The History and Records of the Elephant Club

Here he stopped, evidently by a violent exertion, and shook hands with each of the others, and afforded such a view of his personal appearance as satisfied the individual of the solitary optic, and his companion of the vegetable leg, that they had fallen in with another original – added to the fact, with which they were already well acquainted, that he had a powerful, though not very controllable voice. Other things about the newly-discovered person showed him to be a man far above, or below, or, at least, differing from, the common run of people one meets in a railroad-car. His face, had it been visible to the naked eye, through the surrounding thicket of hair, might have passed for good-looking; but the hirsute crop which flourished about his head was something really remarkable. If each hair had possessed as many roots as a scrub oak sapling, and had grown the wrong way, with the roots out, there couldn't have been more; or if each individual hair had been grafted with a score of thrifty shoots, and each of them, in turn, had given off a multitude of sandy-colored sprouts, and each separate sprout had taken an unconquerable aversion to every other sprout, and was striving to grow in an independent direction of its own, there wouldn't have been a more abundant display of hair, growing towards a greater variety of hitherto unknown points of compass. It was so long that it concealed his neck and shoulders, and you could only suppose he had a throat from the certainty that he had a mouth. And even the mouth was in its turn ornamented with an overhanging moustache, of a subdued rat-color, which also was long, running down the corners of the jaw, and joining the rest of the beard on the neck below. A shirt-collar, turned down over his coat, was dimly visible whenever the wind was strong enough to lift the superincumbent hair.

Taking into account the physical curtailments of Overdale's companions, the trio consisted of about two men and a half.

Dennis now proposed that they should go on with the song, he volunteering to sing the verses, and requesting the reinforcements to show their strength when he said, "Chorius" – the mention of music excited Overdale's harmonic devil again, and he was obliged to twist his neckerchief until he was black in the face, to choke down an embryo, "tooral," which ran to his lips before the cue came, and seemed to insist upon an immediate and stormy exit; by dint of the most suffocating exertions he succeeded in keeping back the musical torrent until the end of the verse, when it broke forth with a vengeance.

And then Wagstaff struck in, and Dennis took a long breath, and he struck in; and they waked up a couple of children, and they struck in; and Dennis put his wooden leg on the tail of a dog, and he struck in; and the locomotive put on the final touch, by shrieking with a frightful yell, as if it had boiled down into one, the squalls of eleven hundred freshly-spanked babies.

And they kept on, Dennis singing, in a masterly manner, the historical part; the charms of Dinah the barbarity of the cruel parient, the despair of Vilikins, the death and burial of the unfortunate "lovyers," their subsequent ghastly reappearance to the cruel parient, and his final remorse, had all been related; the "chorus of tender maidens" had been pathetically sung by the musical trio; the "chorus of cruel and unnatural parients," had been indignantly disposed of; the "chorus of pisoned young women," had been spasmodically executed: the "chorus of agonized young men, with an awful pain in the stummack," had been convulsively performed; the "chorus of cold corpuses," had been sepulchrally consummated; and the musical enthusiasts were laying out their most lugubrious strength on the "concluding dismal chorus of gloomy apparitions," when the concert was interrupted by the train running off the track and pitching a part of the passengers into a sand-bank on the right, throwing the remainder into frog-pond on the left, and gently depositing the engineer on a brush heap, where he was afterwards discovered with the bell-rope in his hand, and his legs covered up by the smoke-pipe.

It was soon ascertained that no very serious damage was done, beyond the demolition of the engine, which had left the rail without cause or provocation, and was now lying by the side of the road with its head in the mud, wrong end to, bottom side up, roasting itself brown, steaming itself yellow, and smoking itself black, like an insane cooking-stove turned out-doors for misbehavior.

Overdale got out of the sand without assistance, and, save a black eye, and a peck or two of sand and gravel in his hair, was none the worse for the accident. Wagstaff crawled out of the frog pond, looking as dripping and juicy as a he-mermaid; while Dennis, though unconscious of any painful hurt, had sustained so serious a fracture of his wooden leg, that he found it necessary to splice it with an ironwood sapling before he could navigate.

It being discovered that the danger was over, and that there was nothing more to fear, the ladies, as in duty bound, began to faint; one old lady fainted, and fell near the engine; happening, however, to sit down in a puddle of hot water, she got up quicker than she went down; young lady, rather pretty, fainted and fell into the arms of four or five gentlemen who were waiting to receive her; another young lady fainted, and didn't fall into anybody's arms, being cross-eyed and having a wart on her nose; maiden lady, ancient and fat, got near a good-looking man with a big moustache, and giving notice of her intention by a premonitory squall, shut her eyes, and fell towards moustache; she had better, however, have kept her eyes open, for moustache, seeing her coming, and making a hasty estimate of her probable weight, stepped aside, and the gentle creature landed in a clump of Canada thistles, whence she speedily recovered herself, and looked fiery indignation at moustache, who bore it like a martyr; young lady in pantalets and curls tried it, but, being inexperienced, and not having taken the precaution to pick out a soft place to fall, in case there didn't anybody catch her, she bumped her head on a stone, and got up with a black eye; jealous married lady, seeing her husband endeavoring to resuscitate a plump-looking miss, immediately extemporized a faint herself, and fell directly across the young miss aforesaid, contriving as she descended, to break her husband's spectacles by a malicious dig with her elbow; in fact the ladies all fainted at least once apiece, and those who received the most attention had an extra spasm or two before their final recovery, while the vicious old maids whom nobody cared for, invariably fell near the best-looking girls, and went into furious convulsions, so that they could kick them in the tender places without its being suspected that their intentions were not honorable.

During this characteristic female performance, our musical trio had not been idle. Dennis had been busily engaged in splicing his wooden leg. Wagstaff had seized a bucket from the disabled engine, and nearly drowned three or four unfortunate females with dirty water from the frog-pond. Overdale was attracted to the side of a blue-eyed girl, who had swooned in a clean place, behind a concealing blackberry bush, and he had rubbed the skin off her hands in his benevolent exertions to "bring her to," and had meanwhile liberally peppered her face and neck with gravel-stones and sand, from the stock which had accumulated in his hair when he was first pitched into the sand-bank.

Everybody was eventually convalescent, and likely to recover from the damage which nobody had sustained; the gentlemen had repented of the prayers which they had not said, and were now swearing ferociously about their fractured pocket-companions, and their broken cigars; and the ladies were regaling each other with multitudinous accounts of miraculous escapes from the horrible accidents which might have killed everybody, but hadn't hurt anybody. Another engine was sent for, and the cars ran to the end of the railroad, seventy miles, before the women stopped talking, or the men got anything to drink.

The musical trio, whose united chorus had been so suddenly interrupted, met at the bar of the nearest tavern for the first time since the run off; their greeting was peculiar, but characteristic; when they came in sight of each other, they didn't speak a word, until they solemnly joined hands and finished the "too ral li la," which they hadn't had the leisure to complete at the time of their sudden separation. Overdale, true to his ruling passion, wouldn't stop when the others did, but was going on with an extra "tooral li, looral li," when Wagstaff presented a glass of strong brandy and water at him; the plan succeeded; he stopped in the midst of a most astonishing shake on the first "looral," and merely remarking, "To be continued," he yielded, a passive captive to the fluid conqueror.

Subsequent conversations disclosed their future plans, and it was discovered that they were all journeying to the same place, New York city; and that their several visits had one common object, to see the mysteries of the town. An agreement, which I overheard, was quickly made, that they should remain together, and pursue, in company, their investigations.

They proceeded harmoniously on their journey, singing "Vilikins" between meals every day; and when Overdale couldn't stop in the chorus at the the proper time, Wagstaff corked him up with a corn-cob, which he carried in his pocket for that purpose.

It so happened that I continued on the same trains of cars with this interesting trio of eccentricities, until we took the steamboat at the Dutch village, where the State Legislature meets. After the last verse of their customary evening hymn had been sung, with a strong chorus, as they were about to shelve themselves in their state-rooms for the night, I heard Overdale remark to his companions:

"When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or – well, no matter where. Dennis, you see this black eye; I have to make this particular request, that if this steamboat blows up in the night, and you take a fancy to black anybody's eye, you'll pick out somebody's else."

"I didn't black your eye; what do you mean?"

Overdale explained thus: "I could a tale unfold, which would – but I won't – I'll tell you how it happened, nothing extenuate or set down aught in malice. When that locomotive ran off the track, the shock threw us both, as you are aware, about fifteen feet straight up in the air – as I was going up, you were coming down, and you were practising some kind of an original pigeon-wing with your wooden leg, and, in one of its fantastic gyrations, it came in contact with my visual apparatus, and damaged my personal beauty to the extent you see; – don't do it any more, that's all, my friend, don't do it any more."

Dennis expressed himself exceedingly sorry – "Overdale, my hairy friend," said he, "at the particular time you speak of, that leg was not under my control, and I am not accountable for the misbehavior of that leg; but I solemnly promise that, if we are blown up before morning, if I see which way you go, I will do my best to travel in a different direction."

Each of us, myself included, then went to his state-room, achieved his allotted shelf, rolled himself into so small a ball that the narrow blankets would cover him, and laid in feverish restlessness, awaiting that morning bell which should summon him to disperse himself into his pantaloons, go on deck, and catch the first glimpse of smoky Gotham, the home of the undiluted elephant.

"Hooror for Johnny," said Mr. Spout, as he rushed towards that individual to offer his congratulations. The other members followed suit, and Johnny, anticipating that he would be favored with a bear-like hug, more boisterous than pleasant, unless he acted promptly to prevent such a consummation, ran into one corner, squared off, and threatened to show an immoderate pugnacity, if they made any immoderate demonstrations of fraternal affection. The language and action of Johnny had the effect to check the enthusiasm of his friends, and they resumed their places. Johnny then came out, and made a peremptory demand of Mr. Spout that he telegraph to the saloon below for a lemonade for his (Johnny's) private consumption. Mr. Spout announced the impossibility of acceding to Johnny's demand, as there had been no signal agreed upon which should indicate to the individual below that a lemonade was wanted. Johnny said that he could not hold Mr. Spout to a strict accountability on that occasion, but if he did not arrange a signal to indicate his future wants, he should proceed to expel Mr. Spout from the club. Under existing circumstances, he should go down below and order personally a strong lemonade, to be made of considerable lemon, some sugar, and a good deal of water. Johnny disappeared through the door. He had been gone three minutes, by Quackenbush's bull's-eye silver watch, which he says keeps excellent time as long as he hires a boy to move the balance-wheel, when the Higholdboy arose, and proposed "The health of the Elephant – may his shadow never be less," which was to be drunk in silence, standing. All the members had assumed an erect position, required for the performance of this imposing ceremony, when a yell of such prodigious dimensions, entitling it to be called a roar, followed by a most extraordinary clattering outside the door, as of three persons trying to ascend abreast a flight of stairs only wide enough for one, and quarrelling about the precedence, and in the intervals of their emphatic remarks to each other uttering cries of exultant triumph, as if they had made some long-sought discovery, suddenly petrified the various members into flesh and blood statues with breeches on, and mouths open. Not long, however, did they remain thus inactive, for a mighty rush from the outside carried the door from its hinges, knocked Mr. Quackenbush, the stalwart guardian of the portal, into a far corner of the room, and disclosed to the astonished gaze of the assembled Elephantines, the forms of three individuals, to them unknown. The action of the Higholdboy, who first recovered his senses and his presence of mind, is worthy of remembrance. Keeping both eyes fixed upon one of the intruders, he deliberately drank the contents of his tumbler, and then, taking a cool aim, he threw the glass-ware at him. This act of the Higholdboy was regarded as an announcement, by implication, that crockery and glass-ware could be used on the present occasion offensively, and accordingly the other members followed the example of their chief. For a few minutes the destruction of property was great, and the more so, as, whenever a tumbler, plate, bottle, or any other similar missile fell to the floor unfractured, one of the three intruding parties would stamp on it with one of his feet, and pulverize it instanter. When the crockery was all disposed of, the assault was renewed with lemons, crackers, bologna sausages, and whatever projectiles remained, and the chairs and tables would have undoubtedly followed suit, had not the precaution previously taken, of chaining them up, precluded the possibility of their being used for this purpose. The result of this peculiar reception of the intruding parties was the temporary demolition of one, who had been hit over the head with the lemon-squeezer, and knocked down in the corner behind the chair of the Higholdboy. The second person had rolled himself up in a heap as well as he could, drew his head into his coat, and seemed resigned to whatever might be his fate. The third, however, made no resistance whatever, but rushed into one corner, turned his face to the wall, in which position he sustained for five minutes a brilliant cannonade of lemons, Boston crackers, with an occasional bomb in the shape of a nut-cracker and doughnut, for which affectionate tokens of respect he was indebted to the kindness of Van Dam, who bestowed upon him his undivided attention.

At the moment when the utter defeat of the invaders was shown to be a fixed fact, Johnny Cake reëntered the room. He saw the confusion which was everywhere apparent, and his first inquiry was as to the cause. Before he had been answered his eyes caught a sight of the party in the corner, who had ventured to turn his face around.

"Here," said Johnny, "you've got one of my railroad party, whose adventures I have detailed to you this evening."

"The devil!" said Spout.

"How unfortunate!" remarked Quackenbush.

"Are you seriously injured?" asked Van Dam of the man in the corner, who was no other than Overdale.

"Nary time," was Overdale's response. "But where's Dennis?" he asked.

"Here," said Dennis, as a head was seen to protrude from itself a coat-collar, like a tormented turtle from its shell, and, after some scrambling, Mr. Damon Dennis was erect and experimenting with his wooden leg, with the view of ascertaining whether it had suffered another fracture since the railroad experience.

Wagstaff also essayed forth from behind the capacious seat of the presiding dignitary of the club, and, after shaking the wrinkles out of himself, was once more himself.

Johnny Cake here introduced himself to the parties. They remembered him as having been one of the audience which listened to their free and easy concerts whilst travelling. They were then successively introduced to the different members of the club, all of whom expressed their regrets at having received them in so informal a manner, whilst Dennis, Overdale, and Wagstaff, protested that the apologies were useless, as they should not have made such an informal call. Mr. Spout again operated the telegraph for all parties, and when they were once more seated, Johnny Cake called on their uninvited guests for an explanation as to how they had found out their location. The statement was given by all three of the parties in disconnected sentences, sometimes one talking, and sometimes all. The narrations occupied about an hour in their delivery, and were replete with interest, but too long to be incorporated verbatim into these veracious records. The facts disclosed, however, were substantially these:

After leaving the steamboat, they made their way to the Shanghae Hotel, without loss of life or further limb. Each had his carpet-bag in his hand, and having made a demonstration towards the hall-door, the attendants came out to relieve them of their loads. Unused as they were to a reception of this kind, their greeting was rather peculiar than otherwise. Overdale put his hands on his pockets, and told his gentleman to clear out. Wagstaff, with great presence of mind, knocked his down instanter. Dennis started to run, but finding his wooden leg impeded his speed, sat flat down on the sidewalk and called for a constable. Being eventually satisfied that the intentions of the individuals were honorable, they went into the house and placed their names on the register; Overdale, who did not understand this last performance, expressing his surprise that they should be required to sign a note for their board as soon as they came into the house. They were shown to separate rooms, and each proceeded to make himself as comfortable as his limited knowledge of the uses of the bedroom furniture would admit, preparatory to making his appearance in the dining-room. They were all shown this latter part of the establishment, after they had visited, arm-in-arm, the barber's shop, the ladies' parlor, and the hat-shop next door, in their vain search for something to eat.

As they entered the room, and the head waiter approached, for the purpose of showing them some seats, Overdale took his arm, and, having marched the whole length of the room, was finally seated at one end of the table, while his two companions were accommodated with chairs immediately opposite. Their exploits at their first dinner in the city were many – being all of them ignorant of napkins, and innocent of silver forks, their performances with those unknown articles were something out of the common order.

Having recovered from their first impression, that the bills of fare were religious tracts, left for the spiritual improvement of the boarders, by the Moral Reform Society, and having ascertained that they were in some way connected with the science of gastronomy, they proceeded to call for whatever they imagined would suit their palates. Wagstaff began with tarts, then taking a fancy to a jelly, he reached for them, and devoured them all, seventeen in number; and concluded his dinner by eating a shad without picking out the bones.

Dennis, had somewhere heard of ice cream, for which frigid monstrosity he immediately called; when it came, not knowing exactly how to dispose of it, and perceiving that other people made use of the bottles from the caster-stand, he concluded that it would be proper to season his cream in like manner. He began with the pepper, followed it with vinegar, kept on to the Cayenne, added a good quantity of oil, drowned it with ketchup, and then with unusual impartiality, not wishing to neglect any of the bottles, he poured Worcestershire sauce over the whole. He eat it with the mustard-spoon and pronounced it excellent.

Overdale seeing a gentleman, on leaving the table, throw down his napkin, called to him across the room that he had dropped his handkerchief, and then with the consciousness of having done a neighborly turn, he proceeded to eat his dinner. He studied for some time over his own napkin, but eventually concluded that it would be proper to put it in his chair, so that he would not soil the cushion, and accordingly disposed of it in that manner, and sat down upon it with great care, for fear he should tear it. He then opened his bill of fare at the wine-list, and after puzzling for some time over the names, put his finger in the middle, and told the waiter he would "have some of that." The servant perceiving how matters stood, and having compassion on his queer customer, brought him some soup. He at once set to work to eat it with his fork, in which attempt he scalded both his mouth and his fingers, whereupon he drank the water in his finger-bowl to cool his mouth, and wiped his fingers in his hair to reduce their temperature. The considerate waiter came once more to the rescue, and brought him some beef, and also performed the same kindness for Dennis, and probably saved him from absolute starvation. But Overdale, never remarkable for strict temperance, looked for something to drink, and perceiving nothing that looked juicy, save the bottles in the castor-stand, he took out one of them, and having filled an egg-cup with the contents thereof, drank it down. As it was salad oil, he did not feel disposed to repeat the experiment. Having cleaned his nails with a nut-pick, and pared an apple with a fish-slice, he concluded his performances by putting half a dozen fried oysters in his pocket and leaving the table.

At night they went immediately to bed, only finding their own rooms after poking their heads into every other apartment on the same floor, and eventually securing the services of the chambermaid as a guide.

Overdale having got this lady to light his gas, was not able to get to bed without doing something further extraordinary, so wishing to open his window, he called a boy to his door twenty-seven times, by pulling at the bell-rope, which he imagined to be connected, in some inexplicable manner, with the sash. He was at last ready to go to sleep, when he blew out his gas, and laid down on the carpet, covering himself with the hearth-rug, fearing to get into the bed lest he should rumple the sheets. He woke up subsequently, and yelled for a waiter. One happened to be passing in the hall at that moment, and answered his call. Overdale asked where the tavern-keeper was, as he wanted too see him. He didn't want to be imposed upon, if he was from the country, and considered it a huge imposition to put a man into a room which was right over an asaf[oe]tida factory. The waiter comprehended the nature of Mr. Overdale's difficulty, and explained to him the nature of carburetted hydrogen, and the mistake that he had made in blowing out the light, instead of turning off the gas. Mr. Overdale thanked the waiter for his valuable information, and after waiting for the room to be well ventilated, he retired to rest – this time, however, in the bed, the waiter having kindly explained to him that the bed-clothing was nicely adjusted for the express purpose of being rumpled up, in order to give employment to a useful class of the community known as chambermaids.