The Colloquies of Erasmus, Volume I

Ch. Among the Learned they are call'd Umbræ, who being uninvited, bear another Person, that is invited, Company to a Feast.

Pe. Well, bring such Ghosts along with you as many as you will.

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I promise upon this Condition.

Ch. Well, I will come, but upon this Condition, that you shall come to Supper with me the next Day. I will do it upon this Condition that you shall be my Guest afterwards. Upon that Condition I promise to come to Supper, that you again shall be my Guest. I promise I will, but upon these Terms, that you in the like Manner shall be my Guest the next Day. I promise I will, I give you my Word I will, upon this Consideration, that you dine with me the next Day.

Pe. Come on, let it be done, let it be so. It shall be as you would have it. If you command me, I'll do it. I know the French Ambition, You won't sup with me, but you'll make me Amends for it. And so by this Means Feasts use to go round. From hence it comes to pass, that it is a long Time before we have done feasting one with another. By this Interchangeableness Feasts become reciprocal without End.

Ch. It is the pleasantest Way of Living in the World, if no more Provision be made, but what is used to be made daily. But, I detain you, it may be, when you are going some whither.

Pe. Nay, I believe, I do you. But we'll talk more largely and more freely to Morrow. But we'll divert ourselves to Morrow more plentifully. In the mean Time take Care of your Health. In the mean Time take Care to keep yourself in good Health. Farewell till then.

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Whither are you going? The Form.

Ch. Where are you a going now? Whither are you going so fast? Where are you a going in such great Haste. Whither go you? What's your Way?

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I go Home. The Form.

Pe. I go Home. I return Home. I go to see what they are a doing at Home. I go to call a Doctor. I am going into the Country. I made an Appointment just at this Time to go to speak with a certain great Man. I made an Appointment to meet a great Man at this Time.

Ch. Whom?

Pe. Talkative Curio.

Ch. I wish you Mercury's Assistance.

Pe. What need of Mercury's Assistance?

Ch. Because you have to do with a Man of Words.

Pe. Then it were more proper to wish the Assistance of the Goddess Memoria.

Ch. Why so?

Pe. Because you'll have more Occasion for patient Ears, than a strenuous Tongue. And the Ear is dedicated to the Goddess Memoria.

Ch. Whither are you going? Whither will you go?

Pe. This Way, to the left Hand. This Way, that Way, through the Market.

Ch. Then I'll bear you Company as far as the next Turning.

Pe. I won't let you go about. You shan't put yourself to so much Trouble on my Account. Save that Trouble till it shall be of Use, it is altogether unnecessary at this Time. Don't go out of your Way upon my Account.

Ch. I reckon I save my Time while I enjoy the Company of so good a Friend. I have nothing else to do, and I am not so lazy, if my Company won't be troublesome.

Pe. No Body is a more pleasant Companion. But I won't suffer you to go on my left Hand. I won't let you walk on my left Hand. Here I bid God be with you. I shall not bear you Company any longer. You shan't go further with me.

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A Form of Recommending.

Ch. Recommend me kindly to Curio. Recommend me as kindly as may be to talkative Curio. Take Care to recommend me heartily to Curio. I desire you have me recommended to him. I recommend myself to him by you. I recommend myself to you again and again. I recommend myself to your Favour with all the Earnestness possible. Leave recommendo instead of commendo to Barbarians. See that you don't be sparing of your Speech with one that is full of Tongue. See that you be not of few Words with him that is a Man of many Words.

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A Form of Obsequiousness.

Pe. Would you have me obey you? Would you have me be obedient? Shall I obey you? Then you command me to imitate you. Since you would have it so, I'll do it with all my Heart. Don't hinder me any longer; don't let us hinder one another.

Ch. But before you go, I intreat you not to think much to teach me how I must use these Sentences, in morâ, in causâ, in culpâ; you use to be studious of Elegancy. Wherefore come on, I entreat you teach me; explain it to me, I love you dearly.

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In Culpâ, In Causâ, In Morâ.

Pe. I must do as you would have me. The Fault is not in me. It is not in thee. The Delay is in thee. Thou art the Cause, is indeed grammatically spoken; these are more elegant.

In Culpâ.

I am not in the Fault. The Fault is not mine. I am without Fault. Your Idleness has been the Cause, that you have made no Proficiency, not your Master nor your Father. You are all in Fault. You are both in Fault. You are both to be blam'd. Ye are both to be accus'd. You have gotten this Distemper by your own ill Management. In like Manner they are said to be in vitio, to whom the Fault is to be imputed; and in crimine, they who are to be blam'd; and in damno, who are Losers. This sort of Phrase is not to be inverted commonly; Damnum in illo est. Vitium in illo est.

* * * * *

In Causâ.

Sickness has been the Occasion that I have not written to you. My Affairs have been the Cause that I have written to you so seldom, and not Neglect. What was the Cause? What Cause was there? I was not the Cause. The Post-Man was in the Fault that you have had no Letters from me. Love and not Study is the Cause of your being so lean. This is the Cause.

In Morâ.

I won't hinder you. What has hinder'd you? You have hindred us. You are always a Hindrance. What hindred you? Who has hindred you? You have what you ask'd for. It is your Duty to remember it. You have the Reward of your Respect. Farewell, my Christian.

Ch. And fare you well till to Morrow, my Peter.

* * * * *

At Meeting.

CHRISTIAN, AUSTIN.

Ch. God save you heartily, sweet Austin.

Au. I wish the same to you, most kind Christian. Good Morrow to you. I wish you a good Day; but how do you do?

Ch. Very well as Things go, and I wish you what you wish for.

Au. I love you deservedly. I love thee. Thou deservest to be lov'd heartily. Thou speakest kindly. Thou art courteous. I give thee Thanks.

* * * * *

I am angry with thee. The Form.

Ch. But I am something angry with you. But I am a little angry with you. But I am a little provok'd at you. I have something to be angry with you for.

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For what Cause. The Form.

Au. I pray what is it? Why so? But why, I beseech you? What Crime have I committed? What have I done? Promereor bona, I deserve Good; Commereor mala, I deserve Ill, or Punishment: The one is used in a good Sense, and the other in an ill. Demeremur eum, is said of him that we have attach'd to us by Kindness.

* * * * *

Because you don't Regard me.

Ch. Because you take no Care of me. Because you don't regard me. Because you come to see us so seldom. Because you wholly neglect us. Because you quite neglect me. Because you seem to have cast off all Care of us.

Au. But there is no Cause for you to be angry. But you are angry without my Desert, and undeservedly; for it has not been my Fault, that I have come to see you but seldom: Forgive my Hurry of Business that has hindered me from seeing you, as often as I would have done.

Ch. I will pardon you upon this Condition, if you'll come to Supper with me to Night. I'll quit you upon that Condition, if you come to Supper with me in the Evening.

Au. Christian, you prescribe no hard Articles of Peace, and therefore I'll come with all my Heart. Indeed I will do it willingly. Indeed I would do that with all Readiness in the World. I shan't do that unwillingly. I won't want much Courting to that. There is nothing in the World that I would do with more Readiness. I will do it with a willing Mind.

Ch. I commend your obliging Temper in this, and in all other Things.

Au. I use always to be thus obsequious to my Friends, especially when they require nothing but what's reasonable. O ridiculous! Do you think I would refuse when offer'd me, that which I should have ask'd for of my own Accord?

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Don't deceive me. The Form.

Ch. Well, but take Care you don't delude me. See you don't deceive me. Take Care you don't make me feed a vain Hope. See you don't fail my Expectation. See you don't disappoint me. See you don't lull me on with a vain Hope.

Au. There is no Need to swear. In other Things, in other Matters you may be afraid of Perfidy. In this I won't deceive you. But hark you, see that you provide nothing but what you do daily: I would have no holy Day made upon my Account. You know that I am a Guest that am no great Trencher Man, but a very merry Man.

Ch. I'll be sure to take Care. I will entertain you with Scholars Commons, if not with slenderer Fare.

Au. Nay, if you'd please me, let it be with Diogenes's Fare.

Ch. You may depend upon it, I will treat you with a Platonick Supper, in which you shall have a great many learned Stories, and but a little Meat, the Pleasure of which shall last till the next Day: whereas they that have been nobly entertain'd, enjoy perhaps a little Pleasure that Day, but the next are troubled with the Head-ach, and Sickness at the Stomach. He that supp'd with Plato, had one Pleasure from the easy Preparation, and Philosopher's Stories; and another the next Day, that his Head did not ach, and that his Stomach was not sick, and so had a good Dinner of the sauce of last Night's Supper.

Au. I like it very well, let it be as you have said.

Ch. Do you see that you leave all your Cares and melancholy Airs at Home, and bring nothing hither but Jokes and Merriment; and as Juvenal says, _Protenus ante meum, quicquid dolet, exue limen.

Lay all that troubles you down before my Door, before you come into it._

Au. What? Would you have me bring no Learning along with me? I will bring my Muses with me, unless you think it not convenient.

Ch. Shut up your ill-natured Muses at Home with your Business, but bring your good-natured Muses, all your witty Jests, your By-words, your Banters, your Pleasantries, your pretty Sayings, and all your Ridiculosities along with you.

Au. I'll do as you bid me; put on all my best Looks. We'll be merry Fellows. We'll laugh our Bellies full. We'll make much of ourselves. We'll feast jovially. We'll play the Epicureans. We'll set a good Face on't, and be boon Blades. These are fine Phrases of clownish Fellows that have a peculiar Way of speaking to themselves.

Ch. Where are you going so fast?

Au. To my Son's in Law.

Ch. What do you do there? Why thither? What do you with him?

Au. I hear there is Disturbance among them; I am going to make them Friends again, to bring them to an Agreement; to make Peace among them.

Ch. You do very well, though I believe they don't want you; for they will make the Matter up better among themselves.

Au. Perhaps there is a Cessation of Arms, and the Peace is to be concluded at Night. But have you any Thing else to say to me?

Ch. I will send my Boy to call you.

Au. When you please. I shall be at Home. Farewell.

Ch. I wish you well. See that you be here by five a-Clock. Soho Peter, call Austin to Supper, who you know promised to come to Supper with me to Day.

Pe. Soho! Poet, God bless you, Supper has been ready this good While, and my Master stays for you at Home, you may come when you will.

Au. I come this Minute.

THE PROFANE FEAST

The ARGUMENT

Our Erasmus most elegantly proposes all the Furniture of this Feast; the Discourses and Behaviour of the Entertainer and the Guests, &c. Water and a Bason before Dinner. The Stoics, the Epicureans; the Form of the Grace at Table. It is good Wine that pleases four Senses. Why Bacchus is the Poets God; why he is painted a Boy. Mutton very wholsome. That a Man does not live by Bread and Wine only. Sleep makes some Persons fat. Venison is dear. Concerning Deers, Hares, and Geese: They of old defended the Capitol at Rome. Of Cocks, Capons and Fishes. Here is discoursed of by the by, Fasting. Of the Choice of Meats. Some Persons Superstition in that Matter. The Cruelty of those Persons that require these Things of those Persons they are hurtful to; when the eating of Fish is neither necessary, nor commanded by Christ. The eating of Fish is condemned by Physicians. The chief Luxury of old Time consisted in Fishes. We should always live a sober Life. What Number of Guests there should be at an Entertainment. The Bill of Fare of the second Course. The Magnificence of the French. The ancient Law of Feasts. Either drink, or begone. A Variation of Phrases. Thanksgiving after Meat.

AUSTIN, CHRISTIAN, a BOY.

Au. O, my Christian, God bless you.

Ch. It is very well that you are come. I am glad you're come. I congratulate myself that you are come. I believe it has not struck five yet.

Boy. Yes, it is a good While past five. It is not far from six. It is almost six. You'll hear it strike six presently.

Au. It is no great Matter whether I come before five or after five, as long as I am not come after Supper; for that is a miserable Thing, to come after a Feast is over. What's all this great Preparation for? What means all this Provision? What, do you think I'm a Wolf? Do you take me for a Wolf? Do you think I'm a Vulture?

Ch. Not a Vulture, nor yet do I think you a Grashopper, to live upon Dew. Here is nothing of Extravagancy, I always lov'd Neatness, and abhor Slovenliness. I am for being neither luxurious nor niggardly. We had better leave than lack. If I dress'd but one Dish of Peas, and the Soot should chance to fall in the Pot and spoil it, what should we have to eat then? Nor does every Body love one Thing; therefore I love a moderate Variety.

Au. An't you afraid of the sumptuary Laws?

Ch. Nay, I most commonly offend on the contrary Side. There is no need of the Fannian Law at our House. The Slenderness of my Income teaches me Frugality sufficiently.

Au. This is contrary to our Agreement. You promised me quite otherwise.

Ch. Well, Mr. Fool, you don't stand to your Agreement. For it was agreed upon that you should bring nothing but merry Tales. But let us have done with these Matters, and wash, and sit down to Supper. Soho, Boy, bring a little Water and a Bason; hang a Towel over your Shoulder, pour out some Water. What do you loiter for? Wash, Austin.

Au. Do you wash first.

Ch. Pray excuse me. I had rather eat my Supper with unwashen Hands this twelve Months.

Au. O ridiculous! 'Tis not he that is the most honourable, but he that is the dirtiest that should wash first; then do you wash as the dirtiest.

Ch. You are too complaisant. You are more complaisant than enough; than is fitting. But to what Purpose is all this Ceremony? Let us leave these trifling Ceremonies to Women, they are quite kick'd out of the Court already, although they came from thence at first. Wash three or four at a Time. Don't let us spend the Time in these Delays. I won't place any Body, let every one take what Place he likes best. He that loves to sit by the Fire, will sit best here. He that can't bear the Light let him take this Corner. He that loves to look about him, let him sit here. Come, here has been Delays enough. Sit down. I am at Home, I'll take my Supper standing, or walking about, which I like best. Why don't you sit down, Supper will be spoiled.

Au. Now let us enjoy ourselves, and eat heartily. Now let us be Epicures. We have nothing to do with Superciliousness. Farewell Care, let all Ill-will and Detraction be banished. Let us be merry, pleasant, and facetious.

Ch. Austin, pray who are those Stoics and Epicures?

Au. The Stoics are a certain melancholy, rigid, parcimonious Sect of Philosophers, who make the Summum bonum of Mankind, to consist in a certain, I can't tell what, honestum. The Epicures are the Reverse of these, and they make the Felicity of a Man to consist in Pleasure.

Ch. Pray what Sect are you of, a Stoic or an Epicure?

Au. I recommend Zeno's Rules; but I follow Epicurus's Practice.

Ch. Austin, what you speak in Jest, a great many do in Earnest, and are only Philosophers by their Cloaks and Beards.

Au. Nay, indeed they out-live the Asots in Luxury.

Ch. Dromo, come hither. Do your Office, say Grace.

Boy. "May he that feeds all Things by his Bounty, command his Blessing upon what is or shall be set upon this Table. Amen."

Ch. Set the Victuals on the Table. Why do we delay to eat up this Capon? Why are we afraid to carve this Cock?

Au. I'll be Hercules, and slay this Beast. Which had you rather have, a Wing or a Leg?

Ch. Which you will, I don't matter which.

Au. In this Sort of Fowls the Wing is look'd upon the best; in other Fowls the Leg is commonly esteemed the greater dainty Bit.

Ch. I put you to a great Deal of Trouble. You take a great Deal of Trouble upon you, upon my Account. You help every Body else, and eat nothing yourself. I'll help you to this Wing; but upon this Condition, that you shall give me Half of it back.

Au. Say you so, that is serving yourself and not me; keep it for yourself. I am not so bashful as to want any Body to help me.

Ch. You do very well.

Au. Do you carve for a Wolf? Have you invited a Vulture?

Ch. You fast. You don't eat.

Au. I eat more than any Body.

Ch. Nay, rather, you lye more than any Body. Pray be as free as if you were at your own House.

Au. I take myself to be there. I do so. I am resolv'd so to do. I design to do so.

Ch. How does this Wine please you? Does this Wine please your Palate?

Au. Indeed it pleases me very well. Indeed it pleases mightily. It pleases me well enough. It pleases me very well.

Ch. Which had you rather have, Red or White?

It is no Matter what Colour it is.

Au. Indeed I like both alike. It is no Matter what Colour 'tis, so the Taste be pleasing. I don't much mind how the Wine pleases the Eye, so it do but please the Palate. I an't much mov'd at the Sight of it, if the Taste be but grateful. It is no great Matter what Colour it is of, or what Colour it has, if it does but taste well. I don't desire to please my Eyes if I can but please my Taste. If it do but please the Palate, I don't regard the Colour, if it be well relish'd.

Ch. I believe so: But there are some Persons that are mighty deeply read in Table Philosophy, who deny that the Wine can be good, unless it pleases four Senses: The Eye, with its Colour; the Nose, with its Smell; the Palate, with its Taste; the Ears, by its Fame and Name.

Au. O ridiculous! What signifies Fame to Drink?

Ch. As much as many that have a good Palate mightily approve of Lovain Wine, when they believe it to be Bern Wine.

Au. It may be, they had spoiled their Palate by much Drinking.

Ch. No, before they had drank one Drop. But I have a Mind to hear your Opinion, who are a Man of great Skill in these Matters.

Au. Our Countrymen prefer White before Red, because the Red is a little more upon the Acid, and the White a smaller Wine; but that is the milder, and in my Opinion the more wholsome.

Ch. We have a pale red Wine, and a yellow Wine, and a purple Colour Wine. This is new Wine, this Year's Wine. This is two Years old, if any Body is for an old Wine. We have some four Years old, but it is grown flat and dead with Age. The Strength is gone with Age.

Au. Why, you're as rich as Lucullus.

Ch. Soho, Boy, where are you a loitering? You give us no Attendance; don't you see we have no Wine here? What if a Fire should happen now? How should we put it out? Give every one a full Glass. Austin, What's the matter that you are not merry? What makes you sit so Melancholy? What's the Matter with you, that you an't chearful? You are either troubled at something, or you're making Verses. You play the Crysippus now, you want a Melissa to feed you.

Au. What Story is this you are telling me of?

Ch. Crysippus is reported to have been so intent upon his logical Subtilties, that he would have been starved at Table, unless his Maid Melissa had put the Meat into his Mouth.

Au. He did not deserve to have his Life sav'd; but if Silence is an Offence to you, and you love a noisy Feast, you have gotten that will make one.

Ch. I remember I have. That's very well minded: We must drink more freely, we ought to drink more largely, more Wine and less Water.

You have hit on the Matter.

Au. You have hit the Nail on the Head. You are in the Right. You have hit the Mark. For, Foecundi calices quem non fecere disertum?

Ch. That is very learnedly spoken, Austin, and so indeed is all that comes from you; but since we are fallen into a Discourse concerning Wine, since we have happen'd to make mention of Wine, I have a mind to ask you, for what Reason the Ancients, who will have Bacchus the Inventor of Wine, call him the God of the Poets? What has that drunken God to do with Poets, who are the Votaries of the Virgin Muses?

Au. By Bacchus, this is a Question fit to be put over a Bottle. But I see very well, what your Question drives at.

Ch. What, prithee?

Au. You very cunningly put a Question about Wine, by a French Trick, which I believe you learn'd at Paris, that you may save your Wine by that Means. Ah, go your Way, I see you're a Sophister; you have made a good Proficiency in that School.

Ch. Well, I take all your Jokes; I'll return the like to you, when Opportunity shall offer. But to the Matter in Hand.

Au. I'll go on, but I'll drink first, for it is absurd to dispute about a tippling Question with a dry Throat. Here's to you Christian. Half this Cup to you.

Ch. I thank you kindly. God bless it to you, much good may it do you.

Au. Now I'm ready, at your Service. I'll do it as well as I can after my Manner. That they have given a Boy's Face to Bacchus, has this Mystery in it; that Wine being drank, takes away Cares and Vexations from our Minds, and adds a Sort of a Chearfulness to them. And for this Reason, it adds a Sort of Youthfulness even to old Men, in that it makes them more chearful, and of a better Complexion. The same thing Horace in many Places, and particularly testifies in these Verses:

      Ad mare cum veni, generosum et lene requiro,      Quod curas abigat, quod cum spe divite manet.      In venas, animumque meum, quod verba ministret.      Quod me Lucanoe juvenem commendet amicæ.

For that they have assign'd the Poets to this Deity, I believe by it they design'd to intimate this, that Wine both stirs up Wit and administers Eloquence; which two Things are very fit for Poets. Whence it comes to pass, that your Water Drinkers make poor Verses. For Bacchus is of a fiery Constitution naturally, but he is made more temperate, being united with the Nymphs. Have you been answer'd to your Satisfaction?