The Parent's Assistant; Or, Stories for Children

Riches and talents would, he flattered himself, secure to him that ascendency of which he was so ambitious. 'Am I your manager or not?' was now his question. 'I scorn to take advantage of a hasty moment; but since last night you have had time to consider. If you desire me to be your manager, you shall see what a theatre I will make for you. In this purse,' said he, showing through the network a glimpse of the shining treasure – 'in this purse is Aladdin's wonderful lamp. Am I your manager? Put it to the vote.'

It was put to the vote. About ten of the most reasonable of the assembly declared their gratitude and high approbation of their old friend, De Grey; but the numbers were in favour of the new friend. And as no metaphysical distinctions relative to the idea of a majority had ever entered their thoughts, the most numerous party considered themselves as now beyond dispute in the right. They drew off on one side in triumph, and their leader, who knew the consequence of a name in party matters, immediately distinguished his partisans by the gallant name of Archers, stigmatising the friends of De Grey by the odious epithet of Greybeards.

Amongst the Archers was a class not very remarkable for their mental qualifications; but who, by their bodily activity, and by the peculiar advantages annexed to their way of life, rendered themselves of the highest consequence, especially to the rich and enterprising.

The judicious reader will apprehend that I allude to the persons called day scholars. Amongst these, Fisher was distinguished by his knowledge of all the streets and shops in the adjacent town; and, though a dull scholar, he had such reputation as a man of business that whoever had commissions to execute at the confectioner's was sure to apply to him. Some of the youngest of his employers had, it is true, at times complained that he made mistakes of halfpence and pence in their accounts; but as these affairs could never be brought to a public trial, Fisher's character and consequence were undiminished, till the fatal day when his Aunt Barbara forbade his visits to the confectioner's; or rather, till she requested the confectioner, who had his private reasons for obeying her, not to receive her nephew's visits, as he had made himself sick at his house, and Mrs. Barbara's fears for his health were incessant.

Though his visits to the confectioner's were thus at an end, there were many other shops open to him; and with officious zeal he offered his services to the new manager, to purchase whatever might be wanting for the theatre.

Since his father's death Fisher had become a boarder at Dr. Middleton's, but his frequent visits to his Aunt Barbara afforded him opportunities of going into the town. The carpenter, De Grey's friend, was discarded by Archer, for having said 'lack-a-daisy!' when he saw that the old theatre was pulled down. A new carpenter and paper-hanger, recommended by Fisher, were appointed to attend, with their tools, for orders, at two o'clock. Archer, impatient to show his ingenuity and his generosity, gave his plan and his orders in a few minutes, in a most decided manner. 'These things,' he observed, 'should be done with some spirit.'

To which the carpenter readily assented, and added that 'gentlemen of spirit never looked to the expense, but always to the effect.' Upon this principle Mr. Chip set to work with all possible alacrity. In a few hours' time he promised to produce a grand effect. High expectations were formed. Nothing was talked of but the new playhouse; and so intent upon it was every head, that no lessons could be got. Archer was obliged, in the midst of his various occupations, to perform the part of grammar and dictionary for twenty different people.

'O ye Athenians!' he exclaimed, 'how hard do I work to obtain your praise!'

Impatient to return to the theatre, the moment the hours destined for instruction, or, as they are termed by schoolboys, school-hours, were over each prisoner started up with a shout of joy.

'Stop one moment, gentlemen, if you please,' said Dr. Middleton, in an awful voice. 'Mr. Archer, return to your place. Are you all here?' The names of all the boys were called over, and when each had answered to his name, Dr. Middleton said —

'Gentlemen, I am sorry to interrupt your amusements; but, till you have contrary orders from me, no one, on pain of my serious displeasure, must go into that building' (pointing to the place where the theatre was erecting). 'Mr. Archer, your carpenter is at the door. You will be so good as to dismiss him. I do not think proper to give my reasons for these orders; but you who know me,' said the doctor, and his eye turned towards De Grey, 'will not suspect me of caprice. I depend, gentlemen, upon your obedience.'

To the dead silence with which these orders were received, succeeded in a few minutes a universal groan. 'So!' said Townsend, 'all our diversion is over.' 'So,' whispered Fisher in the manager's ear, 'this is some trick of the Greybeards'. Did you not observe how he looked at De Grey?'

Fired by this thought, which had never entered his mind before, Archer started from his reverie, and striking his hand upon the table, swore that he 'would not be outwitted by any Greybeard in Europe – no, nor by all of them put together. The Archers were surely a match for them. He would stand by them, if they would stand by him,' he declared, with a loud voice, 'against the whole world, and Dr. Middleton himself, with "Little Premium" at his right hand.'

Everybody admired Archer's spirit, but was a little appalled at the sound of standing against Dr. Middleton.

'Why not?' resumed the indignant manager. 'Neither Dr. Middleton nor any doctor upon earth shall treat me with injustice. This, you see, is a stroke at me and my party, and I won't bear it.'

'Oh, you are mistaken!' said De Grey, who was the only one who dared to oppose reason to the angry orator. 'It cannot be a stroke aimed at "you and your party," for he does not know that you have a party.'

'I'll make him know it, and I'll make you know it, too,' said Archer. 'Before I came here you reigned alone; now your reign is over, Mr. De Grey. Remember my majority this morning, and your theatre last night.'

'He has remembered it,' said Fisher. 'You see, the moment he was not to be our manager, we were to have no theatre, no playhouse, no plays. We must all sit down with our hands before us – all for "good reasons" of Dr. Middleton's, which he does not vouchsafe to tell us.'

'I won't be governed by any man's reasons that he won't tell me,' cried Archer. 'He cannot have good reasons, or why not tell them?' 'Nonsense!' said De Grey. 'We shall not suspect him of caprice!' 'Why not?' 'Because we who know him have never known him capricious.' 'Perhaps not. I know nothing about him,' said Archer. 'No,' said De Grey; 'for that very reason I speak who do know him. Don't be in a passion, Archer.' 'I will be in a passion. I won't submit to tyranny. I won't be made a fool of by a few soft words. You don't know me, De Grey. I'll go through with what I've begun. I am manager, and I will be manager; and you shall see my theatre finished in spite of you, and my party triumphant.'

'Party,' repeated De Grey. 'I cannot imagine what is in the word "party" that seems to drive you mad. We never heard of parties till you came amongst us.'

'No; before I came, I say, nobody dared oppose you; but I dare; and I tell you to your face, take care of me – a warm friend and a bitter enemy is my motto.' 'I am not your enemy! I believe you are out of your senses, Archer!' said he, laughing. 'Out of my senses! No; you are my enemy! Are you not my rival? Did you not win the premium? Did not you want to be manager? Answer me, are not you, in one word, a Greybeard?' 'You called me a Greybeard, but my name is De Grey,' said he, still laughing. 'Laugh on!' cried the other, furiously. 'Come, Archers, follow me. We shall laugh by-and-by, I promise you.' At the door Archer was stopped by Mr. Chip. 'Oh, Mr. Chip, I am ordered to discharge you.' 'Yes, sir; and here's a little bill – ' 'Bill, Mr. Chip! why, you have not been at work for two hours!' 'Not much over, sir; but if you'll please to look into it, you'll see 'tis for a few things you ordered. The stuff is all laid out and delivered. The paper and the festoon-bordering for the drawing-room scene is cut out, and left yander within.' 'Yander within! I wish you had not been in such a confounded hurry – six-and-twenty shillings!' cried he; 'but I can't stay to talk about it now. I'll tell you, Mr. Chip,' said Archer, lowering his voice, 'what you must do for me, my good fellow.'

Then, drawing Mr. Chip aside, he begged him to pull down some of the woodwork which had been put up, and to cut it into a certain number of wooden bars, of which he gave him the dimensions, with orders to place them all, when ready, under a haystack, which he pointed out.

Mr. Chip scrupled and hesitated, and began to talk of 'the doctor.' Archer immediately began to talk of the bill, and throwing down a guinea and a half, the conscientious carpenter pocketed the money directly, and made his bow.

'Well, Master Archer,' said he, 'there's no refusing you nothing. You have such a way of talking one out of it. You manage me just like a child.'

'Ay, ay!' said Archer, knowing that he had been cheated, and yet proud of managing a carpenter, 'ay, ay! I know the way to manage everybody. Let the things be ready in an hour's time; and hark'e! leave your tools by mistake behind you, and a thousand of twenty-penny nails. Ask no questions, and keep your own counsel like a wise man. Off with you, and take care of "the doctor."'

'Archers, Archers, to the Archers' tree! Follow your leader,' cried he, sounding his well-known whistle as a signal. His followers gathered round him, and he, raising himself upon the mount at the foot of the tree, counted his numbers, and then, in a voice lower than usual, addressed them thus: – 'My friends, is there a Greybeard amongst us? If there is, let him walk off at once, he has my free leave.' No one stirred. 'Then we are all Archers, and we will stand by one another. Join hands, my friends.' They all joined hands. 'Promise me not to betray me, and I will go on. I ask no security but your honour.' They all gave their honour to be secret and faithful, as he called it, and he went on. 'Did you ever hear of such a thing as a "Barring Out," my friends?' They had heard of such a thing, but they had only heard of it.

Archer gave the history of a 'Barring Out' in which he had been concerned at his school, in which the boys stood out against the master, and gained their point at last, which was a week's more holidays at Easter.16 'But if we should not succeed,' said they, 'Dr. Middleton is so steady; he never goes back from what he has said.' 'Did you ever try to push him back? Let us be steady and he'll tremble. Tyrants always tremble when – ' 'Oh,' interrupted a number of voices, 'but he is not a tyrant – is he?' 'All schoolmasters are tyrants – are not they?' replied Archer; 'and is not he a schoolmaster?' To this logic there was no answer; but, still reluctant, they asked, 'What they should get by a Barring Out?' 'Get! – everything! – what we want! – which is everything to lads of spirit – victory and liberty! Bar him out till he repeals his tyrannical law; till he lets us into our own theatre again, or till he tells us his "good reasons" against it.' 'But perhaps he has reasons for not telling us.' 'Impossible!' cried Archer; 'that's the way we are always to be governed by a man in a wig, who says he has good reasons, and can't tell them. Are you fools? Go! go back to De Grey! I see you are all Greybeards. Go! Who goes first?' Nobody would go first. 'I will have nothing to do with ye, if ye are resolved to be slaves!' 'We won't be slaves!' they all exclaimed at once. 'Then,' said Archer, 'stand out in the right and be free.'

'The right.' It would have taken up too much time to examine what 'the right' was. Archer was always sure that 'the right' was what his party chose to do; that is, what he chose to do himself; and such is the influence of numbers upon each other, in conquering the feelings of shame and in confusing the powers of reasoning, that in a few minutes 'the right' was forgotten, and each said to himself, 'To be sure, Archer is a very clever boy, and he can't be mistaken'; or, 'To be sure, Townsend thinks so, and he would not do anything to get us into a scrape'; or, 'To be sure, everybody will agree to this but myself, and I can't stand out alone, to be pointed at as a Greybeard and a slave. Everybody thinks it is right, and everybody can't be wrong.'

By some of these arguments, which passed rapidly through the mind without his being conscious of them, each boy decided, and deceived himself – what none would have done alone, none scrupled to do as a party. It was determined, then, that there should be a Barring Out. The arrangement of the affair was left to their new manager, to whom they all pledged implicit obedience. Obedience, it seems, is necessary, even from rebels to their ringleaders; not reasonable, but implicit obedience.

Scarcely had the assembly adjourned to the Ball-alley, when Fisher, with an important length of face, came up to the manager, and desired to speak one word to him. 'My advice to you, Archer, is, to do nothing in this till we have consulted you know who, about whether it's right or wrong.' '"You know who"! Whom do you mean? Make haste, and don't make so many faces, for I'm in a hurry. Who is "You know who"?' 'The old woman,' said Fisher, gravely; 'the gipsy.' 'You may consult the old woman,' said Archer, bursting out a-laughing, 'about what's right and wrong, if you please, but no old woman shall decide for me.' 'No; but you don't take me,' said Fisher; 'you don't take me. By right and wrong, I mean lucky and unlucky.' 'Whatever I do will be lucky,' replied Archer. 'My gipsy told you that already.' 'I know, I know,' said Fisher, 'and what she said about your friends being lucky – that went a great way with many,' added he, with a sagacious nod of his head, 'I can tell you that– more than you think. Do you know,' said he, laying hold of Archer's button, 'I'm in the secret? There are nine of us have crooked our little fingers upon it, not to stir a step till we get her advice; and she has appointed me to meet her about particular business of my own at eight. So I'm to consult her and to bring her answer.'

Archer knew too well how to govern fools to attempt to reason with them; and, instead of laughing any longer at Fisher's ridiculous superstition, he was determined to take advantage of it. He affected to be persuaded of the wisdom of the measure; looked at his watch; urged him to be exact to a moment; conjured him to remember exactly the words of the oracle; and, above all things, to demand the lucky hour and minute when the Barring Out should begin. With these instructions Archer put his watch into the solemn dupe's hand, and left him to count the seconds till the moment of his appointment, whilst he ran off himself to prepare the oracle.

At a little gate which looked into a lane, through which he guessed that the gipsy must pass, he stationed himself, saw her, gave her half-a-crown and her instructions, made his escape, and got back unsuspected to Fisher, whom he found in the attitude in which he had left him, watching the motion of the minute hand.

Proud of his secret commission, Fisher slouched his hat, he knew not why, over his face, and proceeded towards the appointed spot. To keep, as he had been charged by Archer, within the letter of the law, he stood behind the forbidden building, and waited some minutes.

Through a gap in the hedge the old woman at length made her appearance, muffled up, and looking cautiously about her. 'There's nobody near us!' said Fisher, and he began to be a little afraid. 'What answer,' said he, recollecting himself, 'about my Livy?' 'Lost! lost! lost!' said the gipsy, lifting up her hands; 'never, never, never to be found! But no matter for that now: that is not your errand to-night; no tricks with me; speak to me of what is next your heart.'

Fisher, astonished, put his hand upon his heart, told her all that she knew before, and received the answers that Archer had dictated: 'That the Archers should be lucky as long as they stuck to their manager and to one another; that the Barring Out should end in woe, if not begun precisely as the clock should strike nine on Wednesday night; but if begun in that lucky moment, and all obedient to their lucky leader, all should end well.'

A thought, a provident thought, now struck Fisher; for even he had some foresight where his favourite passion was concerned. 'Pray, in our Barring Out shall we be starved?' 'No,' said the gipsy, 'not if you trust to me for food, and if you give me money enough. Silver won't do for so many; gold is what must cross my hand.' 'I have no gold,' said Fisher, 'and I don't know what you mean by "so many." I'm only talking of number one, you know. I must take care of that first.'

So, as Fisher thought it was possible that Archer, clever as he was, might be disappointed in his supplies, he determined to take secret measures for himself. His Aunt Barbara's interdiction had shut him out of the confectioner's shop; but he flattered himself that he could outwit his aunt; he therefore begged the gipsy to procure him twelve buns by Thursday morning, and bring them secretly to one of the windows of the schoolroom.

As Fisher did not produce any money when he made this proposal, it was at first absolutely rejected; but a bribe at length conquered his difficulties: and the bribe which Fisher found himself obliged to give – for he had no pocket money left of his own, he being as much restricted in that article as Archer was indulged– the bribe that he found himself obliged to give to quiet the gipsy was half-a-crown, which Archer had entrusted to him to buy candles for the theatre. 'Oh,' thought he to himself, 'Archer's so careless about money, he will never think of asking me for the half-crown again; and now he'll want no candles for the theatre; or, at any rate, it will be some time first; and maybe Aunt Barbara may be got to give me that much at Christmas; then, if the worst comes to the worst, one can pay Archer. My mouth waters for the buns, and have 'em I must now.'

So, for the hope of twelve buns, he sacrificed the money which had been entrusted to him. Thus the meanest motives, in mean minds, often prompt to the commission of those great faults to which one should think nothing but some violent passion could have tempted.

The ambassador having thus, in his opinion, concluded his own and the public business, returned well satisfied with the result, after receiving the gipsy's reiterated promise to tap three times at the window on Thursday morning.

The day appointed for the Barring Out at length arrived; and Archer, assembling the confederates, informed them that all was prepared for carrying their design into execution; that he now depended for success upon their punctuality and courage. He had, within the last two hours, got all their bars ready to fasten the doors and window shutters of the schoolroom; he had, with the assistance of two of the day scholars who were of the party, sent into the town for provisions, at his own expense, which would make a handsome supper for that night; he had also negotiated with some cousins of his, who lived in the town, for a constant supply in future. 'Bless me,' exclaimed Archer, suddenly stopping in this narration of his services, 'there's one thing, after all, I've forgot, we shall be undone without it. Fisher, pray did you ever buy the candles for the playhouse?' 'No, to be sure,' replied Fisher, extremely frightened; 'you know you don't want candles for the playhouse now.' 'Not for the playhouse, but for the Barring Out. We shall be in the dark, man. You must run this minute, run.' 'For candles?' said Fisher, confused; 'how many? – what sort?' 'Stupidity!' exclaimed Archer, 'you are a pretty fellow at a dead lift! Lend me a pencil and a bit of paper, do; I'll write down what I want myself! Well, what are you fumbling for?' 'For money!' said Fisher, colouring. 'Money, man! Didn't I give you half-a-crown the other day?' 'Yes,' replied Fisher, stammering; 'but I wasn't sure that that might be enough.' 'Enough! yes, to be sure it will. I don't know what you are at.' 'Nothing, nothing,' said Fisher; 'here, write upon this, then,' said Fisher, putting a piece of paper into Archer's hand, upon which Archer wrote his orders. 'Away, away!' cried he.

Away went Fisher. He returned; but not until a considerable time afterwards. They were at supper when he returned. 'Fisher always comes in at supper-time,' observed one of the Greybeards, carelessly. 'Well, and would you have him come in after supper-time?' said Townsend, who always supplied his party with ready wit. 'I've got the candles,' whispered Fisher as he passed by Archer to his place. 'And the tinder-box?' said Archer. 'Yes; I got back from my Aunt Barbara under pretence that I must study for repetition day an hour later to-night. So I got leave. Was not that clever?'

A dunce always thinks it clever to cheat even by sober lies. How Mr. Fisher procured the candles and the tinder-box without money and without credit we shall discover further on.

Archer and his associates had agreed to stay the last in the schoolroom; and as soon as the Greybeards were gone out to bed, he, as the signal, was to shut and lock one door, Townsend the other. A third conspirator was to strike a light, in case they should not be able to secure a candle. A fourth was to take charge of the candle as soon as lighted; and all the rest were to run to their bars, which were secreted in a room; then to fix them to the common fastening bars of the window, in the manner in which they had been previously instructed by the manager. Thus each had his part assigned, and each was warned that the success of the whole depended upon their order and punctuality.

Order and punctuality, it appears, are necessary even in a Barring Out; and even rebellion must have its laws.

The long-expected moment at length arrived. De Grey and his friends, unconscious of what was going forward, walked out of the schoolroom as usual at bedtime. The clock began to strike nine. There was one Greybeard left in the room, who was packing up some of his books, which had been left about by accident. It is impossible to describe the impatience with which he was watched, especially by Fisher and the nine who depended upon the gipsy oracle.

When he had got all his books together under his arm, he let one of them fall; and whilst he stooped to pick it up, Archer gave the signal. The doors were shut, locked, and double-locked in an instant. A light was struck and each ran to his post. The bars were all in the same moment put up to the windows, and Archer, when he had tried them all, and seen that they were secure, gave a loud 'Huzza!' – in which he was joined by all the party most manfully – by all but the poor Greybeard, who, the picture of astonishment, stood stock still in the midst of them with his books under his arm; at which spectacle Townsend, who enjoyed the frolic of the fray more than anything else, burst into an immoderate fit of laughter. 'So, my little Greybeard,' said he, holding a candle full in his eyes, 'what think you of all this? – How came you amongst the wicked ones?' 'I don't know, indeed,' said the little boy, very gravely; 'you shut me up amongst you. Won't you let me out?' 'Let you out! No, no, my little Greybeard,' said Archer, catching hold of him and dragging him to the window bars. 'Look ye here – touch these – put your hand to them – pull, push, kick – put a little spirit into it, man – kick like an Archer, if you can; away with ye. It's a pity that the king of the Greybeards is not here to admire me. I should like to show him our fortifications. But come, my merry men all, now to the feast. Out with the table into the middle of the room. Good cheer, my jolly Archers! I'm your manager!'

Townsend, delighted with the bustle, rubbed his hands and capered about the room, whilst the preparations for the feast were hurried forward. 'Four candles! – Four candles on the table. Let's have things in style when we are about it, Mr. Manager,' cried Townsend. 'Places! – Places! There's nothing like a fair scramble, my boys. Let every one take care of himself. Hallo, Greybeard! I've knocked Greybeard down here in the scuffle. Get up again, my lad, and see a little life.'