.
‘Good,’ acknowledged the man and took out his chequebook, whereupon the assistant handed him one ski.
‘My instructor says I would be a great skier except for two things,’ announced a woman to her companion.
‘Oh,’ said the other woman, ‘what are they?’
‘My feet,’ came the reply.
The ski instructress was talking to a class of beginners and explaining to them the various signs they would encounter in the sport.
‘Signs at present are not universal,’ pointed out the instructress. ‘The colours and shapes of the signs are different in America, Europe and Australia. Some places have square signs, some diamond-shaped, some circles and some use balls. The only common factor is the colour black and that indicates the most difficult runs. Now, from what I have said, could anyone tell me where I would find black circles?’
‘In Europe,’ replied one man.
‘Very good,’ nodded the instructress. ‘Now, where would I find black diamonds?’
‘America and Australia,’ came a quick answer.
‘Excellent,’ approved the instructress. ‘And where would I find black balls?’
‘The West Indies Cricket Team?’ chirped a little blonde at the front of the class.
Her legs ached, her arms ached, her back ached, her head ached, in fact she ached all over. She spent most of her time on the slopes picking herself up. Her skis were constantly entangled, one pointing east the other pointing west. She even took a tumble when she tried to get on a chair lift and almost impaled her husband.
As she slowly dragged herself into the hotel bedroom, she croaked to her husband, ‘Tell me again, darling, what a wonderful time we’re having. I keep forgetting!’
‘I would ski only I don’t want to break a promise,’ boasted the big-headed one.
‘I would ski only I don’t want to break a leg,’ stated the honest one.
‘I gave up fishing for skiing,’ said Richard, ‘and I must say, I would rather ski than fish.’
‘Ah, you would rather battle against the elements than a fish,’ said Larry.
‘No, not really. But when you talk about skiing you don’t have to produce evidence of your expertise,’ replied Richard.
A man told his wife he was going on a business trip for a week but he had actually booked a week at a ski resort. He flew out of the country and was soon signing the register at the hotel, eager to hire the ski equipment and get on the slopes.
Properly equipped, he was enjoying the feeling of freedom and the crisp clear air when he suddenly realized he was lost. As he stared round him to get his bearings a huge hairy figure appeared, causing him to topple over and cry, ‘Oh, Christ!’
‘Please don’t be afraid,’ said the large figure in a soft voice. ‘I am a yeti and I will not harm you.’
‘Oh, it’s not that I’m afraid of you,’ replied the skier scrambling to his feet. ‘But for a moment I thought you were my wife!’
The husband and wife were enjoying the skiing until the man suddenly lost control and went waist deep into the snow.
As he struggled to free himself his wife said, ‘Hurry up, my feet are freezing.’
‘You should be so lucky,’ shuddered the husband.
The weather had suddenly turned bad and a snowstorm swirled up, restricting visibility. Members of the ski patrol were trying to check that there were no skiers out when a man almost skied into their office.
‘You’ll have to go and rescue my wife, she’s trapped on the slope,’ gasped the man as he started to remove his skis.
‘Don’t take off your skis,’ said a member of the ski patrol. ‘You can lead us to where you last saw her.’
‘Are you mad?’ yelled the skier. ‘You don’t really expect me to go out in weather like this?’
An Irishman and his wife arrived in Aspen, Colorado, for a skiing holiday and as they sat in the restaurant for their first meal the husband scanned the menu and asked his wife, ‘What do you call that American dish I’m so wild about?’
‘Goldie Hawn,’ replied his wife without looking up from the menu.
The skier was making his way to the chair lift when he was stopped by a young woman.
‘Good morning, sir,’ greeted the young woman. ‘My name is Barbara and I am carrying out a survey on behalf of the ski association as to the reason you chose this particular resort. I won’t take up much of your time if you would be good enough to answer a few questions.’
‘Certainly,’ said the skier, resting on his poles.
‘Thank you,’ replied Barbara, holding her pen at the ready over her clipboard. ‘Did you choose this resort because of the excellent skiing facilities?’
‘No,’ answered the young man.
‘Because of the great training programme?’
‘No.’
‘Because you’re sure to have good quality snow here?’
‘No.’
‘Because you are encouraged to take part in so many events?’
‘No.’
‘Because you can see so many world-class skiers here?’
‘No.’
‘Because of the wonderful hotel accommodation?’
‘No.’
‘Because of the world-famous food?’
‘No.’
‘Because some of the streets are heated and you can walk to the shops in comfort?’
‘No.’
‘Because of the shows in the evening?’
‘No.’
‘Well,’ challenged the girl, ‘why did you come here?’
‘I won it in a holiday competition,’ grinned the young man as he side-slipped away.
The ambulance men rushed the stretcher into the hospital. The injured man was lying face down on the stretcher with a ski pole sticking in his backside.
‘What happened?’ asked the doctor.
‘Two skiers crashed into each other and in the tangle this man was impaled on the ski pole. We thought it would be better to leave it there until you saw it,’ answered the ambulance man.
‘Right,’ said the doctor. ‘Who is the man holding his hand?’
