Tanya Grotter And The Magic Double Bass

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Tanya’s heart was beating four times quicker. Not daring to touch the instrument, she stared at it wildly. Then, gathering her courage, Tanya carefully stretched out her hand in order to take the bow, but it, not waiting, jumped by itself into her palm. A small birch bark certificate was stuffed between the bow and its strings. Unrolling it, Tanya with difficulty deciphered the ancient letters with flourish:

The magic double bass of Theophilus Grotter

REMINDER TO USER

This magic double bass was created by the famous magician Theophilus Grotter in the middle of the XVII century and was used by him both for flights to the Bald Mountain and for fine magic. Deck boards from Noah’s Ark are used as material, and inside the hollow of the neck is accommodated the Rope of the Seventeen Hanged Men, snapping every time it had to execute an innocent man.

The double bass makes it possible to accomplish practically all magic actions connected with transformation, telepathy, levitation, telekinesis, invocation, banishment of evil spirits, and removal of curses. However, its main function is high-speed flight.

WARNING

1. Do not sit on the double bass until you have mastered all of its magic functions and learned the flight incantations in the one hundred and twelve volumes of White Magic edited by Cain Frogman and Judah Toadstoolenko (published by Tower, Babylon, 7000 B.C.).

2. For repairs of the double bass on no account use spare parts from diving vacuums, mops with vertical takeoff, teeth-shattering helicopters, vanishing mortars, or juicer- vampires.

3. In the case of transportation of the double bass on a dragon, it is necessary to take all measures of fire-prevention: in particular, transport the instrument strictly in the fireproof case, protected by not less than a dozen fire-quenching spells. During the time of transportation, the said dragon should have on a flame-extinguishing muzzle.

4. Do not lose the bow! Without it, you will lose the ability to control the double bass.

5. Do not allow overstretching or breaking of strings — this can lead to unpredictable consequences.

6. We remind you that this double bass is an instrument of exceptional White magic! In the case of its use for purposes and needs of Black magic, the instrument can lose magic powers.

7. Do not fight with the double bass, do not hit evil spirits with the bow, avoid collisions with solid objects! Violation of the given rules can lead to cracks in the instrument and liberation of the powerful curse contained in the Rope of the Seventeen Hanged Men.

8. Maintain special caution during flights. Do not accelerate above the speed of sound! Do not rise to heights of more than ten thousand metres. This can lead to icing of the strings and fall of the instrument, as happened with the magician Lycurgus Behind-The-Navelenn and his flying guitar.

9. Leaving the double bass in suspicious places, especially in places of mass inhabiting of evil spirits (neglected cemeteries, swamps, forests hit by storms, deserts), do not forget to protect it with the antitheft spell.

These instructions are printed in the printing house of Koshchei the Immortal. Address: Bald Mountain, Drowned Man Avenue, Grave 7. To enter pull the tail of the dead cat.

Tanya dropped the birch bark. In her eyes brown and red spots were spinning in a mad waltz – leaves, pens, sarcastic faces of evil spirits. Afraid of falling, she gripped the cabinet with her hand, and it answered her with an unfriendly squeak. She was stupefied, frightened, enraptured all at the same time.

Now she was absolutely certain that somewhere nearby, separated from her only by a thin wall, existed another world – a world full of riddles and secrets, the world of magic. And she, Tanya Grotter, orphan, in some manner was connected intimately to this world. The strings of the magic double bass began to hum conciliatorily.

“Oh, mama! Someone from my ancestors was a magician who made this instrument! And I, then, also… No, it can’t be,” thought Tanya.

She caught her breath, tears rolled down her cheeks. Swallowing them, Tanya stroked the resonant side of the double bass with a hand. She could hardly believe that it existed in reality, and was afraid that it would now take off and disappear just as the gifts dreamt by her on New Year’s Eve always disappeared. The Durnevs never gave her anything, except that Uncle Herman once gave her half a kilo of rock toffee reeking of fish, and Pipa added an old broom from herself, which, however, she very soon got solidly on the nose. Well, and it was some screech then! They locked Tanya in the bathroom for the whole day with the light off.

But now it was not for Tanya to remember old insults.

There were really magicians among her ancestors! Indeed, until now, a day did not pass that the Durnevs would not call her the daughter of a criminal! It turns out it was all a lie to the last word! Tanya did not have time to take all this in when suddenly a frail voice squeaky with malice was heard beside her, “Ah-ha! Here’s where you are, trash! And what does all this mean?!”

Tanya turned around in fright. For a moment, it seemed to her that she would now see that same short-legged dwarf who spoiled everything. But this turned out to be not the dwarf but something much worse…

* * *

By the doors, pale blue from fury, resembling a vampire recently out of a grave, stood Uncle Herman. Tanya missed the moment when he entered the room. If his voters would see Uncle Herman now, they would indeed not assume that this face distorted with malice belonged to the best deputy, the friend of children and invalids, the unselfish donor of old socks and expired canned food only just this year.

“Who arranged this pogrom? I ask!” Uncle Herman spoke hoarsely. “What happened in our apartment? I ask! Either you, vile girl, will describe everything, or I don’t know what I don’t ask… That is, what I’ll do! I’ll count to five…”

“I don’t know. There was some sticky dwarf here… By the way, his name is Agukh, if you’re interested,” Tanya exclaimed fearfully. She had never seen Uncle Herman in this enraged state before. Steam almost came out of his ears. It even seemed to Tanya that she noticed the not very pleasant odour of melting earwax.

“Two…” Durnev said in an icy voice, according to his trouble-making nature skipping the “one.”

“It’s true, I’m not playing tricks… I returned from school, and this dwarf… That is, I want to say, this freak…”

“Three… Don’t you dare lie to me! From where did you take this enormous guitar or what’s this disgrace? Whom did you steal it from?”

“It’s not a guitar, it…”

“I’m not going to stand these tricks! Even my angelic patience would come to an end! Tomorrow you’ll find yourself in the orphanage, and then in the juvenile offenders’ camp… Four…”

Tanya pressed the double bass to herself. She was horrified, but, even in spite of the terror, for some reason she giggled foolishly. She suddenly thought how amusing it would be if Uncle Herman said, “Four by a string… Four by a thread.” This smile completely drove Durnev out of his wits.

“AH, SO! Five!” Uncle Herman began to roar and took a step forward.

Before Tanya had time to consider what he intended to do, a slap burnt her cheek. Tanya yelled not so much from pain as from humiliation. Earlier Uncle Herman never hit her, only hissed, insulted, and locked her in the bathroom or on the balcony. It was as if a rotten egg emptied out inside her.

And Uncle Herman, having gone completely mad, already brought a hand up for a new blow. Dodging him, Tanya protected herself with the double bass. Durnev’s blow arrived on the instrument. Apparently, the magic double bass was not accustomed to this treatment. The strings began to drone indignantly, softly, as if they were warning Uncle Herman not to do anything stupid. Not paying it any attention, Durnev with fury caught hold of the neck and began to pull the double bass away from Tanya.

“Well, hand it over lively! I’ll tell someone! I’ll give it to the police – let you explain whom you stole it from, thief! Where’s the phone? But, you even broke the phone!!”

Tanya clutched the double bass with all her strength and did not let go, although Uncle Herman was considerably stronger and jerked her together with the instrument from side to side, hitting her back against the cabinet and the frame of the balcony.

Accidentally the girl’s hand found itself on one of the pins regulating the tension of the strings. At this instant, Durnev abruptly pulled the double bass to himself, and Tanya turned the pin. The stretched string began to drone softly and in a bass. For a moment, it seemed to Tanya that she went deaf. The glass in the frames began to tremble in a threatening way. Losing her balance, Tanya and the instrument fell together on her back.

Suddenly Uncle Herman, who was hanging over her, froze. The features of his face somehow softened, became kinder, and acquired an idiotic expression. His pupils for a while confusedly turned in their eye-sockets, and then purposefully settled down crosswise on the bridge of the nose. The upper lip curled upward, baring the sufficiently long front teeth.

Finally, being bored of roaming wildly along the sides, Uncle Herman’s eyes stared fixedly on Tanya – first the right and then the left. Uncle Herman bounced on the spot with wonder and giggled foolishly.

“Hee-hee! What a thmooth day!” he said in a thin squeaky voice.

Tanya went “oh” in fright. She said “oh” again in a second, because Uncle Herman suddenly leaned over and sniffed the double bass, and even, it seemed, tried it lightly with his teeth.

“Girlie, what are you doing here? Gathewing flowerth? Let’th get acquainted: I’m Lithper the Wabbit!” he squeaked.

Tanya muttered something, but Uncle Herman did not listen to her. He was already jumping around the room, his hand drawn in, exactly like the paws of a rabbit. Deftly jumping directly from the carpet onto Pipa’s desk, Uncle Herman brought it down. From the desk he somersaulted onto the bed, overturned bookshelves, tore off the door of the dresser, and then, getting down on all fours, started to gnaw the legs of the chairs. After swallowing several pieces of polishing, Uncle Herman capriciously grimaced. The dachshund One-And-A-Half Kilometres, bursting into seething senile barking, hung onto his pant leg. At another time Durnev would shed tears of tender emotion that the dog was playing with him, now he kicked the dachshund with his foot so that One-And-A-Half Kilometres rolled with a howl into the corridor.

“We, wabbitth, have terwibly thtwong hind pawth! We can kick marvellouthly with them!” he bragged to Tanya, gnawing the broken off leg of a chair. “Phew, thith unthavouwy thtump! I can’t thtand thith plathtic bark! My teeth will ache from it! Don’t you have carwotth or cabbage?”

Not answering, Tanya continued to stare at him in amazement. The rabbit obviously did not like it. His whitish eyebrows gathered on his narrow forehead.

“What, can’t you hear, girlie? Don’t underthtand wabbit thpeech? Carwotth, I thay, no?” he lisped.

“Yes… In the kitchen… In the vegetable box…” Tanya muttered.

“Thankth, girlie! You think I’m thtupid, think I didn’t know you? I know much!” Uncle Herman said with a conspiratorial look and skipped off, shaking the floor with his very strong size forty-seven soles. “Hey, deviouth! Don’t detheive me! You’re Little Wed Widing Hood!” he shouted, threatening her with a finger as he left.

Not a minute had passed as the characteristic sound came from the kitchen: Durnev, the very same self-styled Lisper the Rabbit, likely discovered “carrotth” and now hurried to gobble them together with the bag. In any case, to the crunch of chewing carrot was added periodically the rustling of packaging.

Tanya carefully got out from under the double bass, examining it with a mixture of horror and admiration. She never doubted for a minute that precisely it was mixed up in the sudden temporary insanity of Uncle Herman. Indeed, at that moment when she turned the pin for tuning the strings, Durnev also imagined himself as Lisper the Rabbit.

Recalling the warning on the birch bark, Tanya in a hurry weakened the tension of the string and checked whether cracks appeared in the neck. No, the double bass, fortunately, did not suffer, if one doesn’t count the small scratch left by Uncle Herman’s nails.

A key began to grind in the doors. Considering that this could be either Pipa or Aunt Ninel, Tanya quickly hid the double bass in the case and started to move it into the cabinet. Booming leaps already rolled along the apartment – it was Lisper the Rabbit jumping to meet his relatives.

And when, a minute later, the terrible dual howl of Aunt Ninel and Pipa was heard in the corridor, Tanya surmised that he met them.

“You’re not Little Wed Widing Hood! You’re the Fat Bwoad, and you’re her daughter! Don’t touth me! I’ll kick! I have thtwong hind pawth!” Uncle Herman squealed deafeningly, fleeing from them around the entire apartment…

Chapter 4

Forgeli Botchli?

“Twang!” Tanya pressed the third string from the edge closer against the middle of the neck and it hummed. The sound hardly dissipated as a round thick-necked head in a copper helmet appeared on the balcony. It was the size of a considerable cauldron and it rotated its pupils menacingly. The look on the head was openly predatory. The bent nose was once dented by someone’s fist, and a long scar stood out on the cheek…

“Forgeli botchli?” it growled, when its pupils, having stopped revolving, settled on the girl.

“Not forgeli not botchli… A mistake…” Tanya muttered, attempting to hide behind the double bass.

The head smirked, baring ground-off yellow teeth, each of which was the size of a good fist. Furthermore, it became noticeable that something terribly similar to the sole of boots got stuck between the two front teeth.

“What is ‘not forgeli,’ specifically?” the head asked hoarsely. “Where’s the magic response? What, did they not warn you that I could tear apart whoever uses magic objects illegally? Beatings in alleyways, and all such.”

“No, they didn’t,” Tanya quickly blurted out, considering that this was her only justification.

“And I’ll not believe it for life! And if they didn’t warn you, it means you’re not a witch but one of the moronoids!”

“Yes, I’m a witch… That is, I… Please wait, I’ll explain everything…”

Tanya moved back in fright and, hoping that the head would disappear, in a hurry passed the bow along the adjacent string.

“T-wang!” the string hummed intensely. No, the head did not disappear, instead beside it immediately appeared another, even more murderous than the first, decorated with a downy sergeant-major moustaches.

“Where are the evil spirits? Blabbli gabbli intertwineli?” it asked with a voice that grated on the hearing like sandpaper.

Tanya went “Oh,” experiencing a burning desire to show up a hundred kilometres away from here or, at the worst, to simply fall under the floor.

“Blabbli gabbli intertwineli?” the head repeated impatiently.

“Hello, Usynya!” the head that appeared on the balcony earlier barked. “I think the time has come to gobble up someone. Someone who summons us without knowing the simplest magic response…”