Полная версия:
My Big Family. A Day of Tots
«Think! There was one germ, and it became two!» Peter said.
«Yeah. It was ten to the twenty-third degree, but became ten to the forty-sixth! No difference! That's all! Period!» Grandma formulated. She counted perfectly. Not for nothing was she once the chief economist.
Great-Grandma Zina shrugged her shoulders. With a serene expression, she sat on a chair and fed Alex eggplant spread with a spoon. Alex obediently opened his mouth and was clearly enjoying the situation.
«He's big already!» Kate was indignant.
«He's a skeleton!» Grandma Masha disputed. «A child should eat such that he can't eat anymore! I always eat that way, and look how strong I am!»
She picked up a heavy stool by the leg and lifted it over her head. The stool began to lean over dangerously to the side, and Vicky and Alena hastily ran off. Grandma put the stool back in place.
«Is it true that when our mama was little, she was so fat that not a single pair of her pants could be fastened together?» Alena asked. She still did not understand that you do not need to blurt out everything you know – some things you should keep to yourself.
«From whom did you hear this?» Grandma asked suspiciously, turning so as to see Papa's reflection in the glass of the kitchen cabinet.
«From Mama,» Kate came to Alena's aid.
Grandma Masha relaxed. «Ah! Well, we ate on schedule. Cottage cheese, kefir, sour cream. When she was a teenager, she got out of hand and slimmed down! Then the kids began to appear, and she lost even more weight! In fact, I wanted her to have only two kids! A boy and a girl! With an interval of four years. That's all. Period.»
Soon the whole kitchen table was crammed with plates and bowls. And in each lay some mushrooms, sausage, and salads. It was unclear where they came from. Perhaps they appeared by magic, because earlier, before the grandmas' arrival, they were clearly not in the Gavrilovs' home.
Grandma Masha was moving decisively around the kitchen, delivering short orders, «Alena, don't touch your brother! Peter, don't get distracted! Rita, you're already grown-up to put your hands into the soup! Annie, don't hunch! Nick, don't eat fish with sandwiches! I see everything!»
Costa and Alex opened their eyes wide. «Annie» and «Nick» were Mama and Papa, whom Grandma very dashingly included in the general rank of kids. Papa and Mama secretly exchanged glances, suffering the collapse of their authority, but, knowing Grandma, did not protest.
«Chew worms!» Papa said in a whisper. Mama kicked him under the table. It was their shared secret.
When Mama and Papa had just gotten married and were living at Grandma Masha's, they hid from her a starling chick, which they had found on the street. It was very difficult to hide the little chick because it also cheeped. One time, Papa hid it in an old teapot suspended on a rope among the old skis on the balcony. The nestling was very weak. It could not eat whole worms and it was necessary to grind them up, turning them into mush. It was from that time that the joke «Chew worms!» remained in the family. Grandma guessed that there was a chick at home and searched for it everywhere to throw it out, because when she was young she read in Health magazine that tuberculosis comes from birds.
Exactly at nine in the evening Grandma's alarm went off and a new life began for the children.
«That's it!» Grandma Masha said. «Get ready for bed! Bedtime! That's all! Period!»
«We already slept during the day! You made us!» Alex groaned in horror.
«During the day it wasn't bedtime, but admiral's hour!»[1] Grandma said.
«What time is it now? Field marshal's?» Peter quipped.
«Now is night rest!» Grandma cut him off and went upstairs. Costa, Rita, and Alex trudged after her obediently, like sheep.
«Wow! They are obeying!» Alena whispered.
«But you aren't! She has an inner strength and a willingness to go all the way!» Peter assessed.
«By the way, this also applies to the older kids! Lights out at twenty-one thirty,» reached them from the stairs.
Exactly at 21.30, after finishing what Grandma called «wash-up routines,» the older children were driven off to bed. Only Peter alone escaped. He huddled in his room and sat there quiet as a mouse, covering the crack under the door with a blanket so that light would not show through.
Around midnight, reckoning that everyone was asleep, Peter got out of his room and snuck into the kitchen to eat raw eggs. He was standing in an island of light pouring from an open fridge and holding an egg in his hands. He cracked it slightly and brought it to his mouth, but then someone stirred next to him in the dark. Peter gave a start in fright. An apparition in a long nightgown was sitting on the bench and rocking quietly.
It was Great-Grandma Zina. She could not get up to the second floor and had settled on the couch in Papa's office. Except that she could not sleep and was sitting in the dark: she was conserving electricity. «One guy came from the army. He bought an egg at the market, did not wash it and ate it. The egg had salmonella. He died. That's all,» Great-Grandma said.
Dropping the egg on his foot, Peter leaped back into his room.
Chapter Three
Great-Grandma's Deception
«You need to have twenty pairs of socks of the same colour! And ten pairs of pants of the same colour!»
«Well, socks – it's understandable. That's so they do not get mixed up in the wash. But why pants?»
Grandma pondered.
«I don't know why! But once you're advised, then there must be logic!»
Household SceneThe next morning was Saturday. Costa and Rita were sitting on Grandma Masha and swinging their legs. Kate stood at the sink and looked at the mountain of dishes from the evening.
«I have a proposal!» she said. «Papa's forty-one years old. He'll wash forty-one plates. Peter's sixteen. He'll wash sixteen plates. Vicky's fourteen. She'll wash fourteen. Alena's ten – well, you understand…»
«And you?» Mama shouted from the room, the sewing machine chirping.
She liked this plan. She had already figured out that, though they had a lot of dishes, it was clearly not more than forty-one. Hence, Papa would be washing all the dishes.
«And I'll carry out general coordination and check if there is grease on the plates!» Kate said and, waving her hands, brushed something standing on the edge of the sink. «Oh! Dang!»
«What was that sound?» Mama was startled.
«I smashed the blue plate,» Kate explained.
«My favourite?»
«Yes.»
There was a poignant pause in the room.
«But was it clean or dirty?»
«Dirty.»
«Well, that's alright then!» Mama said.
Distressed by the loss of the favourite plate, the girls huddled around the sink and washed all the dishes in ten minutes. In the meantime, Mama and Grandma Masha compiled a list of foods that Papa should buy at the market. This list was so long that its tail passed to the second side of the sheet. Papa was not too enthusiastic about this.
«Write me a 'lost list' as the last item. Then I'll start quickly from the end,» he said and set off to start the minivan. The minivan started pretty well, but the battery was poor. Therefore it was necessary that it must start on the first try.
While Papa was gone, Grandma Masha and Great-Grandma Zina conjured up breakfast. Grandma Masha complained that there was nothing to prepare, but all the same, the whole table was soon covered with plates. The children were running around impatiently, trying to steal something.
«Rita, did you wash your hands? Well, at least sometime in your life?» Grandma asked, looking closely at Rita's hand, blue from a marker, clutching a piece of halva. The kid's hands were quickly hidden behind her back. This did not go unnoticed. «With soap, sponge, and brush! March!»
Rita, whining plaintively, went to wash her hands, closed the bathroom door behind herself, and almost instantly everyone heard a racket and a splash.
Grandma was startled. «What was that?»
«Oh, nothing special! I think she climbed onto a chair to get the soap from the windowsill and flopped into the tub. Blankets are soaking there, right?» Kate guessed instantly, and a second later Rita appeared howling from the bathroom, water flowing like streams from her, and everyone was convinced that Kate, as always, was right.
«I will ne-e-e-ver wash a-a-g-gain!» Rita wailed while she was undressed and dried.
«And why is the soap on the windowsill?» Great-Grandma asked thoughtfully.
«Because Alex tried to set it on fire,» Kate explained.
«And it burns?»
«No! But it stinks!» Alex cheerfully explained. «Just need to set it on fire with a tennis ball! Let me show you!» Alex rushed to demonstrate, but he was forced into his seat and limited his research impulse with a piece of cheese.
Meanwhile, Rita was changed into dry clothes, her hair braided, and she became like the grandmas' idea of a decent person.
«Hot kasha! Anyone? And no more eating at the computer!» Grandma said, putting the pot on the table.
«Why is breakfast called breakfast? Because it's eaten the next day?»[2] Alena asked, digging a pit in the kasha to drip butter into.
Papa, having already returned by that time, thought about it. «Good question! Well, maybe breakfast is what people leave for the next day? Let's assume, part of the food was stored in the evening?» he suggested.
«Never leave anything for the morning! Germs multiply in food! That's all! Period!» Grandma Masha cut him off.
«That's understandable,» Papa agreed. «But ancient people didn't know this. Then again, they had glaciers, and that's an excellent natural fridge.»
After breakfast Alex accidentally found an apricot stone under the bench, and he wanted to break it with a hammer and eat the kernel. In order that Grandma Masha would not stop him, he ran off with the stone and the hammer to the back room. He set the stone on firm ground, swung the hammer and… heard a voice, «One guy came from the army! He began to crack apricot stones and died. His bowel got clogged. That's all.»
Alex jerked up his head and saw Great-Grandma Zina, who lay down to rest, up on her elbows watching him from the sofa. Recapturing his right to clog his bowel, Alex ran to the kitchen and got there just at the moment of gathering. Grandma was dressing Rita and attentively watching Costa putting on his boots.
«Children go for a walk! They must have fresh air! Period!» Grandma said sternly.
«Children» were understood to be absolutely everyone, even Peter, who was already showing peach fuzz. The stubbly Peter and the other smooth-faced youngsters did not dare to protest and went for a walk. Only Papa and Mama escaped, remaining at home, but the others could not escape. It was a very proper walk under the leadership of the orderly Grandma. Everyone walked to the playground holding hands, frightened by any car appearing in the distance.
«Car!» Grandma Masha screamed in a voice that usually screams «Air raid!» and all the children rushed to the lawns, while Grandma and Great-Grandma covered them with their chests. The driver was also usually frightened, stopped, and a confusing situation emerged: Grandma suspected the driver would move right there and the driver waved his hands and pressed the horn, begging Grandma to cross the road anyway, because he could not stand around for half an hour!
The children only looked wistfully askance in the direction of the stores, not allowing themselves to whine «Buy-y-y-y!» which Rita and Costa usually started. No one whined today because they knew that Grandma would not buy anything on the street. They must eat at home. At the table. Hands washed. That is all. Period.
Great-Grandma Zina, whom Grandma also took with her to get some air, was very slow. She stopped after every few metres, leaning on a fence or a tree for support. «I'll only rest for a minute!» she said. «Earlier I was like running! Oh, I was!» And she smiled, as if she did not believe that she was telling the truth.
Finally, everyone reached the playground.
«We're building up a reserve of health!» Grandma gave the order and suddenly, remembering something, stared sternly at Great-Grandma: «Mama, did you take medicine this morning?»
«Yes!» Great-Grandma hastily said.
«Not true! Why was the sink pink? Did you throw the pill into it?»
Great-Grandma sighed. «It's so bitter! Can I at least take it with chocolate?»
«What chocolate! You can't have sugar! Only fat-free yogurt!» Grandma Masha answered curtly.
Kate and Vicky exchanged glances. They realized that Grandma and Great-Grandma had changed roles long ago. Grandma had become a mother to her own mama, and Great-Grandma her daughter.
«Let's breathe! Don't get distracted! Nothing for us to hear!» Grandma ordered.
And all the children began to walk and breathe. True, minus Peter, who took off somewhere on another path after all. Alex whined, not having the opportunity to climb or fall anywhere, but Costa and Rita walked with pleasure. Except that they regretted that while one was swinging on the swing, the other must stand ten steps from the swing, observing safety precautions.
A suitable example was even found for offenders. «One paratrooper returned from the army. He took something and went to the playground. A swing hit him on the back of his head and put him down on the spot!» Great-Grandma said, and all the children fearfully fell silent, imagining to themselves this poor paratrooper and wondering why he had stood under the swing.
Great-Grandma Zina was sitting on a painted tire sunk into the ground and was holding Rita in her lap. Rita was very fond of Great-Grandma. She had already said «I love you!» to her about ten times, but had yet to say it to Grandma, and Grandma was secretly jealous.
At noon, Grandma Masha's alarm went off. It beeped once, so very distinctly without violating established traditions. «Now lunch and admiral's hour!» Grandma said sternly and the children went home.
After lunch, Grandma doggedly packed all the children, except the three older ones, to bed.
«We close our eyes! One hour of nap during the day is five hours of sleep at night!» she said.
«So we don't have to sleep at night?» Alena asked, suffering because she, a ten-year-old, was ranked among the little ones and trapped in bed.
«Need to sleep at night, too! That's all! We rest!» Grandma said and went to put Rita down in the small room.
Rita was heard throwing a tantrum, jumping on the bed, and repeating that she would not sleep. Then everything suddenly quieted down. Ten minutes passed, then fifteen. There was not a single sound from the room. Surprised that Grandma did not come out, Alena sneaked up to the door and opened it slightly, leaving a crack. When she returned, her eyes were round.
«She's sleeping!» she whispered.
«Who? Rita?»
«Grandma! She announced the admiral's hour and fell asleep herself! Ha-ha-ha!»
«And Rita?»
«And Rita's also sleeping! Let's go!»
Alex and Costa also leaped out of bed, and all the children rushed downstairs. Downstairs, they saw Great-Grandma Zina, who was reading an old magazine through a magnifier, at times starting to doze off. Great-Grandma read a lot, and indiscriminately, everything that fell into her hands. She could attentively read the flyers used to wrap purchases from the market, five minutes later it was Preparation of History for EGE,[3] forgotten by Peter on the bench, and then suddenly Remarque[4] or Chekhov[5] appeared in her hands. Soon enough they also disappeared somewhere, but a newspaper was discovered, and Great-Grandma was again reading it.
When the children appeared downstairs, Great-Grandma raised her head and looked at them with alarm. For the first second she thought that perhaps it was Grandma Masha. Realizing that this was not Grandma, Great-Grandma smiled with relief and stopped hiding the fruit pastille, which she, breaking into pieces, was stuffing in her mouth.
Alena, Alex, and Costa surrounded Great-Grandma and began to talk with her. Very soon Peter, Vicky, and Kate joined them.
«Great-Grandma, Great-Grandma! Let's buy ice cream while Grandma is sleeping!» suggested Alena.
«Is she really sleeping?» Great-Grandma did not believe her.
«You bet! We saw it ourselves!»
Great-Grandma Zina pondered. She loved ice cream. But still she was in doubt. «One guy came from the army, ate a lot of ice cream…» she began in a squeaky voice.
«…he came down with acute tonsillitis and died?» Peter guessed.
«How do you know? I already told you that?» Great-grandma was surprised.
«No,» said Peter. «It happened in our school. It's a well-known case in science.»
Kate kicked Peter. «Stop! So, are we going for ice cream? Huh, Gram?»
Great-Grandma put aside the magnifier and leaned her hands on the table. «Let's!» she said, chewing her lips. «Give me my cane and my purse!»
Great-Grandma Zina's handbag was old, of imitation leather, with a thick plastic handle and a metal clasp that snapped like a pistol with pistons.
«Maybe you can give us money and we'll run and get it?» Peter suggested, afraid that while they walked, Grandma Masha would have time to wake up.
«Certainly not! I want it myself! I'll even look at many things. What kind of store is there? A candy store?»
Great-Grandma got dressed pretty quickly. All the children also got dressed quickly, because they understood that the matter was secret and important. Then they all went out onto the street and, grasping Great-Grandma's elbows, began to drag her to the candy store.
«Oh, not so fast! Oh, not so fast! Let me stand for a minute!» Great-Grandma wailed.
The older children stood patiently, letting her rest, but the younger ones could not stand and were bouncing around.
«Do you have money? You didn't forget?» Costa suddenly asked with concern.
Great-Grandma looked anxiously into her purse. «A bit,» she said. «Oh, how nice that you took me! I haven't been in a store for some five years!»
«Doesn't Grandma buy you sweets?»
«Rarely. The neighbours bring a little. But she says I'm not allowed, I have blood sugar.»
«So you're not allowed someone else's sugar, because you have your own? What luck!» Alex exclaimed.
«I can have everything,» Great-Grandma objected philosophically, pursing her lips. «Though, maybe, also not. But a little, I probably can.»
Finally, they reached the bakery, where there was a large candy department. Grandma went up the three steps and leaned against the wall. «Ugh! Exactly like being dragged to the tenth floor!» she complained and, after catching her breath, began to look with interest at the shelves. «Oh! How many new things have appeared! Now, five years ago I didn't see these round candies here with fruit jelly in the middle! And these very long new ones! There were lemon wedges! And drops! And these chocolates here were issued in wrappings!»
«Is your grandma from an uninhabited island?» the salesgirl asked Peter in a whisper.
«No, from Moscow,» said Alex.
«Ahh!» the salesgirl said slowly in amazement.
Great-Grandma was already standing at the shelves and gleefully going through bags of cookies and all sorts of sweets. «Do you have chocolate? With jam? And shortbread? But not very sweet?» she asked worriedly.
«No such thing,» said the salesgirl.
«Well, then give us three hundred grams in total! In fact, all that you have!» Great-Grandma said.
«And chocolate!» Peter whispered.
«And chocolate!» Great-Grandma repeated.
Costa asked again if she had enough money.
«There's enough,» Great-Grandma said bravely. «And if we're off by a lot, we'll set aside the extra. Get what you want!» Alena, Alex, and Costa were standing next to Great-Grandma and shouting, each pointing at his favourite. Everyone was pulling her by the hand in his direction.
Suddenly, a phone rang in Great-Grandma's bag. She found it and punched a big button blindly.
«Hello, Masha! Yes, the children are with me! What are we doing? Taking a walk! I'll call you back soon!» Great-Grandma said into the phone and, looking imploringly at her great-grandchildren, put the phone in her bag. «I didn't lie. Just kept quiet about something!» she said guiltily.
«Who was that?» Costa asked.
«Her daughter, our grandma!» Kate whispered.
They bought so much candy and ice-cream that they had two large packages. The children and Great-Grandma argued about where to hide everything so that they would not catch Grandma Masha's eye.
Soon they were already at home. While Vicky rang the bell, Peter hid behind a car with two bags in order to sneak in all the sweets unnoticed. The door opened and they went in. A towel was lying on the table. A huge apple pie was cooling on the towel.
Grandma Masha stood at the table and looked at them with a slight squint. «Returned, schemers? Oh, well! Sit down for tea!» she invited them.
Vicky looked at the steaming hot pie and felt uncomfortable. «Oh! And we discussed how to outwit you!» she said innocently.
Grandma Masha waved her hand. «All right! Everyone wash hands! Do you know how many germs are on a square centimetre of skin?» she said sternly, but everyone was already rushing to hug her because they suddenly felt that she was nice.
«Good when you have a grandma!» Vicky said at night, when the children were already in bed and Grandma had gone downstairs to take Great-Grandma Zina's blood pressure.
«Yeah, not bad. Only she does not last for long!» Peter said in a knowing voice. The wall in his room was thin, made of plasterboard, and one could easily talk right through it.
«Why?»
«Well, I already noticed this long ago. Grandma Masha's orderliness lasts for three weeks a year. Then she's exhausted and saves up energy the whole year for these three weeks. Well, like a race car. The more powerful the engine, the higher fuel consumption,» Peter explained.
Kate chuckled. «And our parents aren't orderly and that's precisely why they last the whole year?» She specified.
«Well, practically… Still, it's great to have an orderly grandma!»
Chapter Four
Five Kitties
The entire person to the last cell reveals himself in his reaction to the word «cannot.»
MamaOn Monday morning, the children were getting ready for school. Kate was already standing at the door with a backpack behind her shoulders and her arms crossed, waiting for her brothers and sisters. Costa and Rita, who, although not going to school yet, promptly roamed around, crowding together with everyone.
Costa looked with suspicion at the shorts that they were just about to put on him. Then he began to grimace slowly. Lately he had become very suspicious. «They're girls'! I won't wear them!» he whined.
«Easy, fighter! Not a girl in shorts! It's a disguised hero in shorts!» Kate said quickly.
Costa pondered and allowed them to put the shorts on him, the disguised hero hiding under them.
First-grader Alex circled around the kitchen and, pestering everyone, asked them to find his notebooks.
«Notebooks for lazy Alex! Where are you? Hello!» Kate summoned, arms still crossed on her chest. Alex apprehensively looked sideways at her and fell silent.
Alena hopped along the hallway and, hastily tossing books into her backpack, moaned, «Oh! We have work today! Give me a hundred roubles for modeling clay!»
«Your were given some yesterday!» Kate said.
«Oh! I spent it! First, forty on a chocolate bar, and then there wasn't much left and I decided to spend…»
Peter's head popped out of the bathroom. It turned out he heard everything perfectly. «Give me one and a half million for modeling clay! And three more for an eraser! But then it's not enough for the new iPhone!» he said in a squeaky voice.
