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“I’m sorry, Fallon. If I have to say that a million times before you believe me, that’s what I’ll do. I’m so sorry. We both went through a difficult time but I never meant to hurt you. And I know you say I didn’t, but I must have in some profound way.”
His voice was so kind, so sincere, so agonizingly patient it nearly melted her heart. “You didn’t hurt me, James,” she whispered, turning away. But he caught her by the arm and turned her back to him.
“Then what is it? For God’s sake tell me, so I can make it right.”
“There’s nothing to make right. I…I’ve changed since the accident. And now all I’m trying to do is get on with my life. There’s nothing more to say about it, James. There’s nothing left of the us you want us to be. I can’t be anything you want. I don’t have anything left that we wanted together.”
He sighed deeply. “So maybe all I want right now is a companion on a nice morning walk. Is that asking too much?”
She looked up at him again. “And Tyler?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Haven’t seen him for a couple of months. Don’t even know where he is. His mother came and took him back for the second time, and I’ve been looking ever since.”
Her heart broke for him, and she knew that being near him, trying to be his friend or even a casual acquaintance wouldn’t work because she would be compelled to tell him the truth at some point. And break his heart even more. “I’m sorry it’s not working out for you.”
“So am I. He’s my son. I have the right to be a part of his life. But Shelly keeps taking that away from me.”
Dear God, it hurt him, hurt her. And she didn’t want to keep doing this, over and over. But their circumstances were what they were. She’d made a bad choice and nothing about it could be changed. “We can’t do this, James.”
“I’m not doing anything, Fallon, but asking to take a walk with you. That’s all. Just a walk. This morning. No expectations attached to it. I mean, aren’t you the one who told me it was so much nicer having someone to walk with? Remember that?”
She had said that, during the most wonderful time of her life, hadn’t she? Back before having James so close to her was a painful reminder of so many losses. “Walking, no talking. Those are my terms. And so you’ll know, I walk two miles out then two miles back. The first part is uphill, at a brisk pace. I won’t slow down for you. If you can keep up with me, fine. If not, the trail is clearly marked and you won’t have any difficulty finding your way back.”
Rather than be dissuaded, as she’d hoped he would be, he simply chuckled.
“What’s so funny?” she asked.
“You. You haven’t changed a bit. That’s exactly the same thing you told me the first time we walked together—except the part about walking and not talking. But if you recall, I kept up pretty well for someone who wasn’t used to executing a vigorous morning constitutional the way you were.”
“I slowed down for you that time,” she said, spinning around and heading off down the path at the side of her cottage. Heading quite vigorously, as James would call it. “This time I won’t.”
“And this time you don’t have to.” He caught up to her in several easy strides, matching her pace perfectly. “I’m in better shape, thanks to a very good teacher who convinced me about the merits of regular exercise.”
She didn’t answer him.
He chuckled. “You’re not going to be easy, are you? Of course, I didn’t expect that you would be. But I want to make this work between us, Fallon. Want to try it again. Start slow and steady and see what happens from there.”
“You can do whatever you want, James. I can’t stop you. But just be clear, you’ll be doing it by yourself because I’m done with us.”
“Because you’ve met someone else? Is that it?”
She was still at the point in this break-up, so raw from it, that she believed there could never be anybody else. She’d believed that the first time he’d kissed her, the first time he’d held her hand, the first time they’d made love. And while she didn’t want to, she still did believe that. Especially now that he was here, now that the memories were so vivid. “There’s no one else,” she told him. “Just me, and I’ve changed.” In deep, profound ways.
That’s all she said, and they spent the next four miles in total silence. Fallon didn’t speak, neither did James. For which she was grateful. It was nice having him tagging along, though. Felt normal. As normal as she’d felt in all these months. Then the walk ended and he made no pretense of wanting anything more. She expected he’d ask to come inside her cottage for some reason…a glass of water, or a cup of hot tea. She even thought he might allude to seeing her same time, same place tomorrow. But he didn’t. When they reached her house he gave her a very casual “Thanks for letting me walk along” then trotted away.
OK, so maybe she was a little disappointed. Largely, though, she was relieved. It’s what she wanted, what she demanded now. The only way she could deal with Dr. James Galbraith, and survive.
“And then I want to go on the Christmas train. They have hot chocolate, and we can feed the reindeer. And see the dinosaurs. They have lights on them.”
“The dinosaurs have lights?” James teased, popping the stethoscope from his ears.
“All colors. But we can’t get close ‘cause they might be real.”
“What might be real? The lights, or the dinosaurs?”
The freckle-faced six-year-old giggled. “The dinosaurs, silly.”
“So the lights might not be real?”
Matthew Brower, or Matty as he insisted on being called, scrunched up his nose, trying to figure out the answer to James’s question. “I think they’re real, too,” he finally said as James helped him down off the exam table. “That’s why they light up…I think.”
James tousled Matty’s curly white-blond hair. “Sounds like the Christmas train is going to be fun. Do they allow adults to ride on it?”
Matty shrugged. “Just moms and dads, I think. Maybe grandpas and grandmas, too.”
Well, for this month, and who knew for how long, that didn’t include him. Didn’t matter. Without Tyler, and worried about Fallon the way he was, James wasn’t in a very festive mood for the holidays, anyway. “You have fun, Matty,” he said, “and watch out for those dinosaurs. Especially the ones with the red lights. They’re the tricky ones.”
Matty rolled his eyes at James, like that was a fact every sensible person on the planet already knew, then he skipped out of the exam room while James gave final instructions to Mrs. Brower. Limited activity for another few days, plenty of rest, continue taking his antibiotics, and by the beginning of the week Matty’s bronchitis would be completely gone. “Call me if you have any questions,” he told her on the way out the door, “and if you don’t mind, I’d like you to bring him in one more time so I can listen to his chest again. As a precaution. Just stop by when it’s convenient, no need to make an appointment.”
No appointment. He liked that. Wasn’t used to the laidback way medicine was practiced here, but he did like it. Looked forward to a long association. Though that was still pretty much up in the air, because if he truly made Fallon’s life miserable by being here, he would rethink his decision.
“I think Matty’s on the mend,” Dinah Ramsey commented, as she passed James in the hall.
“On the mend and excited by something called the Christmas train…it has dinosaurs.”
Dinah chuckled. “That’s all my daughters have been talking about for weeks. Apparently, it’s a big tradition here in the valley. For two weeks, it’s a Christmas train for the children then for the next few months it’s an old-fashioned steam locomotive taking skiers from slope to slope.”
“Quaint,” James said.
“Do you ski?”
“Sometimes. When I have someone to ski with.”
“Fallon might be up to it, at least on the gentle slopes. I know she spent all her time on skis before…” Dinah stopped herself. “I guess that’s not the best suggestion to make, is it?”
“It’s awkward. But I’ll have to get used to it.”
“We all understand, James. It’s been tough on everybody. Fallon’s like an institution in White Elk. Everybody depended on her so much I think she was probably taken for granted in the past. Getting along without her is a tough adjustment on everybody at the hospital, and it’s hard to know what to do around her sometimes. You know, like treading on eggshells. And your situation with her…”
“I think she’s made it perfectly clear there is no situation.”
Dinah gave his arm a sympathetic squeeze. “I’m sorry. For both of you. I hope it gets easier for you in time.”
Time…something he had plenty of. He was a doctor and he was…nothing else. That’s all there was. Six months ago he’d pictured himself as a man who’d be married by Christmas. And now…“I hope so, too,” he told Dinah before Emoline Putters, the irascible ward clerk, shooed him off to his next appointment.
“Mrs. Shelly Geary, and her son Tyler,” Emoline announced, shoving the chart into his hands. “She claims the boy has a cough, but I haven’t heard him.”
A surge of excitement shot through James, followed by a surge of anger and the dread he’d come to know so well. So it was starting over. Except this time he wasn’t giving up. He was ready to fight for Tyler. Ready for a different ending to this chapter in his life. Maybe he couldn’t win Fallon back, but he sure as hell was going to win custody of his son.
“How are you doing, Tyler?” James said, putting on a happy face when he walked into the exam room. He wanted the boy to smile, to be happy to see him again. Wanted to hug the boy. But that wouldn’t be the case today. Both times before, when Shelly had dropped him off, Tyler had been sullen. Nothing had changed. Still, James’s heart swelled the instant he saw his son because the last time Shelly had taken him away, he wasn’t sure he’d ever see Tyler again.
“James,” Shelly said, without the least bit of concern in her voice.
“In the hall!” he demanded, then exited the room.
She followed. “It’s not like you think—” she started.
But James interrupted her. “What’s different this time? Does Donnie want to keep him and you’re the one who doesn’t want him?” Donnie, the husband who didn’t want to raise a son that wasn’t his. That was the reason she’d brought Tyler to him the first two times and he had no reason to believe that wasn’t the reason this time.
“You’ve got it all wrong. Donnie tries really hard, but Tyler gets on his nerves. And Donnie’s got this new job now…”
“Save it, Shelly. I don’t care about your excuses, and I sure as hell don’t care about your husband.” Two nurses in the hall raised eyebrows, and then James led Shelly into the empty exam room across the hall and slammed the door shut. “The only one who’s important here is Tyler, and I’ll swear if you’ve…”
“Tyler doesn’t even try, James. He breaks things, and throws tantrums. Donnie works hard, and when he comes home at night he wants peace and quiet. Doesn’t he have a right to have peace and quiet in his own home?”
A million things crossed James’s mind, things he wanted to say, things he wanted to scream. But he wouldn’t because none of it mattered. At the end of the day, all he cared about was Tyler and, God willing, he was going to get permanent custody of him this time. “Look, just get out of here. I don’t give a damn why you’re dropping him off, don’t give a damn what Tyler’s doing to make your husband angry.”
“It won’t be long, James. Just through the holidays, maybe, then things will settle down.”
Things would never settle down for Shelly and, no matter what else happened, Tyler wasn’t going back into that situation. Not after the holidays, not ever, if he had his way. “Get out, Shelly. Get out of White Elk.” With that, he brushed around her and went straight back to the exam room where Tyler was sitting. And shut the door. Shelly wouldn’t come back, wouldn’t say goodbye to her son. He knew that from history.
So did Tyler.
“I’m sorry, Dr. Galbraith, but I just can’t do it. He wore me out chasing after him, and it’s only been half a day. He’s too…destructive, and I simply can’t have him in my house.” As proof, Mrs. Prestwick held up the headless porcelain figurine Tyler had broken. That, and the lamp for which James had already compensated her. “I hate to give you such sort notice, but you can’t bring Tyler back here.” Emphatic words. The same words he’d heard from Mrs. Powers and Grandma Addy…the three most highly recommended care-givers in White Elk. Three days, three bridges burned, and James was at his wit’s end now. He had to work, had to take care of Tyler and, at this moment those two parts of his life were clashing in a big way. “I don’t suppose you could recommend anyone else, could you?” he asked the gray-haired septuagenarian.
She shook her head, backing away from her front door as hastily as she could, practically shutting the door in James’s face. He looked down at Tyler, who seemed preoccupied by the snowflakes falling on the evergreen bushes. “I thought you were going to behave,” he said, trying to be patient. “We talked about it the last time you stayed with me and we talked about it just this morning. Remember? Remember how you promised me that you would be good?” For Mrs. Powers it had been about a dozen raw eggs and a pound of ground coffee, all stirred into a nice little cake in the middle of her kitchen floor…a floor that had enough slope that it had facilitated the slithering of that mess to a spot underneath the refrigerator, which had required James to move the fridge and do the cleaning. For Grandma Addy it had involved the hiding of her hearing aid in the trash can just before the trash had been tossed out. Luckily, Grandma Addy had a spare, but James was going to have to take time off work to take her to Salt Lake City and get fitted for another.
“Tell me, Tyler, why did you break Mrs. Prestwick’s things?” He wanted to understand him. Wanted to get to know him and find out why he did what he did, but so far Tyler had resisted pretty much every effort James had made, just like the two previous times when James had taken care of him.
Tyler shrugged, still more interested in the snowflakes.
James huffed out the impatient sigh he’d tried holding in. Three days, and he was all out of ideas. Yet he couldn’t get angry with Tyler. In spite of everything, he loved his son and didn’t blame him for the bad behavior. It was a reaction to his life, to the way he’d been tossed around. Sadly, as hard as James tried to be responsive to Tyler, the boy always pulled away from him. First time, second time and this time. Nothing about that had changed. Nothing about the fact that he’d missed the first years of Tyler’s life would change and he wondered if he’d known about Tyler all that time, if he’d had a hand in raising him, in being his dad, whether Tyler would be so destructive now. Things to wonder about, but things he’d never know since Shelly hadn’t told him about Tyler until her husband had forced her into it. “Well, for now you’re going to have to come back to work with me.” And do what? James didn’t have a clue. Not a single, solitary clue. “Look, Tyler, I don’t know what it is you’ve got against these women, but we need to make arrangements for you while I’m at work.” He held out his hand to Tyler, but Tyler reflexively shoved his hands into his coat pockets.
James could have pushed the issue, insisted Tyler take his hand, physically demanded it, but what good would that do? Upsetting a five-year-old that way didn’t prove a thing and somehow James had the idea that the things Tyler needed proved to him were profound and deep. “What I need from you is some co-operation. I know you don’t like being here, that none of this was your idea, but right now we’ve got to make the best of it. Figure out what’s going to make you happy…” He glanced out to the road in time to see Fallon drive by. She was headed in the direction of home, and as he watched her car wind its way down the road, the longing hit hard.
He wondered again whether he could have handled things differently after her accident. She’d needed him and he’d clearly been divided. Her needs, Tyler’s needs, adjusting to fatherhood…yet he’d always thought that he could get through it and give everybody what they required. Clearly, he’d been wrong and even now, while he didn’t know what it was, he was convinced Fallon had needed something he hadn’t been able to give her. The hell of it was, he hadn’t even realized it at the time. It was all afterthought, and filled with so many unanswered questions. But he’d been desperate back then, doing his best. Yet Fallon had insisted she understood his absences, his distractions, his moods—in short, that she was OK without him. He’d believed her, too. Trusted her. After all, Fallon was a strong woman, even with her injuries. She was a fighter, and that was something else he trusted.
But maybe he’d taken that strength too for granted, the way people in White Elk had taken her competence for granted. Maybe the brave face she’d always put on for him hadn’t been so brave. And he’d never realized it. Never once questioned it.
Then the morning Shelly had taken Tyler away from him, he’d gone to Fallon’s hospital room to apologize for not being there for her as much as he’d wanted. But the room had been empty, the bed stripped of its linens. There had been nothing to suggest she’d ever been there. The nurses had told him she’d gone to a rehabilitation hospital, without telling anyone which one. Or, if they knew, their loyalty to Fallon had kept them from revealing it.
Could he have done things differently? Probably. Would it have made a difference to his relationship with Fallon? That, he didn’t know.
“There’s someone I want you to meet,” he said, glancing down at Tyler then back at Fallon’s car, which was turning onto a side street. He loved Fallon, and he loved Tyler. It was time to set at least one of his mistakes right. “Look, Tyler, we’re going to make a quick stop before we go to the hospital, and I need you to be on your very best behavior. Do you think you can do that for me?”
Naturally, Tyler didn’t respond. All he did was follow James to the car, and crawl into the back seat after James opened the door for him. Dutifully, the little boy fastened his seat belt then he sat there like a perfect little gentleman, hands folded in his lap, staring out the window.
For a moment James studied Tyler in the rear-view mirror once he’d settled himself into the driver’s seat, wondering what went on in the child’s mind. Wondering what he could do to find out.
Wondering what he could do to make Tyler accept him as his father.
Chapter Three
“I WANTED to see how you’re doing,” James said, brushing the snowflakes from his hair.
She hadn’t even had time to take off her scarf. “I’m keeping busy,” Fallon said, being careful to keep her back to him lest any expression of excitement or expectation accidentally crossed her face. After all, he hadn’t come back to walk with her after that first time, although she’d half expected him to. Maybe even subconsciously wanted him to. He hadn’t called either, and she’d half expected that. But it was probably for the best. She was working now. Not so many hours, but the progress was steady and Fallon was pleased that they were moving in the right direction to get the Three Sisters Women’s Clinic and Hospital set up and staffed. It felt good to be busy again, she had to admit.
“The hospital is coming along nicely. I’m in the process of ordering room equipment right now…beds, tables, those sorts of things. And I’m beginning to go through job applications, trying to figure out what kind of staffing we’ll need.”
“I’d intended on stopping by sooner, maybe taking another morning walk with you. But things have gotten pretty hectic, and—”
“And that’s fine. I prefer my walks in solitude.” Once though, she hadn’t. “It keeps life less complicated that way.”
“Maybe it does,” he said, almost under his breath. “Anyway, I saw you drive by, and as I was in the area I thought I’d stop by for a minute to see how you’re doing.”
Finally, she turned to face him. Not that she wanted to, but she had the feeling that if she didn’t, he might linger there in the doorway indefinitely…standing there, waiting for something, anything, from her. This was so awkward. She’d made love to this man. Spent nights in his arms, laughing, talking, pouring out hopes and dreams, being happier than she’d ever been in her life. Had had his baby. And now the only thing between them was cold, white awkwardness. It hurt, and she couldn’t be anything but unapproachable. Because being anything more only encouraged him, and he deserved better than make-believe encouragement. “Look, I appreciate you coming by,” she said, fixing her stare on the floor for she knew what fixing her stare on his beautiful eyes would do. “But I’ve got catalogs to go through, and some phone calls to—”
“Bathroom. Now!”
The tiny voice came from behind James, and Fallon immediately stepped sideways to take a look. Gasped when she saw the child. Felt her heart start to race when she noticed his startling resemblance to James.
“Now!” the little boy said. His face was deadly serious. Full of anger. An expression much too old for someone so young.
“Down the hall,” she said, pointing to it. “First door.”
Without a word, the child scampered out from behind James and ran down the hall, leaving a trail of slushy water and dirty snow in his wake.
“Sorry about that,” James said. “I told him to stay in the car.”
“When nature calls…” Fallon said, her voice not quite steady. This little boy was so much like the one she’d dreamt her own little boy would be that all the emotion she’d been fighting to hold back for so long was now fighting against her. This moment of realization unnerved her so badly that she had to back up to the wall to steady herself. This wasn’t her son, she knew that. But she felt the instant connection as this was her son’s brother. “I assume…assume that’s Tyler?”
“Shelly dropped him off again a few days ago.”
She swallowed back her emotion. She had to. There was no other way to do this with James. “A-and are you happy?” She knew he was. Happy, worried. Relieved.
“More than you can imagine. Although being his dad scares me because it’s a lot of responsibility I never expected to have…at least, not right away. Not without you.”
“Give it time,” she said, ignoring his last comment. “The adjustment for Tyler is just as big as yours. But you’ll both do fine once you’re used to each other.” Thinking about James and Tyler getting to know each other, working out their lives together, caused a lump to form in her throat when she thought about their child, their little boy…how they’d never have the chance to work out their lives with him. But seeing Tyler made the loss so acute again, like those first days after she’d lost her own baby. Suddenly she had to spin away from James lest he see the tears welling in her eyes. “He’s cute, James,” she said, walking away from the door. “I’m guessing he’s, what? Five or six? You may have told me, but I don’t remember.”
“Five.”
“And still so active?” That was a polite way of describing what James had told her early on about Tyler’s behavior.
In answer to her question, a loud crash coming from the bathroom sent them both running down the hall to the open door where Tyler was standing, totally unaffected by the mess he’d made pulling a shelf of lotions and cosmetics right off the wall. And it had taken some doing, as it was hung a good three feet higher than Tyler was tall.
“He must have climbed up on the sink,” Fallon said, bending to pick up a bottle of lotion. Only the bottom of the bottle had broken and when she lifted the bottle from the floor, its bottom, along with its contents, remained there, leaving Fallon holding a bottomless, empty bottle.
“Tyler,” James said, his voice so quiet and controlled it was brittle.
