Head of the Firm

‘Erm, you lie. Like us normal people do.’

‘I’ve never been able to keep stuff from him. You know that. It’s like he knows what we’re thinking or something.’

Paul shook his head as he lit the end of his joint. ‘What if he tells Grace, and she tells Jake? Do you have any idea what you’ve done? You’ve launched a hand grenade right into the middle of our family. You’re a fucking idiot, Bro. You need to let this Isla thing go. She’s Jake’s kid. Go and have some kids of your own to fuck up.’

After Paul took a long drag, he passed the joint to Connor. Taking it from him, Connor started to laugh. ‘You’ve got a fucking cheek calling me an idiot when you’re still fucking around with Jake.’

‘Yep, I know,’ he said as he blew out a long stream of smoke. ‘We’re a pair of lost causes, mate.’

‘Good job we’ve got each other then.’

A knock at the door put an abrupt end to their conversation. ‘That’ll be Jake,’ Paul said as he stood up.

‘Yeah, so no more deep and meaningful stuff, eh, you big fairy?’

Paul stuck two fingers up at him as he headed for the front door.

Chapter Seventeen

Paul stretched his arms above his head and yawned. Looking at the clock he saw it was only just after midnight, but weed always made him tired.

‘I am absolutely fucked, lads.’ He said to Connor and Jake, who were looking equally worse for wear on his couch.

‘Yeah. It’s been a long day.’ Connor nodded, sleepily. The copious amount of weed they’d all smoked that evening had made them more relaxed than usual.

‘I’m getting off,’ Connor said as he stood up and almost stumbled over.

Paul laughed. ‘You’re fucking wasted, Con. Good job you only live down the hall.’

‘I know,’ Connor giggled and soon the twins were doubled over with laughter, each of them almost unable to breathe.

Jake smiled at them but didn’t join in with the laughter. Weed usually made him feel thoughtful and melancholy, whereas it turned the twins into a pair of laughing clowns.

‘Right, I’m off. Night, lads,’ Connor said when he’d finally regained his senses.

‘Night, Bro,’ Paul said.

‘Night, mate,’ Jake added.

Once Connor had left, Paul and Jake sat in silence for a moment. Paul took a swig of beer and was about to turn off the television when Jake spoke.

‘I can’t do this any more, Paul,’ he said.

‘Do what, mate?’ Paul said with a frown. ‘Get stoned?’

‘Don’t be fucking soft,’ Jake snapped, seemingly annoyed that Paul couldn’t read his mind. ‘Do this. Live this double life. Keep seeing you and be married to Siobhan.’

‘So, what are you going to do then?’

‘I should leave her, shouldn’t I?’ Jake said.

Suddenly, Paul felt much more sober. ‘Well, only you can decide that, mate.’

‘I think I have to. I just can’t do it any more.’ Jake’s eyes filled with tears.

‘Fucking hell, Jake,’ Paul said as he shook his head. ‘Are you sure?’

‘One hundred per cent. I can’t keep lying to her, Paul. I can’t keep lying to myself. Most nights I dread going home. If it wasn’t for Isla, I wouldn’t. And then when I get home, Siobhan’s there waiting for me. Waiting for something that I can’t give her. It’s fucking exhausting. And it’s killing me.’

‘Well, I wasn’t expecting you to say that, mate,’ Paul said as he ran a hand through his hair.

‘I’m not expecting anything from you,’ Jake said defensively.

Paul stood up and crossed the room to sit next to Jake on the couch. ‘I never said you were, lad. But are you really sure you want to do this? Once you tell her, there’s no going back.’

Jake shrugged. ‘I don’t even know if I can. Maybe it’s the weed talking?’

‘Why don’t you sleep on it and decide what to do in the morning?’

‘Yeah. Sounds like a plan. I’ll go home in the morning when my head’s a bit clearer.’

‘Are you going to stay the night then?’ Paul asked.

‘Yeah.’

Paul didn’t say anything further, but instead took Jake’s hand and pulled him up from the couch before heading to the bedroom.

Jake opened the front door of his house and prayed that Siobhan and Isla were still asleep. It wasn’t quite seven o’clock, which was when they usually got up. He could sneak into the living room and pretend he’d slept on the couch.

Stepping into the house, he heard Isla’s laughter and groaned inwardly. He tiptoed down the hallway but it was too late: just as he reached the stairs, Isla and Siobhan came out of the kitchen, Siobhan carrying two bowls of cereal, and Isla her favourite teddy bear.

‘Jake!’ Siobhan said sharply, but not so much that it would startle Isla. ‘Where have you been?’

‘I had too much to drink and stayed at Paul’s, babe,’ he said sheepishly. Although he’d decided that he needed to leave Siobhan, he didn’t know when, or indeed if, he’d muster the courage to do it. He’d talked it over with Paul before he left and decided it was something that he’d have to build himself up for. He might give it a few weeks and see if he was ready to tell her. But not today.

‘Paul’s?’ Siobhan snapped at him.

‘Yeah. I slept on his couch,’ he found himself saying, adding to his statement unnecessarily. Because in his mind, as far as Siobhan was concerned, where else would he have slept?

‘Toons, Daddy,’ Isla squealed, interrupting them both, as she held her arms out for Jake to pick her up. He responded to her request, picking her up and cuddling her to him, relieved to have her between him and Siobhan’s icy stare.

‘Toons, Daddy!’ she said again, reminding him that she wanted to watch the cartoons.

‘Okay. Okay.’ He laughed as he gave her a kiss on the cheek. ‘Cartoons for my Isla,’ then he turned from Siobhan and walked away, chatting to Isla and making her giggle with delight, while Siobhan followed dutifully behind.

Chapter Eighteen

Siobhan was just getting out of the bath when she heard the vibration of her mobile phone on her dressing table. Wrapping a towel around herself, she walked into the bedroom to answer it. As she glanced at the screen she saw a number she didn’t recognise, but answered anyway in case it was Jake, who occasionally used a burner phone.

‘Hello?’ Siobhan said.

‘Siobhan! I’m so glad you’ve kept the same number,’ a familiar female voice replied.

‘Jenny? Is that you?’ Siobhan asked as a smile started to spread across her face. ‘It’s so lovely to hear from you.’

Jenny Lyon had been one of Siobhan’s best friends all through high school and college. After college she’d gone to New York to work in her uncle’s law firm. The two women had kept in touch for a while, then life had got in the way and they hadn’t spoken for over a year, since before Isla was born.

‘How is married life? How is your baby girl? I saw some photos of her on Instagram. She’s beautiful,’ Jenny said.

‘Married life is great,’ Siobhan lied. ‘And Isla is amazing. But tell me about you. Are you still living it up in New York?’

‘No, I’m home. I came back last week. New York was amazing, but I missed Liverpool too much. I’m a home bird at heart, I suppose, and I don’t think I’m cut out for being a paralegal if I’m honest.’

‘Oh, wow! I can’t believe you’re back,’ Siobhan said as she sat down on the bed.

‘Well, I definitely am,’ Jenny said with a laugh. ‘And I’ve really missed you, Vaunie. I’m so sorry I was crap at keeping in touch, but the working hours over there were crazy.’

‘Don’t worry about it. I missed you too,’ she replied as she swallowed the lump in her throat.

‘How about meeting up soon then? It would be good to see Jake too, and meet that gorgeous daughter of yours.’

‘Yes, that would be lovely. Although Jake’s super busy. Maybe we could go out, just the two of us? Have some cocktails.’

‘Ooh, drinks and dancing. That sounds like a much better idea,’ Jenny giggled. ‘When and where?’

‘I’ll need to sort a babysitter, and check with Jake. But soon. Very soon.’

‘Sounds like a plan then. Oh, it’s so good to hear your voice, Vaunie,’ she replied. ‘Look, I’ll have to run, Mum and Dad are taking me out for a Chinese. But we’ll speak soon, okay? Let me know when you can get out. I’m footloose and fancy free so I can do any night.’

‘I will do. Bye, Jen.’

‘Bye, Vaunie.’

Siobhan placed her phone on the bedside table and smiled as a tear rolled down her cheek. Jenny had been a good friend to her over the years. They’d gone through all of their teenage dramas and heartbreaks together and had mended many a broken heart over a bottle of wine or vodka stolen from Jenny’s parents’ well-stocked kitchen. It was a shame that they’d drifted so far apart and hadn’t spoken for so long. Speaking to Jenny had reminded Siobhan that she wasn’t just Jake’s wife, or Isla’s mum. She was Vaunie too – a funny, kick-ass woman, who had once literally drunk the student union dry of tequila. She’d been hiding away for too long, letting go of good friends like Jenny. Trying to be the perfect wife, while her husband was decidedly imperfect. She thought about how much she’d changed in the recent years and how naïve she’d been to think that getting pregnant would change Jake and who he was. She had never wanted to accept that he was gay. There was a time he had been attracted to her too, and she had convinced herself that he must like both men and women. But she had made a huge mistake in pressuring him to marry her. Perhaps she should have told him the truth about her and Connor, and the possibility that Isla was Connor’s child? That was a thought that Siobhan never gave much headspace to, mostly because she tried to forget that she and Connor had ever happened. It had been a stupid, reckless mistake and one she never cared to repeat. She didn’t regret for a minute having Isla though, even though she did feel incredibly alone as a new mum. Well, now she knew she wasn’t alone. She had friends, and family, who loved her and saw her for who she really was.

Maybe there was still a chance to remind her husband of that too?

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