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‘Cameron and Jess have been through plenty already, I don’t think you can begrudge them this.’ In Kitty’s opinion, her sister and her brother-in-law had been through more than their fair share of physical and emotional stresses and she couldn’t see any reason why they should be expected to go through any additional stress if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.
‘Maybe you can’t, but at the end of it they’ll get a baby and what do I get? A girlfriend with stretch marks and leaking boobs.’
Kitty was pretty sure there was something she could take to stop the leaky boobs and who cared about a few stretch marks if she could give her sister the child she so desperately wanted. The addition that their family desperately needed.
But perhaps Mike had a point. They were supposed to be in a relationship, they were supposed to discuss big decisions like this, and that was exactly what she was trying to do, but if he wasn’t going to be reasonable, if he was going to behave like a spoilt brat—well, what did she expect? If she was honest, their relationship was usually about Mike and what he wanted. Their relationship was run on his terms.
Maybe it was time that changed.
* * *
Kitty pushed open the door of the Manly Pier Hotel and walked into the pub. After their discussion—Kitty refused to think of it as an argument—Mike had gone out for his regular monthly dinner with his friends from his med school days, and Kitty was relieved that he’d had a prior engagement. She didn’t want to continue their discussion all night, but she hadn’t wanted to sit at home on her own either. She needed to see a friendly face and she knew she’d find one in the pub that was a favourite among the staff from the North Sydney Hospital and other Manly Beach locals.
The DJ was warming up the crowd. Thursday nights were popular and the place was already busy. She scanned the room.
The crowd was dressed casually but expensively. Kitty hadn’t given her outfit a thought. She’d just needed to get out. She looked down at her clothes—jeans, an old T-shirt and canvas trainers. Luckily the dress code for women was never strict but at five feet four inches she felt like an untidy slip of a woman in a room full of glamourous shiny Amazons. She’d pulled her dark hair back into a messy ponytail, not even bothering to brush it, and she doubted any of the make-up she’d sparingly applied that morning was still clinging to her face but it was too late to worry about her looks now. Thankfully her friends and colleagues were unlikely to be done up to the nines. Anything smarter than hospital scrubs was deemed to be making an effort.
There were plenty of familiar faces in the pub and Kitty said hello to several people as she made her way through the room without pausing to chat for too long. There was one face in particular she was looking for and she didn’t want to waste time on other conversations. She wasn’t in a particularly sociable mood.
She skimmed over the DJ and looked past him out onto the deck that stretched into the harbour. The Manly ferry was docking at the quay, its lighted windows bright against the twilight sky, and silhouetted against the darkening sky was the person she was looking for.
Joe Harkness.
His broad-shouldered, six-foot frame stood a head above the bevy of women who surrounded him—no surprises there. His short, brown hair was expertly groomed to give him the I just stepped out of the shower look and he was laughing at someone’s comment. His blue eyes flashed as he laughed and the dimple in his chin only added to his appeal as the women eyed him adoringly. He had a beer in one hand and his other arm slung around the shoulders of one of the women. Again, no surprise. Her life may be a bit of a mess but she could always rely on Joe to be consistent. Happy, charming and gorgeous, he had a constant stream of women moving in and out of his life, there was never a shortage, and Kitty was grateful that he always seemed to have time for her. She didn’t want to be one of a string of girlfriends, she wanted to be just what she was—his closest friend.
They’d been friends for almost ten years since meeting on their first day at nursing college. Kitty had been straight out of high school, Joe a couple of years older, having taken a gap year or two before starting university. They’d finished nursing together but had ultimately ended up going in different directions career-wise. She worked in the emergency department at the North Sydney Hospital and Joe had continued his studies and was now an intensive care paramedic. He was based at the ambulance station attached to the hospital, but even if they hadn’t ended up in such close proximity Kitty knew they would still have remained friends. In her opinion, everyone needed a Joe in their life. Someone dependable and loyal. He understood her and he never judged her.
Kitty checked out the unfamiliar woman who was under Joe’s arm and wondered who she was. A new girlfriend or just a friend? She hoped it was a new girlfriend. She didn’t want Joe to have other female friends. Girlfriends never stayed in his life for long and she was happy to tolerate them. She didn’t need to worry about them taking her position as his favourite. She knew he was in no hurry to settle down. He’d told her as much often enough, and she selfishly hoped he meant it. His parents had hardly instilled faith in him about the joys of matrimony or the sanctity of marriage and that pleased Kitty. She didn’t want to share him, and she worried that a serious relationship might mean he wouldn’t have room for her in his life any more. She needed him and she couldn’t imagine not having him in her life.
Joe spotted her as she made her way towards him and he smiled and removed his arm from the woman’s shoulders as he stepped forward to greet Kitty. Seeing him so casually separate himself from the woman gave her a tiny ping of satisfaction. New girlfriend or not, she was still more important.
‘Hey, what are you doing here?’ His smile brought out the dimple in his chin even further and his blue eyes sparkled. ‘I thought you said you couldn’t make it,’ he said as he looked over her shoulder. She knew who he was looking for even as he asked, ‘Where’s Mike?’
‘Out.’
‘What’s going on?’
Kitty heard the concern in his voice and that was enough to get the tears to well up in her dark brown eyes but she wasn’t going to explain her circumstances in front of a complete stranger. She shuffled from foot to foot as Joe excused himself from the women around him. He looped his arm over Kitty’s shoulder. ‘Come on. It looks like you could use a drink.’ He shepherded her across the room as he continued to talk, giving her time and space to get her own thoughts together. ‘Does Mike know you’re here?’
‘No.’ She shook her head as she replied and dislodged two fat tears that spilled from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. She wiped them away with the back of her hand but she wasn’t fast enough to stop Joe from noticing.
‘What happened? He didn’t hit you, did he?’ Joe was looking at her carefully. She knew she looked like a mess. Her hair was dishevelled, her eyes red-rimmed and her face was pale. She looked like a woman who’d fled without bothering to brush her hair or grab anything but her handbag.
‘No! It’s nothing like that.’ She was appalled that he might think she’d be in an abusive relationship. She knew he’d seen plenty of domestic violence cases in his role as a paramedic. She’d seen more than her fair share presenting to Emergency as well—too many—and they’d convinced her that she would never stay in a physically abusive relationship.
But what about an emotionally abusive one? After the initial honeymoon period in her relationship with Mike she was beginning to wonder if things were changing. And not for the better.
‘We had an argument.’ She had to admit that was what it was.
‘Well, I’m sure it won’t be the last one.’
‘I think it could be,’ she admitted. ‘I think we might be over.’ It was a scary thought. Kitty didn’t like being on her own. In fact, she dreaded it and she knew her fear of being alone often caused her to persevere with relationships for longer than she should, but this disagreement with Mike was likely to be the beginning of the end of their relationship. She knew she couldn’t stay with him unless he changed his mind.
Early on in their relationship she’d loved the fact that he’d wanted to be her everything. She’d been adrift, lonely, she’d wanted someone to lean on, to make decisions for her, someone who wanted to be all she needed, but did he only want to love her on his terms? Did he even love her? He must know how big a decision this was for her, how she needed his support. If he really was going to push her on this issue then maybe it was time she stood her ground. Staying with him just because it was better than being alone wasn’t a good enough reason any more. Not when there could be so much at stake. If she didn’t offer to be a surrogate now, Jess and Cam might never get the baby they wanted.
Kitty wanted to be loved but on her terms.
She needed to move on from this relationship. She was stronger now. She could be on her own.
She could do this.
She wanted to do this.
And if this worked out she wouldn’t be alone. She’d be pregnant. You couldn’t be less alone when you were physically attached to another human. A baby would fill all the empty, lonely spots in her heart, satisfy her need to be loved and to have someone to love in return. A baby could be the answer to so many prayers and the solution to so many problems.
A baby was just what her family needed.
* * *
Joe struggled to keep the smile off his face as he guided Kitty to one end of the bar where the crowd was marginally thinner. Even though he’d never pretended to like the guy, he had tolerated Mike for Kitty’s sake, but he wasn’t going to pretend that he’d be unhappy to see him gone from her life.
He held up two fingers, indicating his order, and waited for the barman to pour two beers. ‘Talk to me,’ he said as he handed a drink to Kitty. He couldn’t imagine what had brought this about but whatever it was he was grateful.
Kitty took a long sip of her beer. Joe could see her hand shaking. He’d seen her agitated, upset and emotionally fragile before, but lately she’d seemed to be getting back on top of things. Her life, while certainly not without its dramas and tragedies in the past, had been on a fairly even keel for the past few months and he’d thought she was doing well.
‘Jess and Cam want to have a baby,’ Kitty said.
‘Is that possible?’ he asked. A couple of years ago Kitty’s sister had been diagnosed with uterine cancer and Joe knew she’d undergone chemotherapy, and he thought the surgeon had performed a total hysterectomy.
‘Not in the traditional sense,’ Kitty confirmed, ‘but Jess froze her eggs before her treatment and now they want to have a baby. They need a surrogate.’
‘What’s that got to do with you and Mike?’ He couldn’t see how or why this would affect Kitty and Mike’s relationship but as Kitty looked up at him he could see the answer in her eyes. ‘You?’
Kitty nodded.
‘You want to be their surrogate?’ The penny dropped. ‘And Mike wasn’t happy about the idea?’
‘He doesn’t want me having another man’s baby.’
Joe could understand that. If Kitty was his girlfriend, he might even feel the same way. But he wasn’t about to side with Mike. He didn’t particularly like the guy, and if Mike was prepared to give Kitty up over this issue then he definitely didn’t deserve her.
‘He doesn’t get that it’s not my baby. You know how important Jess is to me. She’s all I’ve got. I don’t even know if it’s possible to do this but if I can do this for them, I will. He can’t stop me.’
‘Did he try to?’
‘He just told me that if I intend to go ahead with this then he’s not going to stick around. I think he expects me to choose him but you know I can’t.’
‘You’ve left?’
‘Not yet,’ she replied. ‘We both need some time. I still need to talk to Jess, and I’m hoping Mike might change his mind once he’s had a chance to think it over, but if he doesn’t then I will make my choice.’
Joe couldn’t imagine Mike backing down. He was a surgeon and had the ego to go with his profession. Joe didn’t think he was madly in love with Kitty and he imagined Mike would see the surrogacy as an assault to his masculinity. He thought Kitty was going to be disappointed if she expected Mike to change his opinion.
‘What can I do?’ Joe asked. He would do anything for her. Always had. Always would.
‘I need a place to stay,’ she told him. ‘If I stay at Mike’s it will give him an opportunity to try to talk me out of this. I need a bit of space while I work out how to handle this, and I can’t stay with Jess. If she knew what had happened tonight she’d try and talk me out of my decision as well, and I’m doing this for me as much as for her and Cam. Can I stay at your place? On the couch would be fine, I don’t want to cramp your style.’
‘Of course.’ If all she needed from him was a place to stay while she got things sorted then that’s what he would give her. And if it meant Kitty went ahead with the idea and Mike ended the relationship Joe wasn’t going to pretend he didn’t like the sound of that. ‘And just for the record, I think it’s a fantastic gesture,’ he added. He would be as supportive as possible of this exercise.
‘Thank you. I knew you’d understand.’
Her brown eyes were still shiny with tears but at least they weren’t spilling over her cheeks any more, although she still looked as if she needed a hug. He opened his arms and she stepped into his embrace. He wrapped his arms around her, closed his eyes briefly and inhaled the familiar vanilla scent of her shampoo as he comforted her.
He hated seeing her upset and he would go to just about any lengths to protect her. He had friends, lots of them, but none of his friendships enjoyed the same closeness that he and Kitty shared. Both of them found something in their relationship that they didn’t get from anyone else. That sense of being understood without the need for explanation. He wasn’t close to his family and avoided serious romantic relationships, but his relationship with Kitty was proof that he was capable of sustaining a meaningful connection.
It proved to him that he wasn’t a complete emotional failure. That he could love someone and maintain a long-term relationship, even if it was platonic. He didn’t doubt he wasn’t cut out for marriage and commitment. He had no evidence that long-term monogamy was for him. His parents certainly hadn’t subscribed to that ideology, they’d had five marriages between them, and Joe himself knew he grew bored and irritated if any of his romantic relationships stretched past a few months.
Some of his friends were convinced that he just hadn’t met the perfect girl but Joe wasn’t sure she existed. Even perfection had a use-by date in his opinion. From what he’d seen, marriages ended in one of three ways—divorce, death or disinterest—and he didn’t see the point. But in the absence of other relationships his connection with Kitty became even more important, and he would do whatever was necessary to maintain it. He intended to always be there for her in a way that others hadn’t been.
‘But if you’re going to do this,’ he told her, ‘then you need a long-term plan. You need to make some decisions about the next few months, not just about tonight.’
‘I know,’ she sighed, ‘but right now, tonight is all I can manage.’
CHAPTER TWO (#uf3372faa-8d77-5a7b-8e83-76e0496ad695)
‘HOLY CRAP!’
Kitty was signing notes at the nurses’ station in the emergency department when the ED clerk’s exclamation interrupted her concentration. She looked up and saw Lisa’s eyes fixed on the wall-mounted television screen.
In the centre of the screen was a burning bus.
Orange flames leapt into the air from the rear and thick black smoke billowed around the vehicle and over several cars that had stopped haphazardly around it. In the background, Kitty could see a sandstone pylon and the heavy iron framework of the Harbour Bridge.
The time was fixed in the bottom right hand corner of the screen. Eight thirty-four a.m. Morning rush hour. This was happening in the middle of her city, a few kilometres from her hospital, and the images were being broadcast live from one of the news helicopters.
Kitty’s heart was racing. What was going on? Was it a bomb? In the middle of Sydney?
The volume was muted on the television but Kitty could read the words scrolling across the screen under the picture.
Bus goes up in flames.
Harbour Bridge closed.
Morning traffic disrupted.
Use alternative route.
Traffic had come to a standstill but there was no mention of what had caused the bus to catch fire.
Kitty couldn’t tear her eyes from the fiery disaster that was unfolding on the screen in front of her as the helicopter camera zoomed in on the chaos. People were out of their cars, doors left hanging open as they ran. Some ran towards the burning bus, others away. Kitty could see a man with a fire extinguisher aimed futilely at the flames as people stumbled from the bus. He was joined by another half-dozen men, all wearing hi-visibility vests and hard hats, and a couple were carrying additional fire extinguishers, but from what Kitty could see the extra hands were having no impact on the fire.
The live feed widened to show the emergency vehicles, the ambulances and fire engines, their red and blue lights absorbed by the thick cloud of black smoke as they weaved their way through the stationary cars on the bridge.
The images from the helicopter cut out and were replaced by a reporter standing on the bridge, a microphone held up to her mouth and the burning bus behind her. How the hell had she got through the traffic and the chaos? Sitting on the ground around her were several people who looked dazed and shocked. Some were coughing and Kitty wondered if they were passengers from the bus.
Lisa grabbed the remote and pressed a button, increasing the volume until they could hear the reporter’s commentary.
‘...on the Harbour Bridge, where a city-bound commuter bus has gone up in flames near the northern end. Witnesses say twenty to thirty passengers have been evacuated but there may still be people trapped inside the bus...’
Kitty didn’t want to see the reporter. She wanted the camera to go back to the accident—she was looking for Joe. But the reporter continued to talk.
‘There is no word yet on what caused the fire. Commuters say there was a loud explosion, and you can see behind me that the windows of the bus have all been blown out.’
The camera panned to the bus, zooming in on the accident, and Kitty searched the scene.
‘The heat is intense, the sky is thick with black smoke and there is a terrible odour in the air. Paramedics are treating victims for smoke inhalation as firefighters try to get the blaze under control.’
Kitty’s eyes flicked from one paramedic to another, from one blue uniform to the next, but she couldn’t see Joe. She knew he was working this morning and that crews from the station at the North Sydney Hospital would be some of the closest to the scene. Maybe he was on another call-out? As long as he was safe, she thought—just as she saw a familiar shape at the side of the screen. Smoke was obscuring the image, but she recognised the way he moved.
Joe.
He was running straight at the bus. Her eyes followed his path as he came further into view in the centre of the television screen. There was a man standing in the doorway of the bus, his back to Joe. He was bent over, and he looked like he was struggling with something. Kitty realised he was dragging someone from the bus. And then Joe was there, followed by two other paramedics.
The standing man stepped out of the way as the paramedics threw a blanket over the man who lay in the doorway before lifting him from the bus and putting him on a stretcher.
Kitty could see the other man swaying as he stood next to the bus. Just when he looked as if he was about to collapse Joe caught him and laid him on the ground.
The camera panned out again and the reporter was in the foreground of the shot, blocking Kitty’s view. She could see the man lying on the ground but she couldn’t see Joe. He wouldn’t have gone into the bus, would he? Surely not? That would be the firefighters’ job. But was he far enough away? What if there was another explosion?
‘Firefighters are struggling to douse the flames engulfing a city-bound bus on the Harbour Bridge,’ the reporter repeated. ‘All lanes on the bridge are closed until the danger is contained. It appears that the bus has now been evacuated with reports that two men, the driver and a passenger, are being treated for burns, but there are no reports of any fatalities at this stage and still no information as to the cause of the fire.’
There was an increase in activity in the background and finally the camera cut away from the reporter and back to the bus. Kitty could see ambulances, their doors open and lights flashing as the picture showed someone being loaded in through the back doors of one of them.
And there was Joe. Back in view. She couldn’t see his face but she didn’t need to. He was instantly recognisable. It was more than the width of his shoulders and the shape of his head. It was the way he moved. Purposeful, composed. Unflappable, measured. Despite the chaos of his surroundings he projected calmness. He always seemed to know what he was doing. Not like her. So often she felt completely lost unless he was there to anchor her. Joe had been there for her in the toughest of times, but he’d never seemed to need her in the same way.
He was leaning over one of the victims, but he looked awfully close to the burning bus. Too close. Kitty’s heart was still racing. She was trapped in a terrible feeling of helplessness. What if something happened to him?
She tried to push that thought aside as she saw him loading his patient onto the stretcher. She couldn’t bear to think of something happening to Joe. He was a constant, solid, reassuring presence, the calm through so many of her storms, and she couldn’t imagine her life without him in it. She turned away from the television as Joe disappeared from the screen, willing him to hurry before anything else could go wrong.
He would be on his way to her now. She knew he would be coming to her hospital. She needed to see him, to reassure herself he was OK.
Lisa muted the television as Kitty brought her focus back to the task at hand. The ambulances would be arriving soon. They needed to be ready. The paramedics would be turning around and bringing the injured to the North Sydney Hospital. They might not be the closest but they were on the right side of the bridge, on the same side of the harbour. They would be the most easily accessible emergency department, and they had a burns unit. Time was of the essence, especially for burns victims.
Kitty grabbed aprons and left Lisa to deal with the patients waiting for attention. She would have to explain to them that there was a bigger emergency that had to be dealt with before they could be seen.
Davina, the charge nurse, was assembling her troops and assigning them to teams. Kitty saw Mike arrive, tying his apron over his scrubs. She hadn’t seen him since she’d walked out three days ago. Hadn’t worked with him, hadn’t taken his calls. She’d replied to his messages but that had been all she’d been capable of. She hadn’t felt ready for another discussion that would more than likely end in another argument. She needed to have her argument prepared.
She breathed a sigh of relief when she wasn’t assigned to Mike’s team. She had no idea if that had been deliberate on Davina’s part, she didn’t think anyone knew about what was going on, but she was grateful. She needed to focus and she didn’t need the distraction of worrying about what Mike may or may not be thinking.
