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‘That’s the man who caused the injury.’
‘He’s showing a lot of concern,’ commented the doctor.
‘Not really,’ replied the ambulance man. ‘He wants his ski pole back!’
At the recent Winter Olympics the Irish downhill champion broke his leg in two places: once at the top of the run and once at the bottom.
Very early one morning at a ski resort a beginner went out to practise a few moves on his own without any onlookers. He was making slow and shaky progress when suddenly he was struck by a piste basher.
As he lay in hospital, legs in plaster, arms and head bandaged, one of his friends called to see him.
‘You know,’ advised his friend, ‘you should sue for damages.’
‘I don’t want damages,’ replied the injured skier. ‘I want repairs!’
The ski instructor was talking to a class of beginners and was giving them a history of skiing.
‘The “Hoting Ski”, which was found in Sweden, is believed to be over four thousand years old,’ explained the instructor. ‘It is generally accepted that this ski was mainly used for hunting but sport has not been ruled out. I imagine any sport in which they would have taken part would have been very different from what we know today. Tell me, can anyone suggest two other ancient sports?’
‘Certainly,’ answered one would-be skier. ‘Antony and Cleopatra?’
A doctor was explaining his surgery methods to his new assistant.
‘When a young person comes to the surgery and is suffering from stress, I ask if he or she skis. If the answer is “yes”, I advise them to stop at once. If the answer is “no”, I advise them to start as soon as possible.’
‘I believe you had a terrible fall,’ observed a concerned skier when he met his friend.
‘Indeed I did. Someone stole my skis,’ came the sad reply.
‘Stole your skis? Then how did you fall?’ queried the puzzled man.
‘They stole them while I was in the middle of a jump!’
‘Is it true you had glass skis made for your wife?’ asked Alan.
‘Quite true,’ answered Tony.
‘Glass skis? But why glass?’ questioned Alan.
‘So when she knocks someone down and skis over them, she’ll see who it is!’
The two girls arrived at the resort for their first skiing holiday. They had a lot of luggage and immediately started to unpack when they reached their hotel room.
New ski suits, gloves, hats, boots, goggles, underclothes, soft boots, dresses, blouses, skirts, sweaters, shoes, coats, sun cream, lip salve, cameras, a video on skiing and make-up soon covered the bed.
As they stood looking at the collection of clothing and various other items one girl suddenly exclaimed, ‘Oh, bother! We’ve forgotten to bring our skis!’
Desmond was enjoying his cross-country run when he heard the shouts and screams of a girl. He immediately headed in the direction of the cries. When he reached the scene he saw a girl lying on the ground and a man trying to stick her skis in the snow in the shape of a cross.
‘What’s happening?’ shouted Desmond.
‘This girl has had an accident and I’m marking the spot with her skis,’ replied the man.
‘You stupid bugger,’ cried Desmond. ‘You’re supposed to take them off first!’
‘Oh, I’m so thrilled,’ cried the girl. ‘My husband has just broken the record for the Irish ski jump. Has your husband broken anything in skiing?’
‘He most certainly has,’ answered the second girl. ‘His collarbone, his right arm, both his legs and his left wrist!’
‘Hello, George,’ greeted David as he met his friend. ‘Were you on the piste this afternoon?’
‘Afraid not. Haven’t had a drink since last night,’ replied George.
A skier came off the jump and executed a long and graceful flight through the air, only to land slightly short of the leader.
‘Dammit!’ he snorted in anger. ‘If only I’d farted harder.’
‘Why didn’t your husband join us?’ asked one skier as Joan met up with the group.
‘Oh, when he heard it was a dry slope he didn’t want to come as he thought he wouldn’t get a drink,’ replied Joan.
The two bystanders watched as the world-famous cricketer, David Gower, completed the slalom course.
‘He’s not a bad skier,’ commented one man.
‘Not as good a skier as he is a cricketer,’ countered the second man.
‘Ah, but that’s a completely different ball game,’ defended the first man.
The girl very gingerly made her way to the nursery slope, taking her time to avoid a false move.
‘Good morning,’ said an instructor. ‘This is a new experience for you, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, indeed it is,’ replied the girl.
‘Would I be right in saying that this was your very first time to ski?’ asked the instructor.
‘You would be quite right,’ answered the girl. ‘How did you know it was my first time?’
‘You have your skis on back to front,’ smiled the instructor.
The two women met in the gift shop at a ski resort and one greeted the other. ‘Hello, Mary, I hear your husband had an accident and is in hospital.’
‘Yes, he went off pissed and took a tumble,’ replied the wife.
‘You mean “off-piste”?’
‘Oh no, I don’t.’
The two men were enjoying their first skiing holiday and even managed to get a little skiing between bouts of drinking. They had arranged to meet in the bar for a prelunch drink and one man had already downed a couple of drinks before his friend arrived.
‘What kept you?’ enquired the tippler. ‘You’re already two drinks behind.’
‘I was on that far run and some stupid bugger had stuck a lot of flags in the ground so I had to take them all out before I got going,’ replied his friend.
A prostitute went on a skiing holiday and was receiving her first lesson on the nursery slope. The instructor was showing her the stance
‘Be relaxed, feet slightly apart for good balance, weight evenly distributed on both skis, bending a little forward from the waist. That’s it, except for your legs, you’ll never get anywhere with your legs so far apart.’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ replied the prostitute. ‘I got on this holiday.’
The skier came off the jump and nose-dived into the ground, a tangle of arms, legs and skis.
‘Hell!’ said one skier standing at the ramp. ‘Look at that!’
‘Well,’ said another skier, ‘you shouldn’t have pushed him when he said he had vertigo.’
‘Vertigo!’ exclaimed the first skier. ‘Christ! I thought he said “Here we go”!’
‘Mummy, may I go skiing?’ asked the little girl.
‘No, you may not, it’s too dangerous,’ replied her mother.
‘But Daddy goes skiing,’ persisted the little girl.
‘Yes, but he’s insured.’
‘There’s one thing I like about skiing as a sport,’ observed the gentleman, fingering his MCC tie.
‘What’s that?’ asked his companion.
‘You’re never bothered by a confounded streaker spoiling a run,’ barked the gent.
A skier on his own on a cross-country run was travelling too fast when he realized he was heading for a gorge. In panic he drove his poles into the ground but only one pole took grip and he clung to it with both hands as he dangled over a 2,000-foot drop.
‘Help! Help!’ cried the terrified skier. ‘Is there anyone up there? Help! Help!’
Afraid to move too much in case he dislodged the pole, he could already feel the cold creeping into his body.
‘Help! Help!’ he shouted again. ‘Is there anyone up there?’
Suddenly a deep voice boomed across the sky, ‘You will be saved, my son, if you will do as I say.’
The skier looked up but saw nothing but sky.
Again the voice boomed. ‘Do as I say and you will be saved. Do you hear me?’
The now very cold skier answered, ‘Yes, I hear you and I will do as you say.’
‘Then let go of your ski pole and you will be saved,’ commanded the voice.
The skier looked down at the frightening drop then, looking up, cried, ‘Help! Help! Is there anyone ELSE up there?’
‘My dog can ski.’
‘He must be a very clever dog.’
‘Oh, I don’t know. He’s fine on the jump but he stops at every gate on the slalom.’
Sign outside gents’ toilet at a well-known ski resort:
PLEASE REMOVE SKIS BEFORE USING URINALS.
The two skiers were waiting for a T-bar lift and one remarked, ‘Does it worry you that you could get injured skiing?’
‘Not at all,’ replied his companion cheerfully. ‘Plenty of help available. There are usually more doctors on the slopes than in the hospitals.’
A bus-load of Irish tourists arrived in Aspen, Colorado, and the tour guide was telling them about the ski resort. ‘Some of the streets in Aspen have underground heating so they are clear at all times,’ she concluded.
‘It’s a pity they haven’t got underground heating up those mountains to get rid of all that bloody snow,’ remarked one tourist.
The man went into a shop selling sporting equipment and asked for a ski mask.
‘Yes, sir,’ said the assistant. ‘Will there be anything else? Gloves? Boots? Poles? Helmet?’
‘No, I don’t need anything else to hold up a bank,’ replied the man.
Skiing is like a career in politics. It takes you a long time to reach the top but you can come down in a few minutes.
The Englishman and the Irishman met on the nursery slope in a ski resort in Austria. ‘Hello, Paddy,’ greeted the Englishman. ‘I didn’t expect to meet you here. The last I heard from you was that you wanted to water ski.’
‘I did,’ replied Paddy, ‘but I couldn’t find a lake with a slope.’
‘I believe your husband had a nasty fall on your skiing holiday,’ said Anna to her friend Linda.
‘Indeed he did,’ replied Linda without much sympathy.
‘Did he fall off the jump or the run?’ asked Anna.
‘The barstool,’ came the curt reply.
The girl reached the end of the run and said to her instructor, ‘I love skiing. I could ski like this for ever.’
‘Oh,’ said the instructor, ‘you mean you don’t want to improve?’
The two women were having a little gossip about their hostess, who was out of the room.
‘She’s a very sporting type,’ said one. ‘Called her second son Ski because she’s so fond of skiing.’
